On the real: owning up to it - I'm forty!

One day I woke up and ... can you believe it? I'm forty! How did this happen? Well, of course we all know how it happened: the earth continued to move, night turned into day, day into night, on repeat, and bam! Just like that, a whole decade went by, and I'm not thirty anymore.

But in all honesty, I'm glad I'm not. Thirty, that is. At least not the thirty-year-old that I was: sad, confused, insecure and lost. For my thirtieth birthday, I went to a specific bar (way across town from where I lived) in hopes of running into the guy who just a few weeks back I emailed (because I was such a coward I couldn't do it in person) that it was over between us and I didn't want to see him again. Talk about confused, right?

So, I don't have a problem with not being thirty anymore. But, I still can't grasp the fact that I'm forty because (unfortunately) I had made it a deadline for all the things I didn't accomplish by thirty: marriage, kids, a published novel, house, debt-free. And let's just say that if this deadline was for a school project or some statutory limitation, I failed or I just completely screwed my client.

But, thank God I'm not being graded on completion of my to-do list.

It probably begs the question, however, what had I been doing these last ten years?

Living. Learning.

And one of the great lessons I've learned is that life doesn't always turn out the way I planned. Or the way I even imagined. In fact, no matter how carefully and perfectly I designed my life, it will never turn out exactly like the blueprints. And because of that I can't be so bent out of shape about it.

But, I spent a long time doing exactly that.

Because I thought that as long as I followed the course of college, work, law school, work, date, work, write, work - and add financial independence as well as kindness to the mix - then, everything else would fall into place. I'd have a successful career as a lawyer and writer to pay off my student loans (Yeah, right!), buy a house (in California, are you kidding me?) and I'll meet a nice guy, get married and have kids. It was all supposed to work out that way because I did everything I thought I was supposed to do.

Wrong.

Life doesn't work that way. It's full of variables. I could have gotten married and had kids and been miserable. Or I could be making tons of money, and hate what I do. I could have bought a house but was bombarded with plumbing issues.

Or, I could have gotten married, had kids with a big house, and been extremely happy.

Who knows?

The point is not to discourage anyone in making plans or working towards your goals and dreams whatever they may be. What I'm sharing is the best thing I learned in my forty years: appreciate what I have and how to deal with grace the disappointments and challenges that come my way.

I didn't get everything I wanted in life. And most likely, that will remain true for future desires. But now in hindsight, although at the time I was angry, depressed and discouraged for not getting a specific job or being rejected by someone I was in love with, I'm glad that things didn't work out. The only thing I would've done differently is I wouldn't have spent so much time and energy wallowing over my disappointments. But what was done is done, and I remind myself that as important as it is to look back once in awhile, I need to pay attention to what's in front of me. And honestly, it's not so bad. In fact, I like my life. Even without having all the things on my checklist. On some days, lately on most, I actually love it. I couldn't say that ten years ago.

So, I already have a feeling 40s is going to be great! It has been pretty awesome so far.