The intention was to gulp down my unhealthy-carb-galore lunch (took an early lunch break today), so that I could get back to brief-writing. In the meantime, however, I decided to check on Heather (this fish). (Multi-tasking is a difficult addiction to break.) But it's been awhile since I've read Heather's blog and was very curious to see how the wedding plans were coming along. Of course, I should have expected that Heather's words would twist my brain and tug at my heart - which is what attracted me to her blog in the first place (many years ago) - and thus, returning to a lawyerly-state-of-mind would be a struggle.
And it has been. So, I'm giving in to the struggle, and will attempt to sort this out. (Sorry in advance if this turns out to be one long pointless post. Remember, I'm sorting it out. Thus, let's just say as a disclaimer - I'm brainstorming.) Here I go:
I love simple. I strive for simple. Because my job, and thus, 95% of my day, is anything but simple.
But also, while we're on the honesty front right now, I have to come clean and say that I've been told more times than I'm willing to admit (that'll be too much honesty) that I'm far from simple. Okay, I'm a complex person. But who isn't? We all are complex in some ways. Just some more than others. Right? What do you think? (Please someone raise your hand and agree with me.)
Anyhow, this post from Heather reminds me why she's my current hope and inspiration when it comes to the heartsy (feelings) part of life. Because like Heather, I'm pretty bad at math. (Honesty, again.) And these years of being single has made me really forget how to include another number in the equation of me and you/you and me. I mean, sounds simple enough, right? But again, I think I've forgotten. I think I even forgot how it felt to have someone else's life really affect me. To the core.
But over the weekend, something happened. I learned of some pretty disturbing news that brought upon some emotions that I wasn't even aware existed inside of me. I was quite surprised with the news, but was even more SHOCKED with how it made me feel. I found myself running (literally) to clear my head. Running so that I could push away whatever it was that was making my heart do a song and dance to this unfamiliar rhythm that I didn't quite understand. Instead, I found myself running, hurting my back and knees, but no clarity of mind.
The thing is, when it comes down to it, I still want simple. I'm often baffled and speechless and confused when certain feelings, emotions or thoughts just don't seem to fit in to my logic. (I hope you caught that. My logic.) And thus when it (whatever it is) doesn't fit in, I run. Literally and figuratively.
But the recent disturbing news has left me thinking a lot. Pondering. Wondering. I even tried to run again yesterday, but the back and knees wouldn't allow me. So instead, I walked. For miles and miles. And what I came up with is this:
I still want simple. But life can be complicated. And add in feelings, emotions, and matters of the heart - boy, do we have messy and complicated. Do I just run every time? Hurt my back and knees? With the hopes that my heart stays intact? Honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out. But for some reason, I can't get Juliet's (Sophie's) words out of my head - I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like, love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for. But I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, I'd have the courage to seize it.
Was that the unfamiliar feeling? The unfamiliar rhythm my heart was dancing to?
Then, last night, my friend called needing to sort things out herself. She said, "I don't know what I'm scared of more - to be alone or to fall in love? I'm just scared of getting hurt again, and scared that afterwards it'll take another two years for me to get over the hurt, and be able to start all over again."
She spoke my heart. And I found myself telling her what I should've told myself before the run (and years ago):
Who cares if you get hurt? Allow yourself the opportunity to possibly get hurt. Because what you might just get is something wonderful. And that is never a waste of time. Even if things don't work out the way you wanted, loving and allowing yourself to be loved, is never a waste of time. The thing is, oftentimes, although our intention is to protect our hearts, we end up breaking it ourselves. So why not just take the chance? Take the chance.
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