Unthinkable

Since my plan to leave the past behind in 2008 was hindered by my unexpected run-in with Dr. Shepherd on new year's eve, and then, completely destroyed after my even more unexpected emotional reaction to the Ex's baby news, I decided to just have a full-on confrontation with the past. So, I shamefully googled* J[] to see what he has been up to. Who knew what I would find, right? Well, surprise, surprise! He's my neighbor.

It looks like J[] got a new job, and his office is two blocks away from mine. We live in this HUGE county, the largest county, and we end up working two blocks away from each other. What are the chances of that? And as much as I hate reading into things, that's just a little crazy for me. Anyhow, there's a picture of him on the firm's website, and he looks thinner. Older. Not the same J[] I knew. And he's practicing an area of law that I never thought he would practice. I couldn't help but wonder, what happened to his dream? Then, as I looked at his picture, read his bio, I realized ... I don't love him the same.

But I still miss my friend.

And now that I know how close in proximity we are on a daily basis, his absence feels stronger. And the longing to run to my old friend feels more intense. How I wish we can share a cup of coffee. He can tell me how married life has been, and why the shift in legal field. Then, I can tell him about Dr. Shepherd, and he can help me figure out why the cosmic universe seems to be playing a cruel joke on me. I was so sure I was finally over him (the doc). I had this master plan that if I was to meet up with him, I would meet him at a neutral setting, i.e. coffee shop, hang out with him and talk as friends. Openly. I was excited to start a friendship with him without all these crazy romanticized feelings. And I couldn't wait for 2008 to be over, so I can officially say that I'm done with all of that, and I could start 2009 with new feelings for someone else. And a new friendship with Dr. Shepherd.

But I was taken off guard ...

... and now, I don't know how I feel. I just know that old feelings of 2008 are trying to push their way through, and won't let me move on. But I'm fighting. Although any chance of moving forward on new year's eve was completely destroyed ...

I wish I had J[] to talk to. But, does this mean I really haven't moved on from him either?

*Googling an ex can be dangerous, so I'd resist any future temptations to do so.