2014 insta-moments

I've been thinking about doing a 2014 recap posts for the last couple of weeks, and after looking through my Instagram photos I decided that these photos would be the best way to express what this year has meant to me. These photos are not necessarily my favorite, or the most popular ones, and yes, they don't capture my bad moments because of course, there were many of those, too, but I believe they do encapsulate what this year has meant to me. So, here it goes, starting from top left to right:

1. Books. One of my goals this year was to read more books and that I did. In the beginning of the year, I joined a book club to keep me motivated and accountable. At the same time, I thought it would be nice to meet other women who shared my passion for a good story. In the course of ten months, I did not only read great books that I would not have picked up or known otherwise, but made new friends with some amazing women. For an introvert, joining a book club with strangers, where heated and emotional discussions will most likely take place at some point, was a big move away from my comfort zone. But it was a much needed move that opened my eyes. For one, it taught me that I'm not alone: there are many others out there that talk about book characters like they're old friends to weep and laugh with. I've had so much fun with my book club ladies and I can't wait for all the wonderful books we'll be reading in 2015.

2. Home. For a very long time, I had this love and hate relationship with L.A. (I wrote a post about it here.) I felt disconnected to the city, and as the years went by, it felt less and less like home. But again, I knew I was not going to leave. At least not for good and not any time soon. So, I thought I should once again become reacquainted with the place I grew up in. I took this photo of the fountain in downtown L.A. after taking the train to the courthouse one day in early February. I remember sitting by the fountain, watching men and women in suits engrossed in their cell phones while standing in the long line at Starbucks. It was a chilly morning, but there was a young couple in T-shirts and shorts sprawled by the fountain, taking turns posing for pictures. A few feet away from them, there was a woman in a coat and scarf with her face buried in a book. I just sat there for awhile, taking it all in. And I remember this distinct feeling of affection and gratitude came over me. Affection for this city that not only holds many memories but the people that mean the world to me. And gratitude for this place that grounds me. This place that hasn't given me any reason to leave. Since then, I've done a little more exploring of the city and I realized that sometimes, quality time is what is needed to reconnect an old, strained relationship.

3. Solitude. In late February/early March, I went to Sacramento for a seminar. While there, I visited the capitol museum and something about this room appealed to me. There was not that much traffic while I was there, and I got to enjoy the stillness, the quiet. This year, more than ever, I've appreciated my moments of solitude. The time I had to read, to write and most of all, to fix some of the messy fringes left over from some bad habits and choices. Although I was upset and worried at first when work was slow, that extra time I had did give me time to fix the things in my life that I had neglected, i.e. my finances. I know it seems paradoxical that not having enough work helped me fix my finances, but it did because I finally had the time to look at the big picture. For years I was just working like a madwoman, paying bills on a monthly basis without really looking at my total expenses and debt, and how to manage them so that I can be financially secure later in life. I've learned that although the idea of living in the moment sounds appealing, it can also have its drawbacks especially when it comes to money.

4. Priorities. This year, I spent most of my Monday afternoons with my nephew, and on one such Monday, I took him to his first trip to Ben and Jerry's. One of the things I struggled with in having my own practice was setting a disciplined schedule for myself. I usually found myself working at scattered hours 'round the clock and so, it felt like I was just working all the time. But because of those Monday afternoons with my nephew, I learned to set a schedule for work, and a time to really stop working and just pay attention to what and who was in front of me. Of course, it also helped that work was slow at times, but nonetheless, having someone depend on my time forced me to focus, and reinforced the importance of setting priorities. Mondays became my favorite day of the week because I knew that I'd see my nephew and that I'd learn something new about a book he was reading or a story he was writing. I think kids are so much smarter and wiser these days. My nephew read a birthday poem that I wrote for his dad when I was ten years old and he corrected my grammar on it. He is nine.

5. Surrendering. This photo was taken in Los Olivos on my 40th birthday. My two girlfriends took the day off to celebrate with me. We had a picnic at a winery, and then, went to Solvang for dessert. It was the first time I actually took a day off from work for my birthday, and although it took some convincing, I think I may make it a yearly tradition. I love this photo not only because of the beautiful open road, the cloud patches and that grand tree, but what I remember feeling when I look at it. Surrender. You see, the anticipation of turning 40 was long winded and stressful. I wasn't in the place in my life that I had planned to be. That I had wanted to be. And that often made me feel disappointed. But finally, I realized that I was exactly where God intended me to be. I finally surrendered to God's plans, which are much greater and smarter than my own. Doing that has taken the burden off me. All I have to do is follow. Take His guided steps to get through this amazing gift of life that I had been given.

6. Brave faith. You may be wondering how this picture can mean that. Well, it was the photo with the blog post I shared on Facebook about turning 40. (You can read it here.) Although I've shared a few blog posts on Facebook throughout the years, this was the first time I shared with people I knew without censoring myself. Writing was always personal for me, and for some reason, I was fine sharing my thoughts and heart with strangers who read my blog, but sharing with people I knew was frightening. Then, I turned 40, and it was less scary. I owe it to brave faith.

7. Risks. I'm not much of a risk taker. At least I didn't think so. I tread more on the side of caution, where I'm comfortable. Then, around spring, around the time I was struggling with facing a new decade, I found this opportunity to take a hiking trip to Zion National Park with a group of strangers. And I signed up without really thinking too much about the details. As the date of the trip neared, I started getting anxious about spending a whole weekend in a different state, at a national park, with people I didn't know at all. There were messages going back and forth about carpooling and rooming together. All I could think about was how I hated sharing rooms with people I knew, how much more with people I didn't know. I didn't like being a passenger in a car for hours, and stressed about having to make small talk with people I may not even like. But as all these thoughts went through my head, there was a stronger feeling inside of me that said I needed to go on this trip. That I was going to be okay. So, although the trip had been planned for months, I bought all my equipment and gear only two weeks before. Then, three days before the trip, I was about to cancel. Or just drive out to Utah by myself so I didn't have to sit in a car with strangers. But, of course, I didn't do either. Despite my hesitation, I carpooled with three strangers and roomed with two. And despite my fear of heights, despite cramps and over-a-hundred-degree weather, I hiked to the top of Angels Landing. (You can read my post about that experience here.) It was an experience that taught me that when you draw on faith for courage, you can accomplish the things you set out to do because you're no longer crippled by fear. And that is liberating.

8. Perspective. In September, I participated in this Sunrise/Sunset Challenge, where you simply take a picture of the sunrise and sunset from wherever you are and post it on Facebook. It was to raise money for Paul Walker's organization, ROWW (Reach Out Worldwide). So, on Friday, September 12th, I woke up early in the morning and drove to Runyon Canyon to watch the sunrise. On my way, I stopped at the Mulholland lookout point and watched the city before it woke up. I had passed by that lookout point many, many times but that was the first time I had ever stopped and stepped down to see the view for myself. What I saw was this view of the city, still and quiet, except for the lights and for the sun that was starting to come up. It felt so peaceful up there, and a sense of calmness just settled in my chest. A calmness that has remained. This year has been quite eventful, and such is life, has had its many ups and downs. But with the perspective of distance came peace with the choices I had made. And peace with the knowledge that as long as I choose good, I'll be okay.

9. Writing. This year I wrote. I wrote short stories, an essay and a novel for National Novel Writing Month. Looking back at all of that has made me realize that I was the only hindrance to my dream of writing. Now that I know I can get out of my way, I think know that I'll be writing more. I'm excited for what 2015 will bring now that I finally figured out how to include writing - consistent writing - into my life.


How was your 2014?