becoming

Sometimes, who we are is not who we imagined ourselves to be.

And, sometimes, more often than not, that's perfectly okay.

Because we're constantly becoming.  

Although not the person we pictured in our minds, 

but definitely the person we were meant to be.

Sometimes, letting go means surrendering to God's plans.

And happiness means being free from our own.

| photo: morning drive |

p.s. I love sky shots.  This one has become my favorite.

full moon hike

Last Friday, I went with a hiking group for a full moon hike at Griffith Park.  It was a great way to end a tough week.  I had never been on a night hike before, and it was amazing.  The city lights looked beautiful.  And being high above the city, with the feel of the cool breeze on my face, all my worries seemed so far away.  Almost non-existent.  I can't wait to go on another night hike again.

Although honestly, I don't think I'd do it without a big group because it was a little scary walking down the hillside in the dark.  (I wouldn't go with just a few people either.)  Even though the moon was bright (and I sometimes cheated by turning on my mini flashlight), it was still difficult to see what I was stepping on or what was making noises in the bushes around me.  When we reached the bottom, noises became more distinct.  There were coyotes howling not too far from us.  For a few minutes, about ten of us gathered in a circle and contemplated whether we should make a run for it or walk slowly to our cars.  The howling eventually stopped, and we quickened our pace to the lit parking lot.  Needless to say, it was quite an adventure!

Sometimes, I really do love this city.

Los Angeles - this city I love and hate and

I have a love/hate relationship with this city.

And today I realized why.

I'm as close to a Los Angeles native most people I meet get.

Lived here almost my entire life.

Tonight, I went to a writer's networking event,

and everyone I spoke to were transplants.

Moved to L.A. because the weather is great and

it's where the action is - swirling with creative energy.

Really?

It's interesting to see this city from their eyes -

But, when I hear what they think of L.A.,

their experiences in moving here,

I'm reminded why I haven't left.

It's a tough place to move to.

It's a tough place to be alone.

It's a tough place to grow up in.

But, once you get to know it, become familiar

with the endless freeways and roads and become

accustomed to the hour-long traffic jams,

it stays with you.

Because Los Angeles in its vastness can expose you 

to different cultures and worlds in an hour's time.

And you just don't want to leave.

on writing | rejections and breaking the rules

On a Wednesday afternoon, in my outdoor writing haven.

Last night, during our writing class, our instructor pulled out a manila folder filled with rejection letters and sprawled them all over the floor.  There were hundreds of them in various sizes, colors and styles, but all stated pretty much the same thing: "Thank you for your submission ... But, I'm sorry ..."

As the other students and I rummaged through the letters, I felt this surge of excited anticipation I had been missing for a long while.  The excited anticipation was, however, for something you probably wouldn't expect.  Because it involved the one thing that is universally disliked, if not feared: rejection.  But, as my fingers touched those letters sent to my instructor, who by far, is the best writing instructor I've ever had, this feeling came over me - I can't wait for my first rejection letter.  Sound a little crazy?  Yes, I know.  But, you see, that rejection letter means something.  Would mean something.  Would mean I actually finished a written work - a short story, an essay, a novel - something.  A finished product.  And at this point, I just want a finished product.

Because at the rate I'm going, I'm never going to get there.  Although I can give a detailed summary of my novel, talk about all the complex situations the characters go through and even give a short biography on all of my characters, I can't move past writing the beginning of the story.  I keep re-writing it over and over again.  So, as of tonight, I decided to break the rules (whatever the rules may be).  I'll write the story from the middle to the end and go back to the start.

It fits so perfectly with my personality.  Remember how I said that introductions make me uncomfortable?  Well, apparently, writing introductions or beginnings are also challenging for me.  So, let's see how I do with this new rule-breaking strategy.  Start with the middle.  Wish me luck!  I do want to finish this novel already.

          

Starting over

Yesterday was about letting go.  And today is about starting over.  This picture was taken from my hike earlier.  It reminds me that no matter what I'm going through, the sun sets beautifully and will rise just the same.

Soundtrack: pieces of my heart

Today's topic for the Challenge is five songs or pieces of music that speak to you or bring back memories.  I love this topic since I have this visceral reaction to music.  It speaks directly to my heart.  And makes me realize things I was unaware of before.  Before I heard the song.  Feelings I didn't even know I had.  Or existed.

I used to collect soundtracks, and even though it has been a long time since I've actually bought one, I always pay attention to the music that they choose for particular scenes in television shows and movies.  When I'm working on my novel, I always go to music to inspire specific scenes or feelings.  I actually have a soundtrack specifically for writing time.  I have a soundtrack for my novel.  So, it's no wonder I have a soundtrack that traces the pieces of my heart.

Don't Know Why by Norah Jones

Reminds me of my last semester of law school, and picnic dinners in my barely furnished

apartment with the guy who taught me about being in love.

La Cienega Just Smiled by Ryan Adams

The summer of 2003.  Sometimes the best kind of love is the kind that takes you by surprise.

The Reason by Hoobastank

When things ended with that guy who taught me about being in love, I couldn't listen to this

song without burying my face in my hands and soaking it with tears.  I never thought a song

could break my heart as much as this one did.

Kite by U2

Reminds me that letting go doesn't have to mean that love is forever gone.

Every time I hear this song, it crushes my heart and restores it all at once.  It's amazing.


Myth by Beach House
The pain that comes with realization.
"It's never as it seems."

Okay, I'm cheating on this one and listing more than five because I need to include these songs:

So Cruel by U2

One of my most favorite U2 songs.  Inspires me to write because the lyrics just

rips me to pieces.  I wish I could write such brilliant poetry.

Yellow by Coldplay

Because I love Coldplay.  And every time I hear this song, I just fall in love.

Again and again.

What songs speak to you?

happy travels!

I know I haven't been doing a great job keeping up with the Blog Every Day in May Challenge.  I tell you, I'm quite disappointed with myself, too.  But, this thing called work (along with writing classes) has kept me very busy these days.  I know, what a stinker!  But, I noticed that today's topic is "only pictures," and I thought, yes, I can do that!  So, thought I'd share some of my favorite travel photos.  Hope you enjoy!

Aww, just looking at these make me want to go on vacation again!

writing day

Twelve hours later, 

ten pages completed 

and ready to be submitted.  

Inspired again.  

I guess, all I needed was a full writing day.  

And I'm back on track.

Sometimes, we just need to ride out the funk, and wait for it to pass.

Because it eventually does.  Always.

Happy

Day 14 of the Challenge!  Topic: ten things that make you really happy.  It was tough to limit it to ten, but here's mine:

From top left to right:

1.  My nephew and nieces.  Spending time with them makes me really happy.  I lose all concept of time and responsibilities.

2.  Dessert with friends.  Good conversation over ice cream - the best!

3.  A good book.  This is one of my favorite, and I'm so excited to read it again!

4.  Cloud-filled sky.  Makes me giddy with joy!

5.  Coffee (no mind that it's decaf), but sitting in a coffeehouse with a cup of coffee just makes me smile with satisfaction.

6.  A beautiful sunset.  What can I say?  I'm fascinated with the sky.

7.  Green smoothie in the morning while I read the news.  

8.  Cards from my grandma.  She never forgets an occasion.  I look forward to her cards every year, and when I receive them in the mail, I always find myself running up the steps to my apartment so I can sit down and read them.  They make me smile, cry and laugh all at the same time!

9.  New York.  Walking the streets of Manhattan.  This view.  

And yes, I know, I was supposed to list ten but my photo grid allows only 9 pictures, so number 10 has to have its own separate space, which works out since I couldn't find a photograph for this one.

10.  A rainy day(s) and cuddling on my couch watching marathons of my favorite TV show(s).  A piece of relaxation heaven.  

What makes you really happy?    

10 words

Today's Challenge is sell yourself in 10 words or less.  I always find this to be a very difficult question.  But, here's a try.

via weheartit

When I love, I love to the moon and back.

Move and keep moving

photo via Noukka Signe

Day 8 of Blog Every Day in May challenge: "a piece of advice you have for others."

Keep moving.  Physically.  Mentally.  When all else fails, dance, sing, scream, jump, do something.  Move.  Allow movement in your life and be open to change.

I agree with the whole idea of staying still.  Meditating.  And finding peace in quiet moments.  

But, I also believe, very strongly (if not more), in moving.  Moving your body and mind when your heart is so heavy and you just want to lie on the couch, ignore the phone, stare at the television, and try to forget the things that are weighing on you.  A short walk can turn a bad mood into a better one.  It reminds me that if I can make myself get up and move when my whole body and mind feels paralyzed and hopeless, then, I can overcome whatever it is that's making me feel that way.  Looking for the good when things are bad can change a negative state of mind.  

Sometimes, the job calls for me to spend all day looking and reading some pretty horrific things.  Disturbing things that people do to each other.  And when those things start taking a toll on me, I have these go-to photography websites (i.e. Beauty in Everything, Better Than Fine), where I look at happy and beautiful photographs to make me smile.  And they do remind me that there's a lot of beauty in this world.  They restore hope in me.  

And, when something is making me really sad, I go for a run.  Or I dance around my living room to Madonna or JT.  It beats lying on the couch or hiding under my covers hoping the negative feelings that are clouding me go away.  Moving, whether it be my body or my mind, makes me feel stronger.  Makes me feel I can overcome anything. 

    

Don't be afraid to move, shift course and allow change to come into your life.  

The thing(s) I'm most afraid of

It's Day 7 of the Challenge, and the topics seem to get a little tougher.  Or maybe, I'm just having a difficult time with this one.  Today's topic is "the thing(s) I'm most afraid of."  I guess, I could easily write about how I'm terrified of reptiles and mice, and how just writing that makes me squirm.  Or I could write about how I'm afraid of the dark and can't sleep with the lights off when I'm alone (I can't believe I just admitted that!).  Or I could write about how I'm terribly afraid that one day, I'll look back at my life and wished I had loved more.

I guess the reason I'm having just a tad bit of difficulty with this topic is because I spent a great deal of my life being afraid of many things.  And unfortunately, those fears kept me from pursuing some dreams and letting go of others.  Some things I'll probably always be afraid of and I have no problem with that.  I hate rats, mice and snakes.  They freak me out and I don't have any qualms with that.  I don't think my life will be incomplete just because the sight of them freaks me out.  

But, my fear of disappointments, failure and getting my heart broken again?  Well, those were bigger fears.  Crippling fears that I knew I had to overcome.

And I finally did.

Because I realized that there was something else I feared more.  Most-est.  And that's not loving enough.  Not living enough.  Not doing enough to be happy.  Not living each day to the fullest.  I didn't want to look back at my life and later regret the things I didn't do just because I was afraid ...

Afraid of rejection.  Afraid of getting my heart broken.  Afraid of making a mistake.  Afraid of being disappointed.

Because all of those things are a part of life.  A part of living.  I've been rejected, heartbroken, disappointed, and I've failed.  Many times.  And I will be rejected, heartbroken, disappointed and fail.  Again.  But, I rather know that I tried, and failed, then always wonder what if?  I rather give something my all and be rejected, heartbroken and disappointed, then later regret not doing more.  I rather know what's behind the doors ahead of me, then walk away because I'm afraid that what awaits me will later be a disappointment.  

I learned the hard way that regret can be much more agonizing and painful than someone breaking your heart.  Because when you fail to do or go after something you want due to fear, you're breaking your own heart.

 

What I do

Day 6 of the Blog Every Day in May Challenge: "If you couldn't answer with your job, how would you answer the question 'what do you do'?"

I love this question because as much as I do love my job, it's not all that I am and do.  So, when I'm not working (which, I know, is rare these days), I try very hard not to think or talk about work.

Well, then, what do I do other than work?  I create stories and memories.  Sometimes, the stories I create are entirely fictional and sometimes, they are inspired by my daily experiences with my nephew, my family and friends.

I collect stories and memories, as well.  I try to capture the treasures the world around me offers, whether it be a beautiful sunset or a blossoming flower or an adorable baby taking her first steps.  I believe there is a story to be told in everything around us, and if we take the time to look and notice, there is always something to smile about.  In fact, there are many things to smile about.

    
I'm a seeker and collector of those things.

in a nutshell: 250 words

I know I said that I have no time to write these days.  And so, what was my solution to that?  I decided to participate in Jenni's Blog Every Day in May challenge.  I know, I'm a little crazy.  But, I'm always up for a challenge.  So, here it goes.  The first day's topic is "the story of  your life in 250 words or less," which honestly, I always find very difficult to write.  So, I tweaked it a little.  Instead of a short autobiography, I wrote a "who I am" in 250 words. :)

Now, here's me in a nutshell:

I believe ice cream and balloons are the perfect combo for a fabulous, happy birthday.  Roses are beautiful, but daisies and I have a much deeper connection.  The Godfather is one of my all-time favorite movies.  The Godfather II is another top one on that list.  The two have pulled me through some very dark periods in my life.  Music has a way of shaking me to the core.  Want to evoke an emotional reaction from me?  Play a song.  U2 has forever changed me.  Over and over again.  I believe that every chapter in our lives should have a soundtrack.  With that said, mixed tapes (and/or CDs) can never go out of style.  Many, many years ago, I chose law school over a career in writing.  Now, I’ve made a career out of writing as a lawyer.  I’ve been told I’m an old soul.  One of my favorite pastimes is listening to people’s life stories.  My grandmother is my favorite storyteller.  My seven-year-old nephew is a very close second.  I’m horrible with remembering names, but I’ll remember your first boyfriend’s or ex-mother-in-law’s birthdays.  I’m a recovering coffee addict.  I still love the smell, and the taste, but unfortunately, I can’t have any of it.  Unless it’s decaf.  And well, if you’re a real coffee drinker, you know that decaf is not really coffee.  (The no-coffee is my self-imposed prescription for a healthy state of mind.  Maybe I’ll blog about it one day.)  And lastly, the sky makes me happy.     

the muse

I haven't worked on my novel in awhile.  It feels as if I haven't worked on anything creative in a long time.  My brain is devoid of ideas and imagination.

When I was a kid, I loved to make up stories and act them out.  In fact, before I wanted to be a lawyer or a writer, I wanted to be an actress.  A dancer.  A performer of stories.  And I just made up a whole lot of things.  I had an imagination that was on constant overdrive.

But lately, in fact, for quite awhile now, I've had this block where my imagination once roamed freely.  I have even lost the desire to tell a story.

And yet, I want to feel the need to tell a story again.

So, I decided to go back and read the original excerpts of my novel.  The diary-like entries that were written while I was in the midst of the heartbreak I was writing about.  Those pieces were the real thing.  The raw emotions that inspired the story.  My muse.  I thought that if I wanted to finish my novel, I needed to remember those feelings.  Feel.  Them.  Again.

But, as I read page after page, I felt ... nothing.  I wasn't overcome with nostalgia.  I wasn't overcome with sadness over this significant heartbreak.  I wasn't overcome with feelings of regret and loss.  I didn't feel anything.  But, honestly, a little bored.  I didn't even feel bad for the old me that went through that significant heartbreak that made it difficult to breathe at times.  Nothing.

Time does heal our wounds.  Even very deep ones.  And it is possible to get over someone.  It is possible to have loved and lost, and moved on.  

And so, maybe this is the best time to go back to that story.  Because now, I can work on it from a purely creative perspective, rather than the perspective of the heartbroken in need of therapeutic venting.  I can practice using my imagination once again.  Refuel my creative energy.

My mind is still devoid of ideas and imagination though.  So, how do I work through that?

Listen to some U2.  This song does it for me all the time.  Never fails.  

Bono is my muse.

    

the day you read this.

Lake Balboa Park

I came across this post from the blog I Wrote This For You a couple of years ago.  Thought I'd re-post it.  We can always use a little reminder.  You are beautiful.


The day you read this.
*by: iwrotethisforyou

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realise there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than cold ones.

That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control that completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That’s why it’s worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.

And so are you.

the travel bug

I know I just came back from a vacation, but I already feel like I need another one.  Since I can't really go on another one for awhile, I decided to just write about them and live in memories of travels past.

Five years ago, I went on a two-week trip to Europe.  One of the cities I visited was Avignon, France.  I had never heard of the place before, but I had always wanted to go to the south of France, and since I liked the sound of Avignon, I chose it as one of our destination spots.

I instantly fell in love with the place.  The people were really friendly and there was this relaxing and peaceful small town feel to it.  I also met a nice (and very cute) French waiter who offered to show me around the town.  After some thought, I took him up on his offer.  We met up at a cafe near my hotel after he got off work, and we spent the afternoon walking, walking, and more walking.  It's not a very big place, so we pretty much walked around in circles.  When we finally sat down to take in the view of the whole town, we talked about poetry, traveling, our dreams and goals.  Although he only spoke some English and I spoke even less French (with all the wrong pronunciations), we were able to communicate pretty well.  It was one of those dreamy, made-for-movie type of afternoon.

(Of course, after my friend watched the movie Taken, she scolded me about wandering off with a stranger.  And, just to let you know, I wouldn't normally walk around a foreign place with a complete stranger, but he seemed harmless.  He was the waiter at this fancy restaurant we went to, so at least I knew where he worked!  I know, excuses, excuses.  So, in case you find yourself traveling in some foreign place and a cute stranger offers to show you around town, do use your discretion and be cautious!  In my case, we had a lovely afternoon.  And I never saw him again.)

But, one day, I hope to see Avignon again.

Avignon, France

May 2008

own it | on seeing and describing the world as it had never been seen and described before

Yesterday was a complete sluggish of a day.  I think all of the activities of the past few weeks, on top of the mountain of work I've had to get through, just got to me.  I was exhausted.  Mentally and physically.  So, by two o'clock, I decided to stop pushing myself.  I surrendered.  Gave in to the exhaustion.  And allowed myself to rest.  

So, I watched Thursday's episodes of The Vampire Diaries and Beauty and the Beast.  Guilty pleasures are the best!  Then, I decided to go for a long walk around the neighborhood.  And take pictures.  As I took photographs to Mat Kearney playing on my iPod, this thought came to me: I used to be a poet.  

But, I haven't written a poem in a very long time.  

I remember telling a dear friend awhile back that writing a poem is not only about the words and how you structure them.  It's not about rhyming.  It's about feelings.  And to write a poem, you have to allow yourself to feel.  Allow yourself to go to this place deep inside of you that no one else has reached, and then pull yourself out of it and allow those feelings to roam around a world you'd never been to, but had always dreamed of and imagined.  It's about allowing yourself to see the world in such a way that had never been seen before.  Then, sharing it for others to see.  

And I realized that although I haven't written a poem, I have photographed poems.  And that there is no such thing as I used to be a poet.  I am a poet.  

I met this writer a couple of weeks ago, and she asked me what kind of story I was working on.  I told her I was trying to write a fiction novel.  She set me straight, and said there is no such thing as trying to write a novel.  You are writing a novel, she said.  Own it.  You are a writer.  It doesn't matter if you've never published a piece of work.  Or you never, ever publish a single word in your life.  You are a writer.  

And I am a poet.  

around the neighborhood | 04.19.13

Carroll Gardens

I've been sitting in front of the computer all morning, trying my very best to write this memorandum that's due on Monday.  But, my mind keeps wandering to some other place I'd rather be.

I've been feeling this longing, a missing of some sort.  A homesick kind of feeling.  For a place far away from the one I call home, but for some reason, felt more like home to me.

I never really believed in love at first sight.  Others who know me may find that hard to believe since I've been branded as hopelessly romantic, but I've always thought that love took time.  Perhaps, it's the cautious person inside of me who doesn't allow myself to be swept away by emotions.  Because I thought emotions were fleeting. I've always been one who was suspicious of men who fell too hard too fast because as experience had taught me, they were also the ones who were gone as soon as newness seamed into familiar.

But, the moment I stepped onto the sidewalk on Smith Street, I thought this is what love at first sight must feel like.  It took only an instant, a millisecond.  And I fell in love with that corner of Brooklyn.  But, it was more than a feeling or an emotion.  I knew.  I love this place.  And I want to be here.

I want to be there.

Carroll Gardens | October 2012