2013.

I've always been a list-person.  And a resolutions person.  I usually spend at least a week in December thinking about my new year's resolutions so I can write them down on January 1st.  But, it's now four days into the year, and I haven't written a thing down.

This year I decided that I was going to make only one resolution, and instead make a list of goals.  My resolution?  To do better.  Do better in my career.  Do better with my novel writing.  Do better in my relationships.  Do better with organizing my schedule.  Just do better.

As for my goals, it's quite a list ... some small, and some big.  But, I'm excited because if there's anything 2012 taught me is that I can change my life.  Get out of my comfort zone.  Face my fears.  Open my heart.  And the result is a changed me.  A changed life.

I read this while surfing the Internet and thought it's worth sharing here:

"Make New Year's goals.  Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year.  This helps you do your part.  It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come.

"Goals give us direction.  They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level.  Goals give our life direction.

"What would you like to have happen in your life this year?  What would you like to do, to accomplish?  What good would you like to attract into your life?  What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you?  What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?

"What would you like to attain?  Little things and big things?  Where would you like to go?  What would you like to have happen in friendship and love?  What would you like to have happen in your family life?

"What problems would you like to see solved?  What decisions would you like to make?  What would you like to happen in your career?

"Write it down.  Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose.  Then let it go.

"The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written.  We can help write that story by setting goals."

-- Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series

it's possible.

 a gem in the neighborhood.

It's possible, you know. 

To wake up one day and realize that you're living your dream. 

That there's nothing you'd take back or do over

because you're happy with where you're at.

And you know that you got there (here)

because of the path you took,

because of the things and people

that touched you along the way.

you learn

Barcelona circa 2003

You Learn  by Jorge Luis Borges

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn ...

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth ...

And you learn and learn ...

With every goodbye you learn.

how not to marry the wrong guy

During my SF trip, I met one of my friend's cousins, who is a therapist.  We shared the back seat during our drive to and from Napa, so we had plenty of time to talk.  I love talking to therapists, getting tidbits of insight and information.  Sharing tidbits of insight and information.  She, then, recommended that I read the book How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy.  She said that she prescribes it to all her single patients.  So, since I was getting a free therapy session (actually, 4 hours of it), I bought the book.  But by page 20, I thought, why the heck am I reading this book?  Heck, I can write this book.  I know, perhaps a little cocky of me, but really, I think I could write a book about this very topic.*  Lately, that's all I've been asked about and that's all I've been talking about - and it has nothing to do with the book.  Young women are always curious about unmarried older women.  (Hey, I was!)  And the question always is, are you happy?  Y'know, not being married and all? 

I think we live in a society that pushes marriage.  And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting to get married and getting married, but it's as if there's something wrong with you if you're not.  At least, for women that's the unspoken message.  It doesn't matter how successful you are, but if you're not married, there is something wrong with you.  I mean, there must be something absolutely wrong with you that no one wants to marry you.

C'mon.

Heck, I love my family, and they are wonderful imperfect people, but for years, they thought (and may still think) that I'm an oddball.  You're over 30 and still not married!  What is wrong with you?  It's the topic of conversation every Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday parties.  My grandmother even wanted to set me up with her handyman.  My mother tried to set me up with every single co-worker or sons of co-workers.  Embarrassing, I know.  But with each passing year, my perceived failure in life is the fact that I am not hitched with a few babies in tow.

Honestly, it used to make me feel inadequate.  Their questions used to ring in my ears that I started to believe them.  There must be something absolutely wrong with me.  But I finally reached the point of not caring.  And it's not in some kind of rebellious way.  I just know that my success is in the fact that I didn't marry the wrong guy.  (And I'm not saying he or they were bad men, they were just not for me.  The wrong guy doesn't have to be a bad person, the wrong guy just means he's not the right one for you.)

And I also think that marriage is about timing as much as it is about the two people involved.  Some people are mature enough and ready to be married at 23 or 25 or 30.  I wasn't one of them.   

So, here's where my tidbit on the book comes in (you see, it's really a book of advice and lessons from women who married or didn't marry the wrong guy):        

On Saturday, the young adults group from my church had a carwash/rummage sale fundraising, and since I assist with leading the group, I spent a long morning under the sun with them.  During one of our extended breaks between carwashes and sales, the young women asked me if I liked being single.  It's common knowledge that my family and friends have been trying to marry me off for years, and since I've never shown any interest, the rumor is that I just really don't want to get married.

"I do love being single, " I told them.  "But I so want to get married and have kids, too."

They were a little confused.  But in fact, for me, it's never been clearer.

The fact that I love my independence, my solitude and my single life guarantees for me that I won't marry the wrong guy.  Because although I want to get married and have kids, I know it's not the "end all, be all" for me.

So, this is what I've been sharing with the young women around me:

Don't rush to get married just because everyone else is getting married.  And definitely don't get married just because you think that you're getting older and should be married.

Choose a life partner, as well as a business partner.  You need to be with someone you can make big decisions with, and whose decisions you trust.  Be with the person who has your back no matter what. 

Be with someone you respect - whose actions you respect, whose decisions you respect - even when you don't like them. 

Physical attraction is important no matter what people say.  He doesn't have to be gorgeous or hot to the world, but he should be super-hot to you.

Comfortable silences make for a good relationship.  (My guy friends say this is where I am very much like a guy - I love silence.  You don't have to talk to me.  BUT, I know that if I feel awkward in someone's silence, probably not my guy.) 

Enjoy your alone time.  Enjoy being single.  Date.  Travel.  Make new friends.  Take an art class.  Take writing classes.  Go hiking.  Explore.  Try out new restaurants.  Do whatever you want to do. 

It's important to be with someone who can be brutally honest with you.  But being brutally honest doesn't mean being cruel or inconsiderate or hurtful.  It shouldn't be cruel or inconsiderate or hurtful.  I actually learned that from a guy I dated who was a few years younger than me.  On our second conversation, he said, "I'm dating other women, but my philosophy is that if we fall in love, we fall in love.  And if I want to just be with you, or you with me, then we should let the other know.  But for now, let's see where this goes.  I definitely want to see where this goes."  I thought, wow!  How could you be dating other women?  How could you want to be dating other women?  And how can you tell me this?  But then, I also appreciated his honesty.  And have always respected him for it.  He told me when I was being selfish and detached.  I told him that he was way too young for me.  He wanted a relationship.  I was still in love with someone else.  And that was that.       

You learn something from every relationship, so don't limit yourself.  And if you're not learning anything, then, maybe it's time to move on.

You'll know when it's right.  And you'll know when it's time to let go.  You'll also know when it's worth fighting for.  When it's worth a little more patience.  Or a little more time.  But you have to trust yourself.  And the way to trust yourself is to know yourself.  How can you trust someone you don't know?  So, spend time getting to know you before you spend time getting to know someone else.    

Now, enjoy yourself!  And just to let you in on another secret, there is truth to that saying that you meet someone wonderful when you're having fun and when you're most happy being single.  Always happens to me.


-- oh wait, p.s.  Be with someone who brings out the playful, silly kid in you.  And definitely, someone who makes you laugh.

p.p.s. - And most significantly for me, I trust God.  More than I trust myself.  And at the same time, I trust myself because I trust God.  And thus, when my heart breaks because it didn't work out with someone I really, really liked, or especially, someone I really, really, really loved, I trust that maybe he's not who God chose for me.  Or maybe, it's not our time.  Just yet.  I have great faith in the life I've been given.  With the good and the bad.  And honestly, that has made all the difference.   


*Disclaimer: I'm not and can't give any reviews on this book because I never finished it.  But if a therapist prescribes it, and I trust her judgment, then, give it a read if you want.  From what I read, it's a pretty good series of advice from women.  And sometimes, we just need to hear it from someone else, y'know. 

 

a lesson to pass on

There is really something to be said about age - about getting older and being a little wiser.  Today, I told a young woman something I wish someone had told me when I was twenty-one (or twenty-eight, or thirty, or heck, a year ago):  

You should never have to convince someone that he should be with you, and should love you.     

You deserve to be with someone who is certain that you're the only one he wants to be with.  No one else. 

Don't settle for anything less than someone's sincere certainty. 

it makes sense

Avignon, France
May 2008

"Being free implies choosing your path, and each step can change our destiny - what's very frightening sometimes.  But today, looking back, I see that my days were perfect: whatever I needed came exactly when I needed it.  At the time, all I needed was to read for five years.  I did it and that was essential for me.

"As Schopenhauer says, when you see what you have overcome, you have the impression that you have followed a plot that had already been written.  However, at the moment of action, you seem to be lost in a storm: surprise after surprise, and many times with no time to breathe, having to make decisions all the time.  Only later will you understand that each surprise, each decision, made sense."  ~ Joseph Campbell (See entire article here.)

I've been reading old posts from this blog, and posts from my old blog before I started this one.  Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I was chronicling my journey to here - the present I was struggling to get to.  And it is quite amazing to see that everything does come together.  Decisions, feelings, actions that didn't make sense at the time now do.  It's easy to say if only I knew better then or I wish I knew this then, but you see, we wouldn't be where we are now if we didn't go through the then.  I needed to go through all the messiness, the storms, the heartbreaks and mistakes (so many mistakes!) to get to here.  And here isn't the end either.  There will be more.  As long as I'm breathing, as long as you're breathing, we have to deal with the here, the now.  But what I've finally learned is to be present for it.  To be present in the here.  To embrace it.  Who cares if I said all the wrong things yesterday (or eight years ago)?  I have an opportunity today, right now, to say the right things. 

Let's not allow this moment to pass us by ... I am so in love with this song.  And with right now.  :)

   

the conversation

My friend told me about this show, and after watching all three past episodes on Sunday, I'm hooked!  (You can check out the past episodes on the site here.)  It's not your typical interview-type show.  Amanda de Cadenet really engages with each person she talks to, and they have a "conversation" rather than a Q&A-type of interview. 

But, Amanda does end each conversation with the same two questions, which I found rather interesting: (1) What is your favorite sexual position?, and (2) What would you tell your 14-year-old self?  I won't answer the former, but the latter got my friend and I thinking.

At first, I thought I wouldn't tell her anything because just like Lady Gaga said in her response to the question, I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't go through everything I went through.  So, I wouldn't want to change anything.  But, I thought about it again, and again, and again.  And well, y'know, if I had a chance to make myself a better and happier 14-year-old, I would.  So, here's what I would tell her:

* Don't be so mean to Ms. Fowler. 

(You will want to thank her one day.)

* Don't overeat, and don't starve yourself.

* Join the Drama Department, and try out for that play.

* Keep taking piano lessons. 

* Don't quit ballet.  Dance dance dance. 

* Don't go out with boys who steal cars.

* There is nothing wrong with getting good grades.

* You are creative.  Embrace it.  Practice Practice Practice.

* There is nothing wrong with being different

from your best friends and their new crowds.

* Do your best always.  Don't be afraid to succeed.

* It's okay to cry over that boy you've loved since the fifth grade.  

Don't think you don't know what love is just because adults
tell you you're too young.
You will love him for the rest of your life.

* Everything will eventually be okay.

* You will be okay.

Lessons learned

Sometimes ...

You have to figure out what you don't want to find what it is you do want. 

It takes a couple of tries to figure out what works and what doesn't.

You change your mind.  It happens.

Feelings change.  It happens.

You have to take a hard look at yourself, where you went wrong, and then, fix it.  Because the only thing you have control over is you.  The only thing I have control over is me.

You have to check your motives, and if it's selfless and filled with kindness, then trust yourself.  You don't need to convince anyone else.

It feels like everything is falling apart, but you'll be okay. 

What once broke your heart to pieces you'll one day be able to talk about and smile. 

photo: Mark Tweedale

someone like you

The movie.  Not the song. 

I decided to take the afternoon off.  Was still tired from a very busy weekend.  So, I watched t.v., and I caught the end of Someone Like You.  If you've never seen the movie and do want to watch it, don't read this post because of course, I'm going to give away the ending. 

The ending where Ashley Judd's character (Jane) realized that she was in love with Hugh Jackman's character (Eddie).  You see, throughout the movie, Jane was in love with Ray (played by Greg Kinnear), but Ray was a selfish, self-centered, cheating a-hole.  Eddie, on the other hand, was the good-looking single guy who slept with different women, but was the honest friend.  The honest bachelor as my friends and I called the type.  The guy who dates around but is honest about it.  Everyone knows that he's dating around, including the women he goes out with.  He's really the commitment-type of guy even though it doesn't seem like it but it's only because he chooses who he commits to.  The thing about the Eddies, they don't pretend.  The Ray-type-of-man, on the other hand, pretends he can commit, pretends he's the relationship guy, sweet and showering with charm and promises but he can't commit to anyone at all because he's too consumed with himself.  Well, Jane had the unfortunate experience of falling for the charming Ray, over and over again.  He charmed her until he got her, and would string her along for awhile, then drop her again.  Familiar story?  Such relationships can go on for years.  But like such movies with happy endings, Jane realized that she was in love with Eddie, and ran (literally) after him.  Of course, he ended up loving her, too, and happily ever after.  Real life is not such, unfortunately.  But nonetheless, the movie made me think of the Rays and Eddies.  A particular Ray and Eddie in my life.

"Ray" being the cheating high school boyfriend, and "Eddie" the guy I met in my senior year of high school.  I'll call him Josh since he looked like Josh Hartnett.  Josh and I became instant friends, and since he lived a couple of blocks from me, we carpooled to school.  I would pick him and his brother up, and then, he and I would spend the next thirty minutes or so talking in the parking lot, which made both of us late for first period almost everyday.  He much later than me because he'd walk me to class at one end of the school while his was on the other end.

We spent a lot of time together during the fall semester - talking before school, between classes, and after school.  We talked a lot about everything.  Then, Christmas break came and Josh gave me a Christmas gift, which made the cheating boyfriend upset.  We fought and fought, and he blamed Josh for his infidelities.  And I believed him.  I thought it was my fault the cheating boyfriend was cheating. 

Yeah.  (I'm still shaking my head at that one.) 

So, I vowed not to spend so much time with Josh.  But cheating boyfriend wasn't satisfied.  He didn't want me picking Josh up or taking him home anymore.  I didn't have the heart to tell Josh.  So, one morning, I just didn't show up.  I avoided him at school.  We didn't have any classes together, so it was easy to avoid him.  When I saw him in the halls, I'd walk the other way. 

Damn, I was a coward.

Finally, a few weeks before graduation, Josh caught me in the hallway and refused to let me pass him.  He asked what happened.  "I just didn't feel like picking you up anymore," I said pretty coldly. 

"That's not what I meant," he said.  "Was it the Christmas gift?"

"No," I said.  But I couldn't look at him. 

"I mean, I just wanted to give you something.  I didn't want it to turn you off or push you away."

"It's not that," I said, but I still couldn't tell him the truth.

Then, he asked, "Ok, then, what happened with us?"

"Look, I just didn't want to pick you up anymore.  I have too many things going on, and I have to go."  At that, I walked away. 

I felt him staring at my back until I turned at the end of the hall, and saw a glimpse of him still standing where I left him.  I wanted to turn around and run back to him, tell him I made a mistake, and that I was so very sorry for being stupid and choosing the cheating boyfriend.  But, unlike Jane, I didn't do that.

I stayed with the cheating boyfriend.  Josh and I graduated, and never spoke again.

I look for him every now and then.  Wonder how he's doing.   

My best friend just sent me this text (a few seconds ago), which is probably a good way to end this post.  She wrote, "Oprah's aha moment: choose love instead of fear."  My best friend is a big Oprah fan.

She's right, though.

looking back, finding the answers, and moving on

I've been working on the story.  Y'know, the one I've been "struggling" with the last couple of years.  Anyhow, in my research through drafts of things I've written as part of this story or in relation to the story, I came across these two pieces that I had forgotten about.  But, I believe I was meant to find them today.  Because, like I said, I had forgotten.  And thus, lately, I have been struggling.  But, in reading these, I was reminded.  And I found my answers.  Here they are:

Love The Place You're In
One of my favorite lines from a poem was written by Lynda Hull in "Magical Thinking."  She wrote, "It is common human longing to want utterly to vanish from one life and arrive transformed in another."  I think I was five when I first wished my life to freeze at a certain moment, and everything that occurred thereafter was just a long dream.  The moment was the day before my dog, Sugar, died.  We were playing in front of my grandfather's house - I was the circus master, and Sugar was the acrobatic dog that could walk on a big red ball across the driveway to the yard.  Everyday, for years, after she died, I wished and prayed that her death was just a horrible nightmare.  Perhaps it was then I learned to live my life in memories of the "good ol' days," or in dreaming about an unknown future.  Somehow, this habit of mine kept me from living in the present, and I went through the next twenty-nine years always wanting to live in some other time or some other place.

But, of course, each time I woke up, I was still right where I was when I went to bed.  In Los Angeles.  The city I hated and loved.  The city I had always wanted to leave, and somehow, could never turn my back on.  I realized that each time the city loosened its grip, I would push my way back in and hold on tighter than ever.  I couldn't walk away.  I couldn't let go.

I just came back from vacationing in Europe, where I traveled through Spain, France, and Italy.  While there, I tried to imagine how my life would have been if I had studied abroad during my last year at USC.  I still clearly remember the day I decided not to go to Spain for the Study Abroad Program.  For hours, I sat near the fountain facing Tommy Trojan, rationalizing in my head that it was the right decision because financially, I just couldn't afford it.  Truth: I didn't want to leave my at-that-time-boyfriend.  But when he started becoming mean, and things didn't work out, I resented him for the decision I made.  And when I met J, I regretted my decision even more, and my resentment grew stronger.  I wondered whether I would have met J had I gone, and maybe, things would have been different.  Somehow, it seemed that J and I had so many missed encounters - two wandering souls meant to find each other but never doing so, until that moment in the library.

But during my trip, as I walked through the streets of Sevilla, I realized that J and I weren't meant to meet then, and we are not meant to have a "now" much more a future.  We were just a moment in time, which is now only a memory.  When that realization came, I no longer wished to be at another place or time.  I no longer yearned for the past that held him.  And my need to run away seemed to have disappeared leaving an unfamiliar, but reassuring, sense of stability.  It was, then, I knew I loved the place I was in - on that street corner facing Universidad de Sevilla, the fact that I was there on vacation, and the fact that after two weeks, I would be going home ... to the City of Angels. 

I thought, sometimes, you just have to stand still on a street corner in a foreign city, and let the life you could have lived run through you.  Then, open your eyes to the life you are living, to the moment you're in on that same street corner, where each block in all four directions are just as unfamiliar.  I decided I wasn't going to let the moment pass me by again.  I only have this life to live.  I may only have this moment to see what's in that next corner because who knows what the next moment will bring.  The possibilities are endless, which adds to the beauty of it all.


Message from Barcelona, May 18, 2008
I probably should be doing something else rather than spending time in an Internet cafe, but it's raining outside and I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to email my parents.  Also, I figured this is where "Maya and Dante"* started, so perhaps, this is where it should end.

During my flight to Madrid, where I spent my first three nights in Spain, I anticipated feeling nostalgic, and I feared that I was going to be overcome with "missing-J-syndrome."  I guess it was natural to feel such anticipation since I couldn't help but associate Spain (and a Europe trip in that matter) with memories of him, and with feelings of confusion about an unfamiliar future I was afraid to venture into.

But anyhow, this is not supposed to be about J.  Somehow, reminiscing about him, much more writing about memories we shared, always makes me feel that I'm somehow disrespecting his marriage, which I have no intention of doing.  So, this is about letting go.  Thus, that's why I decided to end the "Maya and Dante" blogs.  Without intending the story to unfold the way it did, it somehow just happened that the last post ends with Maya's own closure because through her story, I found my own closure, too.

I realized that I let J go a long time ago, and what I held on to all this time was the friendship we shared, and the comfort he always gave me.  When we've been hurt, it is only a natural tendency to hold on to what comforts us and what makes us feel better.  When we've been bruised too many times, it's only natural to want to keep close what eases our pain.  Thus, I needed to hold on to him to remind me not to gravitate to old habits of bad and unhealthy relationships.  Because it's easy to gravitate to what is familiar.  No matter how bad.  But J pulled me away from all of that, and it is the comfort he offered that I held on to.  I guess, I didn't trust that I could have the strength to pull myself away from another unhealthy relationship.  I guess, I didn't think I'd recognize when something was bad for me until it was too late.  But I realize now, I can do it on my own: walk away from things that are bad.  Without him to catch me when I fell.

So, I arrived in Madrid, and although the place was familiar with thoughts of him, I was different.  I didn't miss him.  I didn't feel lost and confused.  I don't know how I got to this state of just knowing, and no longer questioning.  But, somehow, I did.  And that, I know I did on my own.

For a long time, I wondered when J turned from the good-looking stranger I had a huge crush on to the friend who caused the end of life as I knew it.  But now, the answer to that doesn't matter so much.  All I need to know is that love happened.

... Most of the time, the answers to the questions that haunts us are really inside our hearts, and we'll find the answers if we only have the courage to look inside.  Love happens when we least expect it.  And that's the beauty of it all. 


*Maya and Dante was my original blog.  It's the story I've been working on.  A story I really finished four years ago.   

wish list + things that made me smile

I had a rough week.  But, in some ways, it was good.  Forced me to stop, listen, and think.  Re-evaluate things.  And I learned a lot about myself.  My ability to bounce back.  My ability to smile despite the things I've been through and the things I've seen.  My ability to hold on to hope.  And faith.  No matter what.

And because of everything I've been through, I'm a firm believer that every new day is an opportunity to change our lives.  Sometimes, it just takes awhile.  But every step we take is one step closer to where we want to be.  And even if where we want to be changes, that's okay.  Life is about change.  Every day is a different day. 

Anyhow, thought I'd start this new series on my blog called the "wish list."  Every Sunday, I'd post something new.  For inspiration.  I need visual inspiration.  So, here's my first set of the wish list:

wish list: 

the outfit

via prepfection

the ring

via ijeOma

travels

via pretty rosetta

vacation home

via nantucketyouth

+ the things that made me smile:

Background: I have young parents.  Well, they got married young.  Had kids young.  Got divorced young.  So, it was hard.  I feel as if we all had to grow up together.  For a long time, I felt as if I didn't have parents.  At least, the parents I imagined parents to be.  But this week, my parents became mom and dad: the two people I could count on to be there for me and to love me no matter what. 

My dad sent me this text last night: I don't want you to move away from me because that would break my heart. 

And today, my mom whispered to me: Don't worry.  It'll be okay. 

Those were enough to make me smile.  Those were enough to re-assure me that things will be okay.

What if we skipped the in-between?

Over dinner last night, the topic of destiny came up.  My friend is a big believer in destiny.  In fate. 

I met someone I want to see again, but don't know how.  Yet, I told my friends that I believe if he's meant to be in my life, our paths will cross again.  It's just a matter of when.

I guess, you can say, I, too, believe in destiny.  In fate.

But, it's because I've witnessed it.  Been a part of it. 

I once dated a guy who I actually met two years prior to dating him.  We met in passing, work-related, spoke for a few minutes, and in those few minutes, I knew I liked something about him.  So much that I called my best friend afterwards and told her I just experienced a "big crush" moment.  I saw him one other time, within that same week, while I was having lunch with my best friend.  Perhaps, just so I can point him out to her.  Then, nothing.  Didn't see him again.    

Fast forward two years later, a different friend (who had no idea about my crush) sets me up.  With my "big crush."

Okay, we didn't work out.  But, he changed me.  He made a permanent mark in my life.

Then, after several other examples of friends of friends who've had past missed encounters with the person they eventually ended up marrying, we talked about the person I loved (and lost) long ago, the person called by friends as Mr. Wonderful.  And I told them how after getting to know each other, Mr. Wonderful and I realized we could've met five years earlier. 

At that my friend nearly screamed, "And you could've skipped the whole awful-ex-boyfriend part!"  (Yes, maybe, I could've.)  You see, the reason I didn't go to the exchange program where I could've met Mr. Wonderful was because I had just started dating the awful ex-boyfriend, and my young self didn't want to leave her boyfriend.  "You could've skipped all of that!" my friend said again. 

And that's when we pondered about: what if we just skipped the in-between?  If two people are meant to be together anyway, what's the point of the missed encounters, the brief meetings?  If Mr. Wonderful and I were meant to end up together anyway, why couldn't we have just met five years earlier?  So, I could've missed the whole awful ex-boyfriend part!

"But that's not life," my other friend said.  "You were supposed to go through the awful ex-boyfriend part!  You were supposed to experience that."  

God has a funny sense of humor.  Because life is quite an irony.  The reason I finally broke up with the awful ex-boyfriend?  Because I met Mr. Wonderful.   

And yes, we didn't work out either.  But he changed my life, too.  In such big ways.  And because of that, the questions had to be asked: what if we had met five years earlier?  Skipped all of the in-between?  Would we have worked out?

There are no answers to those questions.  That wasn't our life.  That wasn't our story.     

But, will I see this new, mysterious guy again? 

I think so.

In the meantime, I'm going to embrace this in-between part.  At least, I don't have the awful ex-boyfriend.  At least, I can enjoy it.  And I should.  And I will.  Because this is life. 

photo: Hidehiko Sakashita

berkeley.

I was in Berkeley this past weekend.  For a conference.  The last time I was here, it was for a high school speech tournament.  I can't believe I haven't returned since then.  Maybe it's because I felt ashamed and undeserving of returning.  You see, I really wanted to go to school here, but I didn't even try.  I was one of those girls who was afraid to leave her boyfriend.  The same boyfriend who cheated on me with a so-called friend right before an important competition.  I competed at Berkeley with a heavy and broken heart.  I didn't win, but I didn't care either.  Actually, I was proud to just be there.  That I was one of the few chosen to compete.  It goes without saying I went back to the cheating boyfriend, and didn't go back to Berkeley, but that's history.    

I can't believe that's what I thought about when I landed at the Oakland airport.  Something that happened years (I don't even want to say how many), years and years ago!

The thing about it though is that while I did remember that unfortunate experience, the memory didn't affect me in any way.  During the first evening of the conference, while I sat in this huge ballroom with rows and rows of chairs filled with attorneys from different backgrounds, ages, and levels of experience, listening to the Chief Justice of the California Supreme Court speak to us, I thought, I made it.

I realized that despite the detours, delays, and some setbacks, I still got to where I wanted to be.  Yes, I went back to the cheating boyfriend, but I did let him go.  Eventually.  And okay, perhaps, I made the same mistake again, afterwards, with another not-so-nice boyfriend.  But the great thing about life is that we can get back on track, and go where we want to be.  It's up to us.  Eventually, I let go of the not-so-nice boyfriend, too.  And I'm where I want to be.     

this week in rewind + things to be grateful for

Time seems to pass much faster the older we get.  Doesn't it?  February came and went.  Just like that. 

But, this week, I thought, rather than thinking, "geez, it's already March," probably the way to look at it is, wow, it's only March!  Because truth is, a lot has happened since the start of the year.  A lot has happened since the first of February.  Life is ever-moving.  Each new day brings in new possibilities.  New discoveries.  New beginnings.  And endings.  I am in love with life.  And I fall deeper and deeper in love with it everyday. 

At the start of this year, I told myself, that despite the heavy weight on my heart, I will begin and end every day with thank you.  But, of course, there are days when I don't feel very grateful.  I had a lot of those days (moments) this week.  Especially the latter part of the week.  But, I willed myself to sit still, even for just a few minutes, and take a hard look at life, my life, and I realized there is much to be grateful for every day.  Even on my bad days.  During Wednesday's prayer meeting, one of the boys said he was grateful for just being there.  His friend passed away on Monday.  He just didn't wake up.  They were playing football Sunday afternoon, he experienced chest pains Sunday night, and his parents were going to take him to the doctor on Monday.  But he didn't wake up.  He was eighteen years old.  

So, I'm grateful for this morning.  The ability to write this post.   

And, I'm grateful for ...

... this song.  Mat Kearney has been a comforting companion this week.

... the realization that although friendships change (painfully), as well, and someone who was once your best friend can turn into a fleeting presence in your life, there is someone else who gladly takes her place, and becomes the person whose words make everything better. 

... Annie Hall.  Someone once told me that he was surprised I had never seen this movie because it's definitely a movie I'd love.  I watched it for the first time on Friday night.  He was right.  It's my recent addition to my list of favorite movies.

... beautiful weather, beautiful views and long walks.

Los Feliz - Griffith Park Loop

Distance: 3.8 miles

Steps: 463

Happy Sunday, everyone!  Enjoy your day.  

 

on working out (and life) + another great discovery in my neighborhood

I had a long day.  But, I went to Cardio Barre nonetheless!  It's my current obsession.  Pushes my body (and mind) to limits I thought I couldn't reach, and that feels empowering.  Not to mention, it reminds me of days of ballet practice (long, long ago!), and that is just priceless.

I can't believe February is almost over.  But, thank God for an extra day.  Yay for Leap Year!

A lot happened this month.  Another Secret Stairs Walk accomplished.  Another hidden treasure discovered right in my backyard.

Beachwood Canyon Walk: 2.6 miles, 861 steps.

Life is moving.  And it feels good.  The lesson is that no matter how much your heart is breaking, you have to keep moving.  And eventually, the hurt will subside.  Or, at the very least, it won't be too paralyzing.  Then, maybe in time, what was breaking your heart won't matter anymore.  It won't hurt anymore. 

But in the meantime, keep moving.  Never stop moving.   

       

Another way of looking at it

"People say you don't know what you've got till it's gone.

Truth is, you knew what you had,

you just never thought you'd lose it."

- Janelle Cooper

"Everything in its perfect time"

"Some things you're not letting happen right now

because the timing isn't perfect for you.

Some you're not letting happen because

you are very aware of where you are.  But

all things, as they are happening,

are happening in perfect order.  And if you

will relax and begin saying,

'Everything in its perfect time.

Everything is unfolding.  And I'm enjoying

where I am now, in relationship to where

I'm going.  Content where I am,

and eager for more,'

that is the perfect vibrational stance."

(-Abraham Hicks)

photo via

Like Crazy

Finally saw it.  And it's painfully.  real.

The thing is we don't choose who we fall in love with.  We just fall.

And I've found that even if it hurts and ends up breaking our hearts, we are still considered lucky if we meet that someone who just fits.  Even if all the circumstances doesn't.  Because even in our saddest moments, he/she still makes us happy for having touched our lives.  Because he/she inspires us to be a better person.  And that, to me, is the core of happiness. 

After the movie, my friend asked me what if she got it wrong?  With her husband.  What if she could be happier?

I told her about a conversation I had with a mutual friend a couple of years ago.  We were talking about loss and relationships.  Life.  And I remember telling him that I was happy, and I realized that as much as it broke my heart to pieces when I let a certain someone go, I believe I had to go through that to be here.  I told him that I didn't think I'd be the person I have become if I didn't go through that.  The kind of pain that made it hard to breathe.  For months afterwards.  The agonizing regret that followed.  It changed me.  And I came out of it a different person.  A person I actually like.  A person I love.  And I'm happy.

He asked, "but what if you could've been happier?  With him?"

And I remember saying, "But I'm really happy now.  Why would I change this for something I don't know?  I can't live on a what if.  What if I could've been happier, but what if I could've been really sad?"

Maybe neither of us had the answer.  Maybe no one does.

All I know is that we can't help how we feel.  But the least we could do for ourselves is be real. 

The truth of the matter was, I told her, I loved him.  But I wasn't happy.  And it didn't feel right.  Something was missing.  And maybe it was just me.  But at the end of the day, I live with me.  Sleep with me.  Wake with me.  So I need(ed) to be okay.  And I wasn't okay.  And now that I'm more than okay, I know more than ever that I did the right thing.  At that moment, when I let him go, I knew I could be happier.  Because I wasn't. 

So, I asked her, are you happy?

Friday morning message

"God allows us to experience the low points of life

in order to teach us lessons that we could learn

in no other way."

(- C.S. Lewis.)

Happy Friday, beautiful people!

Hope you embrace this day

for there won't be another one just like it.

So, let's live every moment.  With a smile.  :)

And thank you for reading.

You inspire me everyday.

But, honestly, you've been awfully quiet.

So, drop me a line.

Love hearing from you!

p.s. I love Halloween!  How are you celebrating this weekend?  What are you going to be?   

Photo: Brendan O

the reason

We do get over it.

You know, that heartache that

squeezed your insides so hard

you couldn't breathe.

That heartache that made

you feel paralyzed.

We do get over it.

You know, that loss that

left you feeling hollow and empty.

You do get over it.

If you try.

If you believe.

Because, sometimes, the things that hurt us the most

has a way of turning out to be best thing that happened to us.

* * *

I tried to work on my book today.

I wrote two sentences.

But I read through pages and pages of journal

entries, old blog posts, and scribbles of half-attempts

at poetry that I had written in the last eight years.

So, I wasn't that unproductive.

There is a lot of learning

 from past loves, past ideas,

past mistakes, and

past broken hearts.

And, I decided to write a completely different story.

You see, sometimes we start off with one goal:

get over the heartache.

But we end up somewhere else:

in love.

I saw him the other night.

He played the guitar while I listened.

And as I watched and listened to him play,

I thought, you're the reason.

The reason it couldn't work out with him.

You were the reason before we even met.

Because I had to meet you.

I don't know how our story will end,

but I am sure of one thing.

I'm glad we met.

(written a long, long time ago

for a boy i met at a halloween party ... long, long ago.)

Photo: Dara Russell