someone like you

The movie.  Not the song. 

I decided to take the afternoon off.  Was still tired from a very busy weekend.  So, I watched t.v., and I caught the end of Someone Like You.  If you've never seen the movie and do want to watch it, don't read this post because of course, I'm going to give away the ending. 

The ending where Ashley Judd's character (Jane) realized that she was in love with Hugh Jackman's character (Eddie).  You see, throughout the movie, Jane was in love with Ray (played by Greg Kinnear), but Ray was a selfish, self-centered, cheating a-hole.  Eddie, on the other hand, was the good-looking single guy who slept with different women, but was the honest friend.  The honest bachelor as my friends and I called the type.  The guy who dates around but is honest about it.  Everyone knows that he's dating around, including the women he goes out with.  He's really the commitment-type of guy even though it doesn't seem like it but it's only because he chooses who he commits to.  The thing about the Eddies, they don't pretend.  The Ray-type-of-man, on the other hand, pretends he can commit, pretends he's the relationship guy, sweet and showering with charm and promises but he can't commit to anyone at all because he's too consumed with himself.  Well, Jane had the unfortunate experience of falling for the charming Ray, over and over again.  He charmed her until he got her, and would string her along for awhile, then drop her again.  Familiar story?  Such relationships can go on for years.  But like such movies with happy endings, Jane realized that she was in love with Eddie, and ran (literally) after him.  Of course, he ended up loving her, too, and happily ever after.  Real life is not such, unfortunately.  But nonetheless, the movie made me think of the Rays and Eddies.  A particular Ray and Eddie in my life.

"Ray" being the cheating high school boyfriend, and "Eddie" the guy I met in my senior year of high school.  I'll call him Josh since he looked like Josh Hartnett.  Josh and I became instant friends, and since he lived a couple of blocks from me, we carpooled to school.  I would pick him and his brother up, and then, he and I would spend the next thirty minutes or so talking in the parking lot, which made both of us late for first period almost everyday.  He much later than me because he'd walk me to class at one end of the school while his was on the other end.

We spent a lot of time together during the fall semester - talking before school, between classes, and after school.  We talked a lot about everything.  Then, Christmas break came and Josh gave me a Christmas gift, which made the cheating boyfriend upset.  We fought and fought, and he blamed Josh for his infidelities.  And I believed him.  I thought it was my fault the cheating boyfriend was cheating. 

Yeah.  (I'm still shaking my head at that one.) 

So, I vowed not to spend so much time with Josh.  But cheating boyfriend wasn't satisfied.  He didn't want me picking Josh up or taking him home anymore.  I didn't have the heart to tell Josh.  So, one morning, I just didn't show up.  I avoided him at school.  We didn't have any classes together, so it was easy to avoid him.  When I saw him in the halls, I'd walk the other way. 

Damn, I was a coward.

Finally, a few weeks before graduation, Josh caught me in the hallway and refused to let me pass him.  He asked what happened.  "I just didn't feel like picking you up anymore," I said pretty coldly. 

"That's not what I meant," he said.  "Was it the Christmas gift?"

"No," I said.  But I couldn't look at him. 

"I mean, I just wanted to give you something.  I didn't want it to turn you off or push you away."

"It's not that," I said, but I still couldn't tell him the truth.

Then, he asked, "Ok, then, what happened with us?"

"Look, I just didn't want to pick you up anymore.  I have too many things going on, and I have to go."  At that, I walked away. 

I felt him staring at my back until I turned at the end of the hall, and saw a glimpse of him still standing where I left him.  I wanted to turn around and run back to him, tell him I made a mistake, and that I was so very sorry for being stupid and choosing the cheating boyfriend.  But, unlike Jane, I didn't do that.

I stayed with the cheating boyfriend.  Josh and I graduated, and never spoke again.

I look for him every now and then.  Wonder how he's doing.   

My best friend just sent me this text (a few seconds ago), which is probably a good way to end this post.  She wrote, "Oprah's aha moment: choose love instead of fear."  My best friend is a big Oprah fan.

She's right, though.

wish list + things that made me smile

I had a rough week.  But, in some ways, it was good.  Forced me to stop, listen, and think.  Re-evaluate things.  And I learned a lot about myself.  My ability to bounce back.  My ability to smile despite the things I've been through and the things I've seen.  My ability to hold on to hope.  And faith.  No matter what.

And because of everything I've been through, I'm a firm believer that every new day is an opportunity to change our lives.  Sometimes, it just takes awhile.  But every step we take is one step closer to where we want to be.  And even if where we want to be changes, that's okay.  Life is about change.  Every day is a different day. 

Anyhow, thought I'd start this new series on my blog called the "wish list."  Every Sunday, I'd post something new.  For inspiration.  I need visual inspiration.  So, here's my first set of the wish list:

wish list: 

the outfit

via prepfection

the ring

via ijeOma

travels

via pretty rosetta

vacation home

via nantucketyouth

+ the things that made me smile:

Background: I have young parents.  Well, they got married young.  Had kids young.  Got divorced young.  So, it was hard.  I feel as if we all had to grow up together.  For a long time, I felt as if I didn't have parents.  At least, the parents I imagined parents to be.  But this week, my parents became mom and dad: the two people I could count on to be there for me and to love me no matter what. 

My dad sent me this text last night: I don't want you to move away from me because that would break my heart. 

And today, my mom whispered to me: Don't worry.  It'll be okay. 

Those were enough to make me smile.  Those were enough to re-assure me that things will be okay.

friday night opera.

This evening's beautiful, (somewhat) quiet sunset.

No dramatic colors or shades or designs.

Just a bold yellow softening into the sky.

Aww

But right now, I'm trying to muster some hidden energy to continue working.

Listening to Beethoven to inspire my brain to write, write, write.

This. Motion. That. I. Need. To. Finish. Tonight.

Even though the stress of work has been piling up in the back of my head,

I had a good day.  A good week.

And I feel pretty great.

Notwithstanding the fact I've been sleeping on the chair again.

Two nights this week.

But, this time, it's not for any reason

other than the fact that I really just wanted

to sleep in the chair.

Silly, I know, but the chair feels comfy,

when I'm tired.  I fit snuggly in it.

Like right now.

Perhaps, I should get up from the chair,

and work elsewhere.

I shall go back to work.

Another silly confession, but this excites me.

Working late at night (even though it's Friday).

I feel accomplished.

(Note: These are silly things attorneys say to make themselves feel better for working an allnighter.)

Hope you have a much more eventful Friday! 

I promise to have a much more eventful Saturday evening.

I need to have a much more eventful Saturday.

i love home.

Going to Berkeley made me realize something.

I love home. 

I missed home.

But, it also made me realize another thing.

I need to leave home.

I'm finally ready to leave home.

I've been thinking a lot about it.

And, let's see.

What happens.

I'm opening the door to change.

To opportunities.

So, let's see.

Where I'll be.

A year from now.

berkeley.

I was in Berkeley this past weekend.  For a conference.  The last time I was here, it was for a high school speech tournament.  I can't believe I haven't returned since then.  Maybe it's because I felt ashamed and undeserving of returning.  You see, I really wanted to go to school here, but I didn't even try.  I was one of those girls who was afraid to leave her boyfriend.  The same boyfriend who cheated on me with a so-called friend right before an important competition.  I competed at Berkeley with a heavy and broken heart.  I didn't win, but I didn't care either.  Actually, I was proud to just be there.  That I was one of the few chosen to compete.  It goes without saying I went back to the cheating boyfriend, and didn't go back to Berkeley, but that's history.    

I can't believe that's what I thought about when I landed at the Oakland airport.  Something that happened years (I don't even want to say how many), years and years ago!

The thing about it though is that while I did remember that unfortunate experience, the memory didn't affect me in any way.  During the first evening of the conference, while I sat in this huge ballroom with rows and rows of chairs filled with attorneys from different backgrounds, ages, and levels of experience, listening to the Chief Justice of the California Supreme Court speak to us, I thought, I made it.

I realized that despite the detours, delays, and some setbacks, I still got to where I wanted to be.  Yes, I went back to the cheating boyfriend, but I did let him go.  Eventually.  And okay, perhaps, I made the same mistake again, afterwards, with another not-so-nice boyfriend.  But the great thing about life is that we can get back on track, and go where we want to be.  It's up to us.  Eventually, I let go of the not-so-nice boyfriend, too.  And I'm where I want to be.     

clouds + cloud(ed)

I took this picture last Sunday.

It's one out of probably twenty I took of the clouds.

I just love how they fill the sky after the rain.

I wish everyday looked like this.

I've been struggling all afternoon.

After spending all morning in court, I came back into

the office with a dreadful headache.

Not to mention I hurt my neck last night,

and now, I can't turn my head to the right or to the left.

So, instead of working, I've been scrolling through old files, old blog posts,

and old (email) "reminders" I used to send to myself.

I came across this "reminder" I sent on March 30, 2011:

"Just came back from Phoenix.  Remember this: he motivates and inspires me

to be the best possible me.  I love him for that."

I was talking about A, who I've mentioned a couple of times

(though not sure if I've ever referenced him as "A").

But I wrote several posts about him, like here, here, and here. 

A and I are not speaking anymore.

But that has a lot more to do with me than him.

Today, especially after reading the reminders and previous posts,

I wondered why I pushed him out of my life.

Because I miss him everyday.

But, then I read the posts again.

The post about Dexter and Emma (One Day),

and I remembered why I pushed him out of my life.

Self-preservation.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong.

Many days I wish I could take it back.

But, we can't change how we feel.

I can't change mine, and he can't change his.

So, we do what's best for us.

I did what was best for me.

At the time.

I miss him though.

Everyday.

lucky (blessed)

Sometimes, we meet someone and it seems as if we've met them before.  At some other time.  At some other place.  Sometimes, a moment seems so perfect that you wonder how lucky you could be to experience it?  Sometimes, you wonder, if another moment could ever take its place?  Then, you wonder whether it was real?  Or just something you imagined?  Whether feelings could be that clear, that undeniable, and at the same time, that confusing and surreal? 

I know I've mentioned several times someone I hold dear to my heart.  A really good friend.  I'll call him Mr. Saturday.  I know it's embarrassingly unoriginal and uncreative, but I met him on a Saturday night, at a Halloween party (so maybe that part is a little more romanticized) many years ago, and when I told one of my very good friends about our unforgettable, sorta-strange encounter, I referred to him as Mr. Saturday since I could not remember his name (I know, another embarrassing confession).  But, I thought, I'll stick with the reference and call him Mr. Saturday.     

Anyhow, I had quite an indescribable evening with Mr. Saturday last week.  The best way I could describe it is by those questions I posed above.  You see, although I've known him for quite a few years, that evening, we talked as if we had just met and were excited to share stories of our lives with each other.  Then, at the same time, we talked as if we were two people who have known each other our whole entire lives.  There were many moments that night that just seemed perfect, synchronized, and sort of surreal.  Looking back, I think, I must be quite lucky (blessed) to have experienced such a connection with someone I care about.  It made me think of Charlie (and Sam) (hint: Perks of Being a Wallflower) - that that was what Charlie meant about feeling infinite.  Being infinite.  "... in that moment, I swear we were infinite."

I shared pieces of my life with Mr. Saturday that I haven't really shared with many others (unless, of course, they were a part of the memory, too).  I know I've been told many, many times, to never share sad stories.  But see, I've also always believed that the people you love should know who you are and where you come from, and should they love you in return, they will love the real you and not a figment of who they think you are.  For the first time, I didn't feel naked or vulnerable sharing my past with someone who didn't know about it.  Who didn't live it.  Who wasn't a part of it.  I felt safe.  And that alone, assured me, I was blessed.

You see, none of us have perfect lives.  And some of us have more imperfections than others, but I believe that it's what we do with those imperfections that matter.  "I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.  And maybe we'll never know most of them.  But even if we don't have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there."  (Stephen Chbosky, Perks of Being a Wallflower)   

Sitting there with Mr. Saturday, sharing with him my imperfect past, my imperfect life, I knew, I believed, that no matter what happened from then on, I will be okay.  He will be okay.  We will be okay.  And that to me, made the moment perfect.  And made me lucky.  Blessed.  It was real.  Clear, undeniable, confusing and surreal kinda real.  Beautiful. 

Photo: lydiafairy

Find the Time

I hate to admit this, but I haven't taken a vacation in about two years.  And by a vacation, I mean more than 3-4 days off.  I haven't taken more than a week off in two years. 

I never wanted to be one of those people who just worked.  And I'm proud to say that I'm not.  I work, and I do ten million other things.  Except take a break.  And do nothing.  

I'm supposed to be taking a break right now.  But, as you can see, I'm in front of the computer.  Again.  Writing. 

Yesterday, I stayed home because my office told me not to come in.  And when I called to ask a question, they did not want to respond because I was supposed to be doing nothing, but resting.

You see, I've been sick.  I think my body is screaming for me to just take the time to rest.  And honestly, my brain is feeling really exhausted, too.  That's the reason I'm supposed to go on vacation next week.  However, I was about to postpone it again since I haven't been so productive this week.  But I think my office will threaten to change the locks if I do that.  So, I have to go. 

The thing is, we do need breaks.  Rest our minds.  Rest our bodies.  Do nothing. 

And I do need to get better if I want to go on vacation.  So, as much as it pains me, I have to force myself to get in bed, and just rest. 

But it's such a beautiful day that I want be out there.  I guess, I'll have to enjoy the sunlight through my window.  With a good book. ... That counts as resting, right?  

Have a wonderful weekend!  And remember, take care of you!  

Photo: Just Be Splendid