on working out (and life) + another great discovery in my neighborhood

I had a long day.  But, I went to Cardio Barre nonetheless!  It's my current obsession.  Pushes my body (and mind) to limits I thought I couldn't reach, and that feels empowering.  Not to mention, it reminds me of days of ballet practice (long, long ago!), and that is just priceless.

I can't believe February is almost over.  But, thank God for an extra day.  Yay for Leap Year!

A lot happened this month.  Another Secret Stairs Walk accomplished.  Another hidden treasure discovered right in my backyard.

Beachwood Canyon Walk: 2.6 miles, 861 steps.

Life is moving.  And it feels good.  The lesson is that no matter how much your heart is breaking, you have to keep moving.  And eventually, the hurt will subside.  Or, at the very least, it won't be too paralyzing.  Then, maybe in time, what was breaking your heart won't matter anymore.  It won't hurt anymore. 

But in the meantime, keep moving.  Never stop moving.   

       

Some things remain the same ...

... like my love for daisies.

I think they're beautiful.

Simple.  Lovely.

Yesterday was awesome!

I felt pampered and spoiled.

Relaxed.  Very relaxed.

I-just-want-to-nap-kinda-relaxed.

So, when I got home last night,

I decided to turn off my phone,

and just read.

No, I didn't work. 

I read through old emails between my cousin and I.

She lives in a different country, so we write.

A lot.  And so, I read emails from 2006.

I was being nostalgic. 

Like I said, birthdays do that to me.

And wow!  I was surprised how things have changed.

I have changed.  A lot.

I'm happy.

I guess, what hit me most was how my heart wasn't

broken anymore.  As I read words I wrote about

someone I loved and lost, I didn't feel anything.

Not longing, not missing, nothing.

And it wasn't the I-don't-want-to-feel-anything-for-him feeling.

I really felt nothing.  Not a pinch in my heart.

I didn't become overwhelmed with nostalgia about him and us anymore.

There was no reflecting.  Nothing.  The words I read

about love, loss and regrets became just words.

And, I really don't know when all of the feelings stopped.

But they did.

Over dessert, my dear, best friend said to me,

I think all of the broken hearts and disappointments

were meant to prepare you for something greater.

I've seen you love and give it your all.

You will do that again.

And the thing I realized last night,

is that things do change.  We change.

But in the midst of change, some things remain the same.

The people I laughed and cried with five years ago,

ten years ago, even twenty years ago,

are still the same people I laugh and cry with now.

And I know that we'll continue to laugh and cry together

until we can no longer stand straight.

Some things remain the same. 

No matter how life has changed us.

And as much I welcome and embrace change,

I also embrace those things that remain the same.

I also know now, that our ability to love

never dies.  It may go in hiding for awhile.

But it'll always be there.

Because broken hearts have the ability to heal.

Our hearts do get restored.

Put back to pieces.

And we can love again.

Today, I celebrate new beginnings.

And an amazing year ahead.

Photo: Kiwi GaL

bouncing back.

Yummy!  Yummmmmyyy!!!

I know I've been quite a downer lately.  Sorry.  Not only have I been privy to the recent heartaches and disappointments of friends, but I've been going through my own disappointments.  And those heartbreaks can be a bummer.  A mood killer.  Just plain ol' sucky.  What better way to put it?

But I'm bounc-ing back.  Because I know that there's a reason for everything, and really, all things turn out for the best.  I believe that.  And as sucky as I've been feeling lately, there are still many things that make me smile ... like the yummy french toast and berries and bananas.  (Note: I tried to imitate the photo above, and although mine didn't turn out as pretty, it was quite yummy.  I just decided to post its inspiration because, like I said, it looks much more appetizing.)

And this post from positively present really made me smile today because I am one of those people that do believe in the science (or art) of being positive.

I also had a good run.  And a good cry.  But crying is good.  It cleanses the soul.  I also had a good ten minute meditation.  Reminded me to be centered, grounded and present: things happen for a reason.  Even though I don't understand it now.  This is good.   
 
And of course, yummmy, fruity, french toast.  Love it! :)    

So, things are not that bad.  Sometimes, it's just a matter of perspective.  Or sometimes, we do need a little jolt, a little push, to get back on track.  And sometimes, we just need to experience the bad to better appreciate the good. 

photo: Yusri Yusof

the things that make us smile

I write a lot when I'm sad.  Or when I just have a lot on my mind.  It helps me sort out my thoughts.  Express the feelings I cannot articulate otherwise.  Hence, a lot of recent posts from me.  If you've noticed, as well, I have this "things that make you smile" series.  Well, it's what helps me cope and move on.  Reminds me that there are things to smile about despite whatever circumstances are breaking my heart. 

Around this time last year was really difficult for me.  My great-aunt died unexpectedly and my stepfather was dying from cancer.  After letting this blog go for some time at the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010, I started writing again around this time.  When everything around me seemed to be standing on an unsteady platform. 

Hence, my pattern.  I write.

I still believe there are many things to smile about despite the heartaches life throws at us.  I do believe that it's important to move forward, and to not allow the bad things that happened to us or the things that hurt us define who we are.  I'm a firm believer in seeking out the things that make us happy.  Remember my last post of 2010?  I said I will choose to be happy.  I still choose to be happy.  

But I'm human.  And I feel.  I read somewhere a long time ago that we should never apologize for the way we feel because that is the one truth we have.  Our feelings.  There is nothing more real and true than what we are feeling.  I mean, we can try to rationalize our thoughts.  Compose ourselves - our behavior.  We can control the way we react to our feelings, but the feelings themselves are raw.  Not carefully composed or designed or organized.  Although feelings, those things that we feel at our core, deep inside, are sometimes difficult to define or explain or even (most often) unseen by others, they are real.  They exist.  They are true.            

But again, despite what I am feeling, I choose happiness.  And I seek out the things that make me smile, like the picture above.  Because like many things in life, good or bad, this too shall pass.  So, we can cry because it hurts, but we must also remember to smile.  And to choose happiness.   

photo: Diane Hammond

the message continues

*photo by HeyThereItsCassie

A couple of months ago, I posted a blog about "the message." It was after I met up with an old friend who I had not seen or spoken to in three years.

Well, today, I had breakfast with an old friend who I haven't seen or spoken to in five years. 

I believe there is something about reacquainting and catching up with old friends that puts life in perspective.  Reminds us of who we were and makes us realize how far we've come.  How much we've changed.  And yet, how much we've stayed the same.

I was a different person five years ago.  But at the same time, I haven't changed.  The same goes for my friend.  So, as we talked about that, I remembered a conversation I had with my former secretary. 

A couple of months ago, she came into my office to give me her two-weeks notice.  I said, okay, and thought that was the end of our conversation.  I was wrong.  She sat there looking at me, as if waiting for me to ask her why.  It looked like she wanted to talk.  Since I was in the middle of writing a brief, I didn't really feel like talking.  But she didn't move.  So, finally, I asked her why.  And she broke down.  She told me what I had suspected in the last couple of months - the reasons she had been so distracted and unable to work.

Life after college isn't what she imagined it to be.  It's been a difficult adjustment.  Paying rent and making ends meet has been tough.  Moving to a new city has made it even tougher.  She doesn't know whether she still wants to go to grad school.  She feels lost.  Thinks maybe she should move back home with her parents for awhile.  And (the biggest reason) this guy ... 

After she told me about the heartache, disappointment, confusion, and more heartache, she asked: How do you do it?

I realized at that moment that she had no idea.  So, I told her this:  I was exactly where you are ten years ago.  I even cried in my boss's office, too, when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up.  At that time, I thought I was going to die and the world was going to end.  He listened.  I didn't die.  The world didn't end.  Actually, after all of that, my ex and I got back together.  But, three years later, we broke up again.  That time, I didn't think I was going to die.  I didn't think the world was going to end.  But I did feel that I didn't want to move from my couch ever again.  I just wanted to stay on that couch until that nauseating feeling from the fusion of loss, disappointment, heartbreak and broken dreams was gone.  But I also knew I couldn't wait for that.  I needed to finish law school.  I needed to pass the bar exam.  So, I got up from the couch.  Hard as it was. 

And what I realized is this: with each broken heart, we learn.  Life goes on.  We grow.  Now, I know, that heartache won't kill me.  Even when it feels like it.  And I know that staying on my couch won't change the circumstances.  No matter how comfortable and inviting it is. Will the nauseating feeling still be there?  Yes.  But, find different ways of moving on, or at least getting through the day, until the things you do don't feel like just "ways" anymore.  And remember that mistakes, heartaches and disappointments happen.  Don't let them define you.  Don't let them decide what you do with your life. 

Then, she asked, do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Yes.  I do.

Even this happened for a reason.              

five words.

When your heart is breaking and it hurts to breathe,

remember these five words:

everything happens for a reason.

*photo by soup & sunday 

i love this!

"'And love is always complicated. But still humans must

try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts

broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart.

It means we have tried for something.'

"I said, 'My heart was broken so badly last time that it still hurts.

Isn't that crazy? To still have a broken heart almost two years

after a love story ends?'

"'Darling, I'm southern Brazilian. I can keep a broken heart going

for ten years over a woman I never even kissed.'"

(from of course - EAT PRAY LOVE by the lovely Elizabeth Gilbert)

Oh, I just love love it ~ a broken heart being a good sign!

... it is.

*photo by via

a million pieces and one

When we're in the midst of heartbreak, y'know, the kind that engulfs us and makes our hearts feel heavy and constricted ... Yes, the kind that makes us feel nauseated and light-headed, too, because the emotions have traveled to our brains, as well, and it had begun to pound on our heads with the same intensity as when it stomped on our hearts.

Anyhow, when we're in the midst of all of that, the end (of our heartache) seem to be nowhere in sight. It feels as if the pain will just swallow us in, and we'll have to live in its confines forever. It's an understatement to say that such heartbreak is horrible. And hopeless.

If you've never felt that way, I hope you never do. But if you have, you know that the pain eventually subsides. In time. And if you don't know that, well, it will.

And this message is for you.

In my experience, those soul-ripping heartbreaks transformed into the best parts of me and who I have become.

Heartbreaks can give us an opportunity to change our lives.

To change who we are.

To recreate ourselves.

To strive for more.

For better.

So that we can become the best new version of ourselves.

And we'll find that once the heartache has passed, those million pieces eventually become whole again.

One.

You.