On letting go.

I can't believe that the Glee season finale made me cry.  But it did just that.  As Finn let Rachel go, I cried along with her. 

I'm such a sap.

But I know how young loves can be.  And it sucks sometimes because we want it to work, so much, but even our young minds know that sometimes, we must let go. 

When I was eight years old, I met the boy I thought I would one day marry.  (Remember the boy I refer to as Jude because of his favorite Beatles song?)  Well, I thought I was going to marry Jude.  Don't worry, I didn't think I was going to marry him at eight years old.  It took a few years before I thought of him and marriage.  Actually, it was in the fifth grade, when he introduced me to his dad as the girl he was going to someday marry.  I know, I know, so Sweet Home Alabama.

But our ending was different.  We never got married.  We never even dated.  But in the fifth and sixth grade, we were best friends.  And we remained friends throughout junior high and high school.  Until the end of my junior year when he told me that we couldn't be friends anymore.

You see, I told him I wanted to help him get his life back on track, go back to school, stop hanging out with gangs and doing drugs.  By that time, Jude was homeless, just going from one (bad) friend's house to another.  (I didn't really approve of his so-called friends who only got him in even more trouble.)  I wanted my mom to take him in and have him live with us.  I wanted to take care of him. 

But he said no. 

Then, he made a promise - that he would not speak or contact me until he was back in school and his life was in order.  Out of trouble.  So that he wouldn't bring any trouble to me. 

I cried.  And cried. 

But, even during his most troubled times, Jude knew what was best for me.  And even though he knew it hurt me, and it hurt him, he had to let me go.

Our lives went on completely different paths.   

And looking back, I have Jude to thank for the path I'm on.  I no longer question whether he really loved me.  I just have to look at where I am to know that he did.

I once heard that letting go is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone.

Even though it hurt a lot, I thank Jude for letting me go.     

LOVE

I love my nephew. 

Sometimes, when I think about how much I love him, it makes me cry.

I can't bear the idea of him ever being in pain.  It even hurts me when he's sad just because the Lakers lost.  When I'm down, all I need is to see him smile or hear him talk and it brings me back on my feet. 

I remember when he was just a few months old, he was hospitalized for several days.  One night, I stayed with him and my brother at the hospital.  In the middle of the night, his fever went up really high and the nurses had to stick needles into him.  He was screaming and crying, and as I held his tiny hands and feet, and tried to hold back my own tears, I thought, I would give my life for you.  I prayed to God to just take away his pain, and give it to me if it had to go anyone. 

When I tell people how much I love him, they always say, well, imagine if you had your own child.  Now, that's love.

The thing is how I feel for my Mr. Hilarious is love.  The deepest and most selfless love I have ever felt.  And I'm grateful for that love everyday.  I don't need to imagine how it would be if he came from me, or how much more I would love him if I actually experienced 30 hours of labor for him.  I don't need all of that to know how much I love him.  I just think of him, and I know.  I just put my hand over my heart, and I feel it.  I look at him, hear his voice and his laugh, and it reassures me that I don't need anything more.

Please pray for my Mr. Hilarious.  He's in the hospital right now, and we're just waiting to hear if there's anything wrong.  Please don't let there be anything wrong. 

because i still miss you.

Today is the nine-year anniversary of my grandfather's passing.  This song always reminds me of him.   

sunday love

Things that make (made) me smile ...


Cheesecake-Filled Chocolate Easter Egg Cups; recipe @ raspberri cupcakes

Tyler Knott

Positano, Italy (via)
I will go here one day.

Thresca

Today's worship service at church starting with Psalm 73.

Psalm 73:25-28:

Whom have I in heaven but you? 

And there is nothing on earth that I desire besides you.

My flesh and my heart may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.

For behold, those who are far from you shall perish;

you put an end to everyone who is unfaithful to You.

But for me it is good to be near God;

I have made the Lord God my refuge,

that I may tell of all your works.

Trader Joe's.

An old man went up to me today.  He asked if I was this woman,

whose name he called me .  I said no.  Then, he just looked at me,

and walked back to his car.

I returned the grocery cart where it belonged.  And as I walked back to my

car, I saw the old man standing in front of his.  He looked like he was crying.

Or praying.

He, then, looked up and saw me looking at him.  I smiled.  And he walked

up to me again.  He said that when he looks at me, he sees her.  100%, he said.

You look just like her.

His eyes started to glisten with tears.  Are you Italian? he asked.

No, I said.  He smiled, and started to walk away.  You look just like her.

    I felt like telling him I cried at church this morning.

It must have been the remnants of tears in my eyes.

It made me think about how we're all broken in some way.  

The old man looked sad and disappointed when I said I wasn't her.

I wonder who she was to him.

But whoever she was, his eyes and smile told me he loved her.

Which made me think about how we all carry love in our hearts.

Love that breaks us.

Love that fulfills us.

Love that carries us along.

someone like you

The movie.  Not the song. 

I decided to take the afternoon off.  Was still tired from a very busy weekend.  So, I watched t.v., and I caught the end of Someone Like You.  If you've never seen the movie and do want to watch it, don't read this post because of course, I'm going to give away the ending. 

The ending where Ashley Judd's character (Jane) realized that she was in love with Hugh Jackman's character (Eddie).  You see, throughout the movie, Jane was in love with Ray (played by Greg Kinnear), but Ray was a selfish, self-centered, cheating a-hole.  Eddie, on the other hand, was the good-looking single guy who slept with different women, but was the honest friend.  The honest bachelor as my friends and I called the type.  The guy who dates around but is honest about it.  Everyone knows that he's dating around, including the women he goes out with.  He's really the commitment-type of guy even though it doesn't seem like it but it's only because he chooses who he commits to.  The thing about the Eddies, they don't pretend.  The Ray-type-of-man, on the other hand, pretends he can commit, pretends he's the relationship guy, sweet and showering with charm and promises but he can't commit to anyone at all because he's too consumed with himself.  Well, Jane had the unfortunate experience of falling for the charming Ray, over and over again.  He charmed her until he got her, and would string her along for awhile, then drop her again.  Familiar story?  Such relationships can go on for years.  But like such movies with happy endings, Jane realized that she was in love with Eddie, and ran (literally) after him.  Of course, he ended up loving her, too, and happily ever after.  Real life is not such, unfortunately.  But nonetheless, the movie made me think of the Rays and Eddies.  A particular Ray and Eddie in my life.

"Ray" being the cheating high school boyfriend, and "Eddie" the guy I met in my senior year of high school.  I'll call him Josh since he looked like Josh Hartnett.  Josh and I became instant friends, and since he lived a couple of blocks from me, we carpooled to school.  I would pick him and his brother up, and then, he and I would spend the next thirty minutes or so talking in the parking lot, which made both of us late for first period almost everyday.  He much later than me because he'd walk me to class at one end of the school while his was on the other end.

We spent a lot of time together during the fall semester - talking before school, between classes, and after school.  We talked a lot about everything.  Then, Christmas break came and Josh gave me a Christmas gift, which made the cheating boyfriend upset.  We fought and fought, and he blamed Josh for his infidelities.  And I believed him.  I thought it was my fault the cheating boyfriend was cheating. 

Yeah.  (I'm still shaking my head at that one.) 

So, I vowed not to spend so much time with Josh.  But cheating boyfriend wasn't satisfied.  He didn't want me picking Josh up or taking him home anymore.  I didn't have the heart to tell Josh.  So, one morning, I just didn't show up.  I avoided him at school.  We didn't have any classes together, so it was easy to avoid him.  When I saw him in the halls, I'd walk the other way. 

Damn, I was a coward.

Finally, a few weeks before graduation, Josh caught me in the hallway and refused to let me pass him.  He asked what happened.  "I just didn't feel like picking you up anymore," I said pretty coldly. 

"That's not what I meant," he said.  "Was it the Christmas gift?"

"No," I said.  But I couldn't look at him. 

"I mean, I just wanted to give you something.  I didn't want it to turn you off or push you away."

"It's not that," I said, but I still couldn't tell him the truth.

Then, he asked, "Ok, then, what happened with us?"

"Look, I just didn't want to pick you up anymore.  I have too many things going on, and I have to go."  At that, I walked away. 

I felt him staring at my back until I turned at the end of the hall, and saw a glimpse of him still standing where I left him.  I wanted to turn around and run back to him, tell him I made a mistake, and that I was so very sorry for being stupid and choosing the cheating boyfriend.  But, unlike Jane, I didn't do that.

I stayed with the cheating boyfriend.  Josh and I graduated, and never spoke again.

I look for him every now and then.  Wonder how he's doing.   

My best friend just sent me this text (a few seconds ago), which is probably a good way to end this post.  She wrote, "Oprah's aha moment: choose love instead of fear."  My best friend is a big Oprah fan.

She's right, though.

wish list + things that made me smile

I had a rough week.  But, in some ways, it was good.  Forced me to stop, listen, and think.  Re-evaluate things.  And I learned a lot about myself.  My ability to bounce back.  My ability to smile despite the things I've been through and the things I've seen.  My ability to hold on to hope.  And faith.  No matter what.

And because of everything I've been through, I'm a firm believer that every new day is an opportunity to change our lives.  Sometimes, it just takes awhile.  But every step we take is one step closer to where we want to be.  And even if where we want to be changes, that's okay.  Life is about change.  Every day is a different day. 

Anyhow, thought I'd start this new series on my blog called the "wish list."  Every Sunday, I'd post something new.  For inspiration.  I need visual inspiration.  So, here's my first set of the wish list:

wish list: 

the outfit

via prepfection

the ring

via ijeOma

travels

via pretty rosetta

vacation home

via nantucketyouth

+ the things that made me smile:

Background: I have young parents.  Well, they got married young.  Had kids young.  Got divorced young.  So, it was hard.  I feel as if we all had to grow up together.  For a long time, I felt as if I didn't have parents.  At least, the parents I imagined parents to be.  But this week, my parents became mom and dad: the two people I could count on to be there for me and to love me no matter what. 

My dad sent me this text last night: I don't want you to move away from me because that would break my heart. 

And today, my mom whispered to me: Don't worry.  It'll be okay. 

Those were enough to make me smile.  Those were enough to re-assure me that things will be okay.

What if we skipped the in-between?

Over dinner last night, the topic of destiny came up.  My friend is a big believer in destiny.  In fate. 

I met someone I want to see again, but don't know how.  Yet, I told my friends that I believe if he's meant to be in my life, our paths will cross again.  It's just a matter of when.

I guess, you can say, I, too, believe in destiny.  In fate.

But, it's because I've witnessed it.  Been a part of it. 

I once dated a guy who I actually met two years prior to dating him.  We met in passing, work-related, spoke for a few minutes, and in those few minutes, I knew I liked something about him.  So much that I called my best friend afterwards and told her I just experienced a "big crush" moment.  I saw him one other time, within that same week, while I was having lunch with my best friend.  Perhaps, just so I can point him out to her.  Then, nothing.  Didn't see him again.    

Fast forward two years later, a different friend (who had no idea about my crush) sets me up.  With my "big crush."

Okay, we didn't work out.  But, he changed me.  He made a permanent mark in my life.

Then, after several other examples of friends of friends who've had past missed encounters with the person they eventually ended up marrying, we talked about the person I loved (and lost) long ago, the person called by friends as Mr. Wonderful.  And I told them how after getting to know each other, Mr. Wonderful and I realized we could've met five years earlier. 

At that my friend nearly screamed, "And you could've skipped the whole awful-ex-boyfriend part!"  (Yes, maybe, I could've.)  You see, the reason I didn't go to the exchange program where I could've met Mr. Wonderful was because I had just started dating the awful ex-boyfriend, and my young self didn't want to leave her boyfriend.  "You could've skipped all of that!" my friend said again. 

And that's when we pondered about: what if we just skipped the in-between?  If two people are meant to be together anyway, what's the point of the missed encounters, the brief meetings?  If Mr. Wonderful and I were meant to end up together anyway, why couldn't we have just met five years earlier?  So, I could've missed the whole awful ex-boyfriend part!

"But that's not life," my other friend said.  "You were supposed to go through the awful ex-boyfriend part!  You were supposed to experience that."  

God has a funny sense of humor.  Because life is quite an irony.  The reason I finally broke up with the awful ex-boyfriend?  Because I met Mr. Wonderful.   

And yes, we didn't work out either.  But he changed my life, too.  In such big ways.  And because of that, the questions had to be asked: what if we had met five years earlier?  Skipped all of the in-between?  Would we have worked out?

There are no answers to those questions.  That wasn't our life.  That wasn't our story.     

But, will I see this new, mysterious guy again? 

I think so.

In the meantime, I'm going to embrace this in-between part.  At least, I don't have the awful ex-boyfriend.  At least, I can enjoy it.  And I should.  And I will.  Because this is life. 

photo: Hidehiko Sakashita

a letter about love.

I saw this and just had to share it.

It's a letter from John Steinbeck (author of Grapes of Wrath, East of Eden, and Of Mice and Men) to his eldest son, Thom.  Thom, who was attending boarding school had written to Steinbeck about Susan, a young girl whom he believed he had fallen in love with.  Below is Steinbeck's reply to his son's letter:

(Source: Steinbeck: A Life in Letters)

New York
November 10, 1958

Dear Thom:

We had your letter this morning.  I will answer it from my point of view and of course Elaine will from hers.

First - if you are in love - that's a good thing - that's about the best thing that can happen to anyone.  Don't let anyone make it small or light to you.

Second - There are several kinds of love.  One is a selfish, mean, grasping, egotistical thing which uses love for self-importance.  This is the ugly and crippling kind.  The other is an outpouring of everything good in you - of kindness and consideration and respect - not only the social respect of manners but the greater respect which is recognition of another person as unique and valuable.  The first kind can make you sick and small and weak but the second can release in you strength, and courage and goodness and even wisdom you didn't know you had.

You say this is not puppy love.  If you feel so deeply - of course it isn't puppy love.

But I don't think you were asking me what you feel.  You know better than anyone.  What you wanted me to help you with is what to do about it - and that I can tell you. 

Glory in it for one thing and be very glad and grateful for it.

The object of love is the best and most beautiful.  Try to live up to it.

If you love someone - there is no possible harm in saying so - only you must remember that some people are very shy and sometimes the saying must take that shyness into consideration.

Girls have a way of knowing or feeling what you feel, but they usually like to hear it also.

It sometimes happens that what you feel is not returned for one reason or another - but that does not make your feeling less valuable and good.

Lastly, I know your feeling because I have it and I'm glad you have it.

We will be glad to meet Susan.  She will be very welcome.  But Elaine will make all such arrangements because that is her province and she will be very glad to.  She knows about love too and maybe she can give you more help than I can.

And don't worry about losing.  If it is right, it happens - The main thing is not to hurry.  Nothing good gets away.

Love,
Fa


This really made me think of the kind of love I want.  The kind of love I want to give.  The kind of love that is "an outpouring of everything good in (me) - of kindness and consideration and respect -"

This reminded me that love is something to be grateful for.  To be glad in. 

That it is most beautiful.

Valuable.  Good.  The best thing there is. 

And that it is not to be hurried.  Nothing good gets away. 

via

Yellow.

I am a huge Coldplay fan.  And after seeing them in concert a couple of years ago, my love for them (esp. Chris Martin) was sealed.  And although I absolutely love most of their songs, this song touches me in a different way.  It claimed my heart the moment I heard it.

But, I was a delayed Coldplay fan.  I discovered them after they had already released their first two albums.  I discovered them the summer I was studying for the Bar exam.  I remember I was sitting in my car, in the parking lot of where my review class was held, and trying to concentrate on another set of 10 multiple choice questions, which I routinely did before each class.  But, I couldn't concentrate.  My mind was at the upcoming Bar exam, whether I had time to go to the bank, whether I had money in the bank, my Europe trip after the Bar, and the "boy" I was (unknowingly) falling in love with.  My mind was everywhere except those 10 questions I was supposed to answer.  And then, this song came on the radio.  Immediately, a sweeping calmness came over me.  Everything that was crowding my mind disappeared, and I was left with this song.  And for the first time that summer, everything was clear.  Everything made sense.  My heart spoke, and I heard it.

So, every time I hear this song, I remember that day.  I remember that feeling of clarity.  Of love.  Of undeniable, life-changing, exciting, silly-can't-stop-smiling, breathtaking, don't-want-to-be-without-you kind of love.  The kind of love that needed no words.  Just a look and we knew.  The smile in our eyes said it all.  This song reminds me that kind of love is real.  It is possible.  It exists.

It reminds me that no matter what happened, I became a better person because of that love.  And that I am forever grateful (and feel extremely lucky blessed) to have experienced it.  All.  The confusion, the messiness, the tears, the anger, the disappointments, the heartache, the lowest lows and the highest highs, the excitement, the happiness.  And especially, the laughter.  We laughed.  We talked.  A lot.  But boy, did we laugh.  That's what I remember the most.  How much we laughed. 

I believe people come into our lives for a reason.  He came into mine to make me realize what I needed.  What I wanted.  Every time I hear this song, and I think of him, I remember: the man I marry will be the one who makes me laugh even when my heart is breaking.

my love for maya ...

Dr. Angelou, that is.

I discovered Maya Angelou in college.

And it was instant love.

Her words spoke to me

like a comforting memory

I had been desperately searching for.

Once I found her, I just knew.

I was home. 

And if ever lost again,

I just return to her words,

and they will navigate me back.

To where I belong.

"My mission in life is not merely to survive,

but to thrive; and to do so with some passion,

some compassion, some humor, and some style."

(- Maya Angelou)

Like Crazy

Finally saw it.  And it's painfully.  real.

The thing is we don't choose who we fall in love with.  We just fall.

And I've found that even if it hurts and ends up breaking our hearts, we are still considered lucky if we meet that someone who just fits.  Even if all the circumstances doesn't.  Because even in our saddest moments, he/she still makes us happy for having touched our lives.  Because he/she inspires us to be a better person.  And that, to me, is the core of happiness. 

After the movie, my friend asked me what if she got it wrong?  With her husband.  What if she could be happier?

I told her about a conversation I had with a mutual friend a couple of years ago.  We were talking about loss and relationships.  Life.  And I remember telling him that I was happy, and I realized that as much as it broke my heart to pieces when I let a certain someone go, I believe I had to go through that to be here.  I told him that I didn't think I'd be the person I have become if I didn't go through that.  The kind of pain that made it hard to breathe.  For months afterwards.  The agonizing regret that followed.  It changed me.  And I came out of it a different person.  A person I actually like.  A person I love.  And I'm happy.

He asked, "but what if you could've been happier?  With him?"

And I remember saying, "But I'm really happy now.  Why would I change this for something I don't know?  I can't live on a what if.  What if I could've been happier, but what if I could've been really sad?"

Maybe neither of us had the answer.  Maybe no one does.

All I know is that we can't help how we feel.  But the least we could do for ourselves is be real. 

The truth of the matter was, I told her, I loved him.  But I wasn't happy.  And it didn't feel right.  Something was missing.  And maybe it was just me.  But at the end of the day, I live with me.  Sleep with me.  Wake with me.  So I need(ed) to be okay.  And I wasn't okay.  And now that I'm more than okay, I know more than ever that I did the right thing.  At that moment, when I let him go, I knew I could be happier.  Because I wasn't. 

So, I asked her, are you happy?

no words can describe

Someone once said to me that one day, I'll meet someone I never want to be without.  Someone I don't want to imagine life without.

I didn't believe him.

Because although I have felt unspeakable heartbreak quite a few times, and have cried seemingly endless tears for a few someones, I have always imagined life without.  I could be without.  Even if it hurts.  like.  crazy. 

Maybe it's a product of my parents' divorce.  I developed this natural inclination to foresee and imagine the end of things.  The end of relationships.  I brace and prepare myself for them.

But, something happened. 

Something no words can describe.

A feeling.

I don't want to be without.  I can't imagine without.

It's funny how things happen because at that same moment, the moment that feeling swept through me, I realized what had been missing.  Why I didn't fight for my relationship with L.

And why I keep fighting this unfamiliar feeling that has taken over me.

My grandma always told me that I think a lot.  Rationalize things so much so that it could make sense to me, and the rest of the world.  So that it could be easily defined.  And argued.  My grandfather used to always ask me - how would you be able to prove that in a court of law? 

But love is not like that, my grandma said.  Most of the time Sometimes, it doesn't make sense.  Even to you.  Especially to you.  If I tried to make a case of why I was with your grandfather, I'd lose.  I had a thousand reasons to leave him, but I stayed because of one.  I love him.  And I couldn't imagine life without him.  (My grandfather passed away over eight years ago, and my grandma still can't imagine life without him.) 

Your heart knows, she always said.  But your mind gets in the way.  However, if two people love each other, and are meant to be together, they will be.  The heart always wins. 

She always believed in that.  Have faith, she said.  Trust your heart.  Believe. 


p.s. I can't stop listening to this song from Ryan Adams' latest album.  Click here to listen.  (Thank you, Mr. Knott, for posting!)

Photo: Bella

Friday smiles

It's been a long, long, long week.  And it'll be a long, long, long work-filled weekend.  But I came across this picture and it just made me smile.  Big smile. 

It's supposed to be a picture taken in Bern, Switzerland.

And when I saw this picture, and read where it was taken, it

brought me back to that little girl who was full of hopes and

dreams and passion and love and courage.

Once upon a time, I was supposed to go to Switzerland to dance.

Although the reason I didn't go was not my choosing, and in fact, I really

had no choice in the matter, it's still one of those things I regret.

But Jude went.  And I'm glad that at least he did.

At least he got to live that part of our dream for us.

I know that I'll go to Switzerland one day.

And although it most likely won't be to dance

in front of an auditorium filled with people,

I'll be thinking of dancing.

And I'll be thinking of Jude.

How once upon a time, we danced.

How once upon a time, I had a best friend

who loved me more than he loved the Beatles.

And how we spent summers drinking Kool-Aid, listening

to the radio waiting for the perfect moment to record

songs by Lionel Ritchie, Billy Ocean, and Stevie Wonder.

How he'd serenade me with Hello, I Just Called to Say I Love You,

and our favorite, Endless Love.

I've been thinking about Jude a lot lately.

Childhood best friends are ones that stay with you forever.

Because your love for each other is innocent, pure, and real,

with no agenda, expectations or obligations.

Just love.  For each other.

And each other's company.

Those are the best.

And now, I know, more than ever,

that when I get married,

I will be marrying my best friend.

You see, I can't marry anyone else,

unless he's my best friend.

For life.

And that made me smile.

Happy Friday!

Photo: timopfahl

Blue

Our family dog, Blue, passed away today.

My brother said that my mom was more frantic about Blue's death than she was when my stepdad passed away.  I told him that only means she really loved Blue, and that he had become a part of her everyday life for the last thirteen years.  He had become a constant, a companion, through many challenges and losses in her life.  Including the loss of my stepdad.  And now, another constant is gone. 

Although my brothers and I always had a dog growing up, we never had one dog for too long since we moved around a lot.  The dogs we had either got lost in the new neighborhood (or they were taken), or we had to give them away, or they died at an early age.  Blue, however, stuck around.  For thirteen years.  He was a part of our family for thirteen years.  And although he's technically my youngest brother's dog, and my family adopted him when I was already out of the house, he became a constant in my life, too.  No matter what, I always knew Blue was there, in his corner in the backyard, and somehow, knowing that made me feel safe.  Reassured me that my family was safe.  Complete.

Blue will be missed.  Terribly.  Missed.

Blue lost a lot of weight in the last couple of weeks that he had been sick.

A moment between man (my baby brother) and his best friend.  Priceless.

falling in love

Yesterday, I stepped out of the house early in the morning,

and was immediately greeted by the smell of fall. 

Followed by the embrace of its cool and crisp easy breeze.

I had missed you, I thought.  But now, you're here.

Gone for awhile, but never forgotten.

Because I knew you'd be back.

The same.  But different.

I closed my eyes.  For a brief moment.

And just took it all in.  The familiar smell.

The familiar and safe embrace. 

And I was overcome with feelings of

joy and excitement and hope.  Hope for all this season brings.

And that's when I felt my heart just smile.  I couldn't stop smiling.

And I knew, in my core, I was falling in love once again.

In love with everything around me.

The neighborhood I've gotten to know so well, yet,

everyday I notice something new - a swing in a neighbor's front lawn;

a toy on the porch; a new face walking by with the most adorable black pug.

In love with my family who greets me with the biggest smiles as if they

had just not seen me the week before.

In love with my friends, who in their own, unique ways, show

me they love me and just want to see me happy.

In love with this life I've been blessed with ~

though not one without disappointments, heartbreak and loss ~

it is beautiful.  Because in the midst of all those things I've still

found love.  And I'm grateful that my eyes and heart had been

opened to allow me to see that.  This life full of love.

And I'm grateful that I can fall in love everyday.

Right now, I'm in love with this life I have.

What are you in love with?

Photo: pixelmama 

 

happiness in little (big) things

I will have a dinner party like this one day.



It's Friday, and I've had quite an exhausting week.  And although I still have tons to do, I'm just so giddy and excited for tonight!  My girlfriend is again spoiling me with another date night at the Bowl.  I love the Bowl.  And tonight it's Tchaikovsky (with a fireworks show!).  I can't sit still with excitement.

And then Anna (at Little Reminders of Love) just recommended a book (A Tree Grows in Brooklyn), and since it's Anna (who I think is the most adorable blogperson I know), I have to read it.  Actually, I've heard about the book (numerous times), so I'm finally picking it up.  For a must read.  This quote she posted (after stating that Francie "is a girl young girls should know") just hooked me: 

"People always think that happiness is a faraway thing," thought Francie,

"something complicated and hard to get.  Yet, what little things can make it up;

a place of shelter when it rains - a cup of strong hot coffee when you're blue;

for a man, a cigarette for contentment; a book to read when you're alone -

just to be with someone you love.  Those things make happiness."

Like Francie, I do believe it's the little things that make up happiness.  (Although such little things can actually be BIG when it makes you happy.)  Like Tchaikovsky tonight.  Seeing a smile on the face of the one you love, and hearing that he's happy - even from far away.  Even if he's far away.  Text messages from my nephew.  Hearing my nephew's excited voice.  Talking to my best friend, and hearing him talk about his wife and daughter and new baby on the way.  Wonderful girlfriends.  This beautiful sunny day.  Saturday brunches by the beach.  J.K. Rowling to inspire me.   

Anyhow, gotta go back to work.  Lunch break is over ... and in a few hours, I get to listen to Tchaikovsky!  Heaven! :)   

      

Photo: Happy Weekend

that's the great thing about old friends

As I mentioned in my previous post, my best friend and I watched the same movie, at the same time, from two different states.  The funniest thing about that is that we didn't plan it.  At.  All.

But that's the great thing about old friends.  Somehow, you just know.  When to call.  When to text.  When to watch the same movie.    

I miss my best friend.  Although, in the last couple of months, I've wondered whether I just call her that out of habit or because she's the person I've known the longest (aside from family members).  But while I watched Something Borrowed, I thought, no, she's my best friend.  And I call her that because she just is.  I love her so much it hurts sometimes.  And I guess, that's why the last time we saw each other, it really upset me because I saw how unhappy she looked, and there was nothing I could do about it.  And she didn't want me to do anything about it.  She didn't seem to even want me around.  And what made things worst was that I was happy.  The happiest I had been in months.  And if there was anyone I wanted to share that with, it was her.  But I couldn't.  She was just unhappy and angry with life.  And it broke my heart.      

We haven't seen each other since then (more than six months ago).  And have probably only spoken a handful of times, and texted for another handful - 95% of the time initiated by me.  So, when she texted me on Saturday to tell me she thought of me, it almost made me cry.  And when she texted me today about the movie, I realized how much I want my best friend back.  And how much I just want my best friend to be happy.

I do believe that we have several soul mates in our lives.  And when we finally meet them, the moment we look into each other's eyes, smile, and shake hands, it seals our lifelong connection.  No matter the distance.  No matter the time.  And no matter the heartaches we cause each other.     

I met my best friend when I was eight years old.  (At that time, I had no idea that she would be my first soul mate.)  She sat next to me on the first day of class, introduced herself, and asked if we could be friends.  Forever.  And now, many many many years later, I know that we will. 

Our friendship have survived a lot of immaturity, heartache, and distance.  We've grown together.  And separately.  The last six months is just one of those separate growth periods.  But I'm going to see her in a couple of weeks.  And although I'm a little nervous, I'm really excited, too.   I asked her for at least one day.  Just me and her.  Like old times.  No husband.  No other friends.  Just me and her.  Her and me.  

We used to say to each, friends through thick and thin, and friends through sick and sin.  We've definitely done that.  We will grow old together like we planned as little girls.  Old women, living next door to each other, at our homes in the suburbs (which I think is the detail she added since I've always loved the big city).  When she moved to Phoenix from New York she reminded me of that plan, and reminded me that for some crazy reason, we talked about living next door to each other in a suburb - in the desert.  But I think that was a Waiting to Exhale influence that she added years after the initial plan.  Or a part of her ploy to convince me to move closer to her.

Oh, how I miss her!  

Photo: ashappyaskings

young dreams die hard

 

          




















I finished the book!  And I'm a tad bit embarrassed to admit, but it made me cry.  Actually, it made me break down and cry.  Almost sobbing to the point that I had to stop for awhile (a few times) to wipe my tears, catch my breath, before I could continue.  Until the end. 

I haven't read a book that has made me feel that way.  Where I felt like I really knew the characters as I experienced their lives, apart and together, with them.  As if they were lifelong friends who I laughed and cried with.  As if I were them.  Because I felt the emotions that they felt.  Experienced their happiness, their disappointments, their pain, their loss, their love for each -- 20 years of these two characters' lives.  It was quite a journey ...

... that has inspired me to write.  Once again.  To continue writing.  Even if it's just here for now.  Until I find the time to write the stories I've been wanting to tell.  Honestly, sometimes, I think I may seem a little silly, y'know, keeping this blog ... but this blog keeps my passion for words, for photographs, for art, alive.  And David Nicholls, through his wonderfully crafted novel, has re-lit the fire inside my heart.  In a way, I felt like he read my journals and created Emma's character from them.  Y'know, her desire to be a writer.  Her young dreams of changing the world through words.

I can relate to that.

And her loyalty to love.  To loving Dex.

I could relate to that, too.     

I can't wait to watch the movie!

On being in love. Again.

Last weekend, my girlfriends and I took a roadtrip.  To Vegas.

It was supposed to be a wild-and-oh-so-silly-crazy-bachelorette-weekend.

But we were as tamed as Catholic school girls can be on a field trip with chaperoning nuns.

(meaning: we tried to act wild, but just couldn't do it.)

(We were silly though.  And well, crazy is arbitrary.)

Nonetheless, we had loads of FUN!

I believe girl time is always needed.

We didn't talk about work,

which was surprising, but oh-what-a-relief!

We hardly talked about men,

which was also surprising, but oh-so-refreshing, too!

I just have so many favorite moments from the weekend,

but what I really, really loved - was the drive to Vegas.

It was just me and my very-good-friend-twice-roommate.

It has been over a decade since she and I had taken a roadtrip

together.  But as we talked about life as it is,

and reminisced about life as it was,

I remembered why we were good friends.

(Have been since the tenth grade.)

Complete opposites. 

And thus, life definitely took us on different paths.

But we got each other then.  And we still get each other now.

And even when we don't, we listen to each other.

And I found, that's what matters.

The thing about being around old friends,

we are reminded about the old us.

And reminders of the old us

are the best measure of growth.

By the end of the weekend, I realized

that I really am in love.  Again.

This time with life.  As it is.

And being in love with life

is being in love with everyone and everything in it.

I'm in love with my nephew's voice,

and his laugh and his silly ideas.

I'm in love with the way

my brother always texts me in the middle

of the day with his quirky jokes.

(Father and son are more alike than they realize.)

I'm in love with the way my mom

loves life no matter how hard it has been for her.

I'm in love with the fact that I can work from

anywhere (Internet is the best!),

(but I still try to make it into the office earlier than everyone else).

I'm in love with ice cream at 3pm.

I'm in love with the way my friends and I can

smile (or smirk or frown) at each other and know exactly

what we are thinking.

I'm in love with text kisses and hugs and <3s

that bring a big smile to my face (and tingle to my heart)

anywhere I may be or whatever I may be doing.

I'm in love with the way the wind feels against my face,

the way coffee tastes in the morning, and the fact

that Criminal Minds comforts me and keeps me company.

Life is funny, I told my friend.

Everyday, every moment can bring new surprises.

"Our lives can change with every breath we take."

(By the way, that's from a movie - Where the Heart Is.)

But, I believe it.

So, I told her, your life can change, too.

My life certainly did.

You've seen that.

You knew me then.

Who would have ever guessed I'd be in love with life?

p.s. I'm in love with the peanut butter malted milkshake depicted above.  Yum!

Photo: food+words

Serendipity

This weekend reminded me of this word.  And, of the movie.  But, it's really the word that's relevant since I didn't meet John Cusack or anyone that even closely resembles him.  But, I was struck with this word.  All weekend.

The Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines serendipity as: the faculty of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for. 

I realized this weekend that I've had quite a lot of those in my life, and too often, they had been left unnoticed or unappreciated.  

But this weekend, I noticed them.  I appreciated them.  I celebrated them.  And, I even added a few to my list.

Over breakfast today, as my friend questioned why certain inexplicable things happen, I told her that after asking that same question over and over again, I finally learned to accept that I do not know and will never know what the next day will bring.  And that the things or people that make me smile today may make me cry tomorrow.  So, I decided I would simply enjoy everyday.  And what I'm finding is that life is full serendipitous moments ...

Like this ...

p.s. I was reminded of this post I wrote about three years ago ... and, I am in love again.

Photo: Nhan Ngo