... so I'm doing this

I started blogging consistently again. Participated in blogging challenges that I didn't quite finish. And then, I disappeared because well, now I'm doing this ...

If you're not familiar with NaNoWriMo, it stands for National Novel Writing Month, and it happens every November. The goal is to write 50,000 words of a new novel in 30 days. Pretty much, the goal is to finish the first draft of a novel. What I've learned so far in the last five days is that it's TOUGH. It's incredibly hard. And I respect, even more, any writer who has written a book. 

As for me, I don't seem to learn from putting too much on my plate. Between trying to finish those blogging challenges, training for the half marathon, and working, I got a bad cold and was sick for a few days. It pushed me way back in training and now, I don't even know if I'll be able to run because of course, there is always something else ...

... this time, it's my back, which may have a lot to do with sitting for long hours working, writing and in traffic. Yesterday, I left the office early because the pain in my lower back had traveled to my upper back/shoulder area and well, let's just say that it hurt too much that I couldn't push it out of my mind. I got home, cooked dinner and spent the rest of the afternoon and evening in bed, uncomfortably. I couldn't move without letting out a scream. 

I woke up this morning and thought of going to yoga class, but my bed pulled me back in, scolding me about not getting enough sleep in the last couple of weeks. What I needed was sleep because well, waking up at 4:00 a.m. the last couple of days was wearing my body out. And, as much as I hate to admit it, my bed was right. An extra hour of sleep didn't make my pain completely go away, but my body felt rested and stronger that I can fight it. And now, I can lift the coffee mug without letting out a scream.  

Now, that I've vented, what do I do? What other lessons have I learned? 

Well, I really want to finish this novel. And I will. This month. Because I've completely lost my mind. No, but seriously, I've realized more than ever that I'm a writer. It's the part of me I fight all the time because there are all of these other roles that take or need priority: lawyer, daughter, sister, aunt, friend. So, I keep writer me on a shelf, hidden away, and I take her out only once in awhile, and when I do it's usually at the end of the day when I'm exhausted. But the last few weeks, I've taken her out more and even shared her with others, and despite getting sick and now with this excruciating back pain, I've never felt more like me. Complete. Whole. 

So, I'm going to keep on writing. Despite back pain and no time at all, I'm going to write. 

I'll check in here at least once a week, twice if I'm really insane, during this month of novel writing. Wish me luck! And if you're participating in NaNoWriMo, leave me a message and/or add me as a buddy here. I'd love to hear from you.

This moment: a writer's rant to find her voice

I've tried to write a post for the last two hours, but halfway through, I hit a wall. The words seemed force. They didn't come naturally. They didn't sound like me. They didn't sound like me because I was making them sound like someone else's voice. I tend to do that when I find a voice that I like, a voice that pulls me in. I start thinking I want to write like that. I like that person's voice and I want to sound just like that person. Maybe if my voice was like that person's I'd have more readers or I'd finally get something published. So, I try to mimic, and it never works.

Because it's not my voice.

I once heard someone say that copying someone else's voice not only cheats you out of getting your's heard but it also deprives the world from hearing what you have to say. Since most written subjects are universal, what makes each story unique is the voice of the writer. And that was why my college poetry professor and adviser kept telling me to find my voice and once I did, to not be afraid to let it out.  

But I struggle with that. Being a writer we bare our souls with our words, our voice. And that can be terrifying because it makes us vulnerable, craving for acceptance of our work, our stories. I've been reading a lot of posts on the 31-Dayer Facebook page about concerns that the challenge has not brought much traffic to the blogs. And I'm guilty of that concern, as well. We're writers and we want readers. We write to be read. It goes hand in hand.

Yet, I also believe that writing is a personal journey, where there's a lot to be gained and those are not lost just because the experience was not shared with others. That's what I tell myself to keep me writing. We need to practice our skill. And that's what this writing challenge is all about, right? To push us to write.

And boy, it's pushing me. It's kicking my arse.

Because it has been a challenge. For one, there's the commitment. It takes a lot of time to write everyday. It takes even more time when you know you're going to publish it for all of blog world to read. It takes time that I don't have.

But again, I'm doing it. I'm doing it because I'm tired of hearing myself talk about how I want to be a writer but I don't spend nearly enough time writing (outside of what I write for work, that is). I don't spend the time necessary to finish my novel and the collection of short stories I've started. I'm just tired of starting something and not finishing it. So, even if this post has become a rant of some sort, I'm writing. And I'm writing in my voice.

Sometimes, if going on a rant is what it takes to find your voice, do it. Just write.

writing through frustration

Thought I'd share this short video because well, I saw it today and it made me feel better.  It made me feel less alone and freakish as I go through the challenges and frustrations in writing this novel.  The goal, of course, is to tell the story and in the process, hopefully become a better writer.  But, achieving that goal can be darn difficult.

Writing is not always easy.  In fact, I don't think it's ever really easy, which makes me wonder why I love it so much.  Sometimes, I think I'm just a glutton for punishment.  But, then, last night, as I was working on the umpteenth draft of the same scene, I had this feeling come over me - a giddy happy feeling that there was nothing else I would rather do at that moment but be frustrated with what I was doing.  In that case, flailing my arms around while I acted out the scene of my story.  (I gave up writing in coffee shops because I usually speak while I write.  I need to hear the words spoken aloud from the page, and in doing that, I end up acting out the scene.  I'd be mistaken as a crazy woman if anyone witnessed my writing system, so I prefer to do it in the privacy of my own home.)  Anyhow, I couldn't be such a glutton for punishment if what I'm doing makes me happy, right?

I ended up changing the same scene again tonight.  I know, I told myself I wouldn't do that because otherwise, I'll be working on the same scene for another six years!  But, I am pretty happy with the new changes, so I promise to move on tomorrow.

And the goal is to finish a draft of the novel this year.  No more excuses, I told myself.  I know I've been saying this for the last couple of years, and I'm just tired of repeating myself.  So, I'm going to use this blog to document my journey through this novel writing.  Keep me accountable.  Tomorrow, I'm going to write about juggling a career (with my own business) and trying to fulfill another dream (writing my novel).  With both, time is my best friend and worst enemy.  But, working with time is the only way to do both.  It's a process that is constantly changing, so, I have found that it's important to be flexible and forgiving.  Check back with you tomorrow.  I have some Glee-watching before going to bed!
 
(Here's a free writing tip: If all else fails, sing!)