on my mind ...

so love this!

Wait.

Have you ever heard a song, and instantly, your heart broke?  One minute you were one whole person and the next minute, you became someone completely different?

Changed.

Well, this song did that to me. 

Then, the other night, while watching the season finale of Parenthood, I realized something: we never know.  We won't know how we'll feel about a given situation until we're right there, faced with it.  And I know, it's a little "nutty" that a television show made me realize that, but it did.  And afterwards, I was a mess.  I never thought a show and a wedding and a Bob Dylan song* could make me cry like that.  But, it did.  And again, I was changed.   

We'll never know who we'll end up loving.  Until we meet that person.  Or, unfortunately, sometimes, not until we lose that person.   

A long time ago, I heard someone say, I didn't know what I was missing until I found it. 

Well, I didn't know what that person meant, until I felt it.

We just never know.

I never knew this song would break my heart until I heard it.  And I felt it.

I'll wait for  you, I'll wait for you alone
And I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone.



*Maybe it was the fact that it was a cover of the Bob Dylan song that I posted a couple of days ago (hint: the one Adele did a cover of).  Who would've thunk?

what are we waiting for?

"A couple of hundred years ago, Benjamin Franklin shared with the world

the secret of his success.  'Never leave that till tomorrow,' he said, 'which

you can do today.'  This is the man who discovered electricity.  You think more

people would listen to what he had to say.  I don't know why we put things

off, but if I had to guess, I'd have to say it has a lot to do with fear.

Fear of failure, fear of rejection.  Sometimes the fear is just of making

a decision because what if you're wrong?  What if you're making a mistake

you can't undo?  The early bird catches the worm.  A stitch in time

saves nine.  He who hesitates is lost.  We can't pretend we hadn't been

told.  We've all heard the proverbs, heard the philosophers, heard our

grandparents warning us about wasted time.  Heard the damn poets

urging us to seize the day.  Still sometimes we have to see for ourselves.

We have to make our own mistakes.  We have to learn our own lessons.

We have to sweep today's possibility under tomorrow's rug until

we can't anymore.  Until we finally understand for ourselves what

Benjamin Franklin really meant.  That knowing is better than wondering,

that waking is better than sleeping, and even the biggest failure,

even the worst, beat the hell out of never trying."

(- Grey's Anatomy)

Yes, another Grey's Anatomy quote.  But I really, really like this one.  I've been taught this.  Time and time again.  So, I should've learned it by now.  Mastered it.  Right?  And if that's the case, then, what am I waiting for? ...

What are you?

Photo: rbsuperb 

your heart.

"Follow your heart, but be quiet

for a while first.  Ask questions,

then feel the answer.  Learn to

trust your heart."

(Author Unknown - via)

photo: weheartit

Taking Chances

I love this Glee version of this song. 

On my mind. 

What do you say to taking chances? 

Today.

"I found that every single successful person I've ever spoken to

had a turning point and the turning point was where

they made a clear, specific, unequivocal decision that they

were not going to live like this anymore.  Some people make

that decision at 15 and some people make it at 50 and

most never make it at all."

- Brian Tracy (via thresca)

But for those who haven't made it yet, it's not too late.  As long as you're still breathing, you still have the opportunity to make that decision - of how you want to live your life.  You can make that decision every single day because our lives can change with every breath we take. 

photo: Molly Lichten

lessons we learn

Told a friend this today. 

I also told her that, in time, she'll find that the "right" part of this statement prevails. 

So, don't be afraid to do what is hard. 

photo via

feeling as of late

" I think you should learn, of course, and some days

you must learn a great deal.  But you should also have

days when you allow what is already in you

to swell up inside of you

until it touches everything."

--E.L. Konigsburg

photo via



so what next?

*photo via

he said: i think you're amazing.

and geez, i think he's awesome.

 p.s. talk about messages.  about decisions?  (remember?)  well, i just came across this: "If you spend too long holding on to the one who treats you like an option, you will miss finding someone who treats you like a priority."  (- via betterthanfine via inspirationalrealwizkhallifa) 

i think i'm ready.  to make that decision.

a message about decisions

Today, my brother talked about how not making a decision is really a decision.  A decision not to make a decision.  A decision to accept the status quo. 

Several hours later, I turned the television on to an episode of Sex and the City.  It was the episode after Carrie cheated on Aidan with Big.  Carrie also talked about choices.  About decisions.  And how sometimes we don't want to decide because it means letting go of the other option.  We're afraid to make a decision because what if we make the wrong one? 

I think that's the unspoken fear of the "non-commitals" or the "commitment-phobics."  What if we decide wrong?  What if we choose one and he (or she) ends up being horrible to us and we have an unhappily-ever-after?  At least if we didn't choose, we can't blame ourselves?  Right?  

Wrong.  As my brother said, not making a decision is a decision.  The decision to accept things as they are.  But that is actually the wrong decision.  Unless, of course, we are happy with the way things are.  But if we were (or are), then, it wouldn't even need to be a decision.  Right?

My brother gave this quote from someone by the name Larson (sorry but I'll try to get the full name from him later) as the source of his statement: "A sincere though faulty decision is better than no decision.  Indeed the latter is really a decision, and often a wrong one.  It is a decision that the status quo is acceptable.  In most decisions the root problem is not so much in knowing what to do as in being prepared to live with the consequences."  

Seven years ago, I made a decision that I wasn't prepared to make at that time.  In hindsight, I made the right decision.  And in further hindsight, I just wasn't prepared at that time to live with the consequences.  I'm sorta wondering if I'm ready now to make another such decision. 

I think I'm getting there.  I definitely hope so.  

Wish me luck! :) 

*photo via

we can still choose.

i finally read the perks of being a wallflower. 

and now, i get it. 

it's the kind of book i wish everyone i love would read.

maybe it's because it explains a lot.

without really trying to explain.

it conveys a beautiful lesson.

without trying so hard to teach the lesson.

but it's the kind of lesson i want to hold on to

for the remainder of 2010,

for the upcoming year,

and for always.

or sometimes we just need to be reminded.

about the charlies and sams of the world.

of our lives.

of who we are.

and that's what this book does.

"i guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons.  and maybe

we'll never know most of them.  but even if we don't have the power

to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we

go from there.  we can still do things.  and we can try to

feel okay about them."

(from perks of being a wallflower by stephen chbosky)

If you haven't read it, I hope you do.

                                  

*photo by Rachel

sometimes ...

... is all you can say.

sometimes, it's all you need to say.

sometimes, it's all you should say.

i believe those three words together, in its perfect sequence,

in its honest timing, is the most beautiful composition of words.

unfortunately, it's not used enough.  at least when it should be.

such simple words that, sometimes, require so much courage to even utter.

but find the courage.

say it.

i love you.

mean it.

and you'll see what a world of difference it makes.

i love you.

i love you.

do you see? 

do you feel it?

i love you.

*photo via le love

the day you read this.

I posted this a couple of months ago.  I came across it accidentally, and gave me some comfort during a very difficult time. 

It has been a tough year.  And a very rough summer.  But now those days seem ages ago.  Because although am still dealing with the aftermath of loss, I know that everything will be okay.  Yet, I believe that sometimes we need reminders.  This is mine.

The day you read this.
by: i wrote this for you

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realise there were no more fears to fear.  No tears to cry.  No head to hang in shame.  That every time you thought you'd offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that.  That everyone and everything lives on inside you.  That that doesn't make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than cold ones.

That being alone means you're free.  That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you're with is the one you're meant to be with.  That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them.  That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough.  That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control that completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people.  That you laugh more than you cry.  That crying is good for you.  That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you.  That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them.  That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music. 

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else.  That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know is if you're judging them.  That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you'll ever fathom and should be treated as such.  That the difference between a job and art is passion.  That neither defines who you are.  That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world.  That life contradicts itself, constantly.  That's why it's worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time.  That love is only as real as you want it to be.  That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn't always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it's up to you each day if you match it.  That nothing matters up until this point.  That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future.  Forever.  That rain is beautiful. 

And so are you. 

*Definitely worth a re-post.  Over and over again.

*photo by Jonathan Sisson

on my mind.

"Love is a temporary madness.  It erupts like an earthquake and then

subsides.  And when it subsides you have to make a decision.

You have to work out whether your roots have become so entwined

together that it is inconceivable that you should ever part.

Because this is what love is.  Love is not breathlessness, it is not

excitement, it is not the promulgation of promises of eternal passion.

That is just being "in love" which any of us can convince ourselves

we are.  Love itself is what is left over when being in love has burned

away, and this is both an art and a fortunate accident.  Your mother

and I had it, we had roots that grew towards each other underground,

and when all the pretty blossom had fallen from our branches we found

that we were one tree and not two."

-- St. Augustine

*photo by harold lloyd

simply messy.

The intention was to gulp down my unhealthy-carb-galore lunch (took an early lunch break today), so that I could get back to brief-writing.  In the meantime, however, I decided to check on Heather (this fish).  (Multi-tasking is a difficult addiction to break.)  But it's been awhile since I've read Heather's blog and was very curious to see how the wedding plans were coming along.  Of course, I should have expected that Heather's words would twist my brain and tug at my heart - which is what attracted me to her blog in the first place (many years ago) - and thus, returning to a lawyerly-state-of-mind would be a struggle.

And it has been.  So, I'm giving in to the struggle, and will attempt to sort this out.  (Sorry in advance if this turns out to be one long pointless post.  Remember, I'm sorting it out.  Thus, let's just say as a disclaimer - I'm brainstorming.)  Here I go:

I love simple.  I strive for simple.  Because my job, and thus, 95% of my day, is anything but simple.  

But also, while we're on the honesty front right now, I have to come clean and say that I've been told more times than I'm willing to admit (that'll be too much honesty) that I'm far from simple.  Okay, I'm a complex person.  But who isn't?  We all are complex in some ways.  Just some more than others.  Right?  What do you think?  (Please someone raise your hand and agree with me.) 

Anyhow, this post from Heather reminds me why she's my current hope and inspiration when it comes to the heartsy (feelings) part of life.  Because like Heather, I'm pretty bad at math.  (Honesty, again.) And these years of being single has made me really forget how to include another number in the equation of me and you/you and me.  I mean, sounds simple enough, right?  But again, I think I've forgotten.  I think I even forgot how it felt to have someone else's life really affect me.  To the core. 

But over the weekend, something happened.  I learned of some pretty disturbing news that brought upon some emotions that I wasn't even aware existed inside of me.  I was quite surprised with the news, but was even more SHOCKED with how it made me feel.  I found myself running (literally) to clear my head.  Running so that I could push away whatever it was that was making my heart do a song and dance to this unfamiliar rhythm that I didn't quite understand.  Instead, I found myself running, hurting my back and knees, but no clarity of mind.

The thing is, when it comes down to it, I still want simple.  I'm often baffled and speechless and confused when certain feelings, emotions or thoughts just don't seem to fit in to my logic.  (I hope you caught that.  My logic.)  And thus when it (whatever it is) doesn't fit in, I run.  Literally and figuratively.

But the recent disturbing news has left me thinking a lot.  Pondering.  Wondering.  I even tried to run again yesterday, but the back and knees wouldn't allow me.  So instead, I walked.  For miles and miles.  And what I came up with is this:

I still want simple.  But life can be complicated.  And add in feelings, emotions, and matters of the heart - boy, do we have messy and complicated.  Do I just run every time?  Hurt my back and knees?  With the hopes that my heart stays intact?  Honestly, I'm still trying to figure it out.  But for some reason, I can't get Juliet's (Sophie's) words out of my head - I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like, love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for.  But I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, I'd have the courage to seize it.

Was that the unfamiliar feeling?  The unfamiliar rhythm my heart was dancing to?

Then, last night, my friend called needing to sort things out herself.  She said, "I don't know what I'm scared of more - to be alone or to fall in love?  I'm just scared of getting hurt again, and scared that afterwards it'll take another two years for me to get over the hurt, and be able to start all over again."

She spoke my heart.  And I found myself telling her what I should've told myself before the run (and years ago):

Who cares if you get hurt?  Allow yourself the opportunity to possibly get hurt.  Because what you might just get is something wonderful.  And that is never a waste of time.  Even if things don't work out the way you wanted, loving and allowing yourself to be loved, is never a waste of time.  The thing is, oftentimes, although our intention is to protect our hearts, we end up breaking it ourselves.  So why not just take the chance?  Take the chance.

*photo via

trust.

*photo via

a realization. a much needed one.

I didn't want to get up this morning.  I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep.  Nothing else.  But sleep. 

I know I've been writing a lot about being tired.  Sorry.  This is going to be another one of those posts because well, I'm tired.

But yesterday, I was able to take the afternoon off work (yay!) and thus, did not need to rush to make it to my friend's wedding.  Not having to rush from one place to another felt rather unfamiliar that I really didn't know what to do with myself for awhile.  But I soon welcomed the unfamiliar relaxed feeling.  And what I realized as I was making the (again unfamiliar) non-stressful, traffic-free drive down the 710 freeway is that I haven't taken a vacation since last year.  And by vacation I just mean at least two weeks off from work and my normal daily obligations and routine.  Then, when I thought deeper, I realized that I haven't even taken a consecutive three-day weekend break since last March.  I haven't had a weekend off in months.  No wonder I'm tired.

All of that made me rather sad in that I promised myself to take vacations.  To make that a priority.  My mentor always told me (he still does) that I need to make time for vacations.  Vacations need to be a part of my planning calendar.  Of course, it's tough when you have your own business because well, you need to run a business and there's no one who keeps track of how much vacation time you have.  I work for myself so if I don't work, well, I don't get paid either, which is rather tough for someone who has tons of student loans to pay.  My cost for being a lawyer.  (On a side note: A colleague and I were talking one day about how we've experienced the stereotype that some people (most people?) have about lawyers, meaning they think lawyers = money.  Well, if you're a lawyer like my colleague and me, we make no profit until all those loans have been paid off.  And the last time I checked, I think the payment plan is thirty years?  Hmmm ... )

But okay, back to the vacation topic.  I knew that working for myself meant no vacation pay, and meant extra-planning to make sure all of my cases were taken care of and my deadlines were all met.  I knew that half my time would be spent on non-billable hours taking care of administrative tasks such as organizing my files, doing my billing, and making sure rent, taxes and insurance were paid.  I knew all of that.  But I didn't mind.  I just promised myself that no matter what, I would make sure that vacation time was included in my calendar.  This year, that didn't happen.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up so much since there were unexpected circumstances that prevented me from taking time off.  Things happen.  But nonetheless, I believe that vacations are important for the soul.  For our well-being.  I believe it allows us to gain perspective.  To reflect.  To re-fuel.  Thus, I believe it's a must item on our to-do list. 

So, I'm once again adding it to mine.  I want this feeling again.  I miss this feeling ...

{photos: mine}

A friend asked me how much time I spend with my creative writing and here (this blog), and that maybe if I didn't write then I could add that time to my vacation time.  She meant well.  But, I told her, how could I not write?  It's my guilty (non-guilty) pleasure.  Writing to me is like reality television to another, in this case, my friends.  They watch reality television to "relax" and "unwind."  Well, I write.  So, no, can't give it up.    

A Possibility.

Maybe, just maybe, the reason we cannot say goodbye

is because we're really meant to stay.

*photo via

the secret.

I read a lot.  If that's not already obvious.  I read a lot of blogs, articles, books, ads and even street signs.  I love words.  I love how the same words can be rearranged in a sentence, and can give a completely different message.  But anyhow, that's not the secret. 

The secret is about the idea of letting go.  It's a common theme I've found in blogs (and magazine articles and books and etc.).  It seems that people are always looking for ways to let go.  Or giving encouragement, advice and instructions on how to let go.  I'm a part of that group.  When I started blogging, one of my secret missions was to find a way to finally let go.  For my heart to finally let go of someone that I had loved so dearly because loving him was getting in the way of someone I was falling in love with.  It seems and sounds easy enough, right?  Since there was someone new in my life, why was I holding on to someone who was no longer a part of it?  People always say that the best way to get over someone, to get over a broken heart, is to find someone new.  (Honestly, I don't really subscribe to that theory, but that's for another post.)

But if you've ever been there, it's not that easy.  Meeting someone new doesn't mean we get a brand new heart.  And falling in love with someone new doesn't mean the old love instantly disappears and cease to exist.  Ever.  And if you're like me, I have this habit of holding on to things.  To the things I cherish.  To those that I loved.  Even if they are old, battered, or have already long left me, I treasure them.  Because once I loved, I don't stop loving.  Once someone has made a mark on my heart, they stay there.   

But I understand how that can turn into an issue.  My male best friend told me a long time ago that a man does not want to know that the woman he loves loved someone else.  That the woman he loves was so in love with another man as I was in love with my person.  I didn't get it.  I thought that should make any man (or woman) feel better and secure because they are with a person who was capable of loving another in that way.  But now, I realize why my best friend didn't understand my logic and I didn't understand his. 

It seems that the universal rule is we must completely rid ourselves of all past emotions for another being in able for us to acceptably love someone anew.  It seems that the universal rule is to completely erase all things broken, missing and painful from our memories for us to be completely whole and happy in the present.  I buy into the whole idea of living in the present.  This is what this blog site is all about.  But, I'm also one that has put my past in a treasure chest, and one who likes to look in there once in awhile.  And remember.  And smile.

See, I've never been good about universal rules. 

I still wonder about the boy who I met in the second grade and first broke my heart.  I haven't seen or spoken to him in sixteen years.  I have no idea where he is. 

I still miss my precious dog Sugar.  She's been missing for twelve years. 

I still think of my grandfather everyday.  And he's been gone for seven years.

And whenever I catch a Friends episode, I think of the person I so loved years ago, and it makes me smile.  It makes me smile because I did love him.  It makes me smile because I once knew him and we once shared this secret joke and laugh.  I smile because I am truly happy for him and the life he has chosen.

Then, I think about that someone I was falling in love with.  The someone I did fall in love with.  Everytime I hear someone playing the guitar, I think of him.  I realize that he was the reason things did not work out with the one I so loved.  Even though I met him years after it was over.  And when I think of him, I smile because now I know that there's another reason.  Just waiting to be known.   

I believe the secret is ... we never really let go.  We move on.  Or our feelings change.  Or they grow into something else.  But there is some part of the things we loved that always remains.  I guess, when we think of letting go or finding ways to let go, it's really about finding a way to live our lives without that thing or person we felt we couldn't live without.  Once we realize that life can go on even without them, and once we learn to appreciate that everyday provides the possibility of something or someone new who will have such an impact in our lives and hearts that we'll feel we can't live without them, too, the grieving process for those no longer in our current lives may be a little easier.  It'll never be completely easy because missing someone is hard.  But I've found that there's a comfort in the realization and acceptance that we never really have to forget those we loved (and lost) to make room for new loves. 

*photo via Better Than Fine

reason.

You are the reason I didn't know about

but have always been hoping for.

*photo by Philipp Klinger