because it still applies

I wrote this post exactly two years ago, and I thought I'd share it again.  I'm happy to say, I still feel the same way.

dear old self

I started this blog two years ago today because I was nostalgic for you. And because I thought that I was losing that hopeful and somewhat idealistic part that was you. I was afraid that somehow I had become jaded, tired and indifferent about the practice of law. And even worst, I thought that indifference was streaming over to all parts of my life because you see, the practice of law has been everything and nothing that we thought it to be.

So, in desperation, I went to find you. I wanted to find that girl who was sure she was going to be a lawyer, but also knew with all of her heart, that she didn't want to be just a lawyer.

Two years later, here we are. You in your old world. Where I found you. Where you belong. And me ... happy to visit with you time and time again, but finally just as happy to return to my place. Right. Here. Where I belong.

And what I want to tell you on this day is thank you ... Thank you for being afraid but willing. For being uncertain but hopeful. For being insecure but idealistic.

I especially thank you for today. This moment - right here - where I'm happy to be. You see, I wouldn't be here without you. Because life, right here, has been everything and nothing that we thought or planned it to be. Yet, still, I know it's where I belong. And that's because of you.

So, again, thank you.

this week in rewind + things to be grateful for

Time seems to pass much faster the older we get.  Doesn't it?  February came and went.  Just like that. 

But, this week, I thought, rather than thinking, "geez, it's already March," probably the way to look at it is, wow, it's only March!  Because truth is, a lot has happened since the start of the year.  A lot has happened since the first of February.  Life is ever-moving.  Each new day brings in new possibilities.  New discoveries.  New beginnings.  And endings.  I am in love with life.  And I fall deeper and deeper in love with it everyday. 

At the start of this year, I told myself, that despite the heavy weight on my heart, I will begin and end every day with thank you.  But, of course, there are days when I don't feel very grateful.  I had a lot of those days (moments) this week.  Especially the latter part of the week.  But, I willed myself to sit still, even for just a few minutes, and take a hard look at life, my life, and I realized there is much to be grateful for every day.  Even on my bad days.  During Wednesday's prayer meeting, one of the boys said he was grateful for just being there.  His friend passed away on Monday.  He just didn't wake up.  They were playing football Sunday afternoon, he experienced chest pains Sunday night, and his parents were going to take him to the doctor on Monday.  But he didn't wake up.  He was eighteen years old.  

So, I'm grateful for this morning.  The ability to write this post.   

And, I'm grateful for ...

... this song.  Mat Kearney has been a comforting companion this week.

... the realization that although friendships change (painfully), as well, and someone who was once your best friend can turn into a fleeting presence in your life, there is someone else who gladly takes her place, and becomes the person whose words make everything better. 

... Annie Hall.  Someone once told me that he was surprised I had never seen this movie because it's definitely a movie I'd love.  I watched it for the first time on Friday night.  He was right.  It's my recent addition to my list of favorite movies.

... beautiful weather, beautiful views and long walks.

Los Feliz - Griffith Park Loop

Distance: 3.8 miles

Steps: 463

Happy Sunday, everyone!  Enjoy your day.  

 

childhood treasures

When I was in the sixth grade, one of my best friends was my sixth grade teacher.  She had the whole class write in journals at least once a week, which she'd collect on a specified day so she can respond to our entries.  I used to write in the journal everyday.  I have several volumes of those journals.  And anyhow, through our journal-writing, Ms. M became my confidant.  My big sister.  My best friend.    

I recently found those journals, and this is a portion of Ms. M's last entry to me (written the day of my sixth grade graduation):

"Life would be nothing without our dreams.  Our dreams and goals challenge us and make us better people.  I know that you will be successful, my friend.  Just keep the high expectations you have for yourself.  What is meant to happen in your life will. ... You will always be remembered.  Congratulations!"

Looking back, I have been blessed by wonderful teachers.  They got me through many difficult times in my life.  They gave their time selflessly and never expected anything in return but my success and my well-being.  I thank God every day for them. 

Photo: Tina

falling in love

Yesterday, I stepped out of the house early in the morning,

and was immediately greeted by the smell of fall. 

Followed by the embrace of its cool and crisp easy breeze.

I had missed you, I thought.  But now, you're here.

Gone for awhile, but never forgotten.

Because I knew you'd be back.

The same.  But different.

I closed my eyes.  For a brief moment.

And just took it all in.  The familiar smell.

The familiar and safe embrace. 

And I was overcome with feelings of

joy and excitement and hope.  Hope for all this season brings.

And that's when I felt my heart just smile.  I couldn't stop smiling.

And I knew, in my core, I was falling in love once again.

In love with everything around me.

The neighborhood I've gotten to know so well, yet,

everyday I notice something new - a swing in a neighbor's front lawn;

a toy on the porch; a new face walking by with the most adorable black pug.

In love with my family who greets me with the biggest smiles as if they

had just not seen me the week before.

In love with my friends, who in their own, unique ways, show

me they love me and just want to see me happy.

In love with this life I've been blessed with ~

though not one without disappointments, heartbreak and loss ~

it is beautiful.  Because in the midst of all those things I've still

found love.  And I'm grateful that my eyes and heart had been

opened to allow me to see that.  This life full of love.

And I'm grateful that I can fall in love everyday.

Right now, I'm in love with this life I have.

What are you in love with?

Photo: pixelmama 

 

Remembering our heroes

I had an amazing weekend.  But honestly, I feel a little weird saying that considering that this weekend is the ten-year anniversary of the 9/11 tragedy, when so many lives were lost, and we as a nation grieved for them.  But personally, I think it was also a time when heroes stepped up, and provided hope.  And it is because of those heroes that I thought why not just write about this amazing weekend? 

You see, there are many heroes in our lives although many of them are often unrecognized.  But this weekend, I remembered mine.  And I realized that God does place certain people in our lives, at the precise time when we need them, and those people become our heroes to help us through, and give us hope.

On Friday night, I went to see the Tchaikovsky Spectacular at the Hollywood Bowl.  And just to warn you, you'll probably see the word amazing on this post many times, but it was just AMAZING!  The moment the orchestra started to tell the story of Romeo and Juliet, I felt as if this huge, heavy drape that was over my body began to lift up.  And as the music got louder, intense, and then soften to a romantic melody, I felt the drape drop away from me, and my body was free.  At that moment, I felt every sound, every note, that came from the orchestra.  And by the time Swan Lake began, I was me again.  Me before the tragedies of my life happened.  And I remembered the girl who wasn't afraid to express herself.  The girl who wore faded jeans, peasant tops and mismatched shoes, and always had daisies or sunflowers (or both) in her hair, even when she was often reminded that she was in the wrong decade (and was so out of season).  The girl who took her oversized Keroppi to school, and made sure he had a seat next to her in class (and this was senior year of high school).  The girl who made tape recordings to declare and profess her love to her high school boyfriend.  The girl better known as the memory keeper.  And the girl who was not afraid to stand up for a cause, and speak her mind.  The girl who wanted to be a dancer, an actress, a writer and a lawyer, all at the same time.

The girl before the conglomeration of tragedies. 

You see, the unfortunate consequence of tragedies are these protective layers that start to hover over us .  And the more tragedies that come our way, that protective armor, those huge, heavy drapes, or big, stone walls, become so great that we get lost in them.  And eventually, forgotten.

I became lost in mine.  For a long time.
 
But something happened this weekend.  Maybe it was Tchaikovsky.  Or I've just been reading a lot of old letters and journals.  Or it's the 9/11 anniversary.  However, I realized that we all have our stories and we all have our tragedies, but the tragedies of mine are no longer relevant.  What matters is that I survived them.  Because tragedies happen and will happen, but what matters is what we do with those tragedies.  How do we respond?   Do we fold?  Or do we fight for our lives?  For our happiness?  Now, looking back, I realize that although I was battered, bruised and broken for a long time, I always had some hope.  And when that hope was diminishing, God placed people in my life, to remind me of it.  To give it back to me.  To believe in me when I didn't believe in myself.            

On Saturday night, I went to the Harvest Crusade at the Dodger Stadium.  It was the most humbling experience.  And I felt rejuvenated.  Found.  But most of all, grateful.  And blessed.  As Chris Tomlin sang Amazing Grace, I thought, yes, it's because of God's grace that I'm here.  Happy.  Really happy.

And like the wonder of life, today I came across a treasure.  As I was cleaning up boxes of old documents and letters and books, I came across a manila envelope with the word "Speech" written across it.  Inside were copies of my junior high newspaper with my bylines in them; my elementary school "yearbook" where "lawyer" was written under my ambition; cards from my Speech coach encouraging me to be a winner; and a college letter recommendation from my English teacher.  By the time I finished reading the letter, I was crying.  Because, like I said, life happened and it was not so nice at times, and the letter reminded me of how God placed people in my life to help me through my battles.  My English teacher wrote the letter as a second, special recommendation after I got rejected from the university I really wanted to go to.  I hand delivered that letter to the University head of admissions after sitting in the waiting area outside of his office all day.  I still didn't get into the school.

But I am a lawyer as I aspired.   

And I thank my heroes for that. 


 

Photo: Flavio

lovely

Yesterday was just lovely!

Life is so much better when you love,

and allow yourself to be loved.

I got to spend time with those I wanted to spend time with.

And those I didn't see didn't seem too far away.

I am grateful.

Thank you!!!

<3 <3 <3

Photo: Ronaldo Cabuhat

lovin' it all!

Did you know that July is National Ice Cream Month?

No wonder I love ice cream!!!

Anyhow, I'm still a little tired from my two-day business trip.

But nothing yoga and a good hearty breakfast couldn't fix.

Now, I feel refreshed.

And guess what???

I got a raise!

Isn't that awesome?

I opened the envelope.

And there it was.

My pleasant surprise.

Things aren't bad.

Not at all.

Around this time last month

I was sorta heartbroken,

from what I can recall.

Remember?

But now, I'm just lovin' it all.

My life.  My friends.  My family.

Ice cream.

My job.

Chocolate.

Yoga.

My spinach and red onions omelet.

Home.

And that heart text message from a special someone.

Sometimes, we just have to ride out the bad.

And never lose sight of the big picture.

Never stop appreciating each moment

of our lives.

Good or bad.

But definitely enjoy the good.

Relish it.

Sometimes, bad things happen

to make us better appreciate the good.

Sometimes, we need to get our hearts broken

to recognize (and realize) what is really love.

By the way, my new blog obsession: food + words.

Love it!

Of course!

Have a wonderful weekend everyone!

p.s. I'll be working.  And although I don't mind it so much, I'm in that so-happy mood that a BIG part of me wishes I just splurged, and took that weekend trip to the desert. :)  Besides, I did get a raise!  Oh well, I'll still enjoy this weekend for all it has to offer.  Smile! 

Photo: food + words

to making each day count.

 *photo via

I know I posted my Thanksgiving entry earlier this morning.  But I was compelled to share with all of you one of my favorite lines from a movie (said by one of my favorite actors) as another Thanksgiving greeting (or something to ponder about):

"I mean, I got everything I need right here with me.  I got air in my lungs, a few blank sheets of paper.  I mean I love waking up in the morning not knowing what's gonna happen or, who I'm gonna meet, where I'm gonna wind up.  Just the other night I was sleeping under a bridge and now here I am in the grandest ship in the world having champagne with you fine people.  I figure life's a gift and I don't intend on wasting it.  You don't know what hand you're gonna get dealt next.  You learn to take life as it comes at you ... to make each day count."  (Jack Dawson - Titanic)

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!  I hope you all take a moment, and smile ...

*photo via

 
Thank you for being a part of my life.

giving thanks and why i read tyler knott in the morning.

*photo by Sally Van Natta

My Internet at home is still down so I probably won't be able to post anything on Thanksgiving Day.*  And since I'm not planning on going into the office tomorrow, I thought I'd take the time to write my Thanksgiving entry today.  {smile} 

Anyhow, I LOVE Thanksgiving.  It's my favorite holiday.  I love what it represents and the reminder to just give thanks.  Sometimes, in the busyness of everyday life, it's easy to forget what the whole point of all this is about.  Y'know, life?  What does it mean to you?  What makes you happy?  What fills your heart with joy?  What brings a smile to your face?

Every year for Thanksgiving, my family and I gather around a circle, and each of us reflects on the past year, and we share what it is that we're grateful for.

This year has been very rough for my family ... with illnesses, deaths and ... well, I think those two are enough sorrow to last for awhile.  Yet, despite all the loss and sadness this year, I can't help but still be thankful.  And I know that this year, we'll still keep the tradition because there are many things to be thankful for.

I thank God everyday for a new day.  I'm thankful for all the love that surrounds me.  The love that I witness on a daily basis.  I've mentioned before how I start my day by reading blogs.  My favorite is Tyler's page.  I'm thankful for his words.  This is why:

"It's when the snow falls that you can hear the sound of the whole entire universe.  It's when the smallest things move us in the biggest ways.  When your breath can be stolen by something that may go completely unnoticed to every one else.  There, in the moments between moments, the distance from snowflake to earth, is the reason why we're here.  It's up to us to choose to fill those moments, that distance, with positivity and love, not negativity and hate.  There is so much cynicism and pessimism in the world, why on earth would we add to it?" (Tyler Knott - Posted Nov. 24, 2010.)

          

I agree.  There is so much cynicism and pessimism in this world.  I should add that there's so much sorrow and tragedy in this world.  And that's why on this page, in this blog, I try to leave all of that behind.  Because I do believe that despite all the ugliness and bad things there are out there, there is so much more goodness and beauty ... and those are the things worth seeing.   

So, this year, I want to celebrate all the good and beautiful things in my life.  Because when times are bad, those are the things that I want to remember.  Those are the things that get me through the day.  It is those things that I choose to see.  It is those things that I choose to fill the "moments between moments."  So, here's to all that I am thankful for:

*my family's silent togetherness. jordan's laugh, and watching him sing praise. lourdes's cheery good morning every time i walk through the door of coffee bean, and her ability to always remember just how i like my latte. my grandma. my colleague and mentor who believes in me, encourages me, and pushes me - always. my mom's strength. my dad's thoughtfulness. my stepdad. for who he was. and always will be to us. my stepmom. and her humble reinforcement. my brothers' courage to be who they are, and to stand up for what they believe in. my sister-in-law's patience and endurance to sit through hours listening and talking to me. i love our talk-marathons. cassie's hugs. and laugh. and her "i love you" post-it notes. my sister. because she's beautiful and loving in her quiet ways. forgiveness. and the opportunity to say "i'm sorry" after many, many years. reuniting with old friends. finally getting the answers. missy's "i'm tired of it and get over it" speech. emily giffin's books. listening to my sunday school boys' prayers. dry -  woke me up. the beautiful, constant but always-changing sky. my readers. old, life-long friends. A's texts - and their perfect timing.  his psychic ability to know when i need a smile or just need to know that someone thought of me. susan's ability to always know just when i need her. wednesday. this blog. my writing group.  the boys and their unfailing ability to be there when i need something, and how they always let me know they care.  my aunt and her tireless support.  my cousins' hugs at my time of much-needed comfort.  and so much more ...*     

Geez, I could've gone on and on.  And that feels wonderful.  Makes me realize even more how beautiful life is.  And how lucky I am.  So, this Thanksgiving, I hope you have the opportunity to reflect and recognize the beauty in your life.  Remember that it's the little things that fill this world, and it's the moments between moments that make it beautiful.                                 

Happy Thanksgiving!  I'm thankful to all of you for reading ... and for being my daily inspiration to continue writing. 

*I'm actually beginning to like this no-Internet-at-home thing, so I'm going to ride it out as long as possible.
*photo of girl and snow by silent sequoias

dear old self

*photo via weheartit

I started this blog two years ago today because I was nostalgic for you. And because I thought that I was losing that hopeful and somewhat idealistic part that was you. I was afraid that somehow I had become jaded, tired and indifferent about the practice of law. And even worst, I thought that indifference was streaming over to all parts of my life because you see, the practice of law has been everything and nothing that we thought it to be.

So, in desperation, I went to find you. I wanted to find that girl who was sure she was going to be a lawyer, but also knew with all of her heart, that she didn't want to be just a lawyer.

Two years later, here we are. You in your old world. Where I found you. Where you belong. And me ... happy to visit with you time and time again, but finally just as happy to return to my place. Right. Here. Where I belong.

And what I want to tell you on this day is thank you ... Thank you for being afraid but willing. For being uncertain but hopeful. For being insecure but idealistic.

I especially thank you for today. This moment - right here - where I'm happy to be. You see, I wouldn't be here without you. Because life, right here, has been everything and nothing that we thought or planned it to be. Yet, still, I know it's where I belong. And that's because of you.

So, again, thank you.

Cooking is not for me, thank you

*photo by *December Sun

I love Thanksgiving! It is one of my favorite holidays. I love the idea behind it: being thankful and giving. It is one day of the year that I think people really take the time to reflect and be grateful for what they have, no matter how little (and of course, how much). I am grateful for many things, and one of them is not cooking on Thanksgiving. Every Thanksgiving I am reminded of how lucky I am to have a family who understands and accepts me for what I am not - Mademoiselle Chef.

So, while everyone is up early in the morning, cooking, I take my time and enjoy the one morning of the year that I don't have to rush out of the house. I make myself a cup of coffee, sit outside my balcony and breathe. And I reflect. I think about all the things that I am thankful for, and I'm not sure whether it's the good coffee, the fresh air (as fresh as Los Angeles air can be) or it's the time I take to actually be still with my thoughts, but within a few minutes I am overcome with this immense feeling of bliss, like that giddy happiness type of feeling. And in that moment, I am reminded of the many, many other things I am thankful for (not in any particular order):

1. Hugs and kisses from my bubbly nephew, and our long conversations that never cease to astonish me.
2. My relationship with my brothers.
3. A recession-free job.
4. Two sets of parents, who are great friends to each other.
5. My niece, who has become my favorite student.
6. A best friend I can always call to get me through a two hour commute.
7. Sundays with my favorite "lil men".
8. The "praise and worship" group, who don't complain about my mediocre "keyboarding".
9. An assistant who puts up with my micro-managing habits and different moods.
10. Legs and lungs that allow me to do what I love - run.
11. People who are concerned about my life, sometimes, more than I am.
12. A boss and colleague, who, sometimes, trusts my abilities more than I do.
13. My mentor who always believes in me, and lets me go on my own path.
14. Old, childhood girlfriends who don't bring up my past mistakes or mishaps.
15. The beautiful skies of Madrid that erased all that was negative.
16. A life full of love.
17. Etc., etc., etc.

I can go on and on. And I do this every Thanksgiving. It really makes me realize how my life is rich with caring and loving people. You should try it. I'm sure you'll find that there is at least one thing to be thankful for even when your world seems to be collapsing. You see, sometimes, it is very easy to lose sight of those that are good in our lives. I lose sight of them all the time: when I'm working until 2:00 a.m. trying to meet a deadline. Or I have been on the road for an hour and half only to travel 25 miles to get home. Or a judge questions my competence because I have a client who just cannot understand the meaning of patience, or consequence. Or a relationship doesn't work out the way I had wished, leaving me with doubt and indescribable pain.

But, again, Thanksgiving reminds me that despite my shortcomings, i.e. inability to cook, there has always been plenty of delicious food for me to eat (which I love!), many places to eat them at, and remarkable people to eat them with.

Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you have as much to be thankful for as I do.