no words can describe

Someone once said to me that one day, I'll meet someone I never want to be without.  Someone I don't want to imagine life without.

I didn't believe him.

Because although I have felt unspeakable heartbreak quite a few times, and have cried seemingly endless tears for a few someones, I have always imagined life without.  I could be without.  Even if it hurts.  like.  crazy. 

Maybe it's a product of my parents' divorce.  I developed this natural inclination to foresee and imagine the end of things.  The end of relationships.  I brace and prepare myself for them.

But, something happened. 

Something no words can describe.

A feeling.

I don't want to be without.  I can't imagine without.

It's funny how things happen because at that same moment, the moment that feeling swept through me, I realized what had been missing.  Why I didn't fight for my relationship with L.

And why I keep fighting this unfamiliar feeling that has taken over me.

My grandma always told me that I think a lot.  Rationalize things so much so that it could make sense to me, and the rest of the world.  So that it could be easily defined.  And argued.  My grandfather used to always ask me - how would you be able to prove that in a court of law? 

But love is not like that, my grandma said.  Most of the time Sometimes, it doesn't make sense.  Even to you.  Especially to you.  If I tried to make a case of why I was with your grandfather, I'd lose.  I had a thousand reasons to leave him, but I stayed because of one.  I love him.  And I couldn't imagine life without him.  (My grandfather passed away over eight years ago, and my grandma still can't imagine life without him.) 

Your heart knows, she always said.  But your mind gets in the way.  However, if two people love each other, and are meant to be together, they will be.  The heart always wins. 

She always believed in that.  Have faith, she said.  Trust your heart.  Believe. 


p.s. I can't stop listening to this song from Ryan Adams' latest album.  Click here to listen.  (Thank you, Mr. Knott, for posting!)

Photo: Bella

Trust

"Life is a great mystery to be lived

moment by moment, not a problem

to be solved once and for all."

(Jackson Kiddard)

Life does throw us curveballs.  Maybe to wake us up?  Make us move?  Take action?  Live.

It's been a rough couple of days.  And today just put the icing on the cake of BAD.  When it rains, it pours, right?  That's how the saying goes?  

But as rough as it has been, and as bad as today was, I'm once again reminded of how beautiful life is in all its trials and intricacies.  I'm surrounded by love and goodness. 

I'm a firm believer that everything happens for a reason.  Even the things that hurt us.  Because in time, it all works out.  Things fall into place.  And we eventually discover the reason why our hearts were broken in the first place.  And why, sometimes, accidents happen.

Okay, I admit, I don't understand why accidents happen.

But I believe that in some strange way, it is to test us.  I think I posted this quote before, but it's one of my favorite from The Alchemist.  I need to be reminded of it again. 

"before a dream is realized, the Soul of the World tests everything

that was learned along the way.  It does this not because it is evil,

but so that we can, in addition to realizing our dreams,

master the lessons we've learned as we've moved toward that dream. 

That's the point at which most people give up.  It's the point at which,

as we say in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just

when the palm trees have appeared on the horizon.'

"Every search begins with beginner's luck.  And every search

ends with the victor's being severely tested."

The boy remembered an old proverb from his country. 

It said that the darkest hour of the night came just before the dawn. 

Life does throw us curveballs.  And bad things happen.  Accidents happen.  But if we keep on going, tomorrow may be a better day.  Tomorrow all our dreams may come true.   

your heart.

"Follow your heart, but be quiet

for a while first.  Ask questions,

then feel the answer.  Learn to

trust your heart."

(Author Unknown - via)

photo: weheartit

some kind of mood.

I must be in some kind of mood.  I woke up at 4 a.m. today, and just could not go back to sleep.  I stayed in bed, staring at the ceiling.  At the walls.  At the empty space next to me...

And instead of watching clips of the Anthony trial, I watched clips of Felicity.  Yes, I must be in some kind of mood.

Felicity talked about a secret language between her and Ben.  A language spoken without words.  A language I know pretty well.

I am in some kind of mood.  Because doing the right thing is sometimes the hardest thing to do. 

But sometimes, we just have to let the pieces fall. 

And trust, that they will be put back together the way they are meant to be. 

I finished The Alchemist.  And out of its many lessons and messages, this one is still my favorite:

"What you still need to know is this: before a dream is realized,

the Soul of the World tests everything that was learned along

the way.  It does this not because it is evil, but so that we can,

in addition to realizing our dreams, master the lessons we've

learned as we've moved toward that dream.  That's the point

at which most people give up.  It's the point at which, as we say

in the language of the desert, one 'dies of thirst just when the palm

trees have appeared on the horizon.' 

"Every search begins with beginner's luck.  And every search

ends with the victor's being severely tested."  

Yep, that's why I'm in some kind of mood.  

you know best.

drown out the noise of the past storms,

and the voices of the well-intentioned.

you know your heart.

you know what it felt.

what it saw.

what it heard.

you know your heart.

when it touched his.

photo: Grace Kathryn

disconnect to connect.

"We are all Pinocchio: we begin our life, waving to our mother and father with our schoolbooks in hand, hoping to do well.  But we are turned this way and that.  We make mistakes, we move from our course, we falter, flounder, and may suffer remorse, rebellion, or a sense of defeat.  We seem to lose our way.  But no matter!  If we keep our little flame alive, our first feeling of enthusiasm of who we are, without the influence or intervention of others, we will prevail.  And like Pinocchio, despite all his transgressions, find the courage to reunite with our little flame and be rewarded.  And the reward is this: we become ourselves.

"The cricket tells Pinocchio, 'Always let your conscience be your guide.'  These words, by a small insignificant insect, give us all we need.  The best person to tell you who you are, what you should be, is ultimately yourself."  

- Patti Smith, "Keeping the Flame"

Thanks to Laura for posting the above quote.  I do believe that God sends us messages in many different forms and media, and well, this was His means today.  You see, its timing couldn't be any more perfect since yesterday I decided I was going to disconnect for awhile.  Disconnect from my everyday world so that I can connect with myself.  I even told the people in my daily life that I was going "in isolation."  I felt that I need some quiet time, alone, to sort some things out.  Sometimes, everything that needs to be said has been said and all the advice and opinion you can get has been gotten, and all there is left to do is listen.  Listen to that voice inside of you.  To your heart.  And let it guide you.  That's what I felt yesterday.  It was so strong that I knew I had to listen.  

So, self, I'm still listening. 

*photo via

trust.

*photo via

the way things happen.

Thanks Anna from Little Reminders of Love for this much needed reminder today:

"Everything that needs to happen, will happen,

in the time that it takes to happen,

the way it was meant to happen. 

You need to trust in that."

(originally via i wrote this for you)

*photo via littlefernista