give me five minutes.

via thresca

For the last couple of years, I've worked really hard on looking forward, moving on.  And I'm happy (and proud) to say that I've done a pretty good job doing just that.  But there are moments, when I get this need to look back, and remember ... lessons learned.  When I need to look back and return to a safe place (i.e. my "cubby hole"), where I felt ... loved.  

But I chose wrong.  Because I didn't follow my heart.  And not only did I lie to someone I loved, I lied to myself. 

It took me years to get over that.  And perhaps, since I'm writing it here, you can argue that I still haven't completely gotten over it. 

My defense, however ~ it's the lesson I never want to forget.  The lesson to be true to myself.  And the lesson to not be afraid to take chances.  The lesson to speak my heart.  And the lesson not to be afraid to fall in love.  Because putting it all out there ... I do need a lot of reminding when it comes to all of that.    

 

On our first date, I told a guy that I had issues with commitment.  Now, I know better than to tell someone that.  (But he asked, so I answered.)  But I learned and discovered in the last couple of weeks that my answer was premature.  Because what I've also discovered in the last couple of weeks is not so much that I'm afraid or have issues with commitment, I just don't want to make the wrong choice who I make that commitment with.  So, let's just say, I'm a little more cautious.  And slow when it comes to evaluating all of that.  I take my time. 

I also told him that I loved my life as it was (before he came in it), and it would take a pretty awesome guy to make me change my life (because that's what happens when you go from single to a couple - your life changes).  Those words I guess were not too premature.  I still stand by them. 

I guess, the question is what does this have to do with my lesson learned?  And why the need to go back to my "cubby hole"? 

Well, like I said, it's the reminder.  Of lesson learned.  The reminder of the feeling of loss so great that it nearly broke me.  That broken feeling that was a consequence of rationalizations and fear. 

Because, of course, what happens is that when you start to value and be excited about your together time more than your alone time, that can be scary for a single person.  And fear can make one rationalize what is difficult to rationalize - your heart.  So, my friend told me to stop rationalizing.  Stop rationalizing my feelings.  She said that's the lesson I need to remember.  To feel.  And not be afraid of that.  If anything, she said, be afraid of that feeling of loss again and that loss because you didn't tell him you thought he was awesome.  (Okay, there were a lot of lessons there.)  But basically, it comes down to this: "Don't screw it up because you're afraid.  Just prepare yourself and understand, however, that he's free to screw it up himself."  

So, that's why I look back.  Because for those five minutes I wallow, and I remember, so I can move on.  Move on a completely different direction than the one I previously took.  Because I don't want to screw it up again. 

And I didn't.  :) 

But like my friend said, he could.