This moment: it started with prayer, then, I ran

There was a time, hundreds and hundreds of weeks ago, when running one block was unspeakable to me. I was the girl who nearly failed P.E. in junior high because I couldn't (ahem, refused to) run around the track. Running was not my thing at all.

Then, I graduated from law school, started practicing law, and became depressed over a guy. Basically, I turned into a hermit. If I wasn't in front of the computer doing legal research or writing a three-hundred-page brief, I was in front of the computer playing solitaire and agonizing over my lost love. It was a sad time. 

Looking back, it took awhile for me to get out of that rabbit hole of regret and self-pity. It took me a long time to be able to leave work at the office because I felt like always being on the clock was what I needed to do to be a lawyer. I thought it was what I needed to do to keep my heart from completely shattering. But, it didn't work. I was still heartbroken, and on top of it exhausted to the point of burn out. When you're at that stage, everything in life becomes sort of a mess, too. I was making poor decisions in my personal life, and physically, an eighty year old had more energy than I did at thirty-one. After a fractured toe-incident, and then, one bad, unhealthy rebound relationship after another, I had to do something. 

I went to church. 

But honestly, I didn't go to church because I thought I needed God. I went to church because my brother had just become a pastor and I wanted to be supportive. It was the something I had to do. Then, my brother started leading a Young Professionals ministry group. And I joined because again, I wanted to be supportive. The something I could do. 

Later, however, I found myself looking forward to our Thursday night Bible studies and the all-night talk-a-thon with my sister-in-law afterwards. I started going to church not because of my brother, but because I wanted to hear the gospel. 

Then, somewhere during that time, the idea of running was spoken aloud. It may have been a conversation about participating in a 5K run, and I thought, I want to do it. Honestly, a tiny part of me may have decided to sign up because the guy I was depressed over was a runner. Maybe it was a way to feel close to him. Regardless, running clicked in my head and I did it. Horribly, at first. It took me over an hour to finish that 5K run. 

But, running did something to me. As I learned to breathe and pace myself, as I got to know my gait, I became more present with my body and mind. I would run at the tracks of my old high school while listening to worship music and talking to God. Last year I trained for my first half-marathon and I realized during my training that my rescue out of the rabbit hole of misery didn't start with my run, but with prayer. Running was the tool that God provided to help and teach me how to appreciate the moment with each breath that I take. He reminded me that I have a lot to be grateful for and I couldn't waste away feeling sorry for myself or punishing myself for a past that was long gone. 

I've come to learn that God speaks to us in different ways. When we don't listen one way, he finds another to get our attention. God also answers our prayers in ways that we sometimes don't understand or don't even realize. God gave this non-runner, this former-running-hater, the ability and desire to run. And through running, I got to spend time with Him. I learned to be in the moment.  

 

Fear no more: how hiking Angels Landing changed me

During Labor Day weekend I went on a hiking trip to Zion National Park with about 30 strangers. Yes, you read that right. I broke free from my overly paranoid and rather rigid comfort zone to travel across state lines with people whose last names I didn't even know.

There is no denying I was nervous about it. As the trip neared, I constantly thought about backing out or asking the group leaders if I can bring a friend. When I did neither, I told my friends I'd text them the make, model and license plate of the car I'd be riding in. But, I didn't end up doing that either. Deep down inside I knew that I wouldn't be in any danger. My true fear was my own discomfort in rooming with strangers, sitting in the back seat for an extended period of time with them, making small talk and being left behind on the hike. Okay, the latter could have been a little dangerous but as it turned out, the group was very conscientious about making sure no one was left behind or lost. So, I was okay.

And I'm so happy I didn't back out. Hiking in Zion was an amazing experience. And the fact that I did so with strangers added something more to it. I learned that when you're with people who don't know you, you can be anyone or anything you want. In my case, I decided I could be brave and strong and even a little adventurous. Despite my fear of lizards and geckos and encountering one while climbing a rock and holding on to dear life at the edge of a cliff, I hiked (and at times, climbed) this:

Angels Landing. At the top, the elevation is 5,790 feet. The picture above is the last leg of it, which consists of a narrow and steep trail with support chains anchored along portions of the route. My key in getting through this final summit to the top was never looking to my right and never looking back. I didn't really look up either. I only focused on what was right in front of me. In doing so I learned there's no room for doubt when you're focused on the present. There's no room for fear when you're focused on surviving, when your goal is not to fall off a canyon and die.

When we hiked Angels Landing it was in the middle of the afternoon and the temperature was over a hundred degrees. So, we were definitely faced with other challenges. But again, all that mattered to me was getting to the top alive. It didn't matter that my clothes were drenched in sweat, my face was a combination of oil and dust, and I smelled like two-week old soiled dirty laundry.

I made it to the top.

It felt beyond amazing. At that moment I felt like I could overcome anything. And for the first time, for as long as I can remember, I wasn't scared or worried. I wasn't scared of being cheesy and excited and happy (hence the pose). I wasn't scared of being vulnerable. I wasn't scared of just being myself. At 5,790 feet I overcame my fear of getting hurt and failing. All the trials and challenges that I had been through, and was going through, just seemed really small and insignificant from up there.

So, without consciously intending it to be, that was the point of this trip: to push myself beyond the confines of my past and circumstances. To find that person in me who is capable of being brave and happy and strong. And finally, to just live what I've been preaching: change comes with movement.

On the real: owning up to it - I'm forty!

One day I woke up and ... can you believe it? I'm forty! How did this happen? Well, of course we all know how it happened: the earth continued to move, night turned into day, day into night, on repeat, and bam! Just like that, a whole decade went by, and I'm not thirty anymore.

But in all honesty, I'm glad I'm not. Thirty, that is. At least not the thirty-year-old that I was: sad, confused, insecure and lost. For my thirtieth birthday, I went to a specific bar (way across town from where I lived) in hopes of running into the guy who just a few weeks back I emailed (because I was such a coward I couldn't do it in person) that it was over between us and I didn't want to see him again. Talk about confused, right?

So, I don't have a problem with not being thirty anymore. But, I still can't grasp the fact that I'm forty because (unfortunately) I had made it a deadline for all the things I didn't accomplish by thirty: marriage, kids, a published novel, house, debt-free. And let's just say that if this deadline was for a school project or some statutory limitation, I failed or I just completely screwed my client.

But, thank God I'm not being graded on completion of my to-do list.

It probably begs the question, however, what had I been doing these last ten years?

Living. Learning.

And one of the great lessons I've learned is that life doesn't always turn out the way I planned. Or the way I even imagined. In fact, no matter how carefully and perfectly I designed my life, it will never turn out exactly like the blueprints. And because of that I can't be so bent out of shape about it.

But, I spent a long time doing exactly that.

Because I thought that as long as I followed the course of college, work, law school, work, date, work, write, work - and add financial independence as well as kindness to the mix - then, everything else would fall into place. I'd have a successful career as a lawyer and writer to pay off my student loans (Yeah, right!), buy a house (in California, are you kidding me?) and I'll meet a nice guy, get married and have kids. It was all supposed to work out that way because I did everything I thought I was supposed to do.

Wrong.

Life doesn't work that way. It's full of variables. I could have gotten married and had kids and been miserable. Or I could be making tons of money, and hate what I do. I could have bought a house but was bombarded with plumbing issues.

Or, I could have gotten married, had kids with a big house, and been extremely happy.

Who knows?

The point is not to discourage anyone in making plans or working towards your goals and dreams whatever they may be. What I'm sharing is the best thing I learned in my forty years: appreciate what I have and how to deal with grace the disappointments and challenges that come my way.

I didn't get everything I wanted in life. And most likely, that will remain true for future desires. But now in hindsight, although at the time I was angry, depressed and discouraged for not getting a specific job or being rejected by someone I was in love with, I'm glad that things didn't work out. The only thing I would've done differently is I wouldn't have spent so much time and energy wallowing over my disappointments. But what was done is done, and I remind myself that as important as it is to look back once in awhile, I need to pay attention to what's in front of me. And honestly, it's not so bad. In fact, I like my life. Even without having all the things on my checklist. On some days, lately on most, I actually love it. I couldn't say that ten years ago.

So, I already have a feeling 40s is going to be great! It has been pretty awesome so far.

on the real: on faith

The last couple of weeks had been a little rough. Sometimes life throws all of its punches all at once. Then, in the midst of it, it'll give you a few pleasant surprises. Perhaps, to give you a little lift before it pushes you down again. That's how things had been lately. A seesaw of highs and lows.

So, I welcomed the quiet of today. 

I started it with breakfast and Bible study at my brother's this morning. And it was exactly what I needed - for my soul to be fed and restored. When times are tough it's easy to remember and forget God. I remember God when I want something - a positive outcome - whatever it is that I desire at the moment, so I pray. But then I also forget God because I'm consumed in worry and anxiety. I forget to trust Him and have faith. I forget that I may not get my prayers answered right there and then, and I may not even get my prayers answered at all, but God has a plan. And His plan is better than mine. It always has been. He has shown me that time and time again. And I was reminded of that today ...

... as I ran errands and came home to clean my apartment. My apartment.

I moved into my place almost twelve years ago. This is the longest time I've ever lived in one place. But, I remember crying when I first moved here. I had just broken up with my boyfriend of six years. We were living together and when we broke up, he got the apartment and I had to go. We didn't have the easiest of relationships. It was quite tumultuous, but I remember loving him, and wishing and praying that things would get better and we'd eventually get married.

That prayer was not answered. Things did not get better. In fact, they got worst. And eventually, I broke up with him. So, I guess you can say, I deserved to be kicked out. Well, not really, but looking back, I'm glad he did that.

The weeks that followed our breakup were really, really hard. I was in my third year of law school, unemployed, the Bar exam was only a few months away, and my grandfather was dying. I had never lived alone before and I was scared. For one, I didn't have any money. I couldn't afford to get my own place, and it was a month and a half before finals. 

I remember the day after our breakup, I stayed on the couch all morning, unable to move. There were moments I couldn't even breathe. Now, honestly, I don't know if I prayed at that time. I just remember being too broken to move. But, eventually, I did. I got up from that couch and started looking for an apartment. Two weeks later, I moved out.

Now, I can't say I never looked back. But I can say, I never moved back. with. him. And that decision was a turning point in my life. A year later he told me he wanted to marry me. And honestly, I considered it. But the final answer was no. 

So, now, while things are rough, not in the same way but in its own other way, I have to remember that it will not always be like this. Life has its ups and downs. God gives us trials but nothing that we can't handle. I'm a different person than I was twelve years ago. And I was a different person then than the person I was six years before when I started dating my ex-boyfriend. I'd like to believe that I'm a better person because all of those things that I went through. And I do believe that there's a reason for everything. God has His reasons. I may not always understand them, and may never will, but I have to trust in them ...

... and remember that as long as I do my part, as long as I keep moving, things eventually fall into place. They always do.

This is my reminder:

  

My patio oasis.

My candlelit dinner.

With one of my favorite shows.

How does this represent that things fall into place? Well, for one, despite how rough things had been, and still are, I feel okay. At peace. At this place that I cried while moving into, this place that took me so long to call home, this place that I couldn't even afford ... this place reminds me that no matter how hard things seem at first, they do eventually get better. You just have to move forward. With faith.

Journal Day: 20/20

They say hindsight is 20/20, and with good reason- looking back at something always gives us a better view. We're often able to really see how our choices and decisions then shaped our today, and examine what we would have done differently given the chance. When looking back though, we often look way back, but for this exercise stay a little closer to present time and look back just 12 months. If you could go back just one year, what would you tell yourself? What advice would you offer about everything you've experienced?

Run the course. That's what I would tell my one-year-ago self. Your goals are attainable. Just keep moving forward and eventually, you will get there. 

A year ago, I didn't think I'd actually run and finish a half marathon. Although it was something I had always wanted to do, I never took any serious steps into training for one. The dedication and discipline frightened me. I didn't think I could do it. But, last July, I committed to running the Rock 'n Roll half marathon that was scheduled for October. At that time, I was only running jogging once every couple of weeks and no more than two or three miles of which I walked half the way. But, something inside of me said I needed to run. I needed to run that half marathon.

So, I set a schedule and started running at my old high school tracks twice a week after work. At first, I struggled to even run two straight laps. I was frustrated and many times, I just wanted to give up. My stride did not feel right. My breathing was wrong. I watched other runners and wished that I could run with the same grace and ease. They looked like they were gliding with the wind.

But, despite my frustration, I stayed the course. Well, actually, I ran the course. And eventually, I increased my number of laps. Next thing I knew, I was running four laps, five laps, six laps. Twenty laps. I went from running/walking for half an hour to straight running for forty-five minutes. Sixty minutes. Ninety-five. When I finally took my running to the streets, I ran six miles in 70 minutes. Then, I was running eight miles. Nine miles. Ten.  

And in October, I ran my first half marathon.

The whole experience was life-changing. At the end, I felt stronger not only physically, but mentally and emotionally. I felt capable, and I believe that's what I needed at that time. To feel capable of making needed changes and great strides in my life.

A year ago, I didn't know I was capable of running a half marathon. I didn't think I'd ever get out of my comfort zone. I didn't think I could listen to the song Someone Like You without feeling a pang in my heart. I didn't think I'd ever watch and be addicted to Grey's Anatomy. The fact that I could watch episode after episode with nothing but pure enjoyment is proof that broken hearts do heal. We can get over it. And when we do, we realize that it really was a blessing that it didn't work out. Because now with the 20/20 clarity of hindsight, he was never deserving of your love.    

He's not the end all, be all.

And knowing that is an awesome feeling. Hold on to the awesome feeling. Keep running.

Travel Tuesday || Travel lessons

Many, many years ago, when I was just a young law school graduate, I spent a month walking around Europe. Well, Madrid, Barcelona, Ibiza, Rome, Florence, Venice, Milan, London, Amsterdam, and Paris, to be exact. Nope, I didn't backpack my way through and I didn't stay in hostels, but I did walk. Everywhere that my two feet can take me in those cities. And since I was such an amateur traveler at that time (as well as a poor, unemployed student), I didn't have proper walking shoes, just a pair of really good wedge flip flops. I didn't even get the wedge for comfort but to add some height to me since I'm really short and I had this fear of being mistaken as a child and kidnapped. But, I digress.

There are so many stories about that trip I've been wanting to write about. I learned a lot in that month. Not only about the different cities and countries we visited, but about myself and my travel partner. I got lucky that my friend, Claudia, and I got along well. Although there were moments when we got on each other's nerves, we managed to have a great time through the ups and downs, i.e. missing luggage, torn luggage, getting lost (many, many times), high fevers, non air conditioned room, heatwave, thunderstorms, windstorms, etc. In reminiscing about that trip, I thought I'd list some of the things I learned:

1. If you're traveling on a budget, and do not want to stay in hostels, stay at a hotel that has free breakfast. No matter how little sleep Claudia and I got the night before, we got up early in the morning for the free breakfast and loaded up on muffins, fruit, cereal and coffee. It saved us from spending money on breakfast and lunch, so we were able to afford a good dinner. Although we didn't splurge on expensive dinners either, we did go to at least one nice restaurant in every city. 

2. Choose your travel partner carefully and wisely, especially if there's only the two of you traveling together. In our case, Claudia and I shared a room and spent every day together for a month. That was 30 days of togetherness. So, it was important that we got along. It was important that we communicated. We didn't have all the same interests in terms of what we wanted to see and experience at every destination, but we had a give and take policy. We took turns choosing what we would do for the day and evening, and there were no complaints. Okay, sometimes there were, but we agreed to agree. And we agreed to stay together always. Except for one party that Claudia went to in Ibiza with our tour group while I stayed at the hotel to sleep (I was much too tired), we stuck together. I believe it's important to stay together especially if you're two young women traveling in a foreign country. (And although Ibiza was wild, I was reassured that Claudia would be okay since by that time, we had been traveling with the tour group for over a week and she promised not to wander away from them. I still didn't get much sleep, but the extreme humidity and heat with no air condition may have been a factor. Nonetheless, we stuck together for the rest of the trip - no matter how tired either one of us were.)

3. A tour group is not a bad way to go. Since it was our first trip to Europe, Claudia and I opted to go with a tour group around Spain and to London, Amsterdam and Paris. We did Italy on our own, which turned out fine since we were already accustomed to the euro and had become a pro at reading maps.

4. Pack lightly, especially if you will be traveling every three days to a different city. Carrying or rolling around a large suitcase on cobblestone streets can be a health hazard resulting in excruciating pain on your arms, legs and back. If that happens, you will most likely not enjoy your trip. Remember that there are laundromats in most places (at least most big cities), and if there isn't one, well, undergarments, T-shirts, and tank tops are not too difficult to hand wash. 

5. If you're traveling to a foreign country, exchange money before you reach your place of destination or at least at the airport when you arrive. I hardly carry cash with me, but when traveling (especially to a foreign country), it's important to at least have enough cash to pay for a taxi from the airport to the hotel. Madrid was the city Claudia and I landed in to start our European vacation. We arrived during siesta time, which meant that all the banks were closed. Again, since we were newbie travelers, we only had traveler's checks (remember this was a long time ago), which the cab drivers were not accepting nor were they accepting American dollars. Of course, we learned all of this only after the cab driver was already stopped in front of our hotel. It was a stressful way to start our vacation with an angry cab driver who we could barely understand. But finally, past the language barrier and frustration, he took us to an ATM to withdraw cash. We weren't yet accustomed to the euro at that time, so I think we got jipped. Our cab fare ended up costing us about fifty dollars each. I think it was supposed to be fifty dollars total. But, I guess we deserved it for being ignorant. Now, I always check the average cost of the cab fare beforehand. The Internet is wonderful that way.

Here's a few pictures from that European adventure:

La Sagrada Familia, Barcelona, Spain

Rome, Italy

Florence, Italy

Big Ben, London, England

Paris, France

This was our last stop before we headed home. As you can see, I look tired. But I also look very happy. I wanted to stay in Paris. If I didn't have my brother's wedding, I might have stayed. Got a job at a cafe and wrote. After walking its streets, I understood why many writers were (are) drawn to Paris. I want to return to Paris to write. One day.

      

My 100 Aker Wood | Republic of Pie

This is my favorite cafe in the neighborhood. When I walk in, I'm automatically greeted with this creative energy that just sweeps me away to another world. In fact, this place reminds me of Winnie-the-Pooh's treehouse or what I always pictured Pooh's treehouse to look like. I guess, you can say, it's my 100 Aker Wood. The place I go to when I want to escape within the realm of my own imagination. When I just run away with my characters on their adventures.  

After I order my drink, I usually make my way to the back, where there's a tree with a bar table encircled around it. There I sit in the corner, underneath the tree branches adorned with white and blue lights, and I write. On the other side of the room, in front of a large bookcase, a group of writers with their laptops are seated on the floor around a coffee table, typing away, while a few readers occupy the shabby chic-style sofa. These readers' faces usually remain unseen behind their books. Even on a weekday morning, the wooden tables and chairs spread throughout the place are occupied by patrons engaged in energetic and colorful conversations. We're in a world of our own in there. 

Yesterday, while I sat in the usual corner, writing in my journal, the song "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow?" came on. And I thought, how can I not love this place? It brings all my favorite worlds together. I smiled at the photograph of a young Sinatra hanging on the wall. Definitely, all my favorites.   

This perfect leaf remained exactly the same to the bottom of the cup.

I know this place sounds cool, huh? But an important question remains unanswered? How is the coffee? And the pies? How are the pies? Well, this place is called the Republic of Pie. That means there is a heavenly variety of pies, served in extra large portions. My favorite is the Chocolate Banana Cream pie because I love chocolate and banana. Together they are sublime. And the coffee? Well, I only drink decaf. But, as decafs go, the cafe mocha always gives me more reason to smile about. Like I said, this place brings all my favorites together. And thus, I return. Again and again.

Republic of Pie

Magnolia and Lankershim

NoHo Arts District

The morning ride

I rode the subway to downtown today. The station is a mile from my place, but I've never taken it to downtown by myself. In fact, the only three times I can remember riding the subway from the North Hollywood train station to downtown was to go to a Lakers game, a "500 Days of Summer" downtown tour, and when I ran the Rock 'N Roll half-marathon.

But it's not that I never go to downtown. I'm there at least once a week for work, which means once a week I brace myself for the crawling traffic and hour-plus drive on the 101 to travel just 14 miles. For those of you who commute to work, you must understand the frustration that comes with sitting in traffic, feeling confined and completely useless inside a metal contraption.

Today I wanted to do something different. It was time I stepped out of my comfort zone. Honestly, I was tired of complaining about traffic and about how L.A. has a crappy public transportation system. Who was I to rant and criticize when there was a metro station a mile away and I never used it? I decided to change that this morning.

The walk to the metro station alone was liberating. I immediately felt connected to the city. The morning air was still slightly cool, but it felt fresh and welcoming. As cars passed by I couldn't help but smile because I was free to roam and wander. My eyes weren't stuck looking at the short distance ahead of me.

While walking I saw buildings and shops I never noticed before. I was able to see and appreciate the little things around me. There's a park between my apartment and the metro station. As I walked through it this morning, I saw a squirrel drinking from a water fountain. It was such a delightful sight that I couldn't help but let out a small laugh. A smile just wasn't enough. I wanted to take out my camera to take a picture but for some reason, I didn't want to disturb it. Finally, the squirrel sensed my presence and turned to look at me. For a moment, we just stared at each other until it jumped off the water fountain and ran up a tree. But that short moment made my day.

And riding the subway made me love home again. This place is beautiful if I really take the time to see it.

It was obvious that I was a newbie or amateur metro traveler because it took me about five tries before I figured out how to pay for the fare. I didn't even know how much the fare was and had to ask someone. Since the decision to take the subway was spontaneous, I didn't have time to plan and check the important details. But, I made it in time. Although the subway cars were full by the time I got in, and I had to stand for most of the 28-minute ride from North Hollywood to the Civic Center stop, it was fine. I was happy.

The wide-eyed look and smile on my face must have also been a dead giveaway that I was there for an adventure. Most of the commuters looked serious, like they were just determined to get to their destination. No one was reading the newspaper or a book. Except for two ladies near me, no one really spoke or acknowledged each other in the car I was in.  People didn't smile at each other. Is it an L.A. thing? We don't smile at strangers? That made me a little sad. There were a lot of anxious looks. People ready to jump out the moment the train made its stop. 

It felt good not having to be that person today. Most of the time I'm rushing to be somewhere or to do something that I don't acknowledge or notice the people around me. So I understand the anxious looks. My comments stem more from empathy than anything. 

I'm also glad that I got to observe, absorb and experience the subway ride. It's definitely a ride I'll take again and again. 

a happy place

It doesn't take much to make me happy. Mention coffee and gelato, and I'm there.

I met up with a friend for a last minute coffee/gelato date at this gem of a place (Gelato Bar & Espresso Caffe) in Studio City. It's one of those places perfect to go to if you want to read somewhere outside of your own home, but yet still want the coziness and comfort of your own little nook. It's also the perfect place for good ol' catching up and bonding. There's something special about a place that draws people together. A place that makes you want to share everyday matters and big dreams. A place where you can't help but smile at the person in front of you or next to you. Whether it's from the joy of licking your spoon clean of the heavenly gelato or sipping the rich hot chocolate or just engaging in conversation with a good friend, smiles are a common sight there.

Every time I think of Gelato Bar, I picture a snow globe because when I'm there, I feel like I'm in a magical happy place and nothing else matters but the space I'm in.

"For you, a thousand times over"

The other night I stayed up to 3:30 in the morning to finish The Kite Runner. It had been such a long time since I've lost myself in a book that I welcomed the sleepless night. Khaled Hosseini is an engaging storyteller. And I was in awe with how he told this heartbreaking story in such an effortless voice that sometimes made me wonder if I was reading the uncensored journal of the narrator. There were parts I found myself crying, disappointed and so heartbroken by the main character and narrator, Amir's, actions, and yet, I couldn't help but want to understand and root for him because Hosseini did such a great job pulling me into Amir's world, his thoughts, his desires, his pain and the haunting guilt that smeared his heart.

As a writer, it's what I aspire to achieve. To tell a story in such a way that makes a reader forget he or she is reading someone else's story.

I won't give you a summary of the book. If you read it, you already know what it's about. And if you haven't, I can only say that it's worth reading. Because it's definitely a book that will leave you thinking about the small decisions that can change the course of a life, and how those small decisions are usually moved by fear or love or both.

The Kite Runner by Khaled Hosseini

The "40 before (Yikes!) 40" list

I turn 40 this year. I can't believe I just typed that out. For those of you who are thinking that age is nothing but a number, and it's nothing to stress out about, well, it is. For me. Actually, I started stressing before I turned 31 because I didn't plan for life after 30. Not that I had any death wish or premonition or life-threatening illness, I just didn't think of life after 30.

I had my life mapped out at a young age. In high school, I came up with this timeline with the things I needed to accomplish in my life, and the deadline was 30. I was supposed to get married by 25, have my first kid by 28, buy a house, have my own law practice and have a bestselling novel - all by the time I was 30.

I know, pretty intense. I was ambitious. But, having those dreams gave me the drive to be at the library at 11:00 p.m. on a Thursday night, studying, while my friends were partying. Those dreams gave me the energy to be at work at 6:00 a.m., so I can put in a few hours before my 9:00 a.m. class. Those dreams gave me hope when I got my heart broken and just wanted to stay in bed for the whole semester. I was determined to do it all. I wanted the whole American dream - the white picket fence and everything that came with it.

But now, I'm turning 40, and wow, life didn't turn out exactly as I planned. Not the way I imagined. That was the reason I first named this blog Red Picket Fences (you can read about it here). I know I changed the name so abruptly, but I felt it was time. That name was about embracing the life I didn't plan for. I was working towards that. And I worked on it for many years. Acceptance. Now, I'm okay with it. Actually, I'm more than okay. I'm having fun. I'm excited.

I've accepted that there are many things in life we can't plan for. Life throws us punches, curve balls and potholes. And we have to learn to deal. I think that's what growing up, growing older, has taught me: how to handle life's unexpected turns with a little more grace and gratitude.

But, just because life has not and will not always be as planned, it doesn't stop me from making lists of the things I want to do and accomplish. Those lists keep me on my toes. They make me accountable because, really, I'm a homebody at heart. I love comfortable. I seek comfortable. I'm not much of a risk-taker. Although I am a dreamer. And there are many things I want to do. So, here's my "40 before 40" list (I wrote my list in December, so I had to keep in mind that I have 7 months to accomplish all of these):

1. Read the entire Bible.

2. Do a DIY photography project. There are a couple featured in A Beautiful Mess's site that I've been wanting to try out.

3. Write a poem. Because it's been years since I've actually written one.

4. Submit a poem (or a couple) to be published/in a contest. Whether I win or get published, this is the year to just get my work out there. Because as much as this was my dream, I never even tried to submit anything. Anywhere.

5. Complete a short story. It's also time to finish the things I've started.

6. Submit a short story to be published/in a contest.

7. Buy a DSLR and learn how to use it.

8. Frame and hang my diplomas. It's been ten years and my office wall remains bare. It's about time.

9. Create a wall collage/gallery with my photographs.

10. Spend an afternoon at Descanso Gardens. I've lived in Los Angeles for most of my life, and there are many places I've never been to. This is the year to get to know Los Angeles and its surroundings. 

11. Volunteer at Ronald McDonald House.

12.  Read 12 books I've been meaning to read. I'll list those 12 books at a later time. But I put this on my list because ever since I started practicing law, I haven't been able to read that many books and I just want to go back to reading.

13. Go bike riding in Santa Barbara and indulge in everything sweet in Solvang.

14. Explore and have a cup of coffee in Sausalito.

15. Tour the Venice canal walkways.

16. Hike Solstice Canyon and Sandstone Peak. (Malibu)

17. Run another half marathon and beat my time.

18. Go kayaking around Naples Island.

19. Memorize a poem.

20. Brush up on Spanish/complete the Rosetta Stone Spanish Program.

21. Visit a new city/state I've always wanted to go to.

22. Send a handwritten letter to someone.

23. Take an acting class. Once upon a time, I wanted to be a stage actress.

24. Take a dance class.

25. Take voice lessons

26. Sponsor a child.

27. Learn to swim. I know it's embarrassing but I'm scared of water. I need to overcome that and maybe, just maybe, I can do a triathlon before I'm 50.

28. Hike Echo Mountain and Inspiration Point.

29. Play in the water and watch the sunset at El Matador Beach.

30. Start a new novel.

31. Visit Annenberg Space for Photography.

32. Research my family tree.

33. Do all of the Secret Stairs (Los Angeles) walks/hikes.

34. Attend three new and different meetup events.

35. Face my fear. That is, the one other than water.

36. Redesign my blog.

37. Start playing the piano again. I want to play for church worship again.

38. Have a sit down interview with my grandma. She's told me her life story many times, but I've never asked her any questions. And there's just so much more I want to know. 

39. Go on another writing retreat/vacation.

40. Fall in love.                      

Goodbye 2013

Dear 2013,

You have been quite a year. The year when many past lessons were finally put to the test. I'm happy to report that final chapters were closed this year, and many seeds were planted for new beginnings. This was a year of going back to my roots, realizing God's role in my life (how he has always been there for me even when I didn't acknowledge or know Him), finding creativity again, re-establishing my relationship with writing, pushing myself out of my comfort zone, and most of all - forgiveness, gratitude and love. I learned that with forgiveness comes freedom and gratitude, and without the baggage of resentment and anger, there is more room for love.

I'm looking forward to what 2014 will bring. I believe that our lives have seasons, and I believe that a big season in my life just came to a close. I'm ready for the new one. I'm excited to see what will become of the seeds that had been planted.

Catching up

The year is quickly winding down, and I've been thinking a lot about my writing plans for the new year. I've been writing a lot more these days. I know I haven't been writing here, but trust me, I've been writing. On that note, I guess I should think about whether I'll continue with this blog since my presence here has become less and less, but honestly, I'm not quite ready to give up this space just yet. I like having it around, to go back to, and write at times like this - when I've had a long, long day and I just want to unwind. Check in with all of you because I've truly missed you!

So, this will be a catch-up kind of post. Full of random tidbits. Mostly a lot about what this year has meant to me because that's what has been occupying my mind lately. When I reflect back on a year, I like to think about themes. This year has been about tidying up, tying up loose ends, and closure. It has also been about finding my voice, and about finally knowing who I am and what I want. You see, I've known for a long time what it is I didn't want - in terms of my career, my personal life - but somehow, knowing what it was or is I did want took much longer to realize. I think it's because I had this idea of who I thought I should be, and that person wasn't always in line with who I am. When I finally let go of the idea, well, acceptance soon followed.

Now, as far as some of the things I learned this year ... I learned that:

What a person says about your relationships say a lot more about them than you.

I can push myself out of my comfort zone, if I really put my mind to it.

Training for a marathon is a lifestyle changer.

As much as I sometimes wish I was more fashionable, I'm quite

happy being basic. I just can't give up a comfortable pair of jeans and T-shirt.

Sometimes history is not enough to sustain a friendship.

Your gut instinct is almost, always, right. With that said, if something just

doesn't sit well in your stomach or gives you that "hmmm-question-mark" feeling, 

well, something is most likely wrong.

You'll know within five minutes of meeting someone whether you'll

want to see that person again.

Wasted talent is one without practice.

Peter Cetera got it right that "everybody needs a little time away ...

from each other/ even lovers need a holiday ..."

But real friendship, real love, can never be broken. 
Even when there's absence, a lapse of time. 
It can never be broken.

Grateful.

It has been quite a year. I can't believe it's almost over. Time just flies. And that's why I believe it's important to embrace every moment - good or bad.

Although I have to admit, I'm not always very good with remembering that. For example, when I'm stuck in traffic on the 405, sometimes, I just become this angry person, and I have to talk myself out of every awful thought that tries to enter my head. But, when I finally calm down, after praying to God for patience, I remember, I'm blessed. I'm blessed to have a car to drive, an office to go to, and good health to be able to get up in the morning. When I remember those things, peace sets in my heart, and then, I try to use that time on the road, to be thankful. It's hard, especially when I'm exhausted, but then, sometimes, it's the only time I get to reflect, think, and to talk to God.

And this Thanksgiving, I'm foremost thankful for God's presence in my life. For the restoration of hope, and strengthening of faith. Like I said, it has been quite a year. Full of lessons. And really hard messages. Especially the last couple of months. But the amazing thing is that I've never felt more at peace. And more happy. Because I've let go trying to control and manipulate the course of my life. My daily prayer is that I recognize God's purpose for my life, and that the decisions I make that day lead me towards the life He had planned for me.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I pray that you find something to be grateful for everyday.

Hey Jude / Make You Feel My Love

It's been a rough week, hence my absence here.  Then, as if things couldn't get worst, my computer went haywire at the office forcing me to go home early today.  I came home to a dark apartment with my blinds all drawn shut, and I went straight to my room and into my bed.  Then, I watched the last two episodes of Glee, and literally cried for two hours.  

I needed that cry though.  

My uncontrollable sobbing started when Blaine sang "Hey Jude" during the Beatles episode from two weeks ago.  I think I mentioned before that Glee reminds me of an old friend, one of my childhood best friends.  I refer to him as Jude because of his favorite Beatles song.  Well, Finn reminds me of Jude.  Those who knew him would disagree.  Jude was disliked by most of my friends.  But, they didn't know the Jude I knew.  And the person I knew had Finn inside of him.  On the surface, he was more like Puck.  (And from last night's episode, we saw that Puck has a sensitive side, too.)  But, Finn was who I imagined Jude to have been like if life didn't get so crazy for him.    

I believe God puts people in our lives for a reason.  Jude was placed in mine at a very young age.  Maybe so that one day, I would pursue a career where I can be a voice for those who are lost like he was.  Maybe so that one day, I will write a book about the gifts of love that are the people who come into our lives.  In the show, Kurt said that he will spend his entire life missing Finn.  Some people may think that can't be real.  But if so, what a sad life.  I feel bad for people who would think that way.  I have spent 20 years missing Jude.  And I know that I will spend my entire life missing him.  But, I'm also grateful that I had a Jude in my life.  It wasn't easy to love him and be his friend, but I guess, it wasn't easy to love me either.  Yet, he still did.  I knew that when he let me go.    

Running soundtrack: song list

via

I think I've mentioned here before that I'm training for my first half-marathon.  It has been quite an experience, and one day, when I have more time (most likely after the race), I'll write about it.  But, let's just say that you know all those things you hear about running?  Well, they are true.  This has been an exhilarating journey, thus far.

And since music is a big part of my life and my need to have a soundtrack for every experience, situation or challenge in my life, I created a running soundtrack to get me through training.  It's an hour of songs that push and motivate me during the series of arguments that go on in my head.  They're in this order for a reason, too.  You'll see below.

  

Pump It by the Black Eyed Peas

I personally don't like the lyrics of this song, and I'm ignoring whatever meaning it has.

But I love the beat, and in the beginning of the run, I need that push.  The beat of this

song gives me that, and my brain ignores the other parts that I don't really care for, and

all I hear is Pump it ... Pump it ... Don't stop and keep it going ...

Do it, let's get it on, move it!

By the end of the song, I'm warmed up and pumped up to go for that long run.

Jump by Pointer Sisters

An oldie is always good.  And I love the beat of this song, too.  Since I'm warmed up, it just

makes me want to jump and dance during my run.  Of course, it has nothing to do with running

(as all of the songs), but again, it makes me feel good and just so happy to be running.

Jump, I know my heart can make you happy

Jump in ... Jump ... Jump

Bust a Move by Young MC

Another oldie, but this song always makes me want to keep dancing, moving.

Since I'm one of those runners that doesn't get their wind until after the first mile and a half,

the early minutes of my run needs a lot of encouraging.  The part of my brain that wants

to stop is much louder so this song reminds me to just bust a move ...

You're on a mission and your wishin'

Someone could cure your lonely condition

Looking for love in all the wrong places ...

Some frustration first inclination ...

But every dark tunnel has a light of hope...

...

You run over there without a second to lose

And what comes next hey bust a move

Let's Go Crazy by Prince

Because you can never have too much of Prince.  This song starts out slow, but it's the

early part of the run when I tell myself it's okay to slow down and pace myself, and then,

well, it's time to just go crazy.  

Teenage Dream by Katy Perry

This is where I confess that I love Katy Perry songs.  They are just upbeat and the lyrics

just pushes me to go beyond my comfort zone.

Let's run away and 

don't ever look back, 

don't ever look back.

Last Friday Night by Katy Perry

Okay, this song reminds me of an out-of-control frat/college party.  So, the lyrics don't really

do much for me.  But, I love the beat.  And turns my run into a dance party.

California Girls by Katy Perry

I know, more Katy Perry.  I'm just continuing on with my Katy Perry party at this point.

Having a good time in my run.  And hey, it doesn't hurt that running does do a body good: fit.

Firework by Katy Perry

Now, I do love the lyrics of this song, because sometimes, I just feel that way.

And running helps me get through those times.

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag

Drifting through the wind, wanting to start again?

Do you ever feel, feel so paper thin

Like a house of cards, one blow from caving in?

Do you ever feel already buried deep six feet under?

Scream but no one seems to hear a thing

Do you know that there's still a chance for you

'Cause there's a spark in you?

You just gotta ignite the light and let it shine

Just own the night like the 4th of July

'Cause, baby, you're a firework

Come on, show 'em what you're worth

Make 'em go "Oh, oh, oh"

As you shoot across the sky...

Express Yourself by Madonna

This starts my Madonna series, but the ones on my song list are the covers done 

by the Glee cast (no surprise!).  Although, I do love Madonna, I just happen

to also have the Glee's Tribute to Madonna album.  So, this song?  Need I say more?

Madonna songs make me feel angry (in a good way).  Maybe that's not the way to 

put it, but they do remind me: You can do this.  Don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

Don't go for second best baby

Put your love to the test

Borderline by Madonna

This song starts slow, too, so it's the part of my run when I'm reminded to pace myself.

Again, absolutely nothing to do with running.  But this song reminds me of heartache.

It makes my heart hurt.  But, then, it pulls me up and tells me to get over it.  Just move on.

Keep going.  Don't let anyone take the best of you away.

Stop playing with my heart

Finish what you start

Open Your Heart by Madonna

I don't know why this song pushes me to run.  I think it's the energy of the song.

I'm leaning on pure emotion at this point.  I'm getting my energy from it.

Dress You Up by Madonna

I just like this song.  Picks up the beat and I'm done with all the emotional part.

I'm feeling empowered again and determined to keep on running.

Don't Stop Believing by Journey

Again, I have the Glee version on my song list.  This song just inspires me.

At this point, I'm about forty-five minutes (or more) into the run.  And I'm

reminded to just keep on going.

Working hard to get my fill

Everybody wants a thrill

Payin' anything to roll the dice just one more time

Some will win, some will lose

Some were born to sing the blues

Oh, the movie never ends

It goes on and on and on and on

...

Don't stop believin'

Stronger (What Doesn't Kill You) by Kelly Clarkson

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I've over cause you're gone

Roar by Katy Perry

Yes, I'm ending with a Katy Perry song.  But, nearing the hour of my run, I'm feeling great.

I used to bite my tongue and hold my breath

Scared to rock the boat and make a mess

So I sat quietly, agreed politely

I guess that I forgot I had a choice

I let you push me past the breaking point

I stood for nothing, so I fell for everything

You held me down, But I got up

Already brushing off the dust

You hear my voice, you hear that sound

Like thunder gonna shake your ground

You held me down, but I got up

Get ready 'cause I've had enough

I see it all, I see it now

I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire

'Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar

Louder, louder than a lion ...

Now, that's my running soundtrack.  Do you have a running song list?