Then, today, I read this blog that was recently started by a 92-year-old man, who just lost his wife of 67 years. Reading his blog and the reason he started it reminded me of my reasons. I looked through my old files and found this post I wrote on my first blog site (one I deleted years ago), but I kept the post and I'm glad I did. It's a record of change ... and the journey that's taken me to here.
My great love (written June 4, 2006)
Well, it was a typical Monday holiday - me at home sitting on the floor with a foot high of transcripts to read and outline. It was a hot and beautiful Memorial Day. I kept looking outside at my balcony and wishing that I could just lie outside, feel the hot sun on my face and relax. But, I told myself that I needed to get through those transcripts, so I tried to trudge on. I couldn't. But, rather than distract myself with MySpace, I thought I'd check on my friend's wedding registry. Yeah, her wedding was a month away, but her invitation was on the stack of bills behind the foot-high stack of transcripts, and I figured, I'd do something different and buy the wedding gift early. Not my usual last minute shopping an hour before I have to leave for the wedding. So, there I was on weddingchannel.com. Checked my friend's registry, but there was not much there, so mission wasn't accomplished. Then, I thought, I wonder if he was getting married. Let me check ... just for the heck of it. Who knew? If it popped up then it confirmed everything that I thought. So, I typed in his name, clicked on "Enter" ... and there it was: his wedding registry. I can't remember what went through my head at that moment. But I was certain that my heart stopped beating for a little while. I just kept staring at the screen. And when I was finally able to gasp in some air, I broke down. And my head must have been spinning, like a movie reel out of control with snapshots of him and me.
I don't know how long I sat there in front of the computer. I can't even remember what I really felt. All I remember is that it hurt to breathe. I thought I was having some kind of asthma attack and I didn't think I had asthma. For a moment I thought I was having a heart attack, but I realized that it was just my heart breaking.
After what seemed like a long time, I finally composed myself and went back to reading those damn transcripts. But after several pages of God-knows-what, I put the transcript down and gave up. I knew I needed to clear my head. I needed to get out and drive ... wherever. I thought, I deserved some ice cream. Ice cream was supposed to make me feel better. So, I drove and drove, cried and cried. I ended up at Coffee Bean. Not exactly ice cream, but a good second best.
I allowed myself to sit there, enjoy the hot sun while I sipped my ice-cold White Chocolate Latte. The thing is I always questioned my feelings for him. I guess because in large part, everyone else questioned it. People have this thing about what love is supposed to be. How could I love him when he was with someone else? How could I love him over someone who I spent six years of my life with? How could I love him? But I did. No ifs and buts. There are just some things you can't explain. I just know that because of him I am now a changed person. And maybe that's what great loves are supposed to be. They come into your life to break you down, change you, but that's their only purpose, and although you're forever changed for having had them in your life, they cannot stay. They are meant to be set free, and you are meant to let them go. In ways that he probably will never know, he taught me what it means to be in love. And as cliche as the term may be, I was in love. Because of that, I am a better person than I was before he entered my life.
In the end I let him go because I couldn't stand to see him confused and hurt. I couldn't stand to be the cause of any heartache in his life. For two years, I went through every single emotion from hurt to regret to anger - everything. And now, I realize that maybe I had to go through all of that to open myself up for my next great love. Finding out he was getting married turned my whole world upside down. But finally, he (it) let me go. And I'm just looking forward to falling in love again. Nothing wrong with being in love. It can be very painful sometimes, but in the end, it's worth it all. I wish him a lifetime of happiness with her.
***
It was worth it.
Sometimes after we've been hurt, we forget the awesome feeling of loving someone. We want to close our hearts because it's safer. But in closing our hearts we lose out on some of the best times and experiences we can have. In closing our hearts, we lose out on the possibilities that change brings ... because it's love that changes us. It changes everything.
Thanks for sharing! I think that's very brave, and you made some great points in there about love and loss. Happy holidays!
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