During my SF trip, I met one of my friend's cousins, who is a therapist. We shared the back seat during our drive to and from Napa, so we had plenty of time to talk. I love talking to therapists, getting tidbits of insight and information. Sharing tidbits of insight and information. She, then, recommended that I read the book How Not to Marry the Wrong Guy. She said that she prescribes it to all her single patients. So, since I was getting a free therapy session (actually, 4 hours of it), I bought the book. But by page 20, I thought, why the heck am I reading this book? Heck, I can write this book. I know, perhaps a little cocky of me, but really, I think I could write a book about this very topic.* Lately, that's all I've been asked about and that's all I've been talking about - and it has nothing to do with the book. Young women are always curious about unmarried older women. (Hey, I was!) And the question always is, are you happy? Y'know, not being married and all?
I think we live in a society that pushes marriage. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting to get married and getting married, but it's as if there's something wrong with you if you're not. At least, for women that's theunspoken message. It doesn't matter how successful you are, but if you're not married, there is something wrong with you. I mean, there must be something absolutely wrong with you that no one wants to marry you.
C'mon.
Heck, I love my family, and they are wonderful imperfect people, but for years, they thought (and may still think) that I'm an oddball. You're over 30 and still not married! What is wrong with you? It's the topic of conversation every Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday parties. My grandmother even wanted to set me up with her handyman. My mother tried to set me up with every single co-worker or sons of co-workers. Embarrassing, I know. But with each passing year, my perceived failure in life is the fact that I am not hitched with a few babies in tow.
Honestly, it used to make me feel inadequate. Their questions used to ring in my ears that I started to believe them. There must be something absolutely wrong with me. But I finally reached the point of not caring. And it's not in some kind of rebellious way. I just know that my success is in the fact that I didn't marry the wrong guy. (And I'm not saying he or they were bad men, they were just not for me. The wrong guy doesn't have to be a bad person, the wrong guy just means he's not the right one for you.)
And I also think that marriage is about timing as much as it is about the two people involved. Some people are mature enough and ready to be married at 23 or 25 or 30. I wasn't one of them.
So, here's where my tidbit on the book comes in (you see, it's really a book of advice and lessons from women who married or didn't marry the wrong guy):
On Saturday, the young adults group from my church had a carwash/rummage sale fundraising, and since I assist with leading the group, I spent a long morning under the sun with them. During one of our extended breaks between carwashes and sales, the young women asked me if I liked being single. It's common knowledge that my family and friends have been trying to marry me off for years, and since I've never shown any interest, the rumor is that I just really don't want to get married.
"I do love being single, " I told them. "But I so want to get married and have kids, too."
They were a little confused. But in fact, for me, it's never been clearer.
The fact that I love my independence, my solitude and my single life guarantees for me that I won't marry the wrong guy. Because although I want to get married and have kids, I know it's not the "end all, be all" for me.
So, this is what I've been sharing with the young women around me:
Don't rush to get married just because everyone else is getting married. And definitely don't get married just because you think that you're getting older and should be married.
Choose a life partner, as well as a business partner. You need to be with someone you can make big decisions with, and whose decisions you trust. Be with the person who has your back no matter what.
Be with someone you respect - whose actions you respect, whose decisions you respect - even when you don't like them.
Physical attraction is important no matter what people say. He doesn't have to be gorgeous or hot to the world, but he should be super-hot to you.
Comfortable silences make for a good relationship. (My guy friends say this is where I am very much like a guy - I love silence. You don't have to talk to me. BUT, I know that if I feel awkward in someone's silence, probably not my guy.)
Enjoy your alone time. Enjoy being single. Date. Travel. Make new friends. Take an art class. Take writing classes. Go hiking. Explore. Try out new restaurants. Do whatever you want to do.
It's important to be with someone who can be brutally honest with you. But being brutally honest doesn't mean being cruel or inconsiderate or hurtful. It shouldn't be cruel or inconsiderate or hurtful. I actually learned that from a guy I dated who was a few years younger than me. On our second conversation, he said, "I'm dating other women, but my philosophy is that if we fall in love, we fall in love. And if I want to just be with you, or you with me, then we should let the other know. But for now, let's see where this goes. I definitely want to see where this goes." I thought, wow! How could you be dating other women? How could you want to be dating other women? And how can you tell me this? But then, I also appreciated his honesty. And have always respected him for it. He told me when I was being selfish and detached. I told him that he was way too young for me. He wanted a relationship. I was still in love with someone else. And that was that.
You learn something from every relationship, so don't limit yourself. And if you're not learning anything, then, maybe it's time to move on.
You'll know when it's right. And you'll know when it's time to let go. You'll also know when it's worth fighting for. When it's worth a little more patience. Or a little more time. But you have to trust yourself. And the way to trust yourself is to know yourself. How can you trust someone you don't know? So, spend time getting to know you before you spend time getting to know someone else.
Now, enjoy yourself! And just to let you in on another secret, there is truth to that saying that you meet someone wonderful when you're having fun and when you're most happy being single. Always happens to me.
-- oh wait, p.s. Be with someone who brings out the playful, silly kid in you. And definitely, someone who makes you laugh.
p.p.s. - And most significantly for me, I trust God. More than I trust myself. And at the same time, I trust myself because I trust God. And thus, when my heart breaks because it didn't work out with someone I really, really liked, or especially, someone I really, really, really loved, I trust that maybe he's not who God chose for me. Or maybe, it's not our time. Just yet. I have great faith in the life I've been given. With the good and the bad. And honestly, that has made all the difference.
*Disclaimer: I'm not and can't give any reviews on this book because I never finished it. But if a therapist prescribes it, and I trust her judgment, then, give it a read if you want. From what I read, it's a pretty good series of advice from women. And sometimes, we just need to hear it from someone else, y'know.
I think we live in a society that pushes marriage. And I'm not saying there's anything wrong with wanting to get married and getting married, but it's as if there's something wrong with you if you're not. At least, for women that's the
C'mon.
Heck, I love my family, and they are wonderful imperfect people, but for years, they thought (and may still think) that I'm an oddball. You're over 30 and still not married! What is wrong with you? It's the topic of conversation every Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday parties. My grandmother even wanted to set me up with her handyman. My mother tried to set me up with every single co-worker or sons of co-workers. Embarrassing, I know. But with each passing year, my perceived failure in life is the fact that I am not hitched with a few babies in tow.
Honestly, it used to make me feel inadequate. Their questions used to ring in my ears that I started to believe them. There must be something absolutely wrong with me. But I finally reached the point of not caring. And it's not in some kind of rebellious way. I just know that my success is in the fact that I didn't marry the wrong guy. (And I'm not saying he or they were bad men, they were just not for me. The wrong guy doesn't have to be a bad person, the wrong guy just means he's not the right one for you.)
And I also think that marriage is about timing as much as it is about the two people involved. Some people are mature enough and ready to be married at 23 or 25 or 30. I wasn't one of them.
So, here's where my tidbit on the book comes in (you see, it's really a book of advice and lessons from women who married or didn't marry the wrong guy):
On Saturday, the young adults group from my church had a carwash/rummage sale fundraising, and since I assist with leading the group, I spent a long morning under the sun with them. During one of our extended breaks between carwashes and sales, the young women asked me if I liked being single. It's common knowledge that my family and friends have been trying to marry me off for years, and since I've never shown any interest, the rumor is that I just really don't want to get married.
"I do love being single, " I told them. "But I so want to get married and have kids, too."
They were a little confused. But in fact, for me, it's never been clearer.
The fact that I love my independence, my solitude and my single life guarantees for me that I won't marry the wrong guy. Because although I want to get married and have kids, I know it's not the "end all, be all" for me.
So, this is what I've been sharing with the young women around me:
Don't rush to get married just because everyone else is getting married. And definitely don't get married just because you think that you're getting older and should be married.
Choose a life partner, as well as a business partner. You need to be with someone you can make big decisions with, and whose decisions you trust. Be with the person who has your back no matter what.
Be with someone you respect - whose actions you respect, whose decisions you respect - even when you don't like them.
Physical attraction is important no matter what people say. He doesn't have to be gorgeous or hot to the world, but he should be super-hot to you.
Comfortable silences make for a good relationship. (My guy friends say this is where I am very much like a guy - I love silence. You don't have to talk to me. BUT, I know that if I feel awkward in someone's silence, probably not my guy.)
Enjoy your alone time. Enjoy being single. Date. Travel. Make new friends. Take an art class. Take writing classes. Go hiking. Explore. Try out new restaurants. Do whatever you want to do.
It's important to be with someone who can be brutally honest with you. But being brutally honest doesn't mean being cruel or inconsiderate or hurtful. It shouldn't be cruel or inconsiderate or hurtful. I actually learned that from a guy I dated who was a few years younger than me. On our second conversation, he said, "I'm dating other women, but my philosophy is that if we fall in love, we fall in love. And if I want to just be with you, or you with me, then we should let the other know. But for now, let's see where this goes. I definitely want to see where this goes." I thought, wow! How could you be dating other women? How could you want to be dating other women? And how can you tell me this? But then, I also appreciated his honesty. And have always respected him for it. He told me when I was being selfish and detached. I told him that he was way too young for me. He wanted a relationship. I was still in love with someone else. And that was that.
You learn something from every relationship, so don't limit yourself. And if you're not learning anything, then, maybe it's time to move on.
You'll know when it's right. And you'll know when it's time to let go. You'll also know when it's worth fighting for. When it's worth a little more patience. Or a little more time. But you have to trust yourself. And the way to trust yourself is to know yourself. How can you trust someone you don't know? So, spend time getting to know you before you spend time getting to know someone else.
Now, enjoy yourself! And just to let you in on another secret, there is truth to that saying that you meet someone wonderful when you're having fun and when you're most happy being single. Always happens to me.
-- oh wait, p.s. Be with someone who brings out the playful, silly kid in you. And definitely, someone who makes you laugh.
p.p.s. - And most significantly for me, I trust God. More than I trust myself. And at the same time, I trust myself because I trust God. And thus, when my heart breaks because it didn't work out with someone I really, really liked, or especially, someone I really, really, really loved, I trust that maybe he's not who God chose for me. Or maybe, it's not our time. Just yet. I have great faith in the life I've been given. With the good and the bad. And honestly, that has made all the difference.
*Disclaimer: I'm not and can't give any reviews on this book because I never finished it. But if a therapist prescribes it, and I trust her judgment, then, give it a read if you want. From what I read, it's a pretty good series of advice from women. And sometimes, we just need to hear it from someone else, y'know.
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