what do you think?

"Sometimes the questions are complicated and the answers are simple."

~ Dr. Seuss

photo: Jung W

the conversation

My friend told me about this show, and after watching all three past episodes on Sunday, I'm hooked!  (You can check out the past episodes on the site here.)  It's not your typical interview-type show.  Amanda de Cadenet really engages with each person she talks to, and they have a "conversation" rather than a Q&A-type of interview. 

But, Amanda does end each conversation with the same two questions, which I found rather interesting: (1) What is your favorite sexual position?, and (2) What would you tell your 14-year-old self?  I won't answer the former, but the latter got my friend and I thinking.

At first, I thought I wouldn't tell her anything because just like Lady Gaga said in her response to the question, I wouldn't be who I am if I didn't go through everything I went through.  So, I wouldn't want to change anything.  But, I thought about it again, and again, and again.  And well, y'know, if I had a chance to make myself a better and happier 14-year-old, I would.  So, here's what I would tell her:

* Don't be so mean to Ms. Fowler. 

(You will want to thank her one day.)

* Don't overeat, and don't starve yourself.

* Join the Drama Department, and try out for that play.

* Keep taking piano lessons. 

* Don't quit ballet.  Dance dance dance. 

* Don't go out with boys who steal cars.

* There is nothing wrong with getting good grades.

* You are creative.  Embrace it.  Practice Practice Practice.

* There is nothing wrong with being different

from your best friends and their new crowds.

* Do your best always.  Don't be afraid to succeed.

* It's okay to cry over that boy you've loved since the fifth grade.  

Don't think you don't know what love is just because adults
tell you you're too young.
You will love him for the rest of your life.

* Everything will eventually be okay.

* You will be okay.

What if we skipped the in-between?

Over dinner last night, the topic of destiny came up.  My friend is a big believer in destiny.  In fate. 

I met someone I want to see again, but don't know how.  Yet, I told my friends that I believe if he's meant to be in my life, our paths will cross again.  It's just a matter of when.

I guess, you can say, I, too, believe in destiny.  In fate.

But, it's because I've witnessed it.  Been a part of it. 

I once dated a guy who I actually met two years prior to dating him.  We met in passing, work-related, spoke for a few minutes, and in those few minutes, I knew I liked something about him.  So much that I called my best friend afterwards and told her I just experienced a "big crush" moment.  I saw him one other time, within that same week, while I was having lunch with my best friend.  Perhaps, just so I can point him out to her.  Then, nothing.  Didn't see him again.    

Fast forward two years later, a different friend (who had no idea about my crush) sets me up.  With my "big crush."

Okay, we didn't work out.  But, he changed me.  He made a permanent mark in my life.

Then, after several other examples of friends of friends who've had past missed encounters with the person they eventually ended up marrying, we talked about the person I loved (and lost) long ago, the person called by friends as Mr. Wonderful.  And I told them how after getting to know each other, Mr. Wonderful and I realized we could've met five years earlier. 

At that my friend nearly screamed, "And you could've skipped the whole awful-ex-boyfriend part!"  (Yes, maybe, I could've.)  You see, the reason I didn't go to the exchange program where I could've met Mr. Wonderful was because I had just started dating the awful ex-boyfriend, and my young self didn't want to leave her boyfriend.  "You could've skipped all of that!" my friend said again. 

And that's when we pondered about: what if we just skipped the in-between?  If two people are meant to be together anyway, what's the point of the missed encounters, the brief meetings?  If Mr. Wonderful and I were meant to end up together anyway, why couldn't we have just met five years earlier?  So, I could've missed the whole awful ex-boyfriend part!

"But that's not life," my other friend said.  "You were supposed to go through the awful ex-boyfriend part!  You were supposed to experience that."  

God has a funny sense of humor.  Because life is quite an irony.  The reason I finally broke up with the awful ex-boyfriend?  Because I met Mr. Wonderful.   

And yes, we didn't work out either.  But he changed my life, too.  In such big ways.  And because of that, the questions had to be asked: what if we had met five years earlier?  Skipped all of the in-between?  Would we have worked out?

There are no answers to those questions.  That wasn't our life.  That wasn't our story.     

But, will I see this new, mysterious guy again? 

I think so.

In the meantime, I'm going to embrace this in-between part.  At least, I don't have the awful ex-boyfriend.  At least, I can enjoy it.  And I should.  And I will.  Because this is life. 

photo: Hidehiko Sakashita

friday's quote + something to ponder on

Happy weekend, everyone!!! :)

All Roads

All Roads

There will come
a day
for all of
us
that shows us
without doubt
or room for
discussion
that
all the roads
of our
lives
have led
directly
to here.

- Tyler Knott Gregson


p.s. Tyler Knott is awesome!  Check out his site. 

Photo: Malcolm Cowe

lost weekends.

I want to do this.  Right about now.

I think I had forgotten how it was to work all weekend.  The last few weekends of playtime somehow gave me temporary amnesia, and erased the memory of weekend worktime from my brain.  Even my body refused to be in workmode. 

So, let's just say that working this weekend was quite a struggle.  Yesterday was just lovely.  The weather was perfect. Warm.  With a cool breeze.  Sunny.  Oh, just so beautiful.  So, I kept looking out my window, and thinking, I rather be out there.  Doing anything else other than reading these transcripts.  But I forced myself to stay put, allowing myself only THIS as my sense of escape. 

And a nice walk at sunset.     

I love walks around the neighborhood.  Getting to know all the houses, and the trees, and the flowers.  I think people's front lawns say a lot about them.  So, it's like getting to know my neighbors, as well. 

I've been doing a lot of walking lately.  Helps clear my mind in a different way than running did.  Although I miss running, walking gives a different type of peace.  And escape.

It was a long work week.  And a long work weekend.  Sometimes, I wonder why I decided to work on my own.  Take on all the responsibilities.  All by myself. 

But, then, being able to work by the pool on Tuesday mornings may have something to do with that.  :)

Hope you all enjoy your Sunday.  If you're in my neighborhood, it's already beautiful outside.  Go and have fun!  Drive with the windows down and feel the wind!

Photo via A Well Traveled Woman    

Serendipity

This weekend reminded me of this word.  And, of the movie.  But, it's really the word that's relevant since I didn't meet John Cusack or anyone that even closely resembles him.  But, I was struck with this word.  All weekend.

The Webster's Ninth New Collegiate Dictionary defines serendipity as: the faculty of finding valuable or agreeable things not sought for. 

I realized this weekend that I've had quite a lot of those in my life, and too often, they had been left unnoticed or unappreciated.  

But this weekend, I noticed them.  I appreciated them.  I celebrated them.  And, I even added a few to my list.

Over breakfast today, as my friend questioned why certain inexplicable things happen, I told her that after asking that same question over and over again, I finally learned to accept that I do not know and will never know what the next day will bring.  And that the things or people that make me smile today may make me cry tomorrow.  So, I decided I would simply enjoy everyday.  And what I'm finding is that life is full serendipitous moments ...

Like this ...

p.s. I was reminded of this post I wrote about three years ago ... and, I am in love again.

Photo: Nhan Ngo

what are we waiting for?

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world

the secret of his success.  'Never leave that till tomorrow,' he said, 'which

you can do today.'  This is the man who discovered electricity.  You think more

people would listen to what he had to say.  I don't know why we put things

off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear.

Fear of failure, fear of rejection.  Sometimes the fear is just of making

a decision because what if you're wrong?  What if you're making a mistake

you can't undo?  The early bird catches the worm.  A stitch in time

saves nine.  He who hesitates is lost.  We can't pretend we hadn't been

told.  We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our

grandparents warning us about wasted time.  Heard the damn poets

urging us to seize the day.  Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves.

We have to make our own mistakes.  We have to learn our own lessons.

We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until

we can't anymore.  Until we finally understand for ourselves what

Benjamin Franklin really meant.  That knowing is better than wondering,

that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure,

even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

(- Grey's Anatomy)

Yes, another Grey's Anatomy quote.  But I really, really like this one.  I've been taught this.  Time and time again.  So, I should've learned it by now.  Mastered it.  Right?  And if that's the case, then, what am I waiting for? ...

What are you?

Photo: rbsuperb 

a confession.

I'm not a Grey's Anatomy fan.  Was never one.  (I don't even know whether the series is still on.)  But many of my friends followed the show, and my cousin would sometimes text me when there was a particular scene she wanted me to see.  So, I did watch a couple of episodes.  Here and there.  And I knew the characters like McDreamy and McSteamy.  (I wasn't that out of it!) 

However, although I wasn't a fan, I did know about the narratives, and I actually loved them.  Those monologues at the beginning or the end of the show.  I came across this today, and thought I'd share since I agree with this one.  Yes, I do. 

"At the end of the day, when it comes down to it,

all we really want is to be close to somebody.

So this thing where we all keep our distance

and pretend not to care about each other, it's

usually a load of bull.  So we pick and choose

who we want to remain close to, and once

we've chosen those people, we tend to stick close

by.  No matter how much we hurt them.  The people

that are still with you at the end of the day, those

are the ones worth keeping.  And sure, sometimes

close can be too close.  But sometimes, that invasion

of personal space, it can be exactly what you need."

(- Grey's Anatomy)

photo: weheartit

know.

"Knowing what you've got, knowing what

you need, knowing what you can do

without - that's inventory control."

(- Revolutionary Road)

Probably one of the saddest movies I've seen.  But I agree that we need to know what we have, what we need, and what we can do without.  I've been practicing some kind of inventory control lately.   

photo: beth retro

some kind of mood.

I must be in some kind of mood.  I woke up at 4 a.m. today, and just could not go back to sleep.  I stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling.  At the walls.  At the empty space next to me...

And instead of watching clips of the Anthony trial, I watched clips of Felicity.  Yes, I must be in some kind of mood.

Felicity talked about a secret language between her and Ben.  A language spoken without words.  A language I know pretty well.

I am in some kind of mood.  Because doing the right thing is sometimes the hardest thing to do. 

But sometimes, we just have to let the pieces fall. 

And trust, that they will be put back together the way they are meant to be. 

I finished The Alchemist.  And out of its many lessons and messages, this one is still my favorite:

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized,

the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along

the way.  It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can,

in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've

learned as we've moved toward that dream.  That's the point

at which most people give up.  It's the point at which, as we say

in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm

trees have appeared on the horizon.' 

"Every search begins with beginner's luck.  And every search

ends with the victor's being severely tested."  

Yep, that's why I'm in some kind of mood.  

What do you want?

"You can't ask for what you want unless you know what it is.

A lot of people don't know what they want or they want much less

than they deserve.  First, you have to figure out what you want.

Second, you have to decide that you deserve it.  Third,

you have to believe you can get it.  And, fourth,

you have to have the guts to ask for it."

(-Barbara De Angelis)

photo: weheartit      

Taking Chances

I love this Glee version of this song. 

On my mind. 

What do you say to taking chances? 

the things that make us smile

I write a lot when I'm sad.  Or when I just have a lot on my mind.  It helps me sort out my thoughts.  Express the feelings I cannot articulate otherwise.  Hence, a lot of recent posts from me.  If you've noticed, as well, I have this "things that make you smile" series.  Well, it's what helps me cope and move on.  Reminds me that there are things to smile about despite whatever circumstances are breaking my heart. 

Around this time last year was really difficult for me.  My great-aunt died unexpectedly and my stepfather was dying from cancer.  After letting this blog go for some time at the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010, I started writing again around this time.  When everything around me seemed to be standing on an unsteady platform. 

Hence, my pattern.  I write.

I still believe there are many things to smile about despite the heartaches life throws at us.  I do believe that it's important to move forward, and to not allow the bad things that happened to us or the things that hurt us define who we are.  I'm a firm believer in seeking out the things that make us happy.  Remember my last post of 2010?  I said I will choose to be happy.  I still choose to be happy.  

But I'm human.  And I feel.  I read somewhere a long time ago that we should never apologize for the way we feel because that is the one truth we have.  Our feelings.  There is nothing more real and true than what we are feeling.  I mean, we can try to rationalize our thoughts.  Compose ourselves - our behavior.  We can control the way we react to our feelings, but the feelings themselves are raw.  Not carefully composed or designed or organized.  Although feelings, those things that we feel at our core, deep inside, are sometimes difficult to define or explain or even (most often) unseen by others, they are real.  They exist.  They are true.            

But again, despite what I am feeling, I choose happiness.  And I seek out the things that make me smile, like the picture above.  Because like many things in life, good or bad, this too shall pass.  So, we can cry because it hurts, but we must also remember to smile.  And to choose happiness.   

photo: Diane Hammond

the things unsaid

I made you happy.

You're stupid for pushing me to go.

photo via

feeling as of late

" I think you should learn, of course, and some days

you must learn a great deal.  But you should also have

days when you allow what is already in you

to swell up inside of you

until it touches everything."

--E.L. Konigsburg

photo via



on dating.

she said: i just want to go out with someone

who is not afraid to fall in love with me.

*photo via

so what next?

*photo via

he said: i think you're amazing.

and geez, i think he's awesome.

 p.s. talk about messages.  about decisions?  (remember?)  well, i just came across this: "If you spend too long holding on to the one who treats you like an option, you will miss finding someone who treats you like a priority."  (- via betterthanfine via inspirationalrealwizkhallifa) 

i think i'm ready.  to make that decision.

a message about decisions

Today, my brother talked about how not making a decision is really a decision.  A decision not to make a decision.  A decision to accept the status quo. 

Several hours later, I turned the television on to an episode of Sex and the City.  It was the episode after Carrie cheated on Aidan with Big.  Carrie also talked about choices.  About decisions.  And how sometimes we don't want to decide because it means letting go of the other option.  We're afraid to make a decision because what if we make the wrong one? 

I think that's the unspoken fear of the "non-commitals" or the "commitment-phobics."  What if we decide wrong?  What if we choose one and he (or she) ends up being horrible to us and we have an unhappily-ever-after?  At least if we didn't choose, we can't blame ourselves?  Right?  

Wrong.  As my brother said, not making a decision is a decision.  The decision to accept things as they are.  But that is actually the wrong decision.  Unless, of course, we are happy with the way things are.  But if we were (or are), then, it wouldn't even need to be a decision.  Right?

My brother gave this quote from someone by the name Larson (sorry but I'll try to get the full name from him later) as the source of his statement: "A sincere though faulty decision is better than no decision.  Indeed the latter is really a decision, and often a wrong one.  It is a decision that the status quo is acceptable.  In most decisions the root problem is not so much in knowing what to do as in being prepared to live with the consequences."  

Seven years ago, I made a decision that I wasn't prepared to make at that time.  In hindsight, I made the right decision.  And in further hindsight, I just wasn't prepared at that time to live with the consequences.  I'm sorta wondering if I'm ready now to make another such decision. 

I think I'm getting there.  I definitely hope so.  

Wish me luck! :) 

*photo via

giving thanks and why i read tyler knott in the morning.

*photo by Sally Van Natta

My Internet at home is still down so I probably won't be able to post anything on Thanksgiving Day.*  And since I'm not planning on going into the office tomorrow, I thought I'd take the time to write my Thanksgiving entry today.  {smile} 

Anyhow, I LOVE Thanksgiving.  It's my favorite holiday.  I love what it represents and the reminder to just give thanks.  Sometimes, in the busyness of everyday life, it's easy to forget what the whole point of all this is about.  Y'know, life?  What does it mean to you?  What makes you happy?  What fills your heart with joy?  What brings a smile to your face?

Every year for Thanksgiving, my family and I gather around a circle, and each of us reflects on the past year, and we share what it is that we're grateful for.

This year has been very rough for my family ... with illnesses, deaths and ... well, I think those two are enough sorrow to last for awhile.  Yet, despite all the loss and sadness this year, I can't help but still be thankful.  And I know that this year, we'll still keep the tradition because there are many things to be thankful for.

I thank God everyday for a new day.  I'm thankful for all the love that surrounds me.  The love that I witness on a daily basis.  I've mentioned before how I start my day by reading blogs.  My favorite is Tyler's page.  I'm thankful for his words.  This is why:

"It's when the snow falls that you can hear the sound of the whole entire universe.  It's when the smallest things move us in the biggest ways.  When your breath can be stolen by something that may go completely unnoticed to every one else.  There, in the moments between moments, the distance from snowflake to earth, is the reason why we're here.  It's up to us to choose to fill those moments, that distance, with positivity and love, not negativity and hate.  There is so much cynicism and pessimism in the world, why on earth would we add to it?" (Tyler Knott - Posted Nov. 24, 2010.)

          

I agree.  There is so much cynicism and pessimism in this world.  I should add that there's so much sorrow and tragedy in this world.  And that's why on this page, in this blog, I try to leave all of that behind.  Because I do believe that despite all the ugliness and bad things there are out there, there is so much more goodness and beauty ... and those are the things worth seeing.   

So, this year, I want to celebrate all the good and beautiful things in my life.  Because when times are bad, those are the things that I want to remember.  Those are the things that get me through the day.  It is those things that I choose to see.  It is those things that I choose to fill the "moments between moments."  So, here's to all that I am thankful for:

*my family's silent togetherness. jordan's laugh, and watching him sing praise. lourdes's cheery good morning every time i walk through the door of coffee bean, and her ability to always remember just how i like my latte. my grandma. my colleague and mentor who believes in me, encourages me, and pushes me - always. my mom's strength. my dad's thoughtfulness. my stepdad. for who he was. and always will be to us. my stepmom. and her humble reinforcement. my brothers' courage to be who they are, and to stand up for what they believe in. my sister-in-law's patience and endurance to sit through hours listening and talking to me. i love our talk-marathons. cassie's hugs. and laugh. and her "i love you" post-it notes. my sister. because she's beautiful and loving in her quiet ways. forgiveness. and the opportunity to say "i'm sorry" after many, many years. reuniting with old friends. finally getting the answers. missy's "i'm tired of it and get over it" speech. emily giffin's books. listening to my sunday school boys' prayers. dry -  woke me up. the beautiful, constant but always-changing sky. my readers. old, life-long friends. A's texts - and their perfect timing.  his psychic ability to know when i need a smile or just need to know that someone thought of me. susan's ability to always know just when i need her. wednesday. this blog. my writing group.  the boys and their unfailing ability to be there when i need something, and how they always let me know they care.  my aunt and her tireless support.  my cousins' hugs at my time of much-needed comfort.  and so much more ...*     

Geez, I could've gone on and on.  And that feels wonderful.  Makes me realize even more how beautiful life is.  And how lucky I am.  So, this Thanksgiving, I hope you have the opportunity to reflect and recognize the beauty in your life.  Remember that it's the little things that fill this world, and it's the moments between moments that make it beautiful.                                 

Happy Thanksgiving!  I'm thankful to all of you for reading ... and for being my daily inspiration to continue writing. 

*I'm actually beginning to like this no-Internet-at-home thing, so I'm going to ride it out as long as possible.
*photo of girl and snow by silent sequoias