on the real: on faith

The last couple of weeks had been a little rough. Sometimes life throws all of its punches all at once. Then, in the midst of it, it'll give you a few pleasant surprises. Perhaps, to give you a little lift before it pushes you down again. That's how things had been lately. A seesaw of highs and lows.

So, I welcomed the quiet of today. 

I started it with breakfast and Bible study at my brother's this morning. And it was exactly what I needed - for my soul to be fed and restored. When times are tough it's easy to remember and forget God. I remember God when I want something - a positive outcome - whatever it is that I desire at the moment, so I pray. But then I also forget God because I'm consumed in worry and anxiety. I forget to trust Him and have faith. I forget that I may not get my prayers answered right there and then, and I may not even get my prayers answered at all, but God has a plan. And His plan is better than mine. It always has been. He has shown me that time and time again. And I was reminded of that today ...

... as I ran errands and came home to clean my apartment. My apartment.

I moved into my place almost twelve years ago. This is the longest time I've ever lived in one place. But, I remember crying when I first moved here. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of six years. We were living together and when we broke up, he got the apartment and I had to go. We didn't have the easiest of relationships. It was quite tumultuous, but I remember loving him, and wishing and praying that things would get better and we'd eventually get married.

That prayer was not answered. Things did not get better. In fact, they got worst. And eventually, I broke up with him. So, I guess you can say, I deserved to be kicked out. Well, not really, but looking back, I'm glad he did that.

The weeks that followed our breakup were really, really hard. I was in my third year of law school, unemployed, the Bar exam was only a few months away, and my grandfather was dying. I had never lived alone before and I was scared. For one, I didn't have any money. I couldn't afford to get my own place, and it was a month and a half before finals. 

I remember the day after our breakup, I stayed on the couch all morning, unable to move. There were moments I couldn't even breathe. Now, honestly, I don't know if I prayed at that time. I just remember being too broken to move. But, eventually, I did. I got up from that couch and started looking for an apartment. Two weeks later, I moved out.

Now, I can't say I never looked back. But I can say, I never moved back. with. him. And that decision was a turning point in my life. A year later he told me he wanted to marry me. And honestly, I considered it. But the final answer was no. 

So, now, while things are rough, not in the same way but in its own other way, I have to remember that it will not always be like this. Life has its ups and downs. God gives us trials but nothing that we can't handle. I'm a different person than I was twelve years ago. And I was a different person then than the person I was six years before when I started dating my ex-boyfriend. I'd like to believe that I'm a better person because all of those things that I went through. And I do believe that there's a reason for everything. God has His reasons. I may not always understand them, and may never will, but I have to trust in them ...

... and remember that as long as I do my part, as long as I keep moving, things eventually fall into place. They always do.

This is my reminder:

  

My patio oasis.

My candlelit dinner.

With one of my favorite shows.

How does this represent that things fall into place? Well, for one, despite how rough things had been, and still are, I feel okay. At peace. At this place that I cried while moving into, this place that took me so long to call home, this place that I couldn't even afford ... this place reminds me that no matter how hard things seem at first, they do eventually get better. You just have to move forward. With faith.