reason, season, and lifetime ...

I spent the weekend bonding with my girlfriends.  Reflecting on 2012 and talking about goals we have for this year.  Discussing lessons we've learned and the changes that we're hoping to make.  Our talks reminded me of this post I wrote on my old mayandante blog.  It pretty much sums up the many conversations that passed through three different tables this weekend.   

Reason, Season, or Lifetime

People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime. 
When you figure out which one it is, 
you will know what to do for each person.
When someone is in your life for a REASON, 
it is usually to meet a need you have expressed. 
They have come to assist you through a difficulty; 
to provide you with guidance and support; 
to aid you physically, emotionally or spiritually. 
They may seem like a godsend, and they are. 
They are there for the reason you need them to be.
Then, without any wrongdoing on your part or at an inconvenient time, 
this person will say or do something to bring the relationship to an end. 
Sometimes they die.  Sometimes they walk away. 
Sometimes they act up and force you to take a stand. 
What we must realize is that our need has been met, 
our desire fulfilled; their work is done. 
The prayer you sent up has been answered and now it is time to move on.

Some people come into your life for a SEASON, 
because your turn has come to share, grow or learn. 
They bring you an experience of peace or make you laugh. 
They may teach you something you have never done. 
They usually give you an unbelievable amount of joy.  
Believe it.  It is real.  But only for a season.

LIFETIME relationships teach you lifetime lessons; 
things you must build upon in order to have a solid emotional foundation. 
Your job is to accept the lesson, love the person, 
and put what you have learned to use in all other relationships and areas of your life. 
It is said that love is blind but friendship is clairvoyant.— Unknown

Excerpt from mayandante: "your reason, our season and my lifetime"

Dear Dante, 

I don't know if this letter will ever get to you, but last night while I was out having dinner, I thought of you.  I was sitting between Lanie and Dave in this suspiciously dark Sushi restaurant, and after several rounds of Sake shots, they got into their usual heated arguments. This time it was about the TV show "Alias" (our favorite). Dave argued that it was not possible Sydney and Vaughn could ever be truly happy because Sydney didn't even know Vaughn's real identity, and who was to say that Sydney was really Sydney?  Yes, Dave was doing his typical script re-writes.  Lanie, however, used the love argument and said that it didn't matter what Vaughn's real name was because even if he and Sydney changed their identities (aliases), their hearts still loved each other.

Anyhow, in the height of their argument, I remembered this one talk that we had when you asked me to run away with you to Europe.  You had this master plan about pretending our own deaths, obtaining new identities so that we can start anew and just leave everything behind.  The funny thing is that your big concern was our student loans, and how you wanted to make sure that even though we had new identities, when financially equipped in our new lives, we were going to pay those loans off.  I remember listening to you and smiling so much that my face hurt.  I didn't want to say a word because I didn't want to somehow interrupt the energy and excitement in your voice.  I remember thinking I could listen to that ecstatic voice forever.  You seemed so happy.  I just wanted to hug you, hold you and never let go.

Then, I thought about the last time I saw you.  You looked lost, confused and hurt, and I didn't know what to do.  I just wanted to hear that same jubilant and excited voice that asked me to run away with him.  I remember reaching out for your hand, and you couldn't look at me. But you squeezed my hand and held on to it as if any minute someone was going to pull me away, and you didn't want them to take me.  What you didn't realize was that someone had already pulled you away.  And maybe I didn't believe at the time that I deserved you or that I could make you happy, and so I easily let you go.  Perhaps, I didn't think I could give you what you needed or what I thought you needed.  Perhaps, I was just afraid that eventually you were going to let go of my hand so I let go of yours first.  Maybe all that is true.  I questioned myself this last year you haven't been in my life, and I could never really give myself one clear answer.  But one thing I never questioned was that I wanted to be with you, and how I couldn't stand to be away from you.  I couldn't stand not having you in my life.  But I also couldn't stand hurting you and disappointing you.  I think we've overused the saying that "timing was just not right."

Ian told me that you're happy, and ever since he told me that, I just felt this sense of relief and peace.  I realized that I can let you go now.  I no longer have to worry that the voice I loved who always had fantastic stories had disappeared. Life does have a way of working out even though it beats us up once in awhile, breaks us down and tests our faith and our love.

And you can let me go, too, because you no longer have to worry about me settling for anything less than wonderful. You taught me that.

Love, 
Maya

P.S. My wish for you is that your heart and dreams will always have that same childlike innocence and wonder that you had the day you asked me to run away with you to Europe ... and I wish her a lifetime of the kind of happiness I felt that day.

Friday smiles

It's been a long, long, long week.  And it'll be a long, long, long work-filled weekend.  But I came across this picture and it just made me smile.  Big smile. 

It's supposed to be a picture taken in Bern, Switzerland.

And when I saw this picture, and read where it was taken, it

brought me back to that little girl who was full of hopes and

dreams and passion and love and courage.

Once upon a time, I was supposed to go to Switzerland to dance.

Although the reason I didn't go was not my choosing, and in fact, I really

had no choice in the matter, it's still one of those things I regret.

But Jude went.  And I'm glad that at least he did.

At least he got to live that part of our dream for us.

I know that I'll go to Switzerland one day.

And although it most likely won't be to dance

in front of an auditorium filled with people,

I'll be thinking of dancing.

And I'll be thinking of Jude.

How once upon a time, we danced.

How once upon a time, I had a best friend

who loved me more than he loved the Beatles.

And how we spent summers drinking Kool-Aid, listening

to the radio waiting for the perfect moment to record

songs by Lionel Ritchie, Billy Ocean, and Stevie Wonder.

How he'd serenade me with Hello, I Just Called to Say I Love You,

and our favorite, Endless Love.

I've been thinking about Jude a lot lately.

Childhood best friends are ones that stay with you forever.

Because your love for each other is innocent, pure, and real,

with no agenda, expectations or obligations.

Just love.  For each other.

And each other's company.

Those are the best.

And now, I know, more than ever,

that when I get married,

I will be marrying my best friend.

You see, I can't marry anyone else,

unless he's my best friend.

For life.

And that made me smile.

Happy Friday!

Photo: timopfahl

On being in love. Again.

Last weekend, my girlfriends and I took a roadtrip.  To Vegas.

It was supposed to be a wild-and-oh-so-silly-crazy-bachelorette-weekend.

But we were as tamed as Catholic school girls can be on a field trip with chaperoning nuns.

(meaning: we tried to act wild, but just couldn't do it.)

(We were silly though.  And well, crazy is arbitrary.)

Nonetheless, we had loads of FUN!

I believe girl time is always needed.

We didn't talk about work,

which was surprising, but oh-what-a-relief!

We hardly talked about men,

which was also surprising, but oh-so-refreshing, too!

I just have so many favorite moments from the weekend,

but what I really, really loved - was the drive to Vegas.

It was just me and my very-good-friend-twice-roommate.

It has been over a decade since she and I had taken a roadtrip

together.  But as we talked about life as it is,

and reminisced about life as it was,

I remembered why we were good friends.

(Have been since the tenth grade.)

Complete opposites. 

And thus, life definitely took us on different paths.

But we got each other then.  And we still get each other now.

And even when we don't, we listen to each other.

And I found, that's what matters.

The thing about being around old friends,

we are reminded about the old us.

And reminders of the old us

are the best measure of growth.

By the end of the weekend, I realized

that I really am in love.  Again.

This time with life.  As it is.

And being in love with life

is being in love with everyone and everything in it.

I'm in love with my nephew's voice,

and his laugh and his silly ideas.

I'm in love with the way

my brother always texts me in the middle

of the day with his quirky jokes.

(Father and son are more alike than they realize.)

I'm in love with the way my mom

loves life no matter how hard it has been for her.

I'm in love with the fact that I can work from

anywhere (Internet is the best!),

(but I still try to make it into the office earlier than everyone else).

I'm in love with ice cream at 3pm.

I'm in love with the way my friends and I can

smile (or smirk or frown) at each other and know exactly

what we are thinking.

I'm in love with text kisses and hugs and <3s

that bring a big smile to my face (and tingle to my heart)

anywhere I may be or whatever I may be doing.

I'm in love with the way the wind feels against my face,

the way coffee tastes in the morning, and the fact

that Criminal Minds comforts me and keeps me company.

Life is funny, I told my friend.

Everyday, every moment can bring new surprises.

"Our lives can change with every breath we take."

(By the way, that's from a movie - Where the Heart Is.)

But, I believe it.

So, I told her, your life can change, too.

My life certainly did.

You've seen that.

You knew me then.

Who would have ever guessed I'd be in love with life?

p.s. I'm in love with the peanut butter malted milkshake depicted above.  Yum!

Photo: food+words

a whole lotta sweetness

I had an amazing weekend!

For starters, 'twas my nephew's birthday weekend

so there was a whole lotta family ... and lovin'.

He wanted to go camping, so

(we) they went camping.

(Camping is not really my thing, so I visited, they camped.)

And I won something!

Not at the camping trip.

Last week, I entered a contest,

and got an email on Friday that I won!

Wow!  Okay, it's just a book and a box of biscotti

but still, it made me sooo happy!

I was just telling someone last week how I've never

won anything except a box of blotters when I went

to play Bingo with my grandparents for my 21st birthday.

(By the way, that was an awesome night!)

(This person I was talking to won a trip to Hawaii, thus, my comment.)

And, to end my weekend just ever-more sweetly,

a darlin' little girl went up to me while

I was waiting at Coffee Bean to tell me

she loved my toes (you see, I always have these elaborate

flower designs on them thanks to my amazing pedicurist.)

And how she liked my shirt.

And that she thought I was pretty.

Aww, she melted my heart.

I told her she was beautiful.

I know the above photo has nothing to do with this post,

but I have this obsession with food lately.

And it just looked so good ... and sweet.

So, well, that makes it very fitting.

Photo: ariane chan

when you least expect it

you find love.

it was love.

you love.

him.

photo: beingjoey

balloons and a whole lotta love

I said it was going to be a balloons kinda month.  Well, now I say, let's make it a balloons and a whole lotta love kind of month.  I read my post from last year, and you know, funny because I said I was going to make this month (last year) a month of challenges.  (Hmmm ... Didn't I just say I disliked this month because that's what it always gave me?)  Well, I guess, that's where it hasn't failed me.  Because I got that.  It was a month of challenges. 

But I also said I was going to make it a month of daring to become everything I dreamt of.  A month of resolutions.  I think I did that, too.  And I remember, that month, I also dared to approach everything with love.  To believe in love.  I think that's what got me through that month.  Last year.  I believed in love.  As I watched my stepdad slip further and further in his illness, his life slipping away, as my heart was being ripped out of me, and as I watched my family heartbroken and beaten, I felt more love than I ever did.  We were together.  And we held each other up through it all.  No words needed to be said.  We loved.  A lot.   

And that's something I will always be grateful for.  The love I have around me.  My wonderful friends.  My loving family.  We've all been through a lot of rainstorms together.  We've been through trials that would tear some relationships apart.  But, we stay.  We love.  No matter how difficult it is sometimes.

So, in celebration of all of that, I'm making this a month of love (and balloons!).  A month of recognizing love.  All around me.

For starters, I love my brothers!  I have the best brothers.   

photo: Caiti Borruso

I want to remember you always ...

... because surely my heart will never forget you.

*photo by tuesdy.is.shutterbot

celebrate Life

The past few days have been especially difficult. Loss of a loved one is never easy. But what I've realized is that death, although seemingly synonymous to everything meaning the end, over, gone ... really is more fittingly synonymous to all things that convey beginnings, anew, and love.

Death has a way of bringing people together. Mending broken relationships. Or starting new and much improved ones. With each other.

Death has a way of reminding loved ones that we do love each other. And in that love there is no ending. In that love, life lives forever.

Have a little faith

*photo by dranidis

... and let go.

"Letting go is the action part of faith. It is a behavior that gives God and the Universe permission to send to us what we're meant to have. Letting go means we acknowledge that hanging on so tightly isn't helping to solve the problem, change the person, or get the outcome we desire. It isn't helping us. In fact, we learn that hanging on often blocks us from getting what we want and need."
- The Language of Letting Go

Lessons

The greatest kind of love is the kind that pushes us to be the best version of who we are. Even if, sometimes, that push means setting us free.

Commitments

A connection can be made in an instant.

But a relationship is built through time.

Grows with time.

Sustained with time.

The pain of love

Writing can be an arduous task.

The students I'm tutoring repeatedly remind me.

But I refuse to listen to their excuses and complaints, and I continue to encourage them to begin by writing one sentence at a time.

However, since I recently decided that I will finally finish writing my book (y'know, the one I should have finished years ago if I had followed my life plan), I find myself making the same excuses as my students. Lately, I've been constantly complaining to the pictures on my desk and the stacks of books on the shelf next to me about how I just can't do this. The ideas run amok in my mind, but somehow, organizing them onto my computer screen becomes almost an impossible task.

"Oh, I don't have time for this," I whine. Aloud.

"I'm a lawyer, and I have legal cases to read, briefs to write, and trials to prepare for. I don't have time for this," I whine even more.

And so, following each tirade made only to those that cannot respond, I step away. Sit outside in my balcony. Coffee in hand. There's a sense of comfort that comes with the warmth of a coffee cup between my hands. A few minutes later, the frustration wanes, and the familiar breath of inspiration seeps through me. And I return. And I begin to write. Again.

One sentence at a time.