it's pretty awesome ...

via Better Than Fine

"Have you ever just looked at someone and thought, 'I really love you.'  They're just talking or humming or watching a movie or reading a book or laughing or something, and there's something about them in that moment - their body is alive, there's a light in their eyes, something - that makes you think, 'I just really love you.'  It's a weird sensation to think this, but it's pretty awesome that we can feel this way about another being."

via a dreamer's daze

thursday's tune.

"sealed with a kiss"

Scene: Coffee Shop

(U2's "All I Want Is You" playing in the background)

he watched her stir her coffee from across the table.

something he had watched her do a hundred times.

but there was something different about the way

she looked at the swirls in her cup that morning.

the way she smiled, as if she and the coffee shared an inside joke.

do you think we can do this thing? he asked.

she looked at him, what thing?

the me and you thing?

you mean, the 'we' thing, she said.  because you and i had been 

doing the you and me thing for quite awhile now.

well, yeah, he said as his gaze turned to his coffee mug.  i'm ...

what do you think? she asked.

he looked at her again, and suddenly there were no more questions.

yes, he said.

she smiled.  then, she leaned across the table and kissed him.

then, i'm in, she answered.

rememberin' '80's music

There's something romantic about the '80's ~ a cheesy, but incredibly hopeful and heartfelt romanticism that's missing in today's times.   

There's definitely something about '80's love songs that tug at my heart.  Remember this?

What if we skipped the in-between?

Over dinner last night, the topic of destiny came up.  My friend is a big believer in destiny.  In fate. 

I met someone I want to see again, but don't know how.  Yet, I told my friends that I believe if he's meant to be in my life, our paths will cross again.  It's just a matter of when.

I guess, you can say, I, too, believe in destiny.  In fate.

But, it's because I've witnessed it.  Been a part of it. 

I once dated a guy who I actually met two years prior to dating him.  We met in passing, work-related, spoke for a few minutes, and in those few minutes, I knew I liked something about him.  So much that I called my best friend afterwards and told her I just experienced a "big crush" moment.  I saw him one other time, within that same week, while I was having lunch with my best friend.  Perhaps, just so I can point him out to her.  Then, nothing.  Didn't see him again.    

Fast forward two years later, a different friend (who had no idea about my crush) sets me up.  With my "big crush."

Okay, we didn't work out.  But, he changed me.  He made a permanent mark in my life.

Then, after several other examples of friends of friends who've had past missed encounters with the person they eventually ended up marrying, we talked about the person I loved (and lost) long ago, the person called by friends as Mr. Wonderful.  And I told them how after getting to know each other, Mr. Wonderful and I realized we could've met five years earlier. 

At that my friend nearly screamed, "And you could've skipped the whole awful-ex-boyfriend part!"  (Yes, maybe, I could've.)  You see, the reason I didn't go to the exchange program where I could've met Mr. Wonderful was because I had just started dating the awful ex-boyfriend, and my young self didn't want to leave her boyfriend.  "You could've skipped all of that!" my friend said again. 

And that's when we pondered about: what if we just skipped the in-between?  If two people are meant to be together anyway, what's the point of the missed encounters, the brief meetings?  If Mr. Wonderful and I were meant to end up together anyway, why couldn't we have just met five years earlier?  So, I could've missed the whole awful ex-boyfriend part!

"But that's not life," my other friend said.  "You were supposed to go through the awful ex-boyfriend part!  You were supposed to experience that."  

God has a funny sense of humor.  Because life is quite an irony.  The reason I finally broke up with the awful ex-boyfriend?  Because I met Mr. Wonderful.   

And yes, we didn't work out either.  But he changed my life, too.  In such big ways.  And because of that, the questions had to be asked: what if we had met five years earlier?  Skipped all of the in-between?  Would we have worked out?

There are no answers to those questions.  That wasn't our life.  That wasn't our story.     

But, will I see this new, mysterious guy again? 

I think so.

In the meantime, I'm going to embrace this in-between part.  At least, I don't have the awful ex-boyfriend.  At least, I can enjoy it.  And I should.  And I will.  Because this is life. 

photo: Hidehiko Sakashita

Yellow.

I am a huge Coldplay fan.  And after seeing them in concert a couple of years ago, my love for them (esp. Chris Martin) was sealed.  And although I absolutely love most of their songs, this song touches me in a different way.  It claimed my heart the moment I heard it.

But, I was a delayed Coldplay fan.  I discovered them after they had already released their first two albums.  I discovered them the summer I was studying for the Bar exam.  I remember I was sitting in my car, in the parking lot of where my review class was held, and trying to concentrate on another set of 10 multiple choice questions, which I routinely did before each class.  But, I couldn't concentrate.  My mind was at the upcoming Bar exam, whether I had time to go to the bank, whether I had money in the bank, my Europe trip after the Bar, and the "boy" I was (unknowingly) falling in love with.  My mind was everywhere except those 10 questions I was supposed to answer.  And then, this song came on the radio.  Immediately, a sweeping calmness came over me.  Everything that was crowding my mind disappeared, and I was left with this song.  And for the first time that summer, everything was clear.  Everything made sense.  My heart spoke, and I heard it.

So, every time I hear this song, I remember that day.  I remember that feeling of clarity.  Of love.  Of undeniable, life-changing, exciting, silly-can't-stop-smiling, breathtaking, don't-want-to-be-without-you kind of love.  The kind of love that needed no words.  Just a look and we knew.  The smile in our eyes said it all.  This song reminds me that kind of love is real.  It is possible.  It exists.

It reminds me that no matter what happened, I became a better person because of that love.  And that I am forever grateful (and feel extremely lucky blessed) to have experienced it.  All.  The confusion, the messiness, the tears, the anger, the disappointments, the heartache, the lowest lows and the highest highs, the excitement, the happiness.  And especially, the laughter.  We laughed.  We talked.  A lot.  But boy, did we laugh.  That's what I remember the most.  How much we laughed. 

I believe people come into our lives for a reason.  He came into mine to make me realize what I needed.  What I wanted.  Every time I hear this song, and I think of him, I remember: the man I marry will be the one who makes me laugh even when my heart is breaking.

To the Dexters and Emmas of the world

I'm still reading One Day.  I intend to finish the book before the movie comes out.  It has taken me longer than I thought it would.  You know, been busy with work.  (And a little playtime here and there.) 

Anyhow, last night, I was at the part when Dex told Emma he was getting married.  And I felt this pang ... in my chest.  Somewhere close to my heart.  It made me wonder whether everyone has/have/had a Dex or an Emma.  Meaning, that person that made you smile, just upon hearing their name.  That person you think about when you think of the word crush or like or ... maybe, in love.  But it's also the person that you think about when you hear the word "almost" or "maybe" or "not quite."  The person you wonder about because they're not presently in your daily life, no matter how much they are presently in your daily mind.  And in your heart.  It's that why not person.  That whatever happened to person.  The could've been great but quite don't know person.  If you believe in all of those things.    

And reading the exchange between Dex and Emma upon the news of Dex's engagement made me want to call the Dex in my life.  Tell him to give me fair warning before he gets engaged.  Or married.  Give me fair warning before I lose him.  Again.  I just want to know ahead of time.  

Here's the exchange that made me feel that pang (that feeling that I'm afraid to lose him, but at the same time, I wonder, what am I losing?):

'But you're happy?'

'Yeah?  I think I am.  Are you?'

'Happier.  Happyish.'

'Happyish.  Well, happyish isn't so bad.'

'It's the most we can hope for.'  The fingertips of her left hand passed across the surface of a statute that seemed familiar, and now Emma knew exactly where they were.  Turning right, and then left would bring them out into the rose garden again, back into the party, back to his fiancee and their friends, and there would be no more time to talk.  She suddenly felt a startling sadness, so stopped for a moment, turned and took both of Dexter's hands in her own.

'Can I say something?  Before we go back to the party?'

'Go on.'

'I'm a little drunk.'

'Me too.  That's okay.'

'Just ... I missed you, you know.'

'I missed you too.'

'But so, so much, Dexter.  There were so many things I wanted to talk to you about, and you weren't there -'

'Same here.'

'And I feel a little guilty, sort of running away like that.'

'Did you?  I didn't blame you.  There were times when I was being a little ... obnoxious.'

'More than a little, you were bloody awful -'

'I know -'

'Selfish, and stuck-up and boring actually -'

'Yes, you've made that point -'

'But even so.  I should have stuck it out a bit, what with your mum and everything -'

'That's no excuse though.'

'Well, no, but it was bound to give you a knock.'

'I've still got that letter you wrote.  It's a very beautiful letter, I appreciated it.'

'But still, I should have tried harder to get in touch.  You're meant to stick by your friends aren't you?  Take the blow?'

'I don't blame you -'

'But even so.' To her embarrassment, she found that there were tears in her eyes.

'Hey, hey, what's up, Em?'

'I'm sorry, drunk too much is all ...'

'Come here.'  He put his arm around her, his face against the bare skin of her neck, smelling shampoo and damp silk, and she breathed into his neck, his aftershave and sweat and alcohol, the smell of his suit, and they stood like this for a while until she caught her breath and spoke.

'I tell you what it is.  It's ... when I didn't see you, I thought about you every day, I mean every day in some way or another -'

'Same here -'

' - even if it was just "I wish Dexter could see this" or "where's Dexter now?" or "Christ, that Dexter, what an idiot", you know what I mean, and seeing you today, well, I thought I'd got you back - my best friend.  And now all this, the wedding, the baby - I'm so, so happy for you, Dex.  But it feels like I've lost you again.'

(One Day by David Nicholls)

       

I think I would cry, too, the day he tells me he's getting married.  I wonder if he'd feel the same way should it be I who gets married first.

I know that the Dexters and Emmas are difficult to understand.  At least, my circle of friends don't.  Although they make great fictional characters and their stories are what romance movies are made of - people don't get them.  In real life.  Maybe, I don't either.  But, I get the feeling.  Those are real.

My cousin posted this short story "Long Walk to Forever" by Kurt Vonnegut, Jr. on her site.  Reminds me of another Dex and Emma.  (I'm just not sure whether they have the same ending.)  But, it's a great short story.  Check it out: http://www.angelfire.com/or/grace/longwalk.html. 

Photo via

A little romance

I saw this movie when I was ten years old.  And I fell in love.  With Italy.  With Diane Lane.  (I've been a fan since then.)

After watching this movie, I was a confirmed, bona fide hopeless romantic.  And I thought I was going to marry my best friend, a nine-year-old hopeless romantic poet, who loved the Beatles, serenaded me with Lionel Ritchie and Stevie Wonder songs, and introduced me to his dad as the girl he was going to someday marry.

I thought, one day, we will go to Italy, ride a gondola, kiss under the bridge as the sun sets, and live happily ever after.  Wow!  I can't believe I just wrote all of that.  I haven't thought about that in a VERY LONG TIME.

I guess, those are the kind of dreams that only come from the hearts of the very young.

I should really go to bed.  I must be really tired.

sappy-girly-kinda mood

I want to see this. (It reminds me of someone.)

But, honestly, I just heard about the book a couple of weeks ago. (Bad me for not keeping up with my New York Times Bestseller lists. Last year was really not a good year!) Anyhow, since I can't wait for the movie to come out, thought I'd read the book first. (People say that's a good thing, right? Well, not in my opinion because somehow, I never enjoy the movie when I read the book first, but, oh well!  I love Anne, so I know I'll like the movie.  And Jim Sturgess is quite a cutie!)

However, since all three copies of the book are still checked out from the library (yes, I still go to the library!), and have been checked out for the last three weeks, thought I should just buy it. Tomorrow. And as geeky as this may sound, am so excited! To read.  The book.  (So, I MUST finish reading all these depressing, disturbing transcripts - tonight.)

Then, I can enjoy my weekend - sappy-girly-kinda weekend.

(This story really reminds me of someone.)

when you least expect it

you find love.

it was love.

you love.

him.

photo: beingjoey

the perfect date.

i'd say yes. 

over

and

over

and

over 

again. 

and again. 

and again.

p.s. i love these lights.  i love trees with lights.  outdoor dining.  this setting.  and of course, the man who knows all of that.  :)  

source: inspiri

the things that make us smile

I write a lot when I'm sad.  Or when I just have a lot on my mind.  It helps me sort out my thoughts.  Express the feelings I cannot articulate otherwise.  Hence, a lot of recent posts from me.  If you've noticed, as well, I have this "things that make you smile" series.  Well, it's what helps me cope and move on.  Reminds me that there are things to smile about despite whatever circumstances are breaking my heart. 

Around this time last year was really difficult for me.  My great-aunt died unexpectedly and my stepfather was dying from cancer.  After letting this blog go for some time at the end of 2009 and beginning of 2010, I started writing again around this time.  When everything around me seemed to be standing on an unsteady platform. 

Hence, my pattern.  I write.

I still believe there are many things to smile about despite the heartaches life throws at us.  I do believe that it's important to move forward, and to not allow the bad things that happened to us or the things that hurt us define who we are.  I'm a firm believer in seeking out the things that make us happy.  Remember my last post of 2010?  I said I will choose to be happy.  I still choose to be happy.  

But I'm human.  And I feel.  I read somewhere a long time ago that we should never apologize for the way we feel because that is the one truth we have.  Our feelings.  There is nothing more real and true than what we are feeling.  I mean, we can try to rationalize our thoughts.  Compose ourselves - our behavior.  We can control the way we react to our feelings, but the feelings themselves are raw.  Not carefully composed or designed or organized.  Although feelings, those things that we feel at our core, deep inside, are sometimes difficult to define or explain or even (most often) unseen by others, they are real.  They exist.  They are true.            

But again, despite what I am feeling, I choose happiness.  And I seek out the things that make me smile, like the picture above.  Because like many things in life, good or bad, this too shall pass.  So, we can cry because it hurts, but we must also remember to smile.  And to choose happiness.   

photo: Diane Hammond

"because i'm a sucker for happy endings."

- via observando

her friend said, "i'm rooting for the two of you. 

i want to hear a happy ending."

she said, "it'll be a happy ending.  either way." 

the royal wedding

he said: i don't get it.

she said: just because. 

she wanted to be reminded of a time

when she believed in happy endings.

p.s. i just love the little cute frowny girl.  she's the most adorable bridesmaid ever.

on dating.

she said: i just want to go out with someone

who is not afraid to fall in love with me.

*photo via

"Don't sweat the small stuff."

Advice given to me today by my aesthetician.  "But don't ignore the profound issues either.  If there are any," she continued. 

Then, as she performed a rather "private" procedure, she went on and on about her own private life ... about the quirks and habits of her husband's that "make her nuts," but in the overall scheme of things were not deal-breakers.  "He is a wonderful man.  Although it bugs me how he can't just throw his socks into the laundry basket after he takes them off, it won't kill me." 

Then, she shared with me the unspeakable: "In a few years, his quirks will be yours, as well." 

My honest response: "How scary!" 

But I said that with a smile.  :)

*photo via