"you made a difference"

Day 6 of Blogtember: Describe a distinct moment when your life took a turn.



My life has taken several turns, most of which I don't really want to write about because they are quite heavy and deep, and I wanted to stray from some serious stuff for awhile.  So, I decided to skip this prompt and just move on to some light matters like online shopping (tomorrow's prompt).  Then, during my run earlier at my old high school tracks, I was reminded of a distinct moment in high school that turned my life around for the better.  Although it includes some serious and slightly heavy content, I decided that it's something worth sharing, not for me, but the man who changed my life and to this day, I thank every time I'm reminded of how my life could have been.

The moment was during my junior year of high school.  Up until then, I spent a lot of time trying to be the "bad kid."  The rebel.  The poor, mediocre student.  There were a lot of things going on in my young life, and I was not very happy.  I took it out on random people around me, but most of all, I took it out on myself.

Then, one day, after missing several classes in a row, my counselor said to me: "Your education will be your freedom from this life."  By "this life" he was talking about the things in my life that made me feel trapped and miserable.  He told me that my education will be my key to living the kind of life I wanted, and that with it, I would never have to depend on anyone or anything.  Mr. Higgins words' struck me, and thereafter, I worked extra hard to get my grades up.  I joined clubs at school and even started one of my own.  I did everything I could to make sure I graduated from high school with good enough grades and a number of extracurricular activities to get into college.

I never forgot Mr. Higgins' words.  I carried them with me throughout college, especially during times when I thought it would be easier to just fail or drop out.  His words stayed with me during the dismal days of law school.  But, I believe his words did more than just encourage me to graduate from high school, and pursue higher learning.  His words became my guiding light whenever I was tempted to go astray.

I haven't seen or spoken to Mr. Higgins since my high school graduation.  And although I gave him a card then with a long letter thanking him for everything he had done for me - for all the lunches he missed listening to me whine and cry in his office - I still wish I could let him know now that he really made a difference in my life.  I think sometimes teachers and counselors are not appreciated enough.  There are really amazing ones out there, and they do make a difference in their students' lives.  That's why I love Glee.  I know, I'm back there again with that show, but I do love it because it's not only a show about the students but also about the teachers and counselors who touch the students' lives.  It shows how we're a cause and effect on each other.  Teachers and students learning from one another.

Anyhow, I know I've said this before, but I will say it again and again: I was blessed with really amazing teachers and counselors.  Mr. Higgins was one of them.  I want to thank him wherever he is, and say: you made a difference.

 

A useful advice + a short confessional

Day 3 of Blogtember: Pass on some useful advice or information you learned and always remembered. 

Hi, my name is Mae, and I'm a Felicity fanatic.

Please don't judge me by this, but the thing that came to mind when I thought about writing this post was Felicity.  The TV show.  I think I've said it here before (or at least alluded to it) that I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE that show.  In the present tense.  It doesn't matter that it ended eleven years ago.  I own the DVDs for all four seasons (and have watched it more times than I want to admit).  And now with Netflix, I don't even need to be at home to watch it.  

Okay, I know it seems like I'm digressing but bear with me.  There is a point to this that addresses today's topic.  I promise.  But first, I have the need to give a little background story.

The four years the show aired was the four years I lived with my college/post-college/beginning of law school boyfriend.  Ex, now.  We moved in together a couple of weeks after Felicity first aired, and I moved out five months after the show ended.  And it wasn't an easy relationship - my ex and I.  Living together made it even tougher.  But, Felicity got me through those four years.  (Don't worry, I didn't stay in a bad relationship because of the show.  The timing was just impeccable.)  I never missed an episode - even when I was in law school and hardly watched any television - I watched Felicity.  I lived vicariously through her (yes, I know, she's a fictional character - let's forget that part).  But, I thought she was living my dream, and when times were bad with the ex, I escaped to Felicity's world.  It was my therapy, and a very affordable one.

Okay, now that I'm done with the background story, here's the advice that I got from the show - that stuck with me: "Don’t throw away an opportunity to become a more interesting person out of fear."

That advice was given to Felicity by her counselor, Dr. Pavone (my favorite chain-smoking character).  If you're not familiar with the show, let me offer some context (don't worry, if you want to watch the show, I won't give away what happened after).  So, here it goes: Felicity just got back together with Ben (her soul mate, love of her life, the guy she followed to New York), and was excited about spending the summer with him in Palo Alto (where they are both from).  But, her art history professor offered her an internship to work at a museum in New York (it was supposed to be a once-in-a-lifetime-kind-of-opportunity), which meant, she wouldn't be with Ben, who had a summer job waiting for him in Palo Alto.  And that's when Dr. Pavone said, "Don't throw away an opportunity to become a more interesting person out of fear."  "Fear?" Felicity asked.  "Of losing Ben," Dr. Pavone answered.

So, that's the advice that stuck with me.  

Because, you see, I had an opportunity to study in Spain for a semester during my senior year of college.  I didn't go.  I'm ashamed to admit, I was afraid to lose my boyfriend.  The same boyfriend I had a "not-so-easy" relationship with.  I won't dwell too much on that, but let's just say, I regretted not going.  I regretted it for a long, long time.  And when times were especially hard with him, I resented him for it.  Yes, that wasn't fair, but I really wanted to go to Spain.  So, when Dr. Pavone gave Felicity that advice, it struck a chord with me.  

Felicity's response was: "That’s not why I turned down the internship. I just, I’m choosing to be with Ben. That’s just what I want to do this summer."

And that's when Dr. Pavone told her: "An opportunity like this internship does not come around very often and if you and Ben are gonna work this out, and I hope you do ‘cause I love that kid, then you’ll be there for each other long after this opportunity has come and gone. That’s what love is about."

I wish someone had told me that.  (Dr. Pavone's advice came a couple years too late for me.)

But that's why after my ex and I broke up, and well, after I took the Bar exam (because I had to do that first), I went to Spain.  I spent a month in Europe, and went to all the places I had always wanted to go to.  At the time I was seeing someone, and again, it was new, we were at this pivotal point in our relationship, and I was scared that if I went away for a month, he'd forget me.  I know, he thought that was silly, too, but I couldn't help it, I was afraid of that.  But, I was also afraid that if I didn't go, and I didn't go on my own (meaning without him - the new guy), I'd regret it.  So, I went.

And, so did he.  But apart.  

And it was the best decision I made.  I don't think, in fact, I know, it had nothing to do with why we're not together right now.  That's a whole other story.

So, don't throw away an opportunity to become a more interesting person out of fear.  It speaks volumes, right?  Take risks.  Live life.  What is meant to be will be.  

Here's a picture of my friend and I in Spain that summer.

Excuse my outfit and tired eyes.

But, we looked, and were, very happy.

And that's what matters, right?

What advice has stuck with you?

Felicity photo via

the day you read this.

Lake Balboa Park

I came across this post from the blog I Wrote This For You a couple of years ago.  Thought I'd re-post it.  We can always use a little reminder.  You are beautiful.


The day you read this.
*by: iwrotethisforyou

On this day, you read something that moved you and made you realise there were no more fears to fear. No tears to cry. No head to hang in shame. That every time you thought you’d offended someone, it was all just in your head and really, they love you with all their heart and nothing will ever change that. That everyone and everything lives on inside you. That that doesn’t make any of it any less real.

That soft touches will change you and stay with you longer than cold ones.

That being alone means you’re free. That old lovers miss you and new lovers want you and the one you’re with is the one you’re meant to be with. That the tingles running down your arms are angel feathers and they whisper in your ear, constantly, if you choose to hear them. That everything you want to happen, will happen, if you decide you want it enough. That every time you think a sad thought, you can think a happy one instead.

That you control that completely.

That the people who make you laugh are more beautiful than beautiful people. That you laugh more than you cry. That crying is good for you. That the people you hate wish you would stop and you do too.

That your friends are reflections of the best parts of you. That you are more than the sum total of the things you know and how you react to them. That dancing is sometimes more important than listening to the music.

That the most embarrassing, awkward moments of your life are only remembered by you and no one else. That no one judges you when you walk into a room and all they really want to know, is if you’re judging them. That what you make and what you do with your time is more important than you’ll ever fathom and should be treated as such. That the difference between a job and art is passion. That neither defines who you are. That talking to strangers is how you make friends.

That bad days end but a smile can go around the world. That life contradicts itself, constantly. That’s why it’s worth living.

That the difference between pain and love is time. That love is only as real as you want it to be. That if you feel good, you look good but it doesn’t always work the other way around.

That the sun will rise each day and it’s up to you each day if you match it. That nothing matters up until this point. That what you decide now, in this moment, will change the future. Forever. That rain is beautiful.

And so are you.

own it | on seeing and describing the world as it had never been seen and described before

Yesterday was a complete sluggish of a day.  I think all of the activities of the past few weeks, on top of the mountain of work I've had to get through, just got to me.  I was exhausted.  Mentally and physically.  So, by two o'clock, I decided to stop pushing myself.  I surrendered.  Gave in to the exhaustion.  And allowed myself to rest.  

So, I watched Thursday's episodes of The Vampire Diaries and Beauty and the Beast.  Guilty pleasures are the best!  Then, I decided to go for a long walk around the neighborhood.  And take pictures.  As I took photographs to Mat Kearney playing on my iPod, this thought came to me: I used to be a poet.  

But, I haven't written a poem in a very long time.  

I remember telling a dear friend awhile back that writing a poem is not only about the words and how you structure them.  It's not about rhyming.  It's about feelings.  And to write a poem, you have to allow yourself to feel.  Allow yourself to go to this place deep inside of you that no one else has reached, and then pull yourself out of it and allow those feelings to roam around a world you'd never been to, but had always dreamed of and imagined.  It's about allowing yourself to see the world in such a way that had never been seen before.  Then, sharing it for others to see.  

And I realized that although I haven't written a poem, I have photographed poems.  And that there is no such thing as I used to be a poet.  I am a poet.  

I met this writer a couple of weeks ago, and she asked me what kind of story I was working on.  I told her I was trying to write a fiction novel.  She set me straight, and said there is no such thing as trying to write a novel.  You are writing a novel, she said.  Own it.  You are a writer.  It doesn't matter if you've never published a piece of work.  Or you never, ever publish a single word in your life.  You are a writer.  

And I am a poet.  

around the neighborhood | 04.19.13

right on time

a little encouragement

Just because I don't have time to write these days doesn't mean I can't seek out encouragement, right?  The perfectionist in me needs this constant reminder:

Whenever I decide to let go, a force inside of me refuses.  That's when I know, it has a become a part of me.  Or maybe, always has been.  

Accept the conflict, my friend said.  You can't be one without the other.  The balance of the two is what makes you whole.  Embrace it.  Be a lawyer.  Be a writer.  And the people who love you will understand.  Even when your time with them is limited by the pursuit of this work.  Work it.  

And that's why I love them. :)