on writing + passion and love

What my evenings look like.

I've come to realize that heartache is my muse.

Not a great muse, but my muse nonetheless.

I'm determined to finish this novel.

It is taking much too long, but it has been an insightful journey.

I've learned a lot about myself in this process.

And I know that there are still much more to be learned.

Our passions don't ever die.

They may become dormant for awhile,

but they are there waiting to be awakened.

That's love.

You can't give up on it

Because no matter how dim it has become,

you know it's there.  It's in you.

You just have to realize it.

Starting over

Yesterday was about letting go.  And today is about starting over.  This picture was taken from my hike earlier.  It reminds me that no matter what I'm going through, the sun sets beautifully and will rise just the same.

writing day

Twelve hours later, 

ten pages completed 

and ready to be submitted.  

Inspired again.  

I guess, all I needed was a full writing day.  

And I'm back on track.

Sometimes, we just need to ride out the funk, and wait for it to pass.

Because it eventually does.  Always.

the muse

I haven't worked on my novel in awhile.  It feels as if I haven't worked on anything creative in a long time.  My brain is devoid of ideas and imagination.

When I was a kid, I loved to make up stories and act them out.  In fact, before I wanted to be a lawyer or a writer, I wanted to be an actress.  A dancer.  A performer of stories.  And I just made up a whole lot of things.  I had an imagination that was on constant overdrive.

But lately, in fact, for quite awhile now, I've had this block where my imagination once roamed freely.  I have even lost the desire to tell a story.

And yet, I want to feel the need to tell a story again.

So, I decided to go back and read the original excerpts of my novel.  The diary-like entries that were written while I was in the midst of the heartbreak I was writing about.  Those pieces were the real thing.  The raw emotions that inspired the story.  My muse.  I thought that if I wanted to finish my novel, I needed to remember those feelings.  Feel.  Them.  Again.

But, as I read page after page, I felt ... nothing.  I wasn't overcome with nostalgia.  I wasn't overcome with sadness over this significant heartbreak.  I wasn't overcome with feelings of regret and loss.  I didn't feel anything.  But, honestly, a little bored.  I didn't even feel bad for the old me that went through that significant heartbreak that made it difficult to breathe at times.  Nothing.

Time does heal our wounds.  Even very deep ones.  And it is possible to get over someone.  It is possible to have loved and lost, and moved on.  

And so, maybe this is the best time to go back to that story.  Because now, I can work on it from a purely creative perspective, rather than the perspective of the heartbroken in need of therapeutic venting.  I can practice using my imagination once again.  Refuel my creative energy.

My mind is still devoid of ideas and imagination though.  So, how do I work through that?

Listen to some U2.  This song does it for me all the time.  Never fails.  

Bono is my muse.

    

a little rant ... and this "Maybe"

I've been wanting to write a meaningful post.  Filled with substance and at least, a little bit of sass.  But my brain feels depleted.  Or should I say, defeated?  Well, hopefully, I'll snap out of it soon enough.  In the meantime, I've been looking through my archive of old blogs and emails and found this.  Thought I'd share ...

Maybe

Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, oftentimes, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you only have one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.

Maybe there are moments in life when you miss someone - a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child - so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.  We should all have one.

Maybe you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes.  If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back.  Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive.  Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.  Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.  Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

And the last maybe - when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.  Maybe you should try to live your life so that when you die, you are the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Love is not about finding the perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.


On March 16, 2007, I wrote on my blog that I really needed these words.  It was in the morning so, I guess, I wasn't having a very good start to my day.  But now, it's almost six years later, and it's pretty late at night, and these words impact me in a different way.  It's not fulfilling a need but more like a confirmation.  

2013.

I've always been a list-person.  And a resolutions person.  I usually spend at least a week in December thinking about my new year's resolutions so I can write them down on January 1st.  But, it's now four days into the year, and I haven't written a thing down.

This year I decided that I was going to make only one resolution, and instead make a list of goals.  My resolution?  To do better.  Do better in my career.  Do better with my novel writing.  Do better in my relationships.  Do better with organizing my schedule.  Just do better.

As for my goals, it's quite a list ... some small, and some big.  But, I'm excited because if there's anything 2012 taught me is that I can change my life.  Get out of my comfort zone.  Face my fears.  Open my heart.  And the result is a changed me.  A changed life.

I read this while surfing the Internet and thought it's worth sharing here:

"Make New Year's goals.  Dig within, and discover what you would like to have happen in your life this year.  This helps you do your part.  It is an affirmation that you're interested in fully living life in the year to come.

"Goals give us direction.  They put a powerful force into play on a universal, conscious, and subconscious level.  Goals give our life direction.

"What would you like to have happen in your life this year?  What would you like to do, to accomplish?  What good would you like to attract into your life?  What particular areas of growth would you like to have happen to you?  What blocks, or character defects, would you like to have removed?

"What would you like to attain?  Little things and big things?  Where would you like to go?  What would you like to have happen in friendship and love?  What would you like to have happen in your family life?

"What problems would you like to see solved?  What decisions would you like to make?  What would you like to happen in your career?

"Write it down.  Take a piece of paper, a few hours of your time, and write it all down - as an affirmation of you, your life, and your ability to choose.  Then let it go.

"The new year stands before us, like a chapter in a book, waiting to be written.  We can help write that story by setting goals."

-- Melody Beattie, The Language of Letting Go: Hazelden Meditation Series

the vow to risk

"Ultimately, there comes a moment when a decision must be made.

Ultimately, two people who love each other must ask themselves

how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how

much risk they are willing to take.  It is indeed a fearful gamble.

Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something

which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

"To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take. 

If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people

think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move

into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent;

into that love which is not possession, but participation.  It takes a lifetime

to learn another person.  When love is not possession, but participation,

then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and

which implies such risk that it is often rejected."

~ Madeleine L'Engle, The Irrational Season"

Let's not reject it.

Take the risk, my love.

Madness

I ... I can't get these memories out of my mind.
And some kind of madness
Has started to evolve.

And I ... I tried so hard to let you go.
But some kind of madness
Is swallowing me whole, yeah.

I have finally seen the light.
And I ... have finally realized
What you mean.

And now, I need to know is this real love
Or is it just madness
Keeping us afloat?

And when I look back, at all the crazy fights we had,
Like some kind of madness
Was taking control.

And now I have finally seen the light,
And I ... have finally realized,
What you need.

And now I have finally seen the end,
(Finally seen the end)
And I'm ... I'm expecting you to care,
(Expecting you to care)
And I ... have finally seen the light,
(Finally seen the light)
And I ... have finally realized,
(Realized)

I need to love
I need to love

Come to me,
Trust in your dream,
Come on and rescue me.
Yes, I know, I can't be wrong
Baby, you're too head-strong
Our love is ....

Ma-ma-ma-mad-mad-madness.


I think I've mentioned more than enough times how I listen to music when I write, and how I even create "soundtracks" for my stories.  So, anyhow, the other day, I was in my car and this song came on.  I've heard it before but never really listened to it until that day.  I guess it came on at just the right time as I was going over a scene from my book in my head, and well, I have to be honest here and say that lately, I've had a hard time writing.  I've been stuck on fragmented scenes.  They're not flowing.  I know it's because I've been really busy with work so the book has been in the back burner for awhile, but I'm trying really hard to not let it stay there too long because I know how difficult it is to go back to it.  Thus, when I'm in my car, and can't do any legal work, I brainstorm.  I write in my head.  But for awhile, I had been going over the same fragmented, shallow scenes in circles.  I hit a wall.  I just had scenes with not much emotion.  And I need emotions!  I need to feel it to write it.  And I hadn't been feeling it.  Then, this song came on.  And bam!  I heard.  I finally listened.  To the music.  To the words.  And the scene just came together.  It's as if this song was written for my character.  And I saw it, I heard it ... playing during that turning point in her story when she finally realized what she had been doing wrong, and she finally saw what she needed to do: love him.

But, loving him can mean many things.  So, you'd have to read the book to find out what that means for her.  :)

By the way, I love this song. 

you learn

Barcelona circa 2003

You Learn  by Jorge Luis Borges

After a while you learn the subtle difference

Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning

And company doesn't mean security.

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts

And presents aren't promises.

And you begin to accept your defeats

With your head up and your eyes open

With the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child,

And you learn to build all your roads on today

Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans

And futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After a while you learn ...

That even sunshine burns if you get too much.

So you plant your garden and decorate your own soul,

Instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.

And you learn that you really can endure...

That you really are strong

And you really do have worth ...

And you learn and learn ...

With every goodbye you learn.

life is short.

Happy Monday!  It's the last week of August!  Time flies.  So, be happy today.  :) 

twenty seconds.

Sunset in Idyllwild.

There's something I've been wanting to do.  For a long, long time. 

And you know what?  I'm finally doing it. 

I got my twenty seconds of insane courage.  :)


p.s. This is to my childhood best friend "Jude."  He's the Charlie and Sam of my life.  (Clue: Read Perks of Being a Wallflower.) 

He used to always sing this song to me:

Thank you, Jude.  I'll love you always.  - Your twin from another star, your eternal soul mate.

and why i chose fiction.

"- everything is fiction.  When you tell yourself the story of your life, the story of your day, you edit and rewrite and weave a narrative out of a collection of random experiences and events.  Your conversations are fiction.  Your friends and loved ones - they are characters you have created.  And your arguments with them are like meetings with an editor - please, they beseech you, you beseech them, rewrite me.  You have a perception of the way things are, and you impose it on your memory, and in this way you think, in the same way that I think, that you are living something that is describable.  When of course, what we actually live, what we actually experience - with our senses and our nerves - is a vast, absurd, beautiful, ridiculous chaos.

"So I love hearing from people who have no time for fiction.  Who read only biographies and popular science.  I love hearing about the death of the novel.  I love getting lectures about the triviality of fiction, the triviality of making things up.  As if that wasn't what all of us do, all day long, all life long.  Fiction gives us everything.  It gives us our memories, our understanding, our insight, our lives.  We use it to invent ourselves and others.  We use it to feel change and sadness and hope and love and to tell each other about ourselves.  And we all, it turns out, know how to do it."  (Everything is Fiction, by Keith Ridgway, The New Yorker.) 

If you want to read the entire article, click here. 

a look back: crossroads

I'm sitting here trying to write a query/pitch letter for my book as an assignment for class.  But I feel stuck.  I don't know what to write.  So, I started browsing through old blog posts, and I came across this post I wrote on August 22, 2010 - almost two years ago.  I think it's poignant for what I've been going through lately, so, I thought I'd re-post it.  Birthdays have a way of making me nostalgic, and sometimes, question the decisions I've made.  But, reading this, I realized, that the choices we make shouldn't confine us.  They don't confine us.  Because we are always at a crossroads.  We will always be faced with choices, where we have to make a decision - one or the other.  Or maybe later.  But, that's the exciting thing about life, I think.  We don't really know what is behind Door A or Door B, until we go through one.  Or the other.

crossroads

The other day, my friend asked me if I regret going to law school. She asked if I could go back in time, would I do it all over again?

We were talking about writing at that time. She is one of the few people in my life with whom I share my passion for writing.

So, I told her the truth. Yes. I would. I would still go to law school. Even knowing how difficult law school was (is), and how that first year was miserable, I would still do it all over again.

Because the thing is, even though I constantly write (here) about how I just want to be a writer, well, I also wanted to be a lawyer. And glad that I am.

Ten years ago, I made the decision to go to law school. But it was not a decision I made hastily. I really thought about it. A lot. I took two years off after college to think about it. And by thinking about it, I did the two things I loved. I worked in a law office doing the only area of law I really wanted to practice. And I wrote. I took screenwriting classes, worked as a reader for a producer, and I wrote. At the end of the two years, I chose law school.

I shared with my friend how the summer before I started school, the producer I was working for told me that he set up a meeting with someone (another producer) who was interested in hearing about the screenplay I was writing. Talk about decisions. Opportunities. Crossroads. But well, being 25 and a little immature for my age (not to mention intimidated and scared), I made the decision not to go. I didn't even finish the screenplay. And for a long time after I wondered what would have happened if this producer had read my screenplay, liked it, and made something (ah, a movie) out of it. Would I have still gone to law school?

And the answer I always came up with was yes.* Because I love the practice of law. Although my grandma often tells me how she doesn't like the profession I chose (because of course, I don't get to spend as much time with her as I would like, as well), I love what I do. I believe in what I do. Yes, I work a lot. Do I feel that I oftentimes miss out on parties and dinners and special occasions? Of course. Do I feel bad? Absolutely. But I also know that a part of life is taking responsibility for our choices. Being an attorney is taking responsibility for my cases - my clients. And if that means having to work even when I'd rather be doing anything other than that, I have to. (And who is to say that I would not be as busy if I chose a career in writing?)

Life is a constant decision. Some decisions are small. Some big. Some life-changing. I think back at my 25 year old self, and although I still think I was quite immature for my age, I also think that even in my immature state, I knew that just because I chose one (law school) did (does) not mean I can't one day pursue the other (writing). Maybe a meeting with a producer would not come as easily now as it did then. But again, who knows? Maybe a better opportunity awaits me later. Whatever my reasons, I just knew that I needed to be a lawyer first. That going to law school and being a lawyer was something I needed to do. Then. And now. So, I don't regret my decision. Not at all.

*So, I know that the decision not to meet with the producer was more because I just wasn't ready to be a writer then. But I think I am now.

another thursday tune.

Sorry for all the music posts.  But when I write, I always look for music to inspire me.  To evoke certain images and emotions that I want to convey.  (I even make soundtracks for my stories.  And my characters.) 

Anyhow, Ben Harper has this voice that makes me want to close my eyes, and just sway.  Surrender to the music.  And when I do, the story just comes to me.

I found this cover that Ben Harper did.  And wow!  That's all I can say.  But, I can write for another couple of hours. :) 

Follow Your Passion

I wasn't going to take another writing class until Fall because I wanted to give myself a break, i.e. focus on work.  Then, during Sunday's service about facing the future, about putting things off for a tomorrow that might not be there, I decided, I've put off my writing long enough.  I've ran out of excuses why I shouldn't just do it. 

So, there I was, in class, late last night, tired from a long, eventful weekend and a long Monday at the office.  I know that the reason I didn't want to take another class for awhile was because I was afraid of exhausting myself, spreading myself too thin, and failing.  At everything.  Because I've spread myself too thin.

But, then I remembered, I've done worst than this.  Worked two or three jobs at a time while carrying a full load at school.  Writing poems and short stories at 3 a.m. while I had to be at work four hours later.  Working eight hours a day, then going to class, only to return to work for another couple of hours.  I know I wasn't an attorney then.  I have more responsibilities now and much more at stake.  But again, I also have years of maturity and wisdom that I didn't have at 21.   

The thing is, I told my best friend yesterday during the drive to class, I've put off a lot of things.  Waiting for a certain life that just didn't or hasn't happened.  And there's nothing I can do about that or the time I wasted waiting.  But, I can do something about this.  Right now.  And I just don't want to put it off anymore.  I love to write.  I love to create with words.  I love seeing a story evolve on paper.  I love taking something as simple as a coffee mug and creating a story about it.  I love being able to describe the wrinkles on my character's dress and how it got there.  I love that I can find a story in everything.   

I love art.  It's what fuels the fire inside of me.  And honestly, for a long time, that fire was dead.  I felt dead.  But now, since I started taking these writing classes, being around writers, and just the mere fact that I'm writing, I feel alive again.  Back in my skin.

But I also understand where my dear loved ones are coming from.  They worry that something else has occupied my time.  For years, they competed with law school and then, my job.  And the fact that I'm super-busy also means less of a social life.  Thus, they really worry.  But, I repeated the pastor's sermon: Don't be anxious for nothing.  Don't be anxious about tomorrow.

And, in my own words, I reassured them, I shall not be idle.  And as absurd as this may sound, God has always told me, I'm going to marry an artist.

photo via

best pieces of advice i've heard lately

Focus on the things that you do have,

instead of the things you don't.

Focus on the things you can do something about,

and let go of the rest.

Forget the "could've beens" and "should be's,"

and see what is.

Stop punishing yourself for someone else's choices.

Stop punishing yourself for your past choices.

Those moments are gone.

There are new choices to be made.

Be patient.

Writing. And life.

Replica of how I look most nights and mornings these last couple of weeks.
Minus the fancy wardrobe and decor, of course.  And the beautiful curls.
 

Last night was the last day of my writing class series.  And before we all parted, we read this quote by Anne Lamott:

"E.L. Doctorow once said that 'Writing a novel is like driving a car at night.  You can see only as far as your headlights, but you can make the whole trip that way.'  You don't have to see where you're going, you don't have to see your destination or everything you will pass along the way.  You just have to see two or three feet ahead of you.  This is right up there with the best advice on writing, or life, I have heard." (Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life)

This morning, as I carried my multiple book bags (one filled with client files and the other with notebooks filled with drafts of my story), down the stairs of my apartment, this feeling came over me - I have no idea what tomorrow or the next day or the next week or the next year will bring.  I can fall flat on my face.  Completely fail.  Have people hate my work.  Never get anything published.  I can try and fail.  And feel horrible.  And rejected.  Or I can not try at all so that I never have to feel that sense of rejection and failure.  But, I want to keep trying.  I want to keep writing.  I want to keep doing this.  Right now, I'm just loving this process.  Of writing again.  Of being immersed in this world of writers.  And right now, I'm just going to embrace that as much as I can. 

I'm leaving it up to God to take care of tomorrow. 

photo via Everything Lovely

(disclaimer: Not a picture of me.  But I wished I looked that lovely while I'm in the midst of work.)

You have to believe.

This is what I tell myself whenever I hear the LOUD doubts and disbeliefs that follow

whenever I gush about being a published writer one day:

"You have to believe.

Otherwise, it will never happen."

Neil Gaiman, Stardust



photo via Becca

on failure and imagination

Thanks to Laura for posting this.  My favorite parts -

on failure:
"failure meant a stripping away of the inessential.  I stopped pretending to myself that I was anything other than what I was, and began to direct all my energy into finishing the only work that mattered to me.  Had I really succeeded at anything else, I might never have found the determination to succeed in the one arena I believed I truly belonged.  I was set free, because my greatest fear had been realised, and I was still alive, and I still had a daughter whom I adored, and I had an old typewriter and a big idea.  And so rock bottom became the solid foundation on which I rebuilt my life.

"You might never fail on the scale I did, but some failure in life is inevitable.  It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all - in which case, you fail by default.

"Failure gave me an inner security that I had never attained by passing examinations.  Failure taught me things about myself that I could have learned no other way.  I discovered that I had a strong will, and more discipline than I had suspected; I also found out that I had friends whose value was truly above the price of rubies.

"The knowledge that you have emerged wiser and stronger from setbacks means that you are, ever after, secure in your ability to survive.  You will never truly know yourself, or the  strength of your relationships, until both have been tested by adversity.  Such knowledge is a true gift, for all that is painfully won, and it has been worth more than any qualification I ever earned."

on imagination:
"Imagination is not only the uniquely human capacity to envision that which is not, and therefore the fount of all invention and innovation.  In its arguably most transformative and revelatory capacity, it is the power that enables us to emphathise with humans whose experiences we have never shared."

"Unlike any other creature on this planet, humans can learn and understand, without having experienced.  They can think themselves into other people's places.

"Of course, this is a power, like my brand of fictional magic, that is morally neutral.  One might use such an ability to manipulate, or control, just as much as to understand or sympathise.

"And many prefer not to exercise their imaginations at all.  They choose to remain comfortably within the bounds of their own experience, never troubling to wonder how it would feel to have been born other than they are.  They can refuse to hear screams or to peer inside cages; they can close their minds and hearts to any suffering that does not touch them personally; they can refuse to know.

"I might be tempted to envy people who can live that way, except that I do not think they have any fewer nightmares than I do.  Choosing to live in narrow spaces leads to a form of mental agoraphobia, and that brings its own terrors.  I think the wilfully unimaginative see more monsters.  They are often more afraid.

"What is more, those who choose not to emphathise enable real monsters.  For without ever committing an act of outright evil ourselves, we collude with it, through our own apathy.

"One of the many things I learned at the end of that Classics corridor down which I ventured at the age of 18, in search of something I could not then define, was this, written by the Greek author Plutarch: What we achieve inwardly will change outer reality."


You can get the whole text of the speech here.

it makes sense

Avignon, France
May 2008

"Being free implies choosing your path, and each step can change our destiny - what's very frightening sometimes.  But today, looking back, I see that my days were perfect: whatever I needed came exactly when I needed it.  At the time, all I needed was to read for five years.  I did it and that was essential for me.

"As Schopenhauer says, when you see what you have overcome, you have the impression that you have followed a plot that had already been written.  However, at the moment of action, you seem to be lost in a storm: surprise after surprise, and many times with no time to breathe, having to make decisions all the time.  Only later will you understand that each surprise, each decision, made sense."  ~ Joseph Campbell (See entire article here.)

I've been reading old posts from this blog, and posts from my old blog before I started this one.  Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I was chronicling my journey to here - the present I was struggling to get to.  And it is quite amazing to see that everything does come together.  Decisions, feelings, actions that didn't make sense at the time now do.  It's easy to say if only I knew better then or I wish I knew this then, but you see, we wouldn't be where we are now if we didn't go through the then.  I needed to go through all the messiness, the storms, the heartbreaks and mistakes (so many mistakes!) to get to here.  And here isn't the end either.  There will be more.  As long as I'm breathing, as long as you're breathing, we have to deal with the here, the now.  But what I've finally learned is to be present for it.  To be present in the here.  To embrace it.  Who cares if I said all the wrong things yesterday (or eight years ago)?  I have an opportunity today, right now, to say the right things. 

Let's not allow this moment to pass us by ... I am so in love with this song.  And with right now.  :)