on the real | choosing our commitments

I know I haven't been writing much these days, and haven't written anything close to profound in awhile.  I've had to make some choices lately ... choices about my time and what I do with it.  As much as I love blogging  and writing, I've come to realize that there are days (many days) when I just can't do it.  The time I used to dedicate to blogging (or my novel-writing) has been exchanged to either extra time in the office (see picture above - my life lately) or time to tend to a personal life if I want to make that a happy one.

"There are times when even the best of us have trouble with commitment and we may be surprised at the commitments we're willing to let slip out of our grasp.  Commitments are complicated.  We may surprise ourselves by the commitments we're willing to make.  True commitment takes effort and sacrifice.  Which is why sometimes we have to learn the hard way to choose our commitments very carefully."  (Grey's Anatomy)

Yes, I know, I just went there.  Quoting Grey's Anatomy.  Honestly, I'm not a fan of the show, but my cousin was a big fan and would encourage me to watch it.  I have to admit, they have great monologues.  Anyhow, on one of the times I caved to my cousin's pleadings, it was the episode this quote came from, and it stuck with me somehow.  I think it's because it's something I think about a lot.  And lately, I've been thinking about it a lot more.

Choosing our commitments.

Choosing my commitments is something that I pride in.  Because over time and many trial and errors, I've learned that not only are commitments complicated, but they also require time, energy, and a lot of work and sacrifice.  So, it has become important to me to be selective about the commitments I make.  I know sometimes it takes away from living spontaneously or grasping the moment or being swept away, but commitments should be lasting, and not fleeting.  And only time can tell when something is lasting.  Time has proven that the commitments I did choose carefully are still a part of my life.  And thus, the rewards have definitely been worth the sacrifice.  

I'm not ready to give up blogging yet.  I am still working and trudging along with my novel.  But, right now, until I can figure out where I can fit both in, they will have to take a limited time slot in my schedule.  I'll be back to it.  But, right now, life has thrown other things in the mix - things I've decided I want to commit to.  Let's see where it goes.  I can only pray that I've chosen wisely.

how love looks

Sometimes we forget how happy we made each other.  How we felt when we shared our first kiss, and that feeling of not wanting to part even when we both were sure that there will be a tomorrow.  Over time, we forget that.  That titillating feeling in our stomach that comes with each first - first time we fell asleep in each other's arms; first time we woke up to the sound of the other breathing; even the first time we missed each other.  The passage of time makes us forget.

Listening to my friend gush over her new guy, I was reminded.  How once upon a time, you made me feel the way she looked in front of me.  With a permanent smile on her face, and elation in her voice.  As the night went on and she shared stories of her new guy, I found myself sharing old stories of you.  Stories I haven't spoken of in a long time.

She had asked me earlier in the evening if I was sure I was over you.  I told her yes.  I didn't feel the same.

Even after I reminisced about our first date to the last weekend we spent together telling stories under the star-filled Phoenix sky, the longing for you was gone.  Eight years of waiting for you to remember how you felt when you first took my hand the night we met has been way too long.

I guess people do reach a limit and you've reached yours, my friend said.

I don't think you get that though.

Because you said I've been a bit colder.

And true, I've been different.

The sad thing is that I don't think you realize what it is.  That the last eight years was how loving you looked like.  And now, well now, is the look of the aftermath.
  

on the real | figuring things out and grace

I have to be honest: I don't have it all together.  On most days, I'm figuring things out and trying my best to make wise decisions (or pray to God that my decisions are at least good decisions).  For the most part, I just try to stay afloat and sane.  On the upside, my friend commented that I appear "very together," so maybe it's not so bad that I don't feel very together all the time.

Then, I thought about it and I had not always appeared "very together."  So, I'm not sure if it's age or just a lot of practice from disappointments, failures and heartbreak (maybe both), but I believe that perhaps, I finally learned the meaning of grace.  To act with grace.  Even when I want to scream or cry or vehemently lash out at the unlucky person in front of me.  I don't.  I haven't.  In a very long time.  

It's also about choosing battles.  I finally learned how to do it.  Choose which battles to fight, and the ones I do fight, to fight them with grace.  Whether it be in my personal life or in my professional one.  And another thing I learned is that no one is ever really very together.  At least not all the time.  Life is messy, but it doesn't mean we can't act with grace in its messiness.  In fact, I think it makes life much more bearable, easier, and pleasant.  Maybe even amusing.    

The picture above is what I call my creative work space.  I'm a happier person when I get to write, create and just get lost in some artistic project.  It helps me stay together.  I think we all need that, right?