Life plans

"What are  you going to do with your life?"  In one way or another it seemed

that people had been asking her this forever; teachers, her parents, friends

at three in the morning, but the question had never seemed this pressing and

still she was no nearer an answer.  'Live each day as if it's your last', that was

the conventional advice, but really, who had the energy for that?  What if

it rained or you felt a bit glandy?  It just wasn't practical.  Better by far

to be good and courageous and bold and to make a difference. 

Not change the world exactly, but the bit around you.  Cherish your friends,

stay true to your principles, live passionately and fully and well. 

Experience new things.  Love and be loved, if you ever get the chance."

(One Day by David Nicholls)

I was a planner.  Had my whole life planned out by the time I was ten years old - what school I was going to attend for college; at what age I was going to publish my first book; age I was going to get married; age I was going to have my first child; by when I would have my first house, my own law practice, and my own publishing company.  But let's just say that a large percentage of my plans didn't actually pan out as I had imagined.  And contemplated.  And carefully devised.  

Let's just say, I was always disappointed.  About things not being checked off from my life planner.  And there was a time, not so long ago, that I felt really disappointed.  With myself.  With life.  And I was very discouraged.  But that not-so-long-ago-time now feels like a lifetime ago.  

And recently, I've been asked this question several times: how are you so happy? 

Initially, I found it rather sad.  And odd.  That I'd be asked such a question. 

But I've since realized that most, if not all, persons just want to be happy.  And just don't know how. 

So, I tell them that it's because I've let go.  Of trying to control things that are out of my control (which I've learned are many, many things in life).  You see, I've realized that the only thing I have control of is how I live my life.  Everyday.  How I treat the people around me.  How I approach my job.  Whether I get up early in the morning or stay in bed for another hour.  Whether I go to the office at all.  Whether I return my clients' calls or not.  Whether I honk and yell at the guy who cut me off in the freeway.  Whether I go to dinner with my friends or stay in and watch a movie all by my lonesome.  Whether I say 'thank you' to the cashier at the supermarket who appears to be having a bad day and has taken it out on me.  Those things I have control of (even though, sometimes, I much rather blame the alarm clock for not waking me up or some unseen force that made me honk ten times at the very rude driver who cut me off).  But who am I kidding?  I have control of one thing: me. 

And everything else, I don't.  I don't have control of what my clients do with their lives.  I don't have control of whether I get a raise (I can ask for one, but whether I get it depends on another person, who I can't force to give me one ... because that would be called something else).  I don't have control of what my family or friends do and how they live their lives.  I can't will the guy I've been pining for to call me no matter how much I stare at the phone.  And I can't make him love me if he just doesn't.  I don't have control of anyone or anything else.  But me.  

So, I tell those who asked me how I can be so happy, well, I'm happy because I choose to be.  I don't plan every details of my life anymore.  If I do plan anything, I just plan to pay my bills on time, meet all my deadlines at work, save money and pay off debt, and be kind to everyone around me, even the driver who cut me off or the cashier who seemed to be having a bad day and took it out on me.  If I plan anything, it's just to be the best friend, sister, daughter, granddaughter, aunt, and lawyer I can be.  It's just to love those in my life and hold close to my heart whether they love me in return.

So, I'm happy because I choose to be.

And I told them, you could be happy, too.  If you choose to be.        

Photo: ashappyaskings