Grateful.

It has been quite a year. I can't believe it's almost over. Time just flies. And that's why I believe it's important to embrace every moment - good or bad.

Although I have to admit, I'm not always very good with remembering that. For example, when I'm stuck in traffic on the 405, sometimes, I just become this angry person, and I have to talk myself out of every awful thought that tries to enter my head. But, when I finally calm down, after praying to God for patience, I remember, I'm blessed. I'm blessed to have a car to drive, an office to go to, and good health to be able to get up in the morning. When I remember those things, peace sets in my heart, and then, I try to use that time on the road, to be thankful. It's hard, especially when I'm exhausted, but then, sometimes, it's the only time I get to reflect, think, and to talk to God.

And this Thanksgiving, I'm foremost thankful for God's presence in my life. For the restoration of hope, and strengthening of faith. Like I said, it has been quite a year. Full of lessons. And really hard messages. Especially the last couple of months. But the amazing thing is that I've never felt more at peace. And more happy. Because I've let go trying to control and manipulate the course of my life. My daily prayer is that I recognize God's purpose for my life, and that the decisions I make that day lead me towards the life He had planned for me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I pray that you find something to be grateful for everyday.

On letting go.

I can't believe that the Glee season finale made me cry.  But it did just that.  As Finn let Rachel go, I cried along with her. 

I'm such a sap.

But I know how young loves can be.  And it sucks sometimes because we want it to work, so much, but even our young minds know that sometimes, we must let go. 

When I was eight years old, I met the boy I thought I would one day marry.  (Remember the boy I refer to as Jude because of his favorite Beatles song?)  Well, I thought I was going to marry Jude.  Don't worry, I didn't think I was going to marry him at eight years old.  It took a few years before I thought of him and marriage.  Actually, it was in the fifth grade, when he introduced me to his dad as the girl he was going to someday marry.  I know, I know, so Sweet Home Alabama.

But our ending was different.  We never got married.  We never even dated.  But in the fifth and sixth grade, we were best friends.  And we remained friends throughout junior high and high school.  Until the end of my junior year when he told me that we couldn't be friends anymore.

You see, I told him I wanted to help him get his life back on track, go back to school, stop hanging out with gangs and doing drugs.  By that time, Jude was homeless, just going from one (bad) friend's house to another.  (I didn't really approve of his so-called friends who only got him in even more trouble.)  I wanted my mom to take him in and have him live with us.  I wanted to take care of him. 

But he said no. 

Then, he made a promise - that he would not speak or contact me until he was back in school and his life was in order.  Out of trouble.  So that he wouldn't bring any trouble to me. 

I cried.  And cried. 

But, even during his most troubled times, Jude knew what was best for me.  And even though he knew it hurt me, and it hurt him, he had to let me go.

Our lives went on completely different paths.   

And looking back, I have Jude to thank for the path I'm on.  I no longer question whether he really loved me.  I just have to look at where I am to know that he did.

I once heard that letting go is sometimes the most loving thing you can do for someone.

Even though it hurt a lot, I thank Jude for letting me go.     

looking back, finding the answers, and moving on

I've been working on the story.  Y'know, the one I've been "struggling" with the last couple of years.  Anyhow, in my research through drafts of things I've written as part of this story or in relation to the story, I came across these two pieces that I had forgotten about.  But, I believe I was meant to find them today.  Because, like I said, I had forgotten.  And thus, lately, I have been struggling.  But, in reading these, I was reminded.  And I found my answers.  Here they are:

Love The Place You're In
One of my favorite lines from a poem was written by Lynda Hull in "Magical Thinking."  She wrote, "It is common human longing to want utterly to vanish from one life and arrive transformed in another."  I think I was five when I first wished my life to freeze at a certain moment, and everything that occurred thereafter was just a long dream.  The moment was the day before my dog, Sugar, died.  We were playing in front of my grandfather's house - I was the circus master, and Sugar was the acrobatic dog that could walk on a big red ball across the driveway to the yard.  Everyday, for years, after she died, I wished and prayed that her death was just a horrible nightmare.  Perhaps it was then I learned to live my life in memories of the "good ol' days," or in dreaming about an unknown future.  Somehow, this habit of mine kept me from living in the present, and I went through the next twenty-nine years always wanting to live in some other time or some other place.

But, of course, each time I woke up, I was still right where I was when I went to bed.  In Los Angeles.  The city I hated and loved.  The city I had always wanted to leave, and somehow, could never turn my back on.  I realized that each time the city loosened its grip, I would push my way back in and hold on tighter than ever.  I couldn't walk away.  I couldn't let go.

I just came back from vacationing in Europe, where I traveled through Spain, France, and Italy.  While there, I tried to imagine how my life would have been if I had studied abroad during my last year at USC.  I still clearly remember the day I decided not to go to Spain for the Study Abroad Program.  For hours, I sat near the fountain facing Tommy Trojan, rationalizing in my head that it was the right decision because financially, I just couldn't afford it.  Truth: I didn't want to leave my at-that-time-boyfriend.  But when he started becoming mean, and things didn't work out, I resented him for the decision I made.  And when I met J, I regretted my decision even more, and my resentment grew stronger.  I wondered whether I would have met J had I gone, and maybe, things would have been different.  Somehow, it seemed that J and I had so many missed encounters - two wandering souls meant to find each other but never doing so, until that moment in the library.

But during my trip, as I walked through the streets of Sevilla, I realized that J and I weren't meant to meet then, and we are not meant to have a "now" much more a future.  We were just a moment in time, which is now only a memory.  When that realization came, I no longer wished to be at another place or time.  I no longer yearned for the past that held him.  And my need to run away seemed to have disappeared leaving an unfamiliar, but reassuring, sense of stability.  It was, then, I knew I loved the place I was in - on that street corner facing Universidad de Sevilla, the fact that I was there on vacation, and the fact that after two weeks, I would be going home ... to the City of Angels. 

I thought, sometimes, you just have to stand still on a street corner in a foreign city, and let the life you could have lived run through you.  Then, open your eyes to the life you are living, to the moment you're in on that same street corner, where each block in all four directions are just as unfamiliar.  I decided I wasn't going to let the moment pass me by again.  I only have this life to live.  I may only have this moment to see what's in that next corner because who knows what the next moment will bring.  The possibilities are endless, which adds to the beauty of it all.


Message from Barcelona, May 18, 2008
I probably should be doing something else rather than spending time in an Internet cafe, but it's raining outside and I decided to take advantage of the opportunity to email my parents.  Also, I figured this is where "Maya and Dante"* started, so perhaps, this is where it should end.

During my flight to Madrid, where I spent my first three nights in Spain, I anticipated feeling nostalgic, and I feared that I was going to be overcome with "missing-J-syndrome."  I guess it was natural to feel such anticipation since I couldn't help but associate Spain (and a Europe trip in that matter) with memories of him, and with feelings of confusion about an unfamiliar future I was afraid to venture into.

But anyhow, this is not supposed to be about J.  Somehow, reminiscing about him, much more writing about memories we shared, always makes me feel that I'm somehow disrespecting his marriage, which I have no intention of doing.  So, this is about letting go.  Thus, that's why I decided to end the "Maya and Dante" blogs.  Without intending the story to unfold the way it did, it somehow just happened that the last post ends with Maya's own closure because through her story, I found my own closure, too.

I realized that I let J go a long time ago, and what I held on to all this time was the friendship we shared, and the comfort he always gave me.  When we've been hurt, it is only a natural tendency to hold on to what comforts us and what makes us feel better.  When we've been bruised too many times, it's only natural to want to keep close what eases our pain.  Thus, I needed to hold on to him to remind me not to gravitate to old habits of bad and unhealthy relationships.  Because it's easy to gravitate to what is familiar.  No matter how bad.  But J pulled me away from all of that, and it is the comfort he offered that I held on to.  I guess, I didn't trust that I could have the strength to pull myself away from another unhealthy relationship.  I guess, I didn't think I'd recognize when something was bad for me until it was too late.  But I realize now, I can do it on my own: walk away from things that are bad.  Without him to catch me when I fell.

So, I arrived in Madrid, and although the place was familiar with thoughts of him, I was different.  I didn't miss him.  I didn't feel lost and confused.  I don't know how I got to this state of just knowing, and no longer questioning.  But, somehow, I did.  And that, I know I did on my own.

For a long time, I wondered when J turned from the good-looking stranger I had a huge crush on to the friend who caused the end of life as I knew it.  But now, the answer to that doesn't matter so much.  All I need to know is that love happened.

... Most of the time, the answers to the questions that haunts us are really inside our hearts, and we'll find the answers if we only have the courage to look inside.  Love happens when we least expect it.  And that's the beauty of it all. 


*Maya and Dante was my original blog.  It's the story I've been working on.  A story I really finished four years ago.   

clouds + cloud(ed)

I took this picture last Sunday.

It's one out of probably twenty I took of the clouds.

I just love how they fill the sky after the rain.

I wish everyday looked like this.

I've been struggling all afternoon.

After spending all morning in court, I came back into

the office with a dreadful headache.

Not to mention I hurt my neck last night,

and now, I can't turn my head to the right or to the left.

So, instead of working, I've been scrolling through old files, old blog posts,

and old (email) "reminders" I used to send to myself.

I came across this "reminder" I sent on March 30, 2011:

"Just came back from Phoenix.  Remember this: he motivates and inspires me

to be the best possible me.  I love him for that."

I was talking about A, who I've mentioned a couple of times

(though not sure if I've ever referenced him as "A").

But I wrote several posts about him, like here, here, and here. 

A and I are not speaking anymore.

But that has a lot more to do with me than him.

Today, especially after reading the reminders and previous posts,

I wondered why I pushed him out of my life.

Because I miss him everyday.

But, then I read the posts again.

The post about Dexter and Emma (One Day),

and I remembered why I pushed him out of my life.

Self-preservation.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong.

Many days I wish I could take it back.

But, we can't change how we feel.

I can't change mine, and he can't change his.

So, we do what's best for us.

I did what was best for me.

At the time.

I miss him though.

Everyday.

just let go!

I've officially started my weekend off.

Well, I decided to anyway.  A few hours early.

Funny how I can be so excited to be off

for the weekend.

Isn't that what a weekend is supposed to be for?

Some time off?

(Well, I really don't know how a full day off looks like anymore.)

(And honestly, I feel a little guilty because I should be

working.  You know, that BIG motion due in a few days.)

Then, I heard myself saying ...

encouraging, maybe even justifying ...

that I need this.  So, just let go!

For a few days.

Don't think about work

At.  All.

One of my dearest, best friends booked

us a massage and some calming/detoxing wrap

for this afternoon, followed by a lovely dinner.

She said, just escape.

Savor it.

You deserve it.

So, if she thinks I deserve it,

it's okay, right?

Well, I do feel less guilty.

(Maybe I'll be hitting myself on the head in a few days ...

but let's not look too far ahead.)

And what matters is right now.

This present moment.

And this present moment,

I'm clocking out.

Just looking forward to pure relaxation.

And lots of yummy food.

Sweet dessert.

Good conversation.

Great wine.

Hugs, kisses,

 and, of course,

 lots of laughter.

Isn't that what life is all about?

Photo: Caiti Borruso

be brave, my friend.

"'Because,' she said, 'when you're scared

but you still do it anyway, that's brave.'"

(Neil Gaiman)

I never thought of myself as brave.  Even after I walked out of a bad relationship that lasted six years too long.  But now, looking back, I realize, it was brave.  Because I was scared.  But I did it anyway.

I remember sitting on the stairwell of our apartment building, crying, and repeating over and over again in my head, "It's now or never."  Probably after the five hundredth time, it was finally embedded in my head, and I walked into our apartment, and ended it.  I decided, I wasn't going to allow him to hurt me anymore. 

Of course, the break wasn't smooth.  In hindsight, it seemed like it was worst because the words "it's over" was supposed to end any bad treatment from him, but it didn't.  And I didn't stop him.  Because the way he loved me was the only way I thought love was supposed to be.  And since I hurt him, I thought he had every right to hurt me even more.  

I know better.  Now. 

But I was scared then.  I was so scared on that stairwell.  And I was scared for days, weeks, and months after that.  Because every day without him was unfamiliar.  You see, no matter how unhappy he made me, it was familiar.  It felt safe. 

Yet, I trudged on this unfamiliar path, no matter how scared I was.  Tried my best to navigate my way.  Tried to create a new life.  Tried to find what I had lost or perhaps, what I never had but wanted.  

Walking away from a life that you worked so hard to build, even though it was a life that made you feel badly on most days, everyday, is very difficult.  And extremely scary.  But there's courage inside of you, and the first step in finding it is by doing what scares you the most: walking away.

You see, no one has the right to make another person feel badly.  Loving someone does not give them the right to hurt you.  I've learned that since.  And it breaks my heart every time I see someone stay in a relationship that just hurts them.  Relationships are hard, I know.  Not perfect because no two people are.  But when someone purposely, intentionally, hurts another.  That's just not right.  I hope you know that.  Because you deserve kindness, respect, and most of all, love.

So, please, be brave.     

photo: rosie hardy

true love.

"You must understand that love never keeps a man from

pursuing his destiny.  If he abandons that pursuit,

it's because it wasn't true love ..."

(The Alchemist - Paulo Coelho)

I do believe in letting go.  My grandma always tells me that if two people are meant to be, they will be.  No matter the distance.  No matter the time.  So, don't be afraid to let go.   

And I've always heeded that.  

But it's definitely hard when we find that it wasn't true love.  That the person we let go never returned, and instead fell into the arms of another.  But again, if that's the case, then it wasn't meant to be.  Right?  

So, I still believe in letting go.  Like what the alchemist told the boy:

"Don't think about what you've left behind."

...

"If what one finds is made of pure matter, it will never spoil.

And one can always come back.  If what you had found was

only a moment of light, like the explosion of a star, you

would find nothing on your return."

The man was speaking the language of alchemy.

But the boy knew that he was referring to Fatima.

(The Alchemist)     

photo: weheartit

learning how to be loved

The last post is an excerpt from a story that I wrote years ago.  I call it my healing process story.  Writing about fictional characters, that I could and could not relate to, helped me through a confusing time in my life.  The reason I shared the excerpt last night is because lately, it's been on my mind how many women (and maybe men, but I speak for women) have experienced sexual assault and never report it.  And that can be the most confusing and loneliest feeling.  It takes a lot of courage to speak up.

Between college and law school, I worked full-time as a legal assistant in a law office that practiced criminal defense.  There was another legal assistant that was working in the same office.  She only worked there for a short while.  But she was a hard worker and very intelligent.  I'd always come to the office extra early, before work hours, so that I can either use the computer to write or study for the LSAT.  And I remember that no matter how early I arrived, she would already be there.  It made me wonder if she ever went home and slept.  She didn't speak much to me.  I thought that she didn't really like me.  I asked her to go out to lunch several times, and she declined each time.  She was more talkative when the attorneys arrived late in the afternoon after court.  They thought she was friendly and charming.  I didn't tell them she was quiet and reclusive for most of the day.

But one Friday afternoon, I finally understood why.  It was after I had returned from my lunch break, and I noticed that one of the attorney's office door was closed.  I went to my desk, and just started working on a case I needed to outline when she came out of the attorney's office crying.  Then she just asked me if I can speak to her in the office.  Since we were the only two people there, I didn't quite understand why she needed me to go inside one of the offices instead of just talking at our desks.  But I didn't question, and just followed her.

When I entered the room, she was already seated on one of the chairs.  She was still crying.  I sat down across from her, and just waited for her to say something.  After a few minutes, she looked up, and started telling me about how she was raped a year before, by someone she knew, at the college they both attended.  She reported it, but no charges were ever filed against him.  So, she dropped out of school, and moved.  And applied for a job at our office.

We worked at a criminal defense firm.

And she was working on a rape case.

We talked for the rest of the afternoon.  (The thing about working at a litigation firm, the attorneys are never around because they are in court all day.)  Most of the time, I just listened to her.  I told her I understood.  I suggested that she ask the attorneys to give her another assignment, and not have her work on the rape case.  I told her she didn't have to tell them why.  And they won't ask.

The following Monday, she came in, early as usual but this time, I was already there.  She was back to her quiet self, and didn't say hello.  She placed a piece of paper on the front reception desk, and walked out.  I never saw her again.  It was a resignation letter.

She didn't explain why she resigned.  She mentioned that something happened on Friday that upset her, and after talking to me, she couldn't come back.  Everyone (jokingly or not) asked what I did to scare her off.  But I couldn't tell them her secret.

The thing is, I really understood her.  And maybe, I should've conveyed that more clearly rather than just appearing to be another sympathetic listener.  But I didn't know at that time whether that would've made any difference.  I understood, however, that she couldn't face me.  Again.  Afterwards.  Because I knew.  And because of that, I guess my one regret is not telling her that I didn't think she was a freak.  Because I really knew how she felt.                 

I still think about her.  Actually, she wrote a card to one of the attorneys a couple of years ago, and I think she ended up going to law school, as well.  She may be an attorney now. 

I really hope she's okay.  And that she has found a way to allow herself to be loved.  Because that's the thing about sexual assault by someone you know, especially someone you trusted, you forget how it is to be loved.  Really loved.  And you forget how it is to love yourself. 

photo via

endings and beginnings

my sentiments ... exactly.

so, i've learned to embrace the good-byes.  even smile through them. 

for i know that something new awaits.

and that is always exciting!

via thresca

letting love in

It can be frightening. 

It can break your heart.  To pieces.

But it's so worth it.

I just got off the phone with a friend, who has been contemplating between a new potential relationship, and letting go of an old, perhaps, no-longer-hopeful one.  I told her this: don't be afraid to let go.

Sometimes, we try, we wait, we hope ... but there comes a point when all the trying, waiting, and hoping reaches its peak ... its end.  And the only thing left to do is let go.  It's scary.  It's painful.  Being quite loyal to the ones I love, I never want to let go.  Sometimes, I think I can have enough hope and love for the two of us.  But I've learned that never works.  And thus, I finally let go.

And I've found that when I do that ~ let go ~ I open the door for something new (for instance, someone new).  Maybe something better.  Or maybe just something that works.

I also told my friend, know what works for you.  Know what you need.  What you want.  And again, don't be afraid to let go. 

And let love in. 

*photo via

the secret.

I read a lot.  If that's not already obvious.  I read a lot of blogs, articles, books, ads and even street signs.  I love words.  I love how the same words can be rearranged in a sentence, and can give a completely different message.  But anyhow, that's not the secret. 

The secret is about the idea of letting go.  It's a common theme I've found in blogs (and magazine articles and books and etc.).  It seems that people are always looking for ways to let go.  Or giving encouragement, advice and instructions on how to let go.  I'm a part of that group.  When I started blogging, one of my secret missions was to find a way to finally let go.  For my heart to finally let go of someone that I had loved so dearly because loving him was getting in the way of someone I was falling in love with.  It seems and sounds easy enough, right?  Since there was someone new in my life, why was I holding on to someone who was no longer a part of it?  People always say that the best way to get over someone, to get over a broken heart, is to find someone new.  (Honestly, I don't really subscribe to that theory, but that's for another post.)

But if you've ever been there, it's not that easy.  Meeting someone new doesn't mean we get a brand new heart.  And falling in love with someone new doesn't mean the old love instantly disappears and cease to exist.  Ever.  And if you're like me, I have this habit of holding on to things.  To the things I cherish.  To those that I loved.  Even if they are old, battered, or have already long left me, I treasure them.  Because once I loved, I don't stop loving.  Once someone has made a mark on my heart, they stay there.   

But I understand how that can turn into an issue.  My male best friend told me a long time ago that a man does not want to know that the woman he loves loved someone else.  That the woman he loves was so in love with another man as I was in love with my person.  I didn't get it.  I thought that should make any man (or woman) feel better and secure because they are with a person who was capable of loving another in that way.  But now, I realize why my best friend didn't understand my logic and I didn't understand his. 

It seems that the universal rule is we must completely rid ourselves of all past emotions for another being in able for us to acceptably love someone anew.  It seems that the universal rule is to completely erase all things broken, missing and painful from our memories for us to be completely whole and happy in the present.  I buy into the whole idea of living in the present.  This is what this blog site is all about.  But, I'm also one that has put my past in a treasure chest, and one who likes to look in there once in awhile.  And remember.  And smile.

See, I've never been good about universal rules. 

I still wonder about the boy who I met in the second grade and first broke my heart.  I haven't seen or spoken to him in sixteen years.  I have no idea where he is. 

I still miss my precious dog Sugar.  She's been missing for twelve years. 

I still think of my grandfather everyday.  And he's been gone for seven years.

And whenever I catch a Friends episode, I think of the person I so loved years ago, and it makes me smile.  It makes me smile because I did love him.  It makes me smile because I once knew him and we once shared this secret joke and laugh.  I smile because I am truly happy for him and the life he has chosen.

Then, I think about that someone I was falling in love with.  The someone I did fall in love with.  Everytime I hear someone playing the guitar, I think of him.  I realize that he was the reason things did not work out with the one I so loved.  Even though I met him years after it was over.  And when I think of him, I smile because now I know that there's another reason.  Just waiting to be known.   

I believe the secret is ... we never really let go.  We move on.  Or our feelings change.  Or they grow into something else.  But there is some part of the things we loved that always remains.  I guess, when we think of letting go or finding ways to let go, it's really about finding a way to live our lives without that thing or person we felt we couldn't live without.  Once we realize that life can go on even without them, and once we learn to appreciate that everyday provides the possibility of something or someone new who will have such an impact in our lives and hearts that we'll feel we can't live without them, too, the grieving process for those no longer in our current lives may be a little easier.  It'll never be completely easy because missing someone is hard.  But I've found that there's a comfort in the realization and acceptance that we never really have to forget those we loved (and lost) to make room for new loves. 

*photo via Better Than Fine

the message continues

*photo by HeyThereItsCassie

A couple of months ago, I posted a blog about "the message." It was after I met up with an old friend who I had not seen or spoken to in three years.

Well, today, I had breakfast with an old friend who I haven't seen or spoken to in five years. 

I believe there is something about reacquainting and catching up with old friends that puts life in perspective.  Reminds us of who we were and makes us realize how far we've come.  How much we've changed.  And yet, how much we've stayed the same.

I was a different person five years ago.  But at the same time, I haven't changed.  The same goes for my friend.  So, as we talked about that, I remembered a conversation I had with my former secretary. 

A couple of months ago, she came into my office to give me her two-weeks notice.  I said, okay, and thought that was the end of our conversation.  I was wrong.  She sat there looking at me, as if waiting for me to ask her why.  It looked like she wanted to talk.  Since I was in the middle of writing a brief, I didn't really feel like talking.  But she didn't move.  So, finally, I asked her why.  And she broke down.  She told me what I had suspected in the last couple of months - the reasons she had been so distracted and unable to work.

Life after college isn't what she imagined it to be.  It's been a difficult adjustment.  Paying rent and making ends meet has been tough.  Moving to a new city has made it even tougher.  She doesn't know whether she still wants to go to grad school.  She feels lost.  Thinks maybe she should move back home with her parents for awhile.  And (the biggest reason) this guy ... 

After she told me about the heartache, disappointment, confusion, and more heartache, she asked: How do you do it?

I realized at that moment that she had no idea.  So, I told her this:  I was exactly where you are ten years ago.  I even cried in my boss's office, too, when my ex-boyfriend and I broke up.  At that time, I thought I was going to die and the world was going to end.  He listened.  I didn't die.  The world didn't end.  Actually, after all of that, my ex and I got back together.  But, three years later, we broke up again.  That time, I didn't think I was going to die.  I didn't think the world was going to end.  But I did feel that I didn't want to move from my couch ever again.  I just wanted to stay on that couch until that nauseating feeling from the fusion of loss, disappointment, heartbreak and broken dreams was gone.  But I also knew I couldn't wait for that.  I needed to finish law school.  I needed to pass the bar exam.  So, I got up from the couch.  Hard as it was. 

And what I realized is this: with each broken heart, we learn.  Life goes on.  We grow.  Now, I know, that heartache won't kill me.  Even when it feels like it.  And I know that staying on my couch won't change the circumstances.  No matter how comfortable and inviting it is. Will the nauseating feeling still be there?  Yes.  But, find different ways of moving on, or at least getting through the day, until the things you do don't feel like just "ways" anymore.  And remember that mistakes, heartaches and disappointments happen.  Don't let them define you.  Don't let them decide what you do with your life. 

Then, she asked, do you believe that everything happens for a reason?

Yes.  I do.

Even this happened for a reason.              

the choice

sometimes, things don't turn out exactly
the way we thought they would.

or exactly how we planned them to.

or quite how we had hoped.

but i guess that's life.

things happen.  out of our control.

what i've learned (time and time again) is that although some things
(or a lot of things) that happen to us can be out-of-our-control,*

we don't lose control of how we react to them.** 

Okay, sometimes (or oftentimes), the tears can come uncontrollably
 and self-pity can cloud our minds, but after that ...

we have a choice.

And I'm choosing ...

(everything that happens is from now on.)

*Death of loved ones, accidents, losing a job, heartbreak, fill-in-the-blank.

**After a storm, there's always a rainbow.

photo via 

endings just mean there's a new beginning

So don't be afraid to let go.

And don't be afraid to open your heart.

Again. And Again. 

*image via

freedom.

*photo by Rosemarie via weheartit

I am so promoting Eat Pray Love! If you haven't already noticed the last couple of posts have been quotes from the book. Yes, I have picked it up (again) since the movie is coming out this weekend. And I so love the book!

I remember that it was highly recommended to me a couple of years ago. Actually, it was prescribed to me as a MUST read ... something about breakdowns in the bathroom in the middle of the night, epiphanies about being unhappy in the life (relationship) she thought she wanted, bitter divorce (break-up), meeting and falling in love with incredibly handsome man but still feeling empty. Thus, very painful decision to let go. To search. For God. For inner peace. Spiritual meaning. For self. My friend thought I could relate. Don't know why ... hmmm ... ;-) However, since she said it was a MUST-READ ... I picked it up.

But, to be completely honest, I didn't finish the book. Although I breezed through and enjoyed Italy (eat), and somewhat struggled, but loved loved India (pray), I couldn't make it to Indonesia (love). So, last night, I turned off the computer early, cleared my head of work, tucked myself comfortably in bed, and opened the book to Love.

As I found myself smiling, tickled, through the first few pages of Liz's journey in Bali, I realized that, perhaps, I wasn't quite ready for Love a couple of years ago when I first picked up the book, and thus, I closed it and put it away for later. For now. When I can finally understand. Love. (big smile)

But just to reflect a little, thought I'd share these instructions from Pray ... I repeated these over and over for awhile ... I think it worked. (bigger smile)

INSTRUCTIONS FOR FREEDOM

"1. Life's metaphors are God's instructions.

2. You have just climbed up and above the roof. There is nothing

between you and the Infinite. Now, let go.

3. The day is ending. It's time for something that was beautiful

to turn into something else that is beautiful. Now, let go.

4. Your wish for resolution was a prayer. Your being

here is God's response. Let go, and watch the stars

come out - on the outside and on the inside.

5. With all your heart, ask for grace, and let go.

6. With all your heart, forgive him, FORGIVE YOURSELF,

and let go.

7. Let your intention be freedom from useless suffering.

Then, let go.

8. Watch the heat of day pass into the cool night. Let go.

9. When the karma of a relationship is done,

only love remains. It's safe. Let go.

10. When the past has passed from you at last, let go.

Then climb down and begin the rest of your life.

With great joy."

(from Eat Pray Love by Elizabeth Gilbert)

the reason

*image via wehearit

Have a little faith

*photo by dranidis

... and let go.

"Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send to us what we're meant to have. Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn't helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcome we desire. It isn't helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need."
- The Language of Letting Go

Sometimes the only thing left to do ...

... is to let go.

Let go of expectations.

Let go of past mistakes.

Let go of regrets.

Let go of who you once were.

Lessons

The greatest kind of love is the kind that pushes us to be the best version of who we are. Even if, sometimes, that push means setting us free.