What if we skipped the in-between?

Over dinner last night, the topic of destiny came up.  My friend is a big believer in destiny.  In fate. 

I met someone I want to see again, but don't know how.  Yet, I told my friends that I believe if he's meant to be in my life, our paths will cross again.  It's just a matter of when.

I guess, you can say, I, too, believe in destiny.  In fate.

But, it's because I've witnessed it.  Been a part of it. 

I once dated a guy who I actually met two years prior to dating him.  We met in passing, work-related, spoke for a few minutes, and in those few minutes, I knew I liked something about him.  So much that I called my best friend afterwards and told her I just experienced a "big crush" moment.  I saw him one other time, within that same week, while I was having lunch with my best friend.  Perhaps, just so I can point him out to her.  Then, nothing.  Didn't see him again.    

Fast forward two years later, a different friend (who had no idea about my crush) sets me up.  With my "big crush."

Okay, we didn't work out.  But, he changed me.  He made a permanent mark in my life.

Then, after several other examples of friends of friends who've had past missed encounters with the person they eventually ended up marrying, we talked about the person I loved (and lost) long ago, the person called by friends as Mr. Wonderful.  And I told them how after getting to know each other, Mr. Wonderful and I realized we could've met five years earlier. 

At that my friend nearly screamed, "And you could've skipped the whole awful-ex-boyfriend part!"  (Yes, maybe, I could've.)  You see, the reason I didn't go to the exchange program where I could've met Mr. Wonderful was because I had just started dating the awful ex-boyfriend, and my young self didn't want to leave her boyfriend.  "You could've skipped all of that!" my friend said again. 

And that's when we pondered about: what if we just skipped the in-between?  If two people are meant to be together anyway, what's the point of the missed encounters, the brief meetings?  If Mr. Wonderful and I were meant to end up together anyway, why couldn't we have just met five years earlier?  So, I could've missed the whole awful ex-boyfriend part!

"But that's not life," my other friend said.  "You were supposed to go through the awful ex-boyfriend part!  You were supposed to experience that."  

God has a funny sense of humor.  Because life is quite an irony.  The reason I finally broke up with the awful ex-boyfriend?  Because I met Mr. Wonderful.   

And yes, we didn't work out either.  But he changed my life, too.  In such big ways.  And because of that, the questions had to be asked: what if we had met five years earlier?  Skipped all of the in-between?  Would we have worked out?

There are no answers to those questions.  That wasn't our life.  That wasn't our story.     

But, will I see this new, mysterious guy again? 

I think so.

In the meantime, I'm going to embrace this in-between part.  At least, I don't have the awful ex-boyfriend.  At least, I can enjoy it.  And I should.  And I will.  Because this is life. 

photo: Hidehiko Sakashita

Like Crazy

Finally saw it.  And it's painfully.  real.

The thing is we don't choose who we fall in love with.  We just fall.

And I've found that even if it hurts and ends up breaking our hearts, we are still considered lucky if we meet that someone who just fits.  Even if all the circumstances doesn't.  Because even in our saddest moments, he/she still makes us happy for having touched our lives.  Because he/she inspires us to be a better person.  And that, to me, is the core of happiness. 

After the movie, my friend asked me what if she got it wrong?  With her husband.  What if she could be happier?

I told her about a conversation I had with a mutual friend a couple of years ago.  We were talking about loss and relationships.  Life.  And I remember telling him that I was happy, and I realized that as much as it broke my heart to pieces when I let a certain someone go, I believe I had to go through that to be here.  I told him that I didn't think I'd be the person I have become if I didn't go through that.  The kind of pain that made it hard to breathe.  For months afterwards.  The agonizing regret that followed.  It changed me.  And I came out of it a different person.  A person I actually like.  A person I love.  And I'm happy.

He asked, "but what if you could've been happier?  With him?"

And I remember saying, "But I'm really happy now.  Why would I change this for something I don't know?  I can't live on a what if.  What if I could've been happier, but what if I could've been really sad?"

Maybe neither of us had the answer.  Maybe no one does.

All I know is that we can't help how we feel.  But the least we could do for ourselves is be real. 

The truth of the matter was, I told her, I loved him.  But I wasn't happy.  And it didn't feel right.  Something was missing.  And maybe it was just me.  But at the end of the day, I live with me.  Sleep with me.  Wake with me.  So I need(ed) to be okay.  And I wasn't okay.  And now that I'm more than okay, I know more than ever that I did the right thing.  At that moment, when I let him go, I knew I could be happier.  Because I wasn't. 

So, I asked her, are you happy?

To the Dexters and Emmas of the world

I'm still reading One Day.  I intend to finish the book before the movie comes out.  It has taken me longer than I thought it would.  You know, been busy with work.  (And a little playtime here and there.) 

Anyhow, last night, I was at the part when Dex told Emma he was getting married.  And I felt this pang ... in my chest.  Somewhere close to my heart.  It made me wonder whether everyone has/have/had a Dex or an Emma.  Meaning, that person that made you smile, just upon hearing their name.  That person you think about when you think of the word crush or like or ... maybe, in love.  But it's also the person that you think about when you hear the word "almost" or "maybe" or "not quite."  The person you wonder about because they're not presently in your daily life, no matter how much they are presently in your daily mind.  And in your heart.  It's that why not person.  That whatever happened to person.  The could've been great but quite don't know person.  If you believe in all of those things.    

And reading the exchange between Dex and Emma upon the news of Dex's engagement made me want to call the Dex in my life.  Tell him to give me fair warning before he gets engaged.  Or married.  Give me fair warning before I lose him.  Again.  I just want to know ahead of time.  

Here's the exchange that made me feel that pang (that feeling that I'm afraid to lose him, but at the same time, I wonder, what am I losing?):

'But you're happy?'

'Yeah?  I think I am.  Are you?'

'Happier.  Happyish.'

'Happyish.  Well, happyish isn't so bad.'

'It's the most we can hope for.'  The fingertips of her left hand passed across the surface of a statute that seemed familiar, and now Emma knew exactly where they were.  Turning right, and then left would bring them out into the rose garden again, back into the party, back to his fiancee and their friends, and there would be no more time to talk.  She suddenly felt a startling sadness, so stopped for a moment, turned and took both of Dexter's hands in her own.

'Can I say something?  Before we go back to the party?'

'Go on.'

'I'm a little drunk.'

'Me too.  That's okay.'

'Just ... I missed you, you know.'

'I missed you too.'

'But so, so much, Dexter.  There were so many things I wanted to talk to you about, and you weren't there -'

'Same here.'

'And I feel a little guilty, sort of running away like that.'

'Did you?  I didn't blame you.  There were times when I was being a little ... obnoxious.'

'More than a little, you were bloody awful -'

'I know -'

'Selfish, and stuck-up and boring actually -'

'Yes, you've made that point -'

'But even so.  I should have stuck it out a bit, what with your mum and everything -'

'That's no excuse though.'

'Well, no, but it was bound to give you a knock.'

'I've still got that letter you wrote.  It's a very beautiful letter, I appreciated it.'

'But still, I should have tried harder to get in touch.  You're meant to stick by your friends aren't you?  Take the blow?'

'I don't blame you -'

'But even so.' To her embarrassment, she found that there were tears in her eyes.

'Hey, hey, what's up, Em?'

'I'm sorry, drunk too much is all ...'

'Come here.'  He put his arm around her, his face against the bare skin of her neck, smelling shampoo and damp silk, and she breathed into his neck, his aftershave and sweat and alcohol, the smell of his suit, and they stood like this for a while until she caught her breath and spoke.

'I tell you what it is.  It's ... when I didn't see you, I thought about you every day, I mean every day in some way or another -'

'Same here -'

' - even if it was just "I wish Dexter could see this" or "where's Dexter now?" or "Christ, that Dexter, what an idiot", you know what I mean, and seeing you today, well, I thought I'd got you back - my best friend.  And now all this, the wedding, the baby - I'm so, so happy for you, Dex.  But it feels like I've lost you again.'

(One Day by David Nicholls)

       

I think I would cry, too, the day he tells me he's getting married.  I wonder if he'd feel the same way should it be I who gets married first.

I know that the Dexters and Emmas are difficult to understand.  At least, my circle of friends don't.  Although they make great fictional characters and their stories are what romance movies are made of - people don't get them.  In real life.  Maybe, I don't either.  But, I get the feeling.  Those are real.

My cousin posted this short story "Long Walk to Forever" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on her site.  Reminds me of another Dex and Emma.  (I'm just not sure whether they have the same ending.)  But, it's a great short story.  Check it out: http://www.angelfire.com/or/grace/longwalk.html. 

Photo via

A little romance

I saw this movie when I was ten years old.  And I fell in love.  With Italy.  With Diane Lane.  (I've been a fan since then.)

After watching this movie, I was a confirmed, bona fide hopeless romantic.  And I thought I was going to marry my best friend, a nine-year-old hopeless romantic poet, who loved the Beatles, serenaded me with Lionel Ritchie and Stevie Wonder songs, and introduced me to his dad as the girl he was going to someday marry.

I thought, one day, we will go to Italy, ride a gondola, kiss under the bridge as the sun sets, and live happily ever after.  Wow!  I can't believe I just wrote all of that.  I haven't thought about that in a VERY LONG TIME.

I guess, those are the kind of dreams that only come from the hearts of the very young.

I should really go to bed.  I must be really tired.

when you least expect it

you find love.

it was love.

you love.

him.

photo: beingjoey

unexpected.

"want to see"

it was supposed to be just one date. 

with someone she knew (or she believed) she would never consider a future with.

"he had all the strikes," she said.  "three and more."

then, the first date: she found herself not wanting it to end.

"okay, i'll just have fun.  it won't hurt, right?"  (that's how it begins.) 

she didn't expect to feel this way.

i guess, that's how the best things in life are ... when you have no expectations at all.  and then wham!  you're hit with the wonderfulness of it.

i guess, sometimes, our hearts know before our minds ... that we're feeling something for a certain someone.  but, i guess that's how love works.  it just happens.  sometimes (oftentimes), unexpectedly.

she didn't think she'd feel this way. 

but now, all she wants is to tell him, "i want to see you.  i just want to see you."

photo via

the royal wedding

he said: i don't get it.

she said: just because. 

she wanted to be reminded of a time

when she believed in happy endings.

p.s. i just love the little cute frowny girl.  she's the most adorable bridesmaid ever.

so what next?

*photo via

he said: i think you're amazing.

and geez, i think he's awesome.

 p.s. talk about messages.  about decisions?  (remember?)  well, i just came across this: "If you spend too long holding on to the one who treats you like an option, you will miss finding someone who treats you like a priority."  (- via betterthanfine via inspirationalrealwizkhallifa) 

i think i'm ready.  to make that decision.

"Don't sweat the small stuff."

Advice given to me today by my aesthetician.  "But don't ignore the profound issues either.  If there are any," she continued. 

Then, as she performed a rather "private" procedure, she went on and on about her own private life ... about the quirks and habits of her husband's that "make her nuts," but in the overall scheme of things were not deal-breakers.  "He is a wonderful man.  Although it bugs me how he can't just throw his socks into the laundry basket after he takes them off, it won't kill me." 

Then, she shared with me the unspeakable: "In a few years, his quirks will be yours, as well." 

My honest response: "How scary!" 

But I said that with a smile.  :)

*photo via

giving thanks and why i read tyler knott in the morning.

*photo by Sally Van Natta

My Internet at home is still down so I probably won't be able to post anything on Thanksgiving Day.*  And since I'm not planning on going into the office tomorrow, I thought I'd take the time to write my Thanksgiving entry today.  {smile} 

Anyhow, I LOVE Thanksgiving.  It's my favorite holiday.  I love what it represents and the reminder to just give thanks.  Sometimes, in the busyness of everyday life, it's easy to forget what the whole point of all this is about.  Y'know, life?  What does it mean to you?  What makes you happy?  What fills your heart with joy?  What brings a smile to your face?

Every year for Thanksgiving, my family and I gather around a circle, and each of us reflects on the past year, and we share what it is that we're grateful for.

This year has been very rough for my family ... with illnesses, deaths and ... well, I think those two are enough sorrow to last for awhile.  Yet, despite all the loss and sadness this year, I can't help but still be thankful.  And I know that this year, we'll still keep the tradition because there are many things to be thankful for.

I thank God everyday for a new day.  I'm thankful for all the love that surrounds me.  The love that I witness on a daily basis.  I've mentioned before how I start my day by reading blogs.  My favorite is Tyler's page.  I'm thankful for his words.  This is why:

"It's when the snow falls that you can hear the sound of the whole entire universe.  It's when the smallest things move us in the biggest ways.  When your breath can be stolen by something that may go completely unnoticed to every one else.  There, in the moments between moments, the distance from snowflake to earth, is the reason why we're here.  It's up to us to choose to fill those moments, that distance, with positivity and love, not negativity and hate.  There is so much cynicism and pessimism in the world, why on earth would we add to it?" (Tyler Knott - Posted Nov. 24, 2010.)

          

I agree.  There is so much cynicism and pessimism in this world.  I should add that there's so much sorrow and tragedy in this world.  And that's why on this page, in this blog, I try to leave all of that behind.  Because I do believe that despite all the ugliness and bad things there are out there, there is so much more goodness and beauty ... and those are the things worth seeing.   

So, this year, I want to celebrate all the good and beautiful things in my life.  Because when times are bad, those are the things that I want to remember.  Those are the things that get me through the day.  It is those things that I choose to see.  It is those things that I choose to fill the "moments between moments."  So, here's to all that I am thankful for:

*my family's silent togetherness. jordan's laugh, and watching him sing praise. lourdes's cheery good morning every time i walk through the door of coffee bean, and her ability to always remember just how i like my latte. my grandma. my colleague and mentor who believes in me, encourages me, and pushes me - always. my mom's strength. my dad's thoughtfulness. my stepdad. for who he was. and always will be to us. my stepmom. and her humble reinforcement. my brothers' courage to be who they are, and to stand up for what they believe in. my sister-in-law's patience and endurance to sit through hours listening and talking to me. i love our talk-marathons. cassie's hugs. and laugh. and her "i love you" post-it notes. my sister. because she's beautiful and loving in her quiet ways. forgiveness. and the opportunity to say "i'm sorry" after many, many years. reuniting with old friends. finally getting the answers. missy's "i'm tired of it and get over it" speech. emily giffin's books. listening to my sunday school boys' prayers. dry -  woke me up. the beautiful, constant but always-changing sky. my readers. old, life-long friends. A's texts - and their perfect timing.  his psychic ability to know when i need a smile or just need to know that someone thought of me. susan's ability to always know just when i need her. wednesday. this blog. my writing group.  the boys and their unfailing ability to be there when i need something, and how they always let me know they care.  my aunt and her tireless support.  my cousins' hugs at my time of much-needed comfort.  and so much more ...*     

Geez, I could've gone on and on.  And that feels wonderful.  Makes me realize even more how beautiful life is.  And how lucky I am.  So, this Thanksgiving, I hope you have the opportunity to reflect and recognize the beauty in your life.  Remember that it's the little things that fill this world, and it's the moments between moments that make it beautiful.                                 

Happy Thanksgiving!  I'm thankful to all of you for reading ... and for being my daily inspiration to continue writing. 

*I'm actually beginning to like this no-Internet-at-home thing, so I'm going to ride it out as long as possible.
*photo of girl and snow by silent sequoias

it is everything that it's cracked up to be.

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"Do you want me to tell you something really subversive?  Love is everything it's cracked up to be.  That's why people are so cynical about it.  It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for.  And the trouble is, if you don't risk everything, you risk even more." 

-- Erica Jong

i've been outed.

Okay, I admit.  I love this.  Always does it for me. :)

Sometimes, it's as easy (or, okay, difficult) as asking one question - what do you want?  Ask it anyway.  Sometimes, it's as difficult as saying, I want you no matter what.  Say it anyway. 

Letters to Juliet (disclaimer: there may be spoilers!)

I was hesitant to watch this movie.  I just haven't been in the mood for hopeless romantic fantasy-films, and well, this one just seemed to have such an impossible story line that I couldn't even grasp the idea of watching it.  I'm all for fiction, but when it comes to stories about traveling around with a stranger in a foreign country and falling in love with that person in a matter of days, I'm a hard sell.* 

C'mon.  A girl finds a letter from fifty years ago written to Juliet, answers it, and ends up going on a road trip with the aged author of the letter and her grandson to find the aged woman's lost love.  How realistic is that?  Wasn't she afraid that they were crazy lunatics and could've killed her along the way?  Okay, I sound quite cynical.  I can be sometimes.  It comes with the day (and night) job.  

But I was willing to give the movie a chance.  Until she falls in love with the grandson!  And he falls in love with her!  C'mon.  C'mon.  Really?  Is it really that easy?**

Yet to my surprise (who am I kidding? - surprise), I liked the movie.  And yes, as I suspected (expected), it is the kind of movie that enable hopeless romantics to persevere.  The kind of movie that feeds the hearts of hopeless romantics with so much hope and dreams and all that true love stuff.  All the stuff that I wasn't really in the mood for.  But there I was, falling for it ... the movie and its message.  About true love.  I even got teary-eyed as I folded my laundry and watched the aged Claire look for her Lorenzo.***  Ah! 

And it was this part that sealed it for me ... when Claire read the letter that Juliet (Sophie) wrote.  Because even though this story about the search for true love is as far from realistic as Cinderella-and-her-glass-slippers story,**** I believe what "Juliet" wrote in this letter is true.

Dear Claire,

"What" and "If" are two words as non-threatening as words can be.  But put them together, side-by-side and they have the power to haunt you for the rest of your life.  "What if?"  "What if?"  "What if?"  I don't know how your story ended but I know that if what you felt then was love - "true love", then it's never too late.  If it was true love then, why wouldn't it be true now?  You need only the courage to follow your heart. 

I don't know what a love like Juliet's feels like; a love to leave loved ones for, a love to cross oceans for.  But I'd like to believe if I ever were to feel it, that I'd have the courage to seize it.  And Claire, if you didn't, I hope one day that you will.

All my love,

Juliet

*Okay, I love "The Notebook," but they spent a summer together so they're hardly strangers.  And that was supposed to be real!  Right?

**Yeah.

**Okay, I was crying mid-laundry-folding, but ... how can you not cry?  Fifty years is a long time to wonder and wait!

***Cinderella is the fairytale of all fairytales.  But shh, I still love it!

*photo via weheartit