no words can describe

Someone once said to me that one day, I'll meet someone I never want to be without.  Someone I don't want to imagine life without.

I didn't believe him.

Because although I have felt unspeakable heartbreak quite a few times, and have cried seemingly endless tears for a few someones, I have always imagined life without.  I could be without.  Even if it hurts.  like.  crazy. 

Maybe it's a product of my parents' divorce.  I developed this natural inclination to foresee and imagine the end of things.  The end of relationships.  I brace and prepare myself for them.

But, something happened. 

Something no words can describe.

A feeling.

I don't want to be without.  I can't imagine without.

It's funny how things happen because at that same moment, the moment that feeling swept through me, I realized what had been missing.  Why I didn't fight for my relationship with L.

And why I keep fighting this unfamiliar feeling that has taken over me.

My grandma always told me that I think a lot.  Rationalize things so much so that it could make sense to me, and the rest of the world.  So that it could be easily defined.  And argued.  My grandfather used to always ask me - how would you be able to prove that in a court of law? 

But love is not like that, my grandma said.  Most of the time Sometimes, it doesn't make sense.  Even to you.  Especially to you.  If I tried to make a case of why I was with your grandfather, I'd lose.  I had a thousand reasons to leave him, but I stayed because of one.  I love him.  And I couldn't imagine life without him.  (My grandfather passed away over eight years ago, and my grandma still can't imagine life without him.) 

Your heart knows, she always said.  But your mind gets in the way.  However, if two people love each other, and are meant to be together, they will be.  The heart always wins. 

She always believed in that.  Have faith, she said.  Trust your heart.  Believe. 


p.s. I can't stop listening to this song from Ryan Adams' latest album.  Click here to listen.  (Thank you, Mr. Knott, for posting!)

Photo: Bella