a realization. a much needed one.

I didn't want to get up this morning.  I just wanted to stay in bed and sleep.  Nothing else.  But sleep. 

I know I've been writing a lot about being tired.  Sorry.  This is going to be another one of those posts because well, I'm tired.

But yesterday, I was able to take the afternoon off work (yay!) and thus, did not need to rush to make it to my friend's wedding.  Not having to rush from one place to another felt rather unfamiliar that I really didn't know what to do with myself for awhile.  But I soon welcomed the unfamiliar relaxed feeling.  And what I realized as I was making the (again unfamiliar) non-stressful, traffic-free drive down the 710 freeway is that I haven't taken a vacation since last year.  And by vacation I just mean at least two weeks off from work and my normal daily obligations and routine.  Then, when I thought deeper, I realized that I haven't even taken a consecutive three-day weekend break since last March.  I haven't had a weekend off in months.  No wonder I'm tired.

All of that made me rather sad in that I promised myself to take vacations.  To make that a priority.  My mentor always told me (he still does) that I need to make time for vacations.  Vacations need to be a part of my planning calendar.  Of course, it's tough when you have your own business because well, you need to run a business and there's no one who keeps track of how much vacation time you have.  I work for myself so if I don't work, well, I don't get paid either, which is rather tough for someone who has tons of student loans to pay.  My cost for being a lawyer.  (On a side note: A colleague and I were talking one day about how we've experienced the stereotype that some people (most people?) have about lawyers, meaning they think lawyers = money.  Well, if you're a lawyer like my colleague and me, we make no profit until all those loans have been paid off.  And the last time I checked, I think the payment plan is thirty years?  Hmmm ... )

But okay, back to the vacation topic.  I knew that working for myself meant no vacation pay, and meant extra-planning to make sure all of my cases were taken care of and my deadlines were all met.  I knew that half my time would be spent on non-billable hours taking care of administrative tasks such as organizing my files, doing my billing, and making sure rent, taxes and insurance were paid.  I knew all of that.  But I didn't mind.  I just promised myself that no matter what, I would make sure that vacation time was included in my calendar.  This year, that didn't happen.

I know I shouldn't beat myself up so much since there were unexpected circumstances that prevented me from taking time off.  Things happen.  But nonetheless, I believe that vacations are important for the soul.  For our well-being.  I believe it allows us to gain perspective.  To reflect.  To re-fuel.  Thus, I believe it's a must item on our to-do list. 

So, I'm once again adding it to mine.  I want this feeling again.  I miss this feeling ...

{photos: mine}

A friend asked me how much time I spend with my creative writing and here (this blog), and that maybe if I didn't write then I could add that time to my vacation time.  She meant well.  But, I told her, how could I not write?  It's my guilty (non-guilty) pleasure.  Writing to me is like reality television to another, in this case, my friends.  They watch reality television to "relax" and "unwind."  Well, I write.  So, no, can't give it up.