Grateful.

It has been quite a year. I can't believe it's almost over. Time just flies. And that's why I believe it's important to embrace every moment - good or bad.

Although I have to admit, I'm not always very good with remembering that. For example, when I'm stuck in traffic on the 405, sometimes, I just become this angry person, and I have to talk myself out of every awful thought that tries to enter my head. But, when I finally calm down, after praying to God for patience, I remember, I'm blessed. I'm blessed to have a car to drive, an office to go to, and good health to be able to get up in the morning. When I remember those things, peace sets in my heart, and then, I try to use that time on the road, to be thankful. It's hard, especially when I'm exhausted, but then, sometimes, it's the only time I get to reflect, think, and to talk to God.

And this Thanksgiving, I'm foremost thankful for God's presence in my life. For the restoration of hope, and strengthening of faith. Like I said, it has been quite a year. Full of lessons. And really hard messages. Especially the last couple of months. But the amazing thing is that I've never felt more at peace. And more happy. Because I've let go trying to control and manipulate the course of my life. My daily prayer is that I recognize God's purpose for my life, and that the decisions I make that day lead me towards the life He had planned for me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I pray that you find something to be grateful for everyday.

Hello, October!

October is one of my favorite months.  Maybe because I was conceived in October.  (Okay, not something I really want to think about, but there is something about this month that just speaks to me.)  The last couple of weeks have been ... sort of weird.  But, I believe God has a way of speaking to us in different ways.  And some of those ways can be through heartbreak or disappointments.  I might not always like the message or the lesson, but I trust that He knows better than I do.  And in many ways, that's comforting.  Because if I got everything I had wished or prayed for, my life may be a mess.  And not a beautiful one.

I heard that God has three answers for our prayers: yes, no, or not right now.  I've gotten a lot of "nos", but I have a feeling that it's because a big "yes" is waiting around the corner.  And I wouldn't recognize it, or appreciate it as much, if I hadn't gotten all those nos.

Anyhow, since October is one of my favorite months, is's no surprise that fall is my favorite season.  Although I'm slightly very disappointed I won't be making it to NY this fall, I thought I'd embrace the season here.  I think I'm meant to.

So, hello October!  I'm ready for a whole new season.
 

Don't Stop Believing

Turn your broken heart into a success story.  

God doesn't give you trials you can't handle.

Our bad days remind us to appreciate good ones.

That there will be a good one.  Many.

So this too shall pass.

In the meantime, go for that run.

Believe.

Starting over

Yesterday was about letting go.  And today is about starting over.  This picture was taken from my hike earlier.  It reminds me that no matter what I'm going through, the sun sets beautifully and will rise just the same.

a little rant ... and this "Maybe"

I've been wanting to write a meaningful post.  Filled with substance and at least, a little bit of sass.  But my brain feels depleted.  Or should I say, defeated?  Well, hopefully, I'll snap out of it soon enough.  In the meantime, I've been looking through my archive of old blogs and emails and found this.  Thought I'd share ...

Maybe

Maybe God wanted us to meet the wrong people before meeting the right one so that when we finally meet the right person, we will know how to be grateful for that gift.

Maybe when the door of happiness closes, another opens; but, oftentimes, we look so long at the closed door that we don't even see the new one which has been opened for us.

Maybe it is true that we don't know what we have until we lose it, but it is also true that we don't know what we have been missing until it arrives.

Maybe the happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make the most of everything that comes along their way.

Maybe the brightest future will always be based on a forgotten past; after all, you can't go on successfully in life until you let go of your past mistakes, failures and heartaches.

Maybe you should dream what you want to dream; go where you want to go; be what you want to be, because you only have one life and one chance to do all the things you dream of and want to do.

Maybe there are moments in life when you miss someone - a parent, a spouse, a friend, a child - so much that you just want to pick them from your dreams and hug them for real.

Maybe the best kind of friend is the kind you can sit on a porch and swing with, never say a word, and then walk away feeling like it was the best conversation you've ever had.  We should all have one.

Maybe you should always try to put yourself in others' shoes.  If you feel that something could hurt you, it probably will hurt the other person, too.

Maybe you should do something nice for someone every single day, even if it is simply to leave them alone.

Maybe giving someone all your love is never an assurance that they will love you back.  Don't expect love in return; just wait for it to grow in their heart; but, if it doesn't, be content that it grew in yours.

Maybe happiness waits for all those who cry, all those who hurt, all those who have searched, and all those who have tried, for only they can appreciate the importance of all the people who have touched their lives.

Maybe you shouldn't go for looks; they can deceive.  Don't go for wealth; even that fades away.  Go for someone who makes you smile, because it takes only a smile to make a dark day seem bright.  Find the one that makes your heart smile.

Maybe you should hope for enough happiness to make you sweet, enough trials to make you strong, enough sorrow to keep you human, and enough hope to make you happy.

And the last maybe - when you were born, you were crying and everyone around you was smiling.  Maybe you should try to live your life so that when you die, you are the one who is smiling and everyone around you is crying.

Love is not about finding the perfect person, it's about learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.


On March 16, 2007, I wrote on my blog that I really needed these words.  It was in the morning so, I guess, I wasn't having a very good start to my day.  But now, it's almost six years later, and it's pretty late at night, and these words impact me in a different way.  It's not fulfilling a need but more like a confirmation.  

a look back at 2012

It's been quite a year ... wonderful at its best.  And at its ... sad times.  Because I can't really say this was a bad year.  I was sad for awhile but overall, it was a really, really good year.

I was thinking about what the theme of this year has been, and the image that keeps coming to mind is a big wall that collapses down, thus, I call it the "breakdown of walls".  I've been told many times that I had these big walls around me, and that always made me sad because I didn't mean to put up such big walls that no one can get through.  Anyhow, this year, I really worked on breaking down those walls and learning to trust that I'll be okay without them.

Last night, after the movie, my friend and I had dinner and were reflecting on the past year.  I should say, the last ten years for me.  And she confirmed that I did it.  I broke the walls.  And I'm okay without them.  I'm more than okay.  I'm happy.

Anyhow, I think sometimes pictures have a better way of summing things up, so here's just a few of my 2012 adventures:

Secret Stairs hikes

Exploring L.A.

March madness

A new addition to the family!

SF/Napa Trip

Resolved.

Summer fun!

Living the dream.

Happy New Year, everyone!  Have an amazing and blessed 2013.  May it be filled with many awesome moments!

I've learned ...

View from Battery Park City.

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today,

life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow.  I've learned that you

can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things:

a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights.  I've learned

that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when

they're gone from your life.  I've learned that making a 'living' is not the same

thing as making a 'life.'  I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second

chance.  I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt 

on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back.  I've learned 

that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right 

decision.  I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one.  

I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone.  

People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back.  I've learned that 

I still have a lot to learn.  I've learned that people will forget what you said, 

people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."

~ Maya Angelou

the vow to risk

"Ultimately, there comes a moment when a decision must be made.

Ultimately, two people who love each other must ask themselves

how much they hope for as their love grows and deepens, and how

much risk they are willing to take.  It is indeed a fearful gamble.

Because it is the nature of love to create, a marriage itself is something

which has to be created, so that, together we become a new creature.

"To marry is the biggest risk in human relations that a person can take. 

If we commit ourselves to one person for life this is not, as many people

think, a rejection of freedom; rather it demands the courage to move

into all the risks of freedom, and the risk of love which is permanent;

into that love which is not possession, but participation.  It takes a lifetime

to learn another person.  When love is not possession, but participation,

then it is part of that co-creation which is our human calling, and

which implies such risk that it is often rejected."

~ Madeleine L'Engle, The Irrational Season"

Let's not reject it.

Take the risk, my love.

life in pictures: winter 2012

January

February

Lake Hollywood

March

sometimes, all it takes is putting one foot in front of the other ...

and before you know, you'll be right where you belong.

running

Next month will be a year since my car accident.  Almost a year since I ran. 

So, yesterday, during my afternoon walk, I decided to give it a try.  Run, I told myself.  Be brave.  You can do it.  You're okay, now.  The doctor cleared me months and months ago.  I just had not felt the same.  And honestly, I was scared to run.  To push myself physically.      

But, then, I did.  Slowly, I broke into a jog and next thing I knew, I found my rhythm and I was running again.
 
And it felt exhilirating.  I didn't realize how much I missed it until I actually felt the rush of energy in my lungs and the wind against my face.  The feel of the concrete under my feet. 

Even though I've been walking a lot, there's something different about running.  And I had forgotten that difference until now.  When I run I feel connected to every single muscle inside of me.  I feel connected to the ground as my feet pounces on the concrete and I hear the sound of its welcome greeting.  I feel connected to the wind as we constantly collide with one another. 

And I wonder, had it always been that way?  Did running always make me feel freer, happier and more alive?

Perhaps, I've stayed away from it long enough to recognize it.  Maybe that time apart was needed.  So, I could once again appreciate all it had to offer.  So, I could appreciate how much I loved it.  And how much I needed it.

Now, I can't wait for my next run.  :)  

it's possible.

 a gem in the neighborhood.

It's possible, you know. 

To wake up one day and realize that you're living your dream. 

That there's nothing you'd take back or do over

because you're happy with where you're at.

And you know that you got there (here)

because of the path you took,

because of the things and people

that touched you along the way.

some things to smile about

The rain. 

The sky just before the sun sets. 

This song.

Green smoothies.

Second chances.

(the possibility of a second chance)

Forgiveness.

Family.

A church family.

Love.

This quote:

"Love will break you.  Nobody can protect you from that,

and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break

you with its yearning.  You have to love.  You have to

feel.  It is the reason you are here on earth.  You are here

to risk your heart.  You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed,

or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit

by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all

around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.  Tell

yourself you tasted as many as you could."

(Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum)

wishes come true

Had quite a weekend!  I'm finally home, with my feet up, and ready to go to bed.  Had been running around all day on two-hour sleep.  Yesterday was my niece's baby shower, so was on my feet all day long: setting up, taking pictures, organizing games, and trying to fit in meaningful-conversations in between.  Then, for some insane reason, I decided I wasn't tired enough so, after the baby shower (after more running around cleaning up), I met up with friends for dinner, and had an all-night chat fest.  My friends and I finally went to bed at 4:15 a.m., but I was up 2 hours later, so I can go to church, and then, spend the rest of the afternoon helping my niece prepare her room for the baby.

I'm tired, but happy.  I realized that nothing makes me happier than spending time with my favorite people: my family, especially my niece and nephew.  We laugh together.  After a long, rough couple of weeks, nothing is better than hearing my nephew tell stories, my brothers and I reminiscing, my niece and I talking, and all of us together - laughing.

So, I had a great weekend!  My only regret: I didn't taste the desserts at the shower.  And they looked delish!


the cake

strawberry cupcake

chocolate cupcake

cake pops

the ensemble

 
Check out the adorable diaper cake from my mom:

 wish list

I know this is wish list Sunday, but today, I'm not posting any photos of things that I wish for.  Today is about wishes coming true.  You see, watching my family gathered together this weekend, talking and laughing together, has made me believe that we grow, we change, and with a lot of love and a lot of faith, wishes come true. 

looking back, finding the answers, and moving on

I've been working on the story.  Y'know, the one I've been "struggling" with the last couple of years.  Anyhow, in my research through drafts of things I've written as part of this story or in relation to the story, I came across these two pieces that I had forgotten about.  But, I believe I was meant to find them today.  Because, like I said, I had forgotten.  And thus, lately, I have been struggling.  But, in reading these, I was reminded.  And I found my answers.  Here they are:

Love The Place You're In
One of my favorite lines from a poem was written by Lynda Hull in "Magical Thinking."  She wrote, "It is common human longing to want utterly to vanish from one life and arrive transformed in another."  I think I was five when I first wished my life to freeze at a certain moment, and everything that occurred thereafter was just a long dream.  The moment was the day before my dog, Sugar, died.  We were playing in front of my grandfather's house - I was the circus master, and Sugar was the acrobatic dog that could walk on a big red ball across the driveway to the yard.  Everyday, for years, after she died, I wished and prayed that her death was just a horrible nightmare.  Perhaps it was then I learned to live my life in memories of the "good ol' days," or in dreaming about an unknown future.  Somehow, this habit of mine kept me from living in the present, and I went through the next twenty-nine years always wanting to live in some other time or some other place.

But, of course, each time I woke up, I was still right where I was when I went to bed.  In Los Angeles.  The city I hated and loved.  The city I had always wanted to leave, and somehow, could never turn my back on.  I realized that each time the city loosened its grip, I would push my way back in and hold on tighter than ever.  I couldn't walk away.  I couldn't let go.

I just came back from vacationing in Europe, where I traveled through Spain, France, and Italy.  While there, I tried to imagine how my life would have been if I had studied abroad during my last year at USC.  I still clearly remember the day I decided not to go to Spain for the Study Abroad Program.  For hours, I sat near the fountain facing Tommy Trojan, rationalizing in my head that it was the right decision because financially, I just couldn't afford it.  Truth: I didn't want to leave my at-that-time-boyfriend.  But when he started becoming mean, and things didn't work out, I resented him for the decision I made.  And when I met J, I regretted my decision even more, and my resentment grew stronger.  I wondered whether I would have met J had I gone, and maybe, things would have been different.  Somehow, it seemed that J and I had so many missed encounters - two wandering souls meant to find each other but never doing so, until that moment in the library.

But during my trip, as I walked through the streets of Sevilla, I realized that J and I weren't meant to meet then, and we are not meant to have a "now" much more a future.  We were just a moment in time, which is now only a memory.  When that realization came, I no longer wished to be at another place or time.  I no longer yearned for the past that held him.  And my need to run away seemed to have disappeared leaving an unfamiliar, but reassuring, sense of stability.  It was, then, I knew I loved the place I was in - on that street corner facing Universidad de Sevilla, the fact that I was there on vacation, and the fact that after two weeks, I would be going home ... to the City of Angels. 

I thought, sometimes, you just have to stand still on a street corner in a foreign city, and let the life you could have lived run through you.  Then, open your eyes to the life you are living, to the moment you're in on that same street corner, where each block in all four directions are just as unfamiliar.  I decided I wasn't going to let the moment pass me by again.  I only have this life to live.  I may only have this moment to see what's in that next corner because who knows what the next moment will bring.  The possibilities are endless, which adds to the beauty of it all.


Message from Barcelona, May 18, 2008
I probably should be doing something else rather than spending time in an Internet cafe, but it's raining outside and I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to email my parents.  Also, I figured this is where "Maya and Dante"* started, so perhaps, this is where it should end.

During my flight to Madrid, where I spent my first three nights in Spain, I anticipated feeling nostalgic, and I feared that I was going to be overcome with "missing-J-syndrome."  I guess it was natural to feel such anticipation since I couldn't help but associate Spain (and a Europe trip in that matter) with memories of him, and with feelings of confusion about an unfamiliar future I was afraid to venture into.

But anyhow, this is not supposed to be about J.  Somehow, reminiscing about him, much more writing about memories we shared, always makes me feel that I'm somehow disrespecting his marriage, which I have no intention of doing.  So, this is about letting go.  Thus, that's why I decided to end the "Maya and Dante" blogs.  Without intending the story to unfold the way it did, it somehow just happened that the last post ends with Maya's own closure because through her story, I found my own closure, too.

I realized that I let J go a long time ago, and what I held on to all this time was the friendship we shared, and the comfort he always gave me.  When we've been hurt, it is only a natural tendency to hold on to what comforts us and what makes us feel better.  When we've been bruised too many times, it's only natural to want to keep close what eases our pain.  Thus, I needed to hold on to him to remind me not to gravitate to old habits of bad and unhealthy relationships.  Because it's easy to gravitate to what is familiar.  No matter how bad.  But J pulled me away from all of that, and it is the comfort he offered that I held on to.  I guess, I didn't trust that I could have the strength to pull myself away from another unhealthy relationship.  I guess, I didn't think I'd recognize when something was bad for me until it was too late.  But I realize now, I can do it on my own: walk away from things that are bad.  Without him to catch me when I fell.

So, I arrived in Madrid, and although the place was familiar with thoughts of him, I was different.  I didn't miss him.  I didn't feel lost and confused.  I don't know how I got to this state of just knowing, and no longer questioning.  But, somehow, I did.  And that, I know I did on my own.

For a long time, I wondered when J turned from the good-looking stranger I had a huge crush on to the friend who caused the end of life as I knew it.  But now, the answer to that doesn't matter so much.  All I need to know is that love happened.

... Most of the time, the answers to the questions that haunts us are really inside our hearts, and we'll find the answers if we only have the courage to look inside.  Love happens when we least expect it.  And that's the beauty of it all. 


*Maya and Dante was my original blog.  It's the story I've been working on.  A story I really finished four years ago.   

after the storm.

Been listening to this by Secret Garden. 

It does get better. 

We need the rain sometimes.  I've noticed that the harder it rains, the bigger the storm, the clearer and brighter the sky looks afterwards.  The light shines through the clouds.  The trees are greener.  The bricks are redder.  The most beautiful days are the ones after the storm.   

clouds + cloud(ed)

I took this picture last Sunday.

It's one out of probably twenty I took of the clouds.

I just love how they fill the sky after the rain.

I wish everyday looked like this.

I've been struggling all afternoon.

After spending all morning in court, I came back into

the office with a dreadful headache.

Not to mention I hurt my neck last night,

and now, I can't turn my head to the right or to the left.

So, instead of working, I've been scrolling through old files, old blog posts,

and old (email) "reminders" I used to send to myself.

I came across this "reminder" I sent on March 30, 2011:

"Just came back from Phoenix.  Remember this: he motivates and inspires me

to be the best possible me.  I love him for that."

I was talking about A, who I've mentioned a couple of times

(though not sure if I've ever referenced him as "A").

But I wrote several posts about him, like here, here, and here. 

A and I are not speaking anymore.

But that has a lot more to do with me than him.

Today, especially after reading the reminders and previous posts,

I wondered why I pushed him out of my life.

Because I miss him everyday.

But, then I read the posts again.

The post about Dexter and Emma (One Day),

and I remembered why I pushed him out of my life.

Self-preservation.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong.

Many days I wish I could take it back.

But, we can't change how we feel.

I can't change mine, and he can't change his.

So, we do what's best for us.

I did what was best for me.

At the time.

I miss him though.

Everyday.

Lucky

"How lucky I am to have something that makes

saying goodbye so hard."

(-A.A. Milne)

photo: jamie {74}

the Good Life

When I need a lift-me-up, I listen to this song.  When I need a reminder that "it's not that bad," I listen to this song.  When I just want a beat to bop-my-head, dance-in-my-chair-to, I put on this song.

I've been in a funny sort of mood all day.  My day started out fine, meaning no hassle: had time to straighten my hair, sit and drink my green smoothie while watching the traffic and weather reports, and still got to court by 8:30 (without running two long blocks in four-inch heels!). 

But then, I heard his name directed at me with a question mark, and all of that changed.  My heart started beating just a little faster, and although I tried to mask my sudden jitters, the turn of my head with every footstep heard from the courtroom door probably made my discomposure obvious.  (And as if the clunking of heels would be his!)  I didn't really think he would walk in, that out of all the courtrooms, he'd come into the one I was in.  But there was an unspoken part of me that wanted to see his face.  Just a glimpse of familiarity.  I didn't see him.  But the mention of his name with mine, the words "we" and "us" once upon a time, were enough to bring back that longing for just the slightest touch of his fingers on mine.

So, I've been listening to this song.  Because I needed a lift-me-up, a reminder that life is actually very good, and these feelings are wonderful and should be cherished -because missing someone also means that we had something special.  To miss.

Yellow.

I am a huge Coldplay fan.  And after seeing them in concert a couple of years ago, my love for them (esp. Chris Martin) was sealed.  And although I absolutely love most of their songs, this song touches me in a different way.  It claimed my heart the moment I heard it.

But, I was a delayed Coldplay fan.  I discovered them after they had already released their first two albums.  I discovered them the summer I was studying for the Bar exam.  I remember I was sitting in my car, in the parking lot of where my review class was held, and trying to concentrate on another set of 10 multiple choice questions, which I routinely did before each class.  But, I couldn't concentrate.  My mind was at the upcoming Bar exam, whether I had time to go to the bank, whether I had money in the bank, my Europe trip after the Bar, and the "boy" I was (unknowingly) falling in love with.  My mind was everywhere except those 10 questions I was supposed to answer.  And then, this song came on the radio.  Immediately, a sweeping calmness came over me.  Everything that was crowding my mind disappeared, and I was left with this song.  And for the first time that summer, everything was clear.  Everything made sense.  My heart spoke, and I heard it.

So, every time I hear this song, I remember that day.  I remember that feeling of clarity.  Of love.  Of undeniable, life-changing, exciting, silly-can't-stop-smiling, breathtaking, don't-want-to-be-without-you kind of love.  The kind of love that needed no words.  Just a look and we knew.  The smile in our eyes said it all.  This song reminds me that kind of love is real.  It is possible.  It exists.

It reminds me that no matter what happened, I became a better person because of that love.  And that I am forever grateful (and feel extremely lucky blessed) to have experienced it.  All.  The confusion, the messiness, the tears, the anger, the disappointments, the heartache, the lowest lows and the highest highs, the excitement, the happiness.  And especially, the laughter.  We laughed.  We talked.  A lot.  But boy, did we laugh.  That's what I remember the most.  How much we laughed. 

I believe people come into our lives for a reason.  He came into mine to make me realize what I needed.  What I wanted.  Every time I hear this song, and I think of him, I remember: the man I marry will be the one who makes me laugh even when my heart is breaking.

this week in rewind + things to be grateful for

Time seems to pass much faster the older we get.  Doesn't it?  February came and went.  Just like that. 

But, this week, I thought, rather than thinking, "geez, it's already March," probably the way to look at it is, wow, it's only March!  Because truth is, a lot has happened since the start of the year.  A lot has happened since the first of February.  Life is ever-moving.  Each new day brings in new possibilities.  New discoveries.  New beginnings.  And endings.  I am in love with life.  And I fall deeper and deeper in love with it everyday. 

At the start of this year, I told myself, that despite the heavy weight on my heart, I will begin and end every day with thank you.  But, of course, there are days when I don't feel very grateful.  I had a lot of those days (moments) this week.  Especially the latter part of the week.  But, I willed myself to sit still, even for just a few minutes, and take a hard look at life, my life, and I realized there is much to be grateful for every day.  Even on my bad days.  During Wednesday's prayer meeting, one of the boys said he was grateful for just being there.  His friend passed away on Monday.  He just didn't wake up.  They were playing football Sunday afternoon, he experienced chest pains Sunday night, and his parents were going to take him to the doctor on Monday.  But he didn't wake up.  He was eighteen years old.  

So, I'm grateful for this morning.  The ability to write this post.   

And, I'm grateful for ...

... this song.  Mat Kearney has been a comforting companion this week.

... the realization that although friendships change (painfully), as well, and someone who was once your best friend can turn into a fleeting presence in your life, there is someone else who gladly takes her place, and becomes the person whose words make everything better. 

... Annie Hall.  Someone once told me that he was surprised I had never seen this movie because it's definitely a movie I'd love.  I watched it for the first time on Friday night.  He was right.  It's my recent addition to my list of favorite movies.

... beautiful weather, beautiful views and long walks.

Los Feliz - Griffith Park Loop

Distance: 3.8 miles

Steps: 463

Happy Sunday, everyone!  Enjoy your day.