love changes everything.

I've been thinking a lot lately about this blog and whether I want to continue writing it.  I've been thinking about why I started blogging in the first place.

Then, today, I read this blog that was recently started by a 92-year-old man, who just lost his wife of 67 years.  Reading his blog and the reason he started it reminded me of my reasons.  I looked through my old files and found this post I wrote on my first blog site (one I deleted years ago), but I kept the post and I'm glad I did.  It's a record of change ... and the journey that's taken me to here.

My great love (written June 4, 2006)

Well, it was a typical Monday holiday - me at home sitting on the floor with a foot high of transcripts to read and outline.  It was a hot and beautiful Memorial Day.  I kept looking outside at my balcony and wishing that I could just lie outside, feel the hot sun on my face and relax.  But, I told myself that I needed to get through those transcripts, so I tried to trudge on.  I couldn't.  But, rather than distract myself with MySpace, I thought I'd check on my friend's wedding registry.  Yeah, her wedding was a month away, but her invitation was on the stack of bills behind the foot-high stack of transcripts, and I figured, I'd do something different and buy the wedding gift early.  Not my usual last minute shopping an hour before I have to leave for the wedding.  So, there I was on weddingchannel.com.  Checked my friend's registry, but there was not much there, so mission wasn't accomplished.  Then, I thought, I wonder if he was getting married.  Let me check ... just for the heck of it.  Who knew?  If it popped up then it confirmed everything that I thought.  So, I typed in his name, clicked on "Enter" ... and there it was: his wedding registry.  I can't remember what went through my head at that moment.  But I was certain that my heart stopped beating for a little while.  I just kept staring at the screen.  And when I was finally able to gasp in some air, I broke down.  And my head must have been spinning, like a movie reel out of control with snapshots of him and me.

I don't know how long I sat there in front of the computer.  I can't even remember what I really felt.  All I remember is that it hurt to breathe.  I thought I was having some kind of asthma attack and I didn't think I had asthma.  For a moment I thought I was having a heart attack, but I realized that it was just my heart breaking.

After what seemed like a long time, I finally composed myself and went back to reading those damn transcripts.  But after several pages of God-knows-what, I put the transcript down and gave up.  I knew I needed to clear my head.  I needed to get out and drive ... wherever.  I thought, I deserved some ice cream. Ice cream was supposed to make me feel better.  So, I drove and drove, cried and cried.  I ended up at Coffee Bean.  Not exactly ice cream, but a good second best.

I allowed myself to sit there, enjoy the hot sun while I sipped my ice-cold White Chocolate Latte.  The thing is I always questioned my feelings for him.  I guess because in large part, everyone else questioned it.  People have this thing about what love is supposed to be.  How could I love him when he was with someone else?  How could I love him over someone who I spent six years of my life with?  How could I love him?  But I did.  No ifs and buts.  There are just some things you can't explain.  I just know that because of him I am now a changed person.  And maybe that's what great loves are supposed to be.  They come into your life to break you down, change you, but that's their only purpose, and although you're forever changed for having had them in your life, they cannot stay.  They are meant to be set free, and you are meant to let them go.  In ways that he probably will never know, he taught me what it means to be in love.  And as cliche as the term may be, I was in love.  Because of that, I am a better person than I was before he entered my life.

In the end I let him go because I couldn't stand to see him confused and hurt.  I couldn't stand to be the cause of any heartache in his life.  For two years, I went through every single emotion from hurt to regret to anger - everything.  And now, I realize that maybe I had to go through all of that to open myself up for my next great love.  Finding out he was getting married turned my whole world upside down.  But finally, he (it) let me go.  And I'm just looking forward to falling in love again.  Nothing wrong with being in love.  It can be very painful sometimes, but in the end, it's worth it all.  I wish him a lifetime of happiness with her.

***

It was worth it.  

Sometimes after we've been hurt, we forget the awesome feeling of loving someone.  We want to close our hearts because it's safer.  But in closing our hearts we lose out on some of the best times and experiences we can have.  In closing our hearts, we lose out on the possibilities that change brings ... because it's love that changes us.  It changes everything.    

running

Next month will be a year since my car accident.  Almost a year since I ran. 

So, yesterday, during my afternoon walk, I decided to give it a try.  Run, I told myself.  Be brave.  You can do it.  You're okay, now.  The doctor cleared me months and months ago.  I just had not felt the same.  And honestly, I was scared to run.  To push myself physically.      

But, then, I did.  Slowly, I broke into a jog and next thing I knew, I found my rhythm and I was running again.
 
And it felt exhilirating.  I didn't realize how much I missed it until I actually felt the rush of energy in my lungs and the wind against my face.  The feel of the concrete under my feet. 

Even though I've been walking a lot, there's something different about running.  And I had forgotten that difference until now.  When I run I feel connected to every single muscle inside of me.  I feel connected to the ground as my feet pounces on the concrete and I hear the sound of its welcome greeting.  I feel connected to the wind as we constantly collide with one another. 

And I wonder, had it always been that way?  Did running always make me feel freer, happier and more alive?

Perhaps, I've stayed away from it long enough to recognize it.  Maybe that time apart was needed.  So, I could once again appreciate all it had to offer.  So, I could appreciate how much I loved it.  And how much I needed it.

Now, I can't wait for my next run.  :)  

2012 theme song.

Don't know much about your life
Don't know much about your world
But don't want to be alone tonight
On this planet they call Earth

You don't know about my past
And I don't have a future figured out
And maybe this is going too fast
And maybe it's not meant to last

But what do you say to taking chances?
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay
What do you say, what do you say?

I just want to start again
Maybe you could show me how to try
May you could take me in
Somewhere underneath your skin

What do you say to taking chances?
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay
What do you say, what do you say?

And I had my heart beating down
But I always come back for more, yeah
There's nothing like love to pull you up
When you're lying down on the floor there
So talk to me, talk to me like lovers do
Yeah, walk with me, walk with me like lovers do

Don't know much about your life
Don't know much about your world.

i love home.

Going to Berkeley made me realize something.

I love home. 

I missed home.

But, it also made me realize another thing.

I need to leave home.

I'm finally ready to leave home.

I've been thinking a lot about it.

And, let's see.

What happens.

I'm opening the door to change.

To opportunities.

So, let's see.

Where I'll be.

A year from now.

Time for change

Last weekend, I went on a writing retreat.  Two nights in Idyllwild, CA.  Two days of writing.  And by the end of the weekend, I was inspired.  I was determined.  For change.

So, I opened the door.  Let it know I'm ready.  For all it has to offer.

As scary as change can be, it's also very exciting.  It's the potential, my friend said.  The potential and possibility of something greater.

So, I started working on the book again.  The one I've been mentioning for the last couple of years.  I finally committed to finishing it.  I'm giving myself a year.  I will finish it.  And I will keep you posted. :)

Now, here's a couple of pictures from Idyllwild.  Perhaps, the pictures will make you better understand why I was inspired.  And why I'm more determined than ever.  For change.     


The Dome (where I stayed)

Casa Finlandia (where we had classes and our meals)

View from Dome living room

Dome balcony

View from our hike

Another view photo

Now, here are several pictures of the beautiful sunset from the Casa Finlandia balcony:



And pictures from the drive home.  I just had to pull over and take pictures of the view.

Now, do you understand?





deciding, choosing, committing.

I walked outside earlier,

after the rain had stopped,

and I was greeted by the smell

of the nearing winter.

I'm wistful for the year that's almost gone,

but hopeful for the days to come.  

For the new year.

It'll be a different year ~

different in many ways.

Because I finally chose,

and making a decision that can

change the course of my life

has got to be the most exciting thing. 

ever!

Many exciting changes. 

Many exciting things to come.

That's what happens when you finally decide

that your life is yours.

And you can choose to take it

wherever you want.

Live.  It.  The.  Way.  You.  Want.

I know it took me awhile.

To get here.

To decide.

To choose.

But, you see, it's not something I take very lightly.

Once I decide, once I choose,

I commit.

And I'm committing!

(to many changes)

(to dreams long overdue)

{smile}

p.s. i love this song.  :)

Photo via

Desert Trip

I've always prided myself as being a city girl.  I LOVE the big city.  All the lights, the noise, the people, and the busy-ness of it all.  I feel alive in the big city.  I feel at home.  In my element. 

But this year, I took several trips to the desert.  And during my last trip not too long ago, I found myself drawn to the tranquility of the desert days and nights.  I fell in love with the night sky filled with stars and the sound of the whispering wind.  I felt a different kind of home. 

S, my oldest, best-est friend, asked me if I'd move there.  To the desert.  Well, actually, she said, I should move there.  With no question mark.  And when I saw the look on her face, that she really missed me, I couldn't lie to her: I'd have to have a good reason to.  Not that being closer to my oldest, best friend isn't a good reason, but I have my career and my family and my whole life in the city. 

But, I'd consider it, I told her. 

You see, I've always imagined myself living in two different places.  I just thought those two different places would be Los Angeles and New York.  I'd practice law in Los Angeles.  And I'd write and teach in New York.  I know people who do it.  And I told myself, one day, I will, too. 

But, then, I wouldn't mind writing in the desert either.  Something in the calm spoke to my heart.  My soul.  And touched a part of me that I didn't know existed.  Even the thunder and lightning (that freaked me out) gave me a jolt of inspiration. 

Plus, I love the drive there.  And if I could love that, then, I'm not quite the city girl I claim to be.  Here are some shots from my recent drive to and from the desert ... (I know I shouldn't be taking pictures, but I can't help not capturing the beautiful sky and scenic view.)       

Love it! :)

So, S said I could use her spare room.  Turn it into my office or writing space.  She's trying.  And I was touched.  I told her I'll come back in a couple of weeks.  Try it out and do some writing.  If I'm able to write two chapters, I might just take her up on her offer.  

New adventures are good.  Right?  And sometimes, even when we have no intention of going somewhere, we find ourselves there, and surprise ourselves.    

     

lessons we learn

Told a friend this today. 

I also told her that, in time, she'll find that the "right" part of this statement prevails. 

So, don't be afraid to do what is hard. 

photo via

give me five minutes.

via thresca

For the last couple of years, I've worked really hard on looking forward, moving on.  And I'm happy (and proud) to say that I've done a pretty good job doing just that.  But there are moments, when I get this need to look back, and remember ... lessons learned.  When I need to look back and return to a safe place (i.e. my "cubby hole"), where I felt ... loved.  

But I chose wrong.  Because I didn't follow my heart.  And not only did I lie to someone I loved, I lied to myself. 

It took me years to get over that.  And perhaps, since I'm writing it here, you can argue that I still haven't completely gotten over it. 

My defense, however ~ it's the lesson I never want to forget.  The lesson to be true to myself.  And the lesson to not be afraid to take chances.  The lesson to speak my heart.  And the lesson not to be afraid to fall in love.  Because putting it all out there ... I do need a lot of reminding when it comes to all of that.    

 

On our first date, I told a guy that I had issues with commitment.  Now, I know better than to tell someone that.  (But he asked, so I answered.)  But I learned and discovered in the last couple of weeks that my answer was premature.  Because what I've also discovered in the last couple of weeks is not so much that I'm afraid or have issues with commitment, I just don't want to make the wrong choice who I make that commitment with.  So, let's just say, I'm a little more cautious.  And slow when it comes to evaluating all of that.  I take my time. 

I also told him that I loved my life as it was (before he came in it), and it would take a pretty awesome guy to make me change my life (because that's what happens when you go from single to a couple - your life changes).  Those words I guess were not too premature.  I still stand by them. 

I guess, the question is what does this have to do with my lesson learned?  And why the need to go back to my "cubby hole"? 

Well, like I said, it's the reminder.  Of lesson learned.  The reminder of the feeling of loss so great that it nearly broke me.  That broken feeling that was a consequence of rationalizations and fear. 

Because, of course, what happens is that when you start to value and be excited about your together time more than your alone time, that can be scary for a single person.  And fear can make one rationalize what is difficult to rationalize - your heart.  So, my friend told me to stop rationalizing.  Stop rationalizing my feelings.  She said that's the lesson I need to remember.  To feel.  And not be afraid of that.  If anything, she said, be afraid of that feeling of loss again and that loss because you didn't tell him you thought he was awesome.  (Okay, there were a lot of lessons there.)  But basically, it comes down to this: "Don't screw it up because you're afraid.  Just prepare yourself and understand, however, that he's free to screw it up himself."  

So, that's why I look back.  Because for those five minutes I wallow, and I remember, so I can move on.  Move on a completely different direction than the one I previously took.  Because I don't want to screw it up again. 

And I didn't.  :) 

But like my friend said, he could. 

it is everything that it's cracked up to be.

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"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?  Love is everything it's cracked up to be.  That's why people are so cynical about it.  It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.  And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more." 

-- Erica Jong

simply messy.

The intention was to gulp down my unhealthy-carb-galore lunch (took an early lunch break today), so that I could get back to brief-writing.  In the meantime, however, I decided to check on Heather (this fish).  (Multi-tasking is a difficult addiction to break.)  But it's been awhile since I've read Heather's blog and was very curious to see how the wedding plans were coming along.  Of course, I should have expected that Heather's words would twist my brain and tug at my heart - which is what attracted me to her blog in the first place (many years ago) - and thus, returning to a lawyerly-state-of-mind would be a struggle.

And it has been.  So, I'm giving in to the struggle, and will attempt to sort this out.  (Sorry in advance if this turns out to be one long pointless post.  Remember, I'm sorting it out.  Thus, let's just say as a disclaimer - I'm brainstorming.)  Here I go:

I love simple.  I strive for simple.  Because my job, and thus, 95% of my day, is anything but simple.  

But also, while we're on the honesty front right now, I have to come clean and say that I've been told more times than I'm willing to admit (that'll be too much honesty) that I'm far from simple.  Okay, I'm a complex person.  But who isn't?  We all are complex in some ways.  Just some more than others.  Right?  What do you think?  (Please someone raise your hand and agree with me.) 

Anyhow, this post from Heather reminds me why she's my current hope and inspiration when it comes to the heartsy (feelings) part of life.  Because like Heather, I'm pretty bad at math.  (Honesty, again.) And these years of being single has made me really forget how to include another number in the equation of me and you/you and me.  I mean, sounds simple enough, right?  But again, I think I've forgotten.  I think I even forgot how it felt to have someone else's life really affect me.  To the core. 

But over the weekend, something happened.  I learned of some pretty disturbing news that brought upon some emotions that I wasn't even aware existed inside of me.  I was quite surprised with the news, but was even more SHOCKED with how it made me feel.  I found myself running (literally) to clear my head.  Running so that I could push away whatever it was that was making my heart do a song and dance to this unfamiliar rhythm that I didn't quite understand.  Instead, I found myself running, hurting my back and knees, but no clarity of mind.

The thing is, when it comes down to it, I still want simple.  I'm often baffled and speechless and confused when certain feelings, emotions or thoughts just don't seem to fit in to my logic.  (I hope you caught that.  My logic.)  And thus when it (whatever it is) doesn't fit in, I run.  Literally and figuratively.

But the recent disturbing news has left me thinking a lot.  Pondering.  Wondering.  I even tried to run again yesterday, but the back and knees wouldn't allow me.  So instead, I walked.  For miles and miles.  And what I came up with is this:

I still want simple.  But life can be complicated.  And add in feelings, emotions, and matters of the heart - boy, do we have messy and complicated.  Do I just run every time?  Hurt my back and knees?  With the hopes that my heart stays intact?  Honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out.  But for some reason, I can't get Juliet's (Sophie's) words out of my head - I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like, love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for.  But I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, I'd have the courage to seize it.

Was that the unfamiliar feeling?  The unfamiliar rhythm my heart was dancing to?

Then, last night, my friend called needing to sort things out herself.  She said, "I don't know what I'm scared of more - to be alone or to fall in love?  I'm just scared of getting hurt again, and scared that afterwards it'll take another two years for me to get over the hurt, and be able to start all over again."

She spoke my heart.  And I found myself telling her what I should've told myself before the run (and years ago):

Who cares if you get hurt?  Allow yourself the opportunity to possibly get hurt.  Because what you might just get is something wonderful.  And that is never a waste of time.  Even if things don't work out the way you wanted, loving and allowing yourself to be loved, is never a waste of time.  The thing is, oftentimes, although our intention is to protect our hearts, we end up breaking it ourselves.  So why not just take the chance?  Take the chance.

*photo via