You have to believe.

This is what I tell myself whenever I hear the LOUD doubts and disbeliefs that follow

whenever I gush about being a published writer one day:

"You have to believe.

Otherwise, it will never happen."

Neil Gaiman, Stardust



photo via Becca

wish list + things that made me smile

I had a rough week.  But, in some ways, it was good.  Forced me to stop, listen, and think.  Re-evaluate things.  And I learned a lot about myself.  My ability to bounce back.  My ability to smile despite the things I've been through and the things I've seen.  My ability to hold on to hope.  And faith.  No matter what.

And because of everything I've been through, I'm a firm believer that every new day is an opportunity to change our lives.  Sometimes, it just takes awhile.  But every step we take is one step closer to where we want to be.  And even if where we want to be changes, that's okay.  Life is about change.  Every day is a different day. 

Anyhow, thought I'd start this new series on my blog called the "wish list."  Every Sunday, I'd post something new.  For inspiration.  I need visual inspiration.  So, here's my first set of the wish list:

wish list: 

the outfit

via prepfection

the ring

via ijeOma

travels

via pretty rosetta

vacation home

via nantucketyouth

+ the things that made me smile:

Background: I have young parents.  Well, they got married young.  Had kids young.  Got divorced young.  So, it was hard.  I feel as if we all had to grow up together.  For a long time, I felt as if I didn't have parents.  At least, the parents I imagined parents to be.  But this week, my parents became mom and dad: the two people I could count on to be there for me and to love me no matter what. 

My dad sent me this text last night: I don't want you to move away from me because that would break my heart. 

And today, my mom whispered to me: Don't worry.  It'll be okay. 

Those were enough to make me smile.  Those were enough to re-assure me that things will be okay.

no words can describe

Someone once said to me that one day, I'll meet someone I never want to be without.  Someone I don't want to imagine life without.

I didn't believe him.

Because although I have felt unspeakable heartbreak quite a few times, and have cried seemingly endless tears for a few someones, I have always imagined life without.  I could be without.  Even if it hurts.  like.  crazy. 

Maybe it's a product of my parents' divorce.  I developed this natural inclination to foresee and imagine the end of things.  The end of relationships.  I brace and prepare myself for them.

But, something happened. 

Something no words can describe.

A feeling.

I don't want to be without.  I can't imagine without.

It's funny how things happen because at that same moment, the moment that feeling swept through me, I realized what had been missing.  Why I didn't fight for my relationship with L.

And why I keep fighting this unfamiliar feeling that has taken over me.

My grandma always told me that I think a lot.  Rationalize things so much so that it could make sense to me, and the rest of the world.  So that it could be easily defined.  And argued.  My grandfather used to always ask me - how would you be able to prove that in a court of law? 

But love is not like that, my grandma said.  Most of the time Sometimes, it doesn't make sense.  Even to you.  Especially to you.  If I tried to make a case of why I was with your grandfather, I'd lose.  I had a thousand reasons to leave him, but I stayed because of one.  I love him.  And I couldn't imagine life without him.  (My grandfather passed away over eight years ago, and my grandma still can't imagine life without him.) 

Your heart knows, she always said.  But your mind gets in the way.  However, if two people love each other, and are meant to be together, they will be.  The heart always wins. 

She always believed in that.  Have faith, she said.  Trust your heart.  Believe. 


p.s. I can't stop listening to this song from Ryan Adams' latest album.  Click here to listen.  (Thank you, Mr. Knott, for posting!)

Photo: Bella

All Roads

All Roads

There will come
a day
for all of
us
that shows us
without doubt
or room for
discussion
that
all the roads
of our
lives
have led
directly
to here.

- Tyler Knott Gregson


p.s. Tyler Knott is awesome!  Check out his site. 

Photo: Malcolm Cowe

On being in love. Again.

Last weekend, my girlfriends and I took a roadtrip.  To Vegas.

It was supposed to be a wild-and-oh-so-silly-crazy-bachelorette-weekend.

But we were as tamed as Catholic school girls can be on a field trip with chaperoning nuns.

(meaning: we tried to act wild, but just couldn't do it.)

(We were silly though.  And well, crazy is arbitrary.)

Nonetheless, we had loads of FUN!

I believe girl time is always needed.

We didn't talk about work,

which was surprising, but oh-what-a-relief!

We hardly talked about men,

which was also surprising, but oh-so-refreshing, too!

I just have so many favorite moments from the weekend,

but what I really, really loved - was the drive to Vegas.

It was just me and my very-good-friend-twice-roommate.

It has been over a decade since she and I had taken a roadtrip

together.  But as we talked about life as it is,

and reminisced about life as it was,

I remembered why we were good friends.

(Have been since the tenth grade.)

Complete opposites. 

And thus, life definitely took us on different paths.

But we got each other then.  And we still get each other now.

And even when we don't, we listen to each other.

And I found, that's what matters.

The thing about being around old friends,

we are reminded about the old us.

And reminders of the old us

are the best measure of growth.

By the end of the weekend, I realized

that I really am in love.  Again.

This time with life.  As it is.

And being in love with life

is being in love with everyone and everything in it.

I'm in love with my nephew's voice,

and his laugh and his silly ideas.

I'm in love with the way

my brother always texts me in the middle

of the day with his quirky jokes.

(Father and son are more alike than they realize.)

I'm in love with the way my mom

loves life no matter how hard it has been for her.

I'm in love with the fact that I can work from

anywhere (Internet is the best!),

(but I still try to make it into the office earlier than everyone else).

I'm in love with ice cream at 3pm.

I'm in love with the way my friends and I can

smile (or smirk or frown) at each other and know exactly

what we are thinking.

I'm in love with text kisses and hugs and <3s

that bring a big smile to my face (and tingle to my heart)

anywhere I may be or whatever I may be doing.

I'm in love with the way the wind feels against my face,

the way coffee tastes in the morning, and the fact

that Criminal Minds comforts me and keeps me company.

Life is funny, I told my friend.

Everyday, every moment can bring new surprises.

"Our lives can change with every breath we take."

(By the way, that's from a movie - Where the Heart Is.)

But, I believe it.

So, I told her, your life can change, too.

My life certainly did.

You've seen that.

You knew me then.

Who would have ever guessed I'd be in love with life?

p.s. I'm in love with the peanut butter malted milkshake depicted above.  Yum!

Photo: food+words

life is good ... especially with ice cream

Sleep has been an unfamiliar concept to me lately.

Trying to juggle work, babysitting, work, basketball games,

work, birthday celebrations, work, friends, work, family, work, yoga,

and work work work,

there has not been much time for good ol' sleep.

But I feel good.

And I have found that good ol' water

is a great and reliable companion

to get me through the night ... and day.

But, recently, a client told me I should take a vacation.

I asked whether I looked that tired.

He said, not at all, but you should take one.

You deserve a break.

(Aww ...)

But I do take breaks.

Yesterday evening, I went out with a few old

colleagues, old friends, and had bad-for-us appetizers.

And that delicious Kona Coffee Ice Cream Sundae

(pictured above).

It was heavenly!

My friend then asked me if I could rate my stress level

from 1 to 10, 10 being the highest, what would it be?

I said three.

Really, he asked?

How could that be?

Easy. 

There are many things that should stress me out.

And initially, when they come up (which is often), they do.

But I don't let it last long.

I allow myself a few minutes (sometimes, seconds) to hyperventilate,

to fume, tense up, get angry, resentful, feel sorry for myself,

then, I brush it all off.

Thus, needless to say, I also work really hard 

at not allowing anything to bother

me for too long.

Then, I told him, I feel good.

A year older.

And happier.

And that I have no desire to be 20 again.

No desire to be 25.

No desire to even be 30 again.

I love where I'm at.

And that's an awesome feeling.

p.s. For those who don't know me, it took a long, looooooonng time to get here.  This place of peace with myself.  With life.  But with hard work, it does happen.  I believe that.  So, don't give up. 

Some things remain the same ...

... like my love for daisies.

I think they're beautiful.

Simple.  Lovely.

Yesterday was awesome!

I felt pampered and spoiled.

Relaxed.  Very relaxed.

I-just-want-to-nap-kinda-relaxed.

So, when I got home last night,

I decided to turn off my phone,

and just read.

No, I didn't work. 

I read through old emails between my cousin and I.

She lives in a different country, so we write.

A lot.  And so, I read emails from 2006.

I was being nostalgic. 

Like I said, birthdays do that to me.

And wow!  I was surprised how things have changed.

I have changed.  A lot.

I'm happy.

I guess, what hit me most was how my heart wasn't

broken anymore.  As I read words I wrote about

someone I loved and lost, I didn't feel anything.

Not longing, not missing, nothing.

And it wasn't the I-don't-want-to-feel-anything-for-him feeling.

I really felt nothing.  Not a pinch in my heart.

I didn't become overwhelmed with nostalgia about him and us anymore.

There was no reflecting.  Nothing.  The words I read

about love, loss and regrets became just words.

And, I really don't know when all of the feelings stopped.

But they did.

Over dessert, my dear, best friend said to me,

I think all of the broken hearts and disappointments

were meant to prepare you for something greater.

I've seen you love and give it your all.

You will do that again.

And the thing I realized last night,

is that things do change.  We change.

But in the midst of change, some things remain the same.

The people I laughed and cried with five years ago,

ten years ago, even twenty years ago,

are still the same people I laugh and cry with now.

And I know that we'll continue to laugh and cry together

until we can no longer stand straight.

Some things remain the same. 

No matter how life has changed us.

And as much I welcome and embrace change,

I also embrace those things that remain the same.

I also know now, that our ability to love

never dies.  It may go in hiding for awhile.

But it'll always be there.

Because broken hearts have the ability to heal.

Our hearts do get restored.

Put back to pieces.

And we can love again.

Today, I celebrate new beginnings.

And an amazing year ahead.

Photo: Kiwi GaL

your heart.

"Follow your heart, but be quiet

for a while first.  Ask questions,

then feel the answer.  Learn to

trust your heart."

(Author Unknown - via)

photo: weheartit

balloons and a whole lotta love

I said it was going to be a balloons kinda month.  Well, now I say, let's make it a balloons and a whole lotta love kind of month.  I read my post from last year, and you know, funny because I said I was going to make this month (last year) a month of challenges.  (Hmmm ... Didn't I just say I disliked this month because that's what it always gave me?)  Well, I guess, that's where it hasn't failed me.  Because I got that.  It was a month of challenges. 

But I also said I was going to make it a month of daring to become everything I dreamt of.  A month of resolutions.  I think I did that, too.  And I remember, that month, I also dared to approach everything with love.  To believe in love.  I think that's what got me through that month.  Last year.  I believed in love.  As I watched my stepdad slip further and further in his illness, his life slipping away, as my heart was being ripped out of me, and as I watched my family heartbroken and beaten, I felt more love than I ever did.  We were together.  And we held each other up through it all.  No words needed to be said.  We loved.  A lot.   

And that's something I will always be grateful for.  The love I have around me.  My wonderful friends.  My loving family.  We've all been through a lot of rainstorms together.  We've been through trials that would tear some relationships apart.  But, we stay.  We love.  No matter how difficult it is sometimes.

So, in celebration of all of that, I'm making this a month of love (and balloons!).  A month of recognizing love.  All around me.

For starters, I love my brothers!  I have the best brothers.   

photo: Caiti Borruso

you know best.

drown out the noise of the past storms,

and the voices of the well-intentioned.

you know your heart.

you know what it felt.

what it saw.

what it heard.

you know your heart.

when it touched his.

photo: Grace Kathryn

true love.

"You must understand that love never keeps a man from

pursuing his destiny.  If he abandons that pursuit,

it's because it wasn't true love ..."

(The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho)

I do believe in letting go.  My grandma always tells me that if two people are meant to be, they will be.  No matter the distance.  No matter the time.  So, don't be afraid to let go.   

And I've always heeded that.  

But it's definitely hard when we find that it wasn't true love.  That the person we let go never returned, and instead fell into the arms of another.  But again, if that's the case, then it wasn't meant to be.  Right?  

So, I still believe in letting go.  Like what the alchemist told the boy:

"Don't think about what you've left behind."

...

"If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil.

And one can always come back.  If what you had found was

only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you

would find nothing on your return."

The man was speaking the language of alchemy.

But the boy knew that he was referring to Fatima.

(The Alchemist)     

photo: weheartit

Today.

"I found that every single successful person I've ever spoken to

had a turning point and the turning point was where

they made a clear, specific, unequivocal decision that they

were not going to live like this anymore.  Some people make

that decision at 15 and some people make it at 50 and

most never make it at all."

- Brian Tracy (via thresca)

But for those who haven't made it yet, it's not too late.  As long as you're still breathing, you still have the opportunity to make that decision - of how you want to live your life.  You can make that decision every single day because our lives can change with every breath we take. 

photo: Molly Lichten

let's make it all about attitude!

it's going to be a beautiful, fun-tabulous day!

why?  because it can be.

because you'll make it be.

with all your might.

and because today is my stepmom's birthday,

and i feel so lucky to have two beautiful, amazing mommies!

and because i'm going to see my old friend

(for the first time in three years!)

and his new adorable daughter.

because it took only forty-five

(yes, that's four-five)

minutes to get to work today.

because i actually took gretchen's advice

about singing in the morning, and yep, it works!

because i love this all-star converse photo

with the rainbow bright furry socks!

(how i wish i can wear rainbow bright furry socks everyday.)

and because today i believe (ever more so) that anything is possible.

and although i'm missing a friend who seems

so far away right now, i believe that he'll be home soon.

i pray that he will be.

now, start your lovely, splendiferous day!

*photo by Jennifer Rachelle

trust.

*photo via

today is the day. this is the moment.

"If you're feeling frightened about what comes next, don't be.

Embrace the uncertainty.  Allow it to lead you places.

Be brave as it challenges you to exercise both your heart

and your mind as you create your own path towards

happiness, don't waste time with regret.  Spin wildly

into your next action.  Enjoy the present, each moment,

as it comes, because you'll never get one quite like it.

And if you should ever look up and find yourself lost,

simply take a breath and start over.  Retrace your steps

and go back to the purest place in your heart ...

where your hope lives.  You'll find your way again."

(-- Better Than Fine)                       

*photo via littlefernista

the truth.

"In certain situations, you can't worry about how people will react.

You just have to be as honest as you can and

let what happens afterward happen."

- Love Walked In by Marisa de los Santos

*photo by Cheyenne-Blue

"mana from heaven."

Once upon a time, I danced.  And I had a scary and stern dance instructor, who hardly smiled but loved to yell.  She had this trademark yell.  It went something like this: "What are you waiting for?  Mana from heaven?" 

At the time, I wasn't quite sure exactly what she meant.  But I knew that when she yelled those questions, I needed to dance better.  Perform better.  I interpreted her words to mean "show up," "dance," "show them what you've got."  So, I knew that I needed to complete perfect pirouettes ("no spaghetti arms") across the room.  I needed to stand on my toes longer, higher and then, be able to bend my knees with graceful control to do a demi plié, and then a grand plié.  Over and over again.  Exhaustion was not an excuse.  If I wanted to dance.  I should dance.  If I I was there to dance, then by gosh, dance!  No excuses.  Participate.  Perform.  Don't just show up.  And wait around for the dance to begin or just happen.  I was to create the dance.  Be the dance.          

Anyhow, I've been thinking a lot about Mrs. C, and those questions she repeated over and over again during each dance class.  Because you see, sometimes, I still have that bad habit.  Of waiting.  For things to just happen.  But, recently I was reminded (not only by memories of Mrs. C) that we shouldn't just let things happen.  If we want something, we make it happen.    

Life is more than just showing up.  And being there.

Life is an adventure.  Full of risks and possible failures.  But also full of joy and possible victories.  So, why not be part of it?  Participate in it.  Live.           

*photo by instantflowers

believe in possible.

So go out there and get it!

Make it happen.

*image originally uploaded by chelseanico via kindovermatter

remember this feeling.

Seven years ago today, I was in Amsterdam.

I'm not quite sure why that thought came to me today.

But in the midst of reading another transcript,

Amsterdam came to my mind.

And then I felt that warmth in my heart that always

follows when I remember Amsterdam.

It was there that I realized everything

was going to be okay.

It was there that

I chose me.

And I knew I was never going to settle.  Again.

Amsterdam.

*photo

You.

i believe in just knowing.

*photo