Evolution

"The world is like a sheet of paper on which something is typed. The reading and the meaning will vary with the reader, but the paper is the common factor, always present, rarely perceived. When the ribbon is removed, typing leaves no trace on the paper. So is my mind - the impressions keep on coming, but no trace is left." - Nisargadatta Maharaj

Lately, I've been in limbo state. Torn between old and new. Familiar and unfamiliar. I wake up in the same body, same memories, but a different and strangely unfamiliar heart. With different feelings. Which have left my mind quite conflicted and torn. Loyal to her old, familiar self, my mind sometimes tries to escape the grasp of this new heart that has altered her thoughts ... have changed them almost to the point of no relation.

"But it's growth," I heard a voice say, as I contemplated my next run. "So, don't be weary. A new heart remarks the realization that our pasts do not define us. We learn from it. It shapes us, and hopefully makes us better people. But it does not define who we are. And a new, changed heart does not mean the old is gone. It doesn't eviscerate the existence of the old. Just think of it as evolution."

When I first started my attempt at fiction-writing five years ago, it was a means of expressing what my heart could not figure out. I took pieces from this jumbo-sized puzzle I called my life at that time, and I created a character to try to create the big picture from the many pieces. My character became my navigator, and my voice. She expressed what I couldn't. She painted the pictures that I couldn't see. And she did what I couldn't do. And that was to love "him".

Their (her) story begins at the end of their relationship. But that end played like a broken record for years. For a long time, I was in a mousewheel of regret and heartache with her. Or she with me. And I thought we could never get off. But somewhere between writing her story and living my day-to-day life, she and I had gotten off the mousewheel long before we even realized it.

And I woke up with a brand new heart.

So, writing was like my roadmap. I think it still is. The process becomes a journey. And it can be quite messy at times. But sometimes, we need to scatter the pieces all over the place before we can put it together.

And this new heart, it's not so bad. It's like the surprise destination. One I didn't expect, but have come to know. And be.