The last post is an excerpt from a story that I wrote years ago. I call it my healing process story. Writing about fictional characters, that I could and could not relate to, helped me through a confusing time in my life. The reason I shared the excerpt last night is because lately, it's been on my mind how many women (and maybe men, but I speak for women) have experienced sexual assault and never report it. And that can be the most confusing and loneliest feeling. It takes a lot of courage to speak up.
Between college and law school, I worked full-time as a legal assistant in a law office that practiced criminal defense. There was another legal assistant that was working in the same office. She only worked there for a short while. But she was a hard worker and very intelligent. I'd always come to the office extra early, before work hours, so that I can either use the computer to write or study for the LSAT. And I remember that no matter how early I arrived, she would already be there. It made me wonder if she ever went home and slept. She didn't speak much to me. I thought that she didn't really like me. I asked her to go out to lunch several times, and she declined each time. She was more talkative when the attorneys arrived late in the afternoon after court. They thought she was friendly and charming. I didn't tell them she was quiet and reclusive for most of the day.
But one Friday afternoon, I finally understood why. It was after I had returned from my lunch break, and I noticed that one of the attorney's office door was closed. I went to my desk, and just started working on a case I needed to outline when she came out of the attorney's office crying. Then she just asked me if I can speak to her in the office. Since we were the only two people there, I didn't quite understand why she needed me to go inside one of the offices instead of just talking at our desks. But I didn't question, and just followed her.
When I entered the room, she was already seated on one of the chairs. She was still crying. I sat down across from her, and just waited for her to say something. After a few minutes, she looked up, and started telling me about how she was raped a year before, by someone she knew, at the college they both attended. She reported it, but no charges were ever filed against him. So, she dropped out of school, and moved. And applied for a job at our office.
We worked at a criminal defense firm.
And she was working on a rape case.
We talked for the rest of the afternoon. (The thing about working at a litigation firm, the attorneys are never around because they are in court all day.) Most of the time, I just listened to her. I told her I understood. I suggested that she ask the attorneys to give her another assignment, and not have her work on the rape case. I told her she didn't have to tell them why. And they won't ask.
The following Monday, she came in, early as usual but this time, I was already there. She was back to her quiet self, and didn't say hello. She placed a piece of paper on the front reception desk, and walked out. I never saw her again. It was a resignation letter.
She didn't explain why she resigned. She mentioned that something happened on Friday that upset her, and after talking to me, she couldn't come back. Everyone (jokingly or not) asked what I did to scare her off. But I couldn't tell them her secret.
The thing is, I really understood her. And maybe, I should've conveyed that more clearly rather than just appearing to be another sympathetic listener. But I didn't know at that time whether that would've made any difference. I understood, however, that she couldn't face me. Again. Afterwards. Because I knew. And because of that, I guess my one regret is not telling her that I didn't think she was a freak. Because I really knew how she felt.
I still think about her. Actually, she wrote a card to one of the attorneys a couple of years ago, and I think she ended up going to law school, as well. She may be an attorney now.
I really hope she's okay. And that she has found a way to allow herself to be loved. Because that's the thing about sexual assault by someone you know, especially someone you trusted, you forget how it is to be loved. Really loved. And you forget how it is to love yourself.
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