The importance in looking back

It was not until I got home at almost eleven last night that I remembered I was supposed to write everyday and I had completely missed writing for Day 4. I thought then that I had an hour to whip something up and I should just write about anything that came to mind. Write it quick and at least I did my writing for the day. 

But I was exhausted. I had been out of the house since 6:00 a.m. only to return for about an hour to shower and change after my run. I really didn't feel like writing. Sleep was what my body craved since I've only had a total of eight hours of it in the last two days.

I made the decision not to write, and for a moment I felt like a failure. It was Day 4 and I had already failed. Then, I took a step back and reminded myself that I just had a full day with people I loved - a full day of being present, being in the moment - so I shouldn't end it with feeling like a failure. There are days we can't do it all. I couldn't write yesterday. We make choices on how we spend our time. Yesterday, I made good choices.  

And today, I hope to make good choices, as well. I'm starting it with writing about looking back - how sometimes it's important to look back at where you came from to see how far you've come. Sometimes, in looking back you catch a different, but absolutely beautiful, view of the sunset sky that you would not have otherwise noticed if you kept your eyes fixated ahead.

The idea of living "in the moment" usually imply never looking back at what had past. But, I don't think so. It's important to look back. The danger comes when you dwell on it and you forget where you're at. Otherwise, glance at what you left behind for it carries the lessons that move you ahead.

Last night my friend and I talked about old relationships and what we learned from them. I've found that the end of any relationship, even when it was bad and unhealthy, is always sad and painful. But, what I've also found is that with every ending comes a new beginning. It's cliche, I know. But, it's a cliche that's true.

It's difficult to see that there's a tomorrow, albeit a better tomorrow, when you're in the midst of heartache. It feels like your pain will kill you because your whole body hurts. A year ago I finally realized the end of a long and very trying friendship. I remember crying all night as I mourned this loss. There were moments I couldn't breathe and couldn't see through my tears. I felt like my tears would never stop running. My eyes were so sore and swollen I didn't think I could step out of the house for a week.

But, I got through that night. In the morning, I got up, washed my face, and as I looked in the mirror at my tired eyes, I knew I was going to be okay. I had cried in the same way over another relationship ten years before, and I thought back then that my pain was literally going to kill me. It didn't. So, I knew that the pain I was feeling that night, that morning, would also pass.

Now, a year later, that pain is only a memory that I can talk about without it cutting me inside. What I realized last night in looking back and talking about it was how the end of that relationship, and the incredible pain it caused, paved the way to where I am right now: happy.

It took pushing through the pain until I was beyond it. But, I knew that I could because I knew, I learned, that God doesn't give us trials we cannot handle. I did it ten years ago. Slowly and horribly because I didn't have that lesson. I didn't know then. But last year, when I was going through my heartbreak, I knew. And from looking back, I told myself I was going to do better this time around. I told myself this time I was going to push harder because although it felt like the pain was going to kill me, it didn't. It didn't kill me ten years ago, and it wasn't going to kill me this time.

It has been an amazing year - a year filled with beautiful new beginnings. And although there has been trials, and there will continue to be trials, I'll be okay. Because I know better now. And as the words of Maya Angelou, when you know better, you do better.