thursday's tune.

I've had this on repeat since Meg posted it on her site.  I can write motions all day to this song.  I can even read another DUI trial transcript (or two) while this song keeps me company.  (Okay, two may be an exaggeration, but I do love this song.)

Happy Thursday, everyone!  Any plans for the long weekend?  I'm so looking forward to it.  How times have changed.  Memorial Day six years ago was when my heart stopped beating for awhile.  When that stabbing pain pierced so deep I couldn't breathe.  When I believed that a part of me died, and I couldn't see past the pain.

Wow!  That was six years ago.  I'm repeating that out loud right now with a smile.  I can't stop smiling.  It must be love, you're thinking.  Right?

Well, of course.  But it's not what you're thinking.  That's the best part of it, in fact.

I found the ending to my book.  :)

Okay, before I go on complete vacation mode, I do have to finish this brief, so if you don't hear from me again until next week, have a fabulous long weekend!     

it makes sense

Avignon, France
May 2008

"Being free implies choosing your path, and each step can change our destiny - what's very frightening sometimes.  But today, looking back, I see that my days were perfect: whatever I needed came exactly when I needed it.  At the time, all I needed was to read for five years.  I did it and that was essential for me.

"As Schopenhauer says, when you see what you have overcome, you have the impression that you have followed a plot that had already been written.  However, at the moment of action, you seem to be lost in a storm: surprise after surprise, and many times with no time to breathe, having to make decisions all the time.  Only later will you understand that each surprise, each decision, made sense."  ~ Joseph Campbell (See entire article here.)

I've been reading old posts from this blog, and posts from my old blog before I started this one.  Even though I didn't realize it at the time, I was chronicling my journey to here - the present I was struggling to get to.  And it is quite amazing to see that everything does come together.  Decisions, feelings, actions that didn't make sense at the time now do.  It's easy to say if only I knew better then or I wish I knew this then, but you see, we wouldn't be where we are now if we didn't go through the then.  I needed to go through all the messiness, the storms, the heartbreaks and mistakes (so many mistakes!) to get to here.  And here isn't the end either.  There will be more.  As long as I'm breathing, as long as you're breathing, we have to deal with the here, the now.  But what I've finally learned is to be present for it.  To be present in the here.  To embrace it.  Who cares if I said all the wrong things yesterday (or eight years ago)?  I have an opportunity today, right now, to say the right things. 

Let's not allow this moment to pass us by ... I am so in love with this song.  And with right now.  :)

   

Time

I read this quote from Lao Tzu in Sam's post today: "Time is a created thing.  To say 'I don't have time' is to say 'I don't want to.'"     

I'm always struggling with time because I always think there's just never enough of it.  Or sometimes, it just seems to be moving way to fast, and I want it to slow down.  But, I remember being a kid, and thinking time was moving too slowly.  I wanted it to speed up.  

I guess, I'm never satisfied.  

But, I do agree with Lao Tzu that time is a created thing.  Actually, that was the reason I started this blog.  To remind myself to make time for the things and people that I care about.  Now, like Sam, I'm not quite sure about the latter part of the quote.  There are many things that I want to do but I really, sincerely don't have time to do all of them.  So, I have to choose.  And I guess, that's where priorities come in.  The older I get, the more I find myself being really picky about my commitments, i.e. my relationships and friendships.  I find myself being really picky about what I do on a Friday or Saturday night.  Or even on a Tuesday afternoon.  Since I do feel that time is moving especially fast, and there's just not enough of it in any given day, I have to choose how I spend the time I do create for others.  And the time I create for myself.     

But now, it's time to go back to work.  Happy Monday, everyone! 

photo: Albert Buzzi

some things to smile about

The rain. 

The sky just before the sun sets. 

This song.

Green smoothies.

Second chances.

(the possibility of a second chance)

Forgiveness.

Family.

A church family.

Love.

This quote:

"Love will break you.  Nobody can protect you from that,

and living alone won't either, for solitude will also break

you with its yearning.  You have to love.  You have to

feel.  It is the reason you are here on earth.  You are here

to risk your heart.  You are here to be swallowed up.

And when it happens that you are broken, or betrayed,

or left, or hurt, or death brushes near, let yourself sit

by an apple tree and listen to the apples falling all

around you in heaps, wasting their sweetness.  Tell

yourself you tasted as many as you could."

(Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum)

after the storm.

Been listening to this by Secret Garden. 

It does get better. 

We need the rain sometimes.  I've noticed that the harder it rains, the bigger the storm, the clearer and brighter the sky looks afterwards.  The light shines through the clouds.  The trees are greener.  The bricks are redder.  The most beautiful days are the ones after the storm.   

this moment.

when you feel like you can do anything,

when fear finally released its tight grip,

and you know,

because you feel it

so strongly

from deep inside,

that great things are

about to happen,

waiting,

waiting is tough.

i feel great things are about to happen.

dreams will be coming true.

and so, i'm anxious.

for things to just happen.

right now.

then, i remind myself,

don't lose this moment.

this moment is your dream

coming true.

2012 theme song.

Don't know much about your life
Don't know much about your world
But don't want to be alone tonight
On this planet they call Earth

You don't know about my past
And I don't have a future figured out
And maybe this is going too fast
And maybe it's not meant to last

But what do you say to taking chances?
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay
What do you say, what do you say?

I just want to start again
Maybe you could show me how to try
May you could take me in
Somewhere underneath your skin

What do you say to taking chances?
What do you say to jumping off the edge?
Never knowing if there's solid ground below
Or hand to hold, or hell to pay
What do you say, what do you say?

And I had my heart beating down
But I always come back for more, yeah
There's nothing like love to pull you up
When you're lying down on the floor there
So talk to me, talk to me like lovers do
Yeah, walk with me, walk with me like lovers do

Don't know much about your life
Don't know much about your world.

springtime inspiration.

Springtime.

Always feels like a re-awakening for me.

I feel different, I told my friend.  But the same.  Renewed.  Released. 

It's been a very busy week.  I've been juggling multiple cases, and working on one pleading after another.  My brain has been spinning and turning.  I love it!  Especially because I finally realized, I can be creative in law.  Law is about being creative.  Why the heck had I been fighting it?     

So, the last few days, since my late revelation, I've been happily sitting in front of the computer, with my hair up in a messy bun, glasses pressing down my nose, and Moroccan Mint Tea latte by my side.  Stacks of treatises and manila folders have formed a circle around me.  It's wonderful.  I feel found.  At home.  

    

clouds + cloud(ed)

I took this picture last Sunday.

It's one out of probably twenty I took of the clouds.

I just love how they fill the sky after the rain.

I wish everyday looked like this.

I've been struggling all afternoon.

After spending all morning in court, I came back into

the office with a dreadful headache.

Not to mention I hurt my neck last night,

and now, I can't turn my head to the right or to the left.

So, instead of working, I've been scrolling through old files, old blog posts,

and old (email) "reminders" I used to send to myself.

I came across this "reminder" I sent on March 30, 2011:

"Just came back from Phoenix.  Remember this: he motivates and inspires me

to be the best possible me.  I love him for that."

I was talking about A, who I've mentioned a couple of times

(though not sure if I've ever referenced him as "A").

But I wrote several posts about him, like here, here, and here. 

A and I are not speaking anymore.

But that has a lot more to do with me than him.

Today, especially after reading the reminders and previous posts,

I wondered why I pushed him out of my life.

Because I miss him everyday.

But, then I read the posts again.

The post about Dexter and Emma (One Day),

and I remembered why I pushed him out of my life.

Self-preservation.

I'm not saying it's right or wrong.

Many days I wish I could take it back.

But, we can't change how we feel.

I can't change mine, and he can't change his.

So, we do what's best for us.

I did what was best for me.

At the time.

I miss him though.

Everyday.

something is telling me that

And that's why riding out the bad days, those melancholy phases in life, when our hearts are overflowing with tears, is worth it.  Nothing more heavenly than sunshine after the rain.  Nothing more beautiful (and magical) than the rainbow that follows.  

via

this week in rewind + things to be grateful for

Time seems to pass much faster the older we get.  Doesn't it?  February came and went.  Just like that. 

But, this week, I thought, rather than thinking, "geez, it's already March," probably the way to look at it is, wow, it's only March!  Because truth is, a lot has happened since the start of the year.  A lot has happened since the first of February.  Life is ever-moving.  Each new day brings in new possibilities.  New discoveries.  New beginnings.  And endings.  I am in love with life.  And I fall deeper and deeper in love with it everyday. 

At the start of this year, I told myself, that despite the heavy weight on my heart, I will begin and end every day with thank you.  But, of course, there are days when I don't feel very grateful.  I had a lot of those days (moments) this week.  Especially the latter part of the week.  But, I willed myself to sit still, even for just a few minutes, and take a hard look at life, my life, and I realized there is much to be grateful for every day.  Even on my bad days.  During Wednesday's prayer meeting, one of the boys said he was grateful for just being there.  His friend passed away on Monday.  He just didn't wake up.  They were playing football Sunday afternoon, he experienced chest pains Sunday night, and his parents were going to take him to the doctor on Monday.  But he didn't wake up.  He was eighteen years old.  

So, I'm grateful for this morning.  The ability to write this post.   

And, I'm grateful for ...

... this song.  Mat Kearney has been a comforting companion this week.

... the realization that although friendships change (painfully), as well, and someone who was once your best friend can turn into a fleeting presence in your life, there is someone else who gladly takes her place, and becomes the person whose words make everything better. 

... Annie Hall.  Someone once told me that he was surprised I had never seen this movie because it's definitely a movie I'd love.  I watched it for the first time on Friday night.  He was right.  It's my recent addition to my list of favorite movies.

... beautiful weather, beautiful views and long walks.

Los Feliz - Griffith Park Loop

Distance: 3.8 miles

Steps: 463

Happy Sunday, everyone!  Enjoy your day.  

 

Your (heart's) voice.

Find it.

Claim it.

Share it.

I think for a living.  I get paid to review, analyze, and argue.  Based on facts.  Based on law.  There's no room for feelings.  It doesn't matter if the facts makes me uneasy.  Or sad.  It doesn't matter if the issue's legal precedence makes me angry. 

I'm supposed to think.  Analyze.  Argue. 

Not feel.

But the voice that comes from the mind speaks differently from the voice that comes from the heart.  The mind has the ability to spring back and leap forward.  The heart stays present.    

Who are you? he asked.  Tell me who you are.  Not who you think you should be.  I want to know your heart.  How you feel.  Not what you think you should be feeling. 

She closed her eyes.

I miss you.  I miss you.  I miss you. 

Photo by Margaret Morrissey



Wait.

Have you ever heard a song, and instantly, your heart broke?  One minute you were one whole person and the next minute, you became someone completely different?

Changed.

Well, this song did that to me. 

Then, the other night, while watching the season finale of Parenthood, I realized something: we never know.  We won't know how we'll feel about a given situation until we're right there, faced with it.  And I know, it's a little "nutty" that a television show made me realize that, but it did.  And afterwards, I was a mess.  I never thought a show and a wedding and a Bob Dylan song* could make me cry like that.  But, it did.  And again, I was changed.   

We'll never know who we'll end up loving.  Until we meet that person.  Or, unfortunately, sometimes, not until we lose that person.   

A long time ago, I heard someone say, I didn't know what I was missing until I found it. 

Well, I didn't know what that person meant, until I felt it.

We just never know.

I never knew this song would break my heart until I heard it.  And I felt it.

I'll wait for  you, I'll wait for you alone
And I'll wait for you, I'll wait for you alone.



*Maybe it was the fact that it was a cover of the Bob Dylan song that I posted a couple of days ago (hint: the one Adele did a cover of).  Who would've thunk?

balance

Today, I was not at my best.

Although I didn't start out that badly.

I got up early enough to make myself breakfast,

cook my lunch (and dinner), and I even got to

watch Brad Pitt's and Jonah Hill's interview on the Today show.

I drafted (and finished) a pleading.

By noon, I had done quite a bit (a lot).

But, then, I couldn't work anymore.

Almost as if I couldn't function.

It hurt to even sit on my chair.

I just stared at the computer screen,

trying to talk myself into starting the tedious task

of reviewing the five-hundred-page discovery in front of me.

But, I couldn't.

Next thing I knew, it was 1:30.

I had been trying to convince myself to work for over an hour.

So, finally, I just took a deep breath, closed my eyes,

and pulled out my new read for the week:

The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.

Maybe reading something aside from investigation reports

will rejuvenate me.

It didn't.

As good as the read was, my mind wandered.

I needed to work, but I also didn't want to.

And I couldn't force myself to anymore.

So, I left the office.

And I did yoga.  Then, pilates.

 I realized, it was what I needed.

I've been so busy trying to juggle the additional work

I've taken on, along with book clubs and writing classes,

and not to mention cooking and trying to maintain

my new healthy-eating-habits, that I haven't had

time to really work out.

I mean, I've always been a very busy person.

Or maybe I should rephrase that and say,

I am a person who loves to keep herself very busy.

But that busyness must include certain things I cannot be without.

Because when I don't have those things in my life,

I feel imbalanced.

I feel incomplete.

Aside from working many hours, I need art in my life.

I need to read novels and listen to music and

look at photographs, or take pictures, and

write stories (or blogs).

But I also need physical activity.

I need to take long walks or hikes or go for a run.

I need to stretch until my heart begins to race.

I need to feel the pull in my muscles and my lungs expand.

I need to feel my blood rush through my body.

I need movement.

Movement was what I was lacking.

(I had not been able to work out for a week.)

So, movement was what I gave myself.

It's amazing what an hour of yoga and pilates can do.

I feel at my best again.

Now, I can enjoy the rest of the evening

with The Immortal Life of Henrietta Lacks.

Have a good night, everyone!

Photo by me.

"Everything in its perfect time"

"Some things you're not letting happen right now

because the timing isn't perfect for you.

Some you're not letting happen because

you are very aware of where you are.  But

all things, as they are happening,

are happening in perfect order.  And if you

will relax and begin saying,

'Everything in its perfect time.

Everything is unfolding.  And I'm enjoying

where I am now, in relationship to where

I'm going.  Content where I am,

and eager for more,'

that is the perfect vibrational stance."

(-Abraham Hicks)

photo via

finding creativity

As one of my many new year's resolutions this year, I started taking writing classes again.  And after one of our ten-minute writing exercises, inspired by words and phrases around us, I came up with this:

It was a chain reaction
our heated and passionate
talks in the hallway
turned into sinfully good
times in our own created
enchanting island.

We were native souls,
flirty without a hint of care
but inspired at every turn
from the leather bound books
that embraced us to my
dangling braids the color of honey.

Sadie said I was dragging her old habit,
but the apple of my cheeks
still craved for your lips.

And oh, wasn't it a universal appeal?

She said stop fretting over that summer.
But what is less understood is that I didn't.
I just missed the chocolate deliveries
and honey-glazed turkey we shared.

After this writing exercise, I was tickled.  It was the closest thing to a poem that I've written in a VERY LONG TIME.  And probably not my best work.  We had ten minutes to flip through magazines and books for phrases that jumped at us.  And another ten minutes to put it all in one piece.  But still, I wrote a poem.  It was a breakthrough. 

Because you see, I have always believed that in able to write a poem, you have to be courageous enough to delve into your soul, tear your heart apart and pull it outside of you.  Let the world touch it and influence it.  Let the world break it, dissect it, and put it back to pieces.  You have to allow yourself to be vulnerable.   

After that class, I felt alive again.  Me again. 

And yesterday, I took these pictures during my hike.  I wanted to capture the remains of raindrops on a flower.  Not bad, I say.  :)

The Light

In the morning it comes
Heaven sent a hurricane
Not a trace of the sun
But I don't even run from rain

Beating out of my chest
Heart is holding on to you
From the moment I knew
From the moment I knew

You were the air in my breath
Filling up my love soaked lungs
Such a beautiful mess
Intertwined and overrun

Nothing better than this
Ooh, and then the storm can come
You feel just like the sun
Just like the sun

And if you say, "Be alright"
I'm gonna trust you, babe
I'm gonna look in your eyes
And if you say, "Be alright"
I'll follow you into the light

Never mind what I knew
Nothing seems to matter now
Ooh, who I was without you
I can do without

No one knows were it ends
How it may come tumbling down
But I'm here with you now
I'm with you now

And if you say, "Be alright"
I'm gonna trust you, babe
I'm gonna look in your eyes
And if you say, "Be alright"
I'll follow you into the light

Let the world come rushing
Come down hard, come crushing
All I need is right here beside me
And all the love I'm swearing
Take my love and wear it
Over your shoulders

And if you say, "Be alright"
I'm gonna trust you, babe
I'm gonna look in your eyes
And if you say, "Be alright"
I'll follow you into the light

you have to do things

"It's much easier to not know things sometimes.  Things change and friends

leave.  And life doesn't stop for anybody.  I wanted to laugh.  Or maybe get mad.

Or maybe shrug at how strange everybody was, especially me.  I think the idea is

that every person has to live for his or her own life and then make the choice to

share it with other people.  You can't just sit there and put everybody's lives ahead

of yours and think that counts as love.  You just can't.  You have to do things.  I'm

going to do what I want to do.  I'm going to be who I really am.  And I'm going

to figure out what that is.  And we could all sit around and wonder and feel bad

about each other and blame a lot of people for what they did or didn't do or what

they didn't know.  I don't know.  I guess there could always be someone to blame.

It's just different.  Maybe it's good to put things in perspective, but sometimes, I

think that the only perspective is to really be there.  Because it's okay to

feel things.  I was really there.  And that was enough to make me feel infinite

I feel infinite."

(Perks of Being a Wallflower, by Stephen Chbosky)

Perks of Being a Wallflower has become one of my recent favorite books.  I read it for the first time over a year ago, and it's the first book I've read in a really long time that I just couldn't put down.  I remember forcing myself to go to sleep only to wake up at 3:00 a.m. just to finish it. 

And then, I laughed and cried myself to sleep.  Sounds crazy, huh?  I thought I was delirious.  Maybe it was the lack of sleep.  But I say, it was the story.  It was the characters.  It was the words spoken in the voice of a young boy and the girl he loved that just touched every nerve inside of me, and evoked the passions and loves and aspirations of my fifteen-year-old self. 

photo via

Like Crazy

Finally saw it.  And it's painfully.  real.

The thing is we don't choose who we fall in love with.  We just fall.

And I've found that even if it hurts and ends up breaking our hearts, we are still considered lucky if we meet that someone who just fits.  Even if all the circumstances doesn't.  Because even in our saddest moments, he/she still makes us happy for having touched our lives.  Because he/she inspires us to be a better person.  And that, to me, is the core of happiness. 

After the movie, my friend asked me what if she got it wrong?  With her husband.  What if she could be happier?

I told her about a conversation I had with a mutual friend a couple of years ago.  We were talking about loss and relationships.  Life.  And I remember telling him that I was happy, and I realized that as much as it broke my heart to pieces when I let a certain someone go, I believe I had to go through that to be here.  I told him that I didn't think I'd be the person I have become if I didn't go through that.  The kind of pain that made it hard to breathe.  For months afterwards.  The agonizing regret that followed.  It changed me.  And I came out of it a different person.  A person I actually like.  A person I love.  And I'm happy.

He asked, "but what if you could've been happier?  With him?"

And I remember saying, "But I'm really happy now.  Why would I change this for something I don't know?  I can't live on a what if.  What if I could've been happier, but what if I could've been really sad?"

Maybe neither of us had the answer.  Maybe no one does.

All I know is that we can't help how we feel.  But the least we could do for ourselves is be real. 

The truth of the matter was, I told her, I loved him.  But I wasn't happy.  And it didn't feel right.  Something was missing.  And maybe it was just me.  But at the end of the day, I live with me.  Sleep with me.  Wake with me.  So I need(ed) to be okay.  And I wasn't okay.  And now that I'm more than okay, I know more than ever that I did the right thing.  At that moment, when I let him go, I knew I could be happier.  Because I wasn't. 

So, I asked her, are you happy?

deciding, choosing, committing.

I walked outside earlier,

after the rain had stopped,

and I was greeted by the smell

of the nearing winter.

I'm wistful for the year that's almost gone,

but hopeful for the days to come.  

For the new year.

It'll be a different year ~

different in many ways.

Because I finally chose,

and making a decision that can

change the course of my life

has got to be the most exciting thing. 

ever!

Many exciting changes. 

Many exciting things to come.

That's what happens when you finally decide

that your life is yours.

And you can choose to take it

wherever you want.

Live.  It.  The.  Way.  You.  Want.

I know it took me awhile.

To get here.

To decide.

To choose.

But, you see, it's not something I take very lightly.

Once I decide, once I choose,

I commit.

And I'm committing!

(to many changes)

(to dreams long overdue)

{smile}

p.s. i love this song.  :)

Photo via