Like Crazy

Finally saw it.  And it's painfully.  real.

The thing is we don't choose who we fall in love with.  We just fall.

And I've found that even if it hurts and ends up breaking our hearts, we are still considered lucky if we meet that someone who just fits.  Even if all the circumstances doesn't.  Because even in our saddest moments, he/she still makes us happy for having touched our lives.  Because he/she inspires us to be a better person.  And that, to me, is the core of happiness. 

After the movie, my friend asked me what if she got it wrong?  With her husband.  What if she could be happier?

I told her about a conversation I had with a mutual friend a couple of years ago.  We were talking about loss and relationships.  Life.  And I remember telling him that I was happy, and I realized that as much as it broke my heart to pieces when I let a certain someone go, I believe I had to go through that to be here.  I told him that I didn't think I'd be the person I have become if I didn't go through that.  The kind of pain that made it hard to breathe.  For months afterwards.  The agonizing regret that followed.  It changed me.  And I came out of it a different person.  A person I actually like.  A person I love.  And I'm happy.

He asked, "but what if you could've been happier?  With him?"

And I remember saying, "But I'm really happy now.  Why would I change this for something I don't know?  I can't live on a what if.  What if I could've been happier, but what if I could've been really sad?"

Maybe neither of us had the answer.  Maybe no one does.

All I know is that we can't help how we feel.  But the least we could do for ourselves is be real. 

The truth of the matter was, I told her, I loved him.  But I wasn't happy.  And it didn't feel right.  Something was missing.  And maybe it was just me.  But at the end of the day, I live with me.  Sleep with me.  Wake with me.  So I need(ed) to be okay.  And I wasn't okay.  And now that I'm more than okay, I know more than ever that I did the right thing.  At that moment, when I let him go, I knew I could be happier.  Because I wasn't. 

So, I asked her, are you happy?